Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

9

Monday 22nd March

11.00am

So far, so good, I guess. I've managed to survive my first two lessons.

I haven't been bullied in the verbal or physical sense, but the little things people now do around me, like stepping away when I walk past and avoiding eye-contact, shows that now the rumor Cathy started has spread like wildfire throughout the entire school.

Only a few people have treated me how they treated me before, which just shows how homophobic my school is. Clara is supporting me, and her manga friends are now more than happy to talk to me. In fact, I think they're friendlier than they were before.

What is it with girls wanting to be friends with gay guys?

I'm just hoping they won't feel inspired to draw some boy love manga with me as a character. (Trust me, I've seen some of their stuff. Some of them write specifically about gay guys.)

Some of the people who didn't shun me were the ones I never would have thought of. Like most of the guys in my P.E group (Bottom set, with my "natural" sports skills) this morning treated me just as one of the group and a few of the girls in my class still talked to me, if not more than they did before. (Again with the girls wanting to be friends thing!)

This doesn't make my life any easier in the long run though. I can't stand the stares that follow me when my back is turned, boring into me like freshly fired bullets. I can't stand the whispering that always dies down when I walk past. I can't stand being the subject of so much negative attention. I'm more of an outcast now than I ever was before.

I haven't even seen Cathy today. Perhaps she isn't in school.

You know what? Good. I hope she feels bad for what she did, because she's the reason I'm getting all this attention now.

What really bugs me though, out of everyone's reactions towards me, Is how Julian is acting around me now. He isn't avoiding me, or being sour towards me, he's acting... completely normal.

Yet too normal.

He's acting as if our relationship never happened and that we're just friends again. There are no signs of affection, no subtle hints when nobody else is there, that he loves me like he confessed to.

I know that he's probably just trying to conceal our relationship so nothing more gets found out, but he seems so distant now, like he doesn't feel anything about me at all.

It makes me ache for him even more.

I need to talk to him, to find out if he really loves me or if he was just exploring his own sexuality, sorting out his own life.

That doesn't sound like Julian at all, but I don't want this to end. Now that I know how I feel, I can't let this go anymore. I need to know that he still feels for me what I feel for him.

I need to know that this is real.

1.45pm

Lessons three and four were completely uneventful. Julian is in my art class and my English class, so I sat next to him for both lessons.

I really wanted to ask him outright about how he felt but I restrained myself and swallowed down the words that were so desperate to escape. Julian was still acting completely neutrally, if not distantly again. It made me want to shout at him, to shake him out of it. To get my Julian back, not this over friendly replacement.

Now I'm eating lunch with Clara and her manga friends because I'm too afraid to sit on my own. Lunch is feeding time for the popular kids and I felt like the prey, doing anything necessary to escape their grip.

Julian is with us, but he appears to be busy conversing with the others, and not taking one look in my direction.

Let me explain who the manga friends are, since I'm pretty sure I haven't before:
There's Clara and her three friends, who create the manga community of the school.

One is Jess, a chubby but pretty girl in the year below with poker straight blonde hair and baby blue eyes. Hence, she is like the baby of the group.

Then there is Chloe, a girl in my art class who is so quiet most of the time that I don't notice her. Everything about her is small, from her dainty brown eyes to her small, vein decorated hands. She always has her strawberry blonde hair up in a high pony-tail, exaggerating her smallness.

Finally there is Jade, a girl in my year who is the complete opposite of Chloe. She is nearly as tall as me with thick, black hair that tumbles down her back in waves. She has dark brown eyes and dark skin to match with long, manicured nails and long, dark limbs. She could be a supermodel if she wanted to, but wants to be a manga artist instead. She is also confident, loud and has a good sense of humour. She often decides what will happen in the group, being a natural born leader.

None of them take much notice of me, myself not having an interest in manga or the good looks to inspire one, and they spent most of their time when I was near them trying to talk to Julian, whom they seemed to idolize for his good looks and easy going personality. Except for Chloe, who was too shy and always blushed crimson whenever Julian so much as looked at her. Not that I ever minded much, anyway.

I wonder how they'd react if they found out Julian was gay?

I'm wondering now whether Julian really is gay.

Clara's staring at me, thinking that my writing is anti-social, so I think I'll stop now and write later.

As if there's anything of interest to write about at the moment anyway... I'm pretty sure that all I do in this diary is whine.

Oh well, I feel that I have a lot to whine about right now.

3.45pm

Julian told me, just at the end of lunch, to meet him in my special hiding place after school, so here I am, waiting for him.

Half of me feels like running now, afraid of what he might say.

What if... he's going to reject me? I don't know how I'll stand this without him.

I'm going to go now. I don't want to hear what he's-

...
♠ ♠ ♠
Boy love manga - there are two types of gay manga. One is Yaoi, (pronounced yowee i think) which is pretty much hardcore gay sex manga XD (although one or two have really good story lines as well). Shounen-ai (meaning Boy Love) is the softer, little brother version of Yaoi, mostly not containing sex and concentrating more on the emotional/friendship side. I'm not against either, seeming as I watch them XD (although I don't watch much Yaoi at all, really, but shounen-ai is just unbelievably cute.)

Heh heh, you know something's happened when Simon doesn't even have time to finish his sentance ;)