Masquerade

Juice reached up and ran his thumb along his bottom lip and seemed to be debating on whether it was a decent kiss or not. Or at least from an outside perspective it might look that way. For me it looked like he was slowly realizing just what had happened and who it happened with.

He looked at my face again. “Andy?” he asked, it was quiet. Almost an inaudible whisper but to me it sounded like he shouted it, there was curiosity and a whole lot of anger coated in his quiet tone. It felt like the entire world was focused on us now, I felt the eyes of the club on the back of my skull. “Answer me.” he said with more force.

I didn’t know what to do, or think. The only thing that came out of my mouth was “Please don’t hate me.”

He blinked a few times. “You… I… We… I just kissed one of my brothers.” he sputtered out, disbelief coating his expression more than his voice. All I could do was apologize and hope to god that I wouldn’t start crying in the middle of the party.

Venus was by my side out of nowhere, her finely manicured hand resting reassuringly on my shoulder as she asked if everything was okay over here. I saw her cast a furtive glance at Juice and knew she, along with everyone else, was also waiting for the bomb to go off in Juice’s head. Yet all that happened was Juice handing me back my wig, getting up, and walking back towards the dorms without another word.

I was thankful for the lack of a dramatic scene, but it still felt like a punch in the gut to have him walk away without another word or look in my direction.

“Go after him.” I looked up and Tig was standing a few feet away, silently watching what had happened. Everyone else looked to Tig now, realizing that he had in fact known who I was and what was happening while the rest of them were in the dark. “Go talk to him, baby girl.” he said, softer this time. My eyes flitted around the room, seeking out the other members of the MC. None of them knew what exactly was going on but they also didn’t seem to have the energy to make rude comments or protest to it in any way. They even stayed silent as I got up and headed back to Juice’s room, my wig still in hand.

I knocked quietly but had to give it more force after a few moments to make sure he heard me. He opened the door after the second try, still looking bewildered and seeing me made him jump a little. Still, he invited me inside clearly recognizing this as a conversation that needed to be held in private. I stood awkwardly at the end of his bed as he shut the door behind me and leaned against it.

“Was this some sort of prank?” he finally asked, looking at me sternly. “Did the guys put you up to this to fuck with me?”

“What? No. Of course not, Juice.” I couldn’t even be mad that he had immediately jumped to that conclusion. He was definitely still the grunt of the club and the butt of many, many bad jokes and horrible pranks. But this was definitely not a prank or cruel trick to make him look like a fool, it was just me trying to be the person I really was. Just me possibly realizing that I liked someone who considered me a brother, and I didn’t know how to tell Juice any of this without him getting even more upset or hating me.

“So… So what is this?” he motioned to my body, more so my outfit than anything else I guessed. “You gay or something?”

I shook my head. “No, I’m not gay.” I said. “I’m like Venus,” I explained simply. “Transgender.”

“Transgender.” he repeated the word, swishing it around his mouth a little. It was clearly foreign to him. “Tig knew.” It wasn’t a question no more than it was an accusation, just a simple realization. I answered him anyway, saying it was Tig and Venus’s idea to bring me to the party as myself rather than ‘Andrew’. “And me?” he finally asked. Getting to the real root of the situation at hand. “What was I in all this?”

“Unexpected.” I admitted. “I had never, in a million years planned on what happened out there. I had never even thought of you in that way but…” I rubbed my arm nervously. “I can’t say it wasn’t enjoyable.”

“Transgender.” He said again, mostly to his feet. “You patched in as a guy though.”

I sat on the end of his bed and admitted to not knowing how to come out and tell everyone the truth about me at the time, I still didn’t really. I just wanted to be apart of the club, the family, more than anything else in the world. I wanted to have that sense of family, the security and protectiveness that came with it. A real family I could count on, people who would always have my back and who I could trust with my life if it came down to it. People who wouldn’t abandon me or abuse me or treat me like I was the worst possible thing on the planet.

“I just wanted to be accepted.” I finished. “That’s all I want.”

He just nodded and I took that as my cue to leave him to his thoughts. I left his room and instead of going back out to the bar, I snuck out the back and hid in Venus’s car until her or Tig noticed I was gone and came looking for me.