And Love Said No

Esme’s laughter broke the stillness of the tower as the couple returned home from a long night of celebrations. There was a lot to celebrate, but at the forefront of her thoughts was the tall Finnish man holding her in his arms. The two had been all over each other, separating only for Ville to perform. No matter how upset she had been and how badly she had wanted to leave the country to escape, Esme knew she couldn't have lasted long. They had only been separated a few weeks, and still, she missed him dearly. Her skin was stinging numb--whether from the frigid air she’d walked through, the alcohol pumping through her veins, or the giddiness from being attached to her love again, she couldn’t be sure.

“I love you, V.”

“I love you with all my heart, Esmeralda.” Ville smiled. “Welcome home.”

“Let's head upstairs, shall we?” Her sly smile invited him to throw her over his shoulders and carry her up the stairs. “Baby! Put me down!”

“Oh, pardon me.” He excused, setting her back down. “I thought you were much too enthralled with me to get up here yourself.”

“You.” A tap on the nose here. “Are.” An Eskimo kiss there. “A charmer.” And finally a kiss on the lips.

She turned to face the master bedroom, eager to get between the sheets, but her smile quickly slipped away. Esme couldn’t take the step to cross the threshold into the bedroom, knowing she wasn’t the last woman to occupy the bed.

Ville’s nose grazed her cheek as he assured, “The guest bedroom is just as well, darling.” When she still didn’t tear her glassy eyes away from the bed, his grip on her waist tightened from behind her and he waddled them to the next room.

She slipped her coat off her shoulders and sat at the edge of the bed. Ville approached and cradled her neck in his hands. He opened his mouth to comfort her, to tell her that things would be okay, but he couldn't. Not when he wasn't sure of it himself. His hands dropped to his side, and he backed away.

“Shower.” he explained. “I reek of the show.”

“Don't be too long.”

Ville nodded and left the room. She pulled her phone out of her purse to see a text from Jussi: If shoving you two in a room for 20 minutes is all it was gonna take, I would have brought him to the hotel with me the night before you left Hel.

She smirked and replied. I think we needed to take the time.

Esme got off the bed to find a change of clothes but quickly realized that her dresser was in the master bedroom. The sheets had been changed weeks ago, but still, the area seemed tainted to her. She couldn’t walk in there without remembering what had happened. When she closed her eyes, she could see Jonna lying there with a smug grin, like she'd won some game Esme didn't realize they were playing. She couldn't bear to look at Ville’s eyes then; she knew she'd break down crying before she could run down to the front door. Now that she was back, now that she was home, she didn't know what it would take to be able to walk back in there.

Fortunately, Ville appeared in the doorway with her pajamas in hand. “Thanks.” She moved to go to the bathroom and change, but she could see him hesitating. “Yes, sweetheart?”

“Um, your ring. I, uh wasn’t sure if you want it back already, but I thought I’d bring it over anyway.” Ville opened his palm to reveal the black diamond ring, but she was studying his expression. He was stuck in his thoughts, hardly looking at her.

“Of course I want-- I mean, if you still want to give it to me.”

“That hasn't changed, ever. You are mine, as I am yours.” He said with a chilling affirmance. She smiled and held out her left hand for him to slide the black diamond ring on her finger. Before he could walk away, she reached toward him on her tiptoes to give him a kiss. He welcomed the gesture, placing his hand on the curve of her waist as she backed against the wall. Her hand tousled into his damp hair, keeping him close.

“Be right back.”

“Leave your lips behind, mine are lonely!” He called after her and she giggled.

She went to the bathroom and changed out of her dress into the satin pajamas. Esme washed the makeup off her face, tugging her skin taut. She stared at her reflection and let the water drip down her face and into the sink. The cold water was refreshing, but it didn't clear her mind. Her focus went back to the ring, and she straightened it on her finger.

“It was my fault.” Esme whispered to her reflection.

She couldn't have been gone more than ten minutes, but when she returned to the bedroom, Ville was sound asleep. It was almost five in the morning, and after his two hour set, she was surprised he had been able to stay up so late at all.

She crawled into bed beside him, careful not to rock the mattress and wake him. “Happy New Year, kulta.” she whispered and kissed his cheek.

Esme tried to rest, but she spent most of the hours thinking of the right words to explain. She knew why she was like this: her mother had disappeared from her life when she was four years old, and her father was on tour nine months out of the year. Even before her father's car accident, Esme was heavily dependent on Jussi. Then, once the 69 Eyes signed a record deal, he left, too. By then, she had been old enough to visit him and had formed a life of her own. But her mother… that scar hadn't healed.

At some point, she must have dozed off because she was awakened by Ville's arms pulling her close to his chest.

“G’Morning.” his deep, raspy voice greeted.

“More like ‘good afternoon.’” Esme turned to face him. “I’ve missed this.”

“I’ve missed you, too, Es.”

She looked past him to the clock hanging on the wall. “Ugh, it’s already two! The first day of the new year, and we’ve spent it sleeping!”

“I slept quite well. I don’t see the problem here.”

She rolled her eyes at his teasing. “I need caffeine.”

Esme got out of bed and went down to the kitchen. While she started the pot of coffee, her thumb grazed the engagement ring, twirling it back and forth. Just as she poured two mugs of coffee, Ville came down the stairs, his hair pulled into a small bun at the base of his neck.

“Thank you.” He said as he took the mug she offered. As he led them to the couch downstairs, he asked, “What would you like to do today?”

“Uh, no plans. I did want to talk to you about something though.”

Ville cocked his brow. “How ominous.”

“Not to worry.” She smiled. “I just-- I wanted… I'm sorry, Ville.”

“What are you apologizing for, dear?”

“I really put you through the ringer.”

He mumbled. “Not without cause.”

“Oh, can she be the scapegoat for everything from now on?” His throaty chuckle reverberated through his chest; she missed that signature staggering laugh, devilish almost. Esme dropped her sarcastic tone. “But you were right, the other night: my track record didn't make--I don't know, I shouldn't have run away from our problems. From our fight.”

He kissed her. “All is forgiven.”

“Forgiven, sure, but we have to address it.” She paused, letting the caffeine wake her as she thought of the right words. “I'm sorry that I'm so deeply scared of you leaving me, even though you've been nothing short of devoted to this relationship, that I left first. I love you and I trust you and… I can't hold against you what others have done to me, Ville. That's not fair.”

He took her hand and brought it to his lips, leaving a soft kiss. He knew she wasn't finished, and he didn't want to interrupt, but he wanted to let her know it was okay.

Tears welled in her eyes. “And I don't want you to -- it hurts to think about how much you blame yourself for this, the time lost. Because it's not your fault and--”

“It's not your fault either.” He insisted.

“Maybe. I mean, I'll never know why my mother left Dad and me. But I am responsible for my reaction. And this--this fear of abandonment is not the reaction I want to have!” She chewed the inside of her cheek. Their fight months ago, before Jonna had even walked back into their lives, was a contentious one. It started off as a disagreement-- ‘we should have the wedding after these festival dates’ and ‘no, I’ll be on a book tour by then’--to an argument to a screaming match complete with items being hurled across the room. “When you said that we should set a date after your shows-- I don't know. I overreacted. I thought ‘later’ would turn into ‘never’, and… I couldn't deal with that.”

“You are my muse, my dear Esme. My love, my life. I would never leave you.”

“I know.” She said with a reassuring smile. “I know, V.”