Scared of Love

Tilly lay awake in her bed, she knew it was four in the morning from the red digits burning into her retinas as she looked at her alarm clock. She had to be up for class in less then four hours but wasn’t sure how she was going to be able to function let alone keep her concentration and jot notes from her lecturer. This was the first night in years she hadn’t been able to sleep. The brown haired woman had forgotten what it was like to want to sleep but physically not be able to calm her thoughts and relax her body to allow sleep to overtake her.

Rolling over she lay on her back looking up at her ceiling her bottom lip caught between her teeth as her thoughts wandered to the events that had happened earlier that day. The moment Max had kissed her. It had only been a brief kiss and she was sure he had aimed for her cheek but she had turned her head just in time for their lips to press together.

Her heart had almost burst from her chest at how hard it had pound against her ribs, she wasn’t sure whether it was out of surprise or anxiety. Max’s neck had burned a bright red and he had mumbled a quick goodbye before walking away from her his fingers running through his dark hair. Even as she lay in her bed her heart began to beat harder at the memory and she covered her face with her hands.

Tilly liked Max, she liked him a lot, but she was scared. She was scared to fall in love because the last person she had loved had torn out her heart and trodden all over it. It was like he didn’t care for her at all especially the way he broke it off with her, it was one of the worst ways a person could. The truth was he didn’t even love her. She had given him everything, her heart, her virginity everything she had been holding onto for the right person. How did he repay her, he told her everything he had done had been a dare, a wager. If he managed to sleep with her he won one hundred dollars.

That was all she was to him. A pay check.

Ever since then Tilly had guarded her heart, her feelings, everything, trying hard not to give them away easily. Too scared to let anyone else in, to love someone new afraid of what they may do to her.

However she couldn’t stop the feelings that had begun to stir for Max. He was different, he was kind, friendly, shy and he would never hurt her. He had reassured her many times of that. Max and her had been friends for three years, three fun filled years, years filled with spontaneous adventures, laughter and so many stories. The two had met at a random party they had both been attending having been dragged their by their friends.

Tilly had spent most of the night in the bathroom holding back her friend Sarah’s hair as she heaved up the contents she had ingested that night. Max had been the one who had dragged a drunken dick that had barged into the room slurring obscenities at Sarah for something or another Tilly hadn’t really been paying attention. He had also been the only designated driver and was more than willing to give both Tilly and Sarah a lift home. It was after that night the two began to see more of each other, talking over text and social media. Tilly loved the friendship she had with Max that was why she was also scared of her feelings for the guy. What if things became awkward, what if hypothetically the two did date and it ended badly. That would end their friendship and that was the last thing Tilly wanted.

Knowing that she wasn’t going to get any sleep Tilly pulled herself out of bed and pulled her dressing gown on before walking into her little lounge room and turning on her television at a low volume making herself comfortable with a coffee as she tried to ready herself for her hectic morning ahead.