And Love Said No

“They’re probably still in the back.” Bam’s voice was inaudible over the sound of the opening band blasting through the speakers at Tavastia. Esme tightly gripped Missy’s hand to make sure they didn’t get separated in the crowd. Reaching the backstage door was a trek made even more difficult after having a few drinks, but they finally made it. The security guards let the familiar faces pass through without a second thought. Once in the hallway, she was able to take a breath.

“You okay?” Missy asked.

“Yeah.” She sighed. “Yeah.”

“One more time and then I’ll believe you.” She smiled. Bam ran ahead, too excited to meet his friends again, leaving Missy and Esme to take their time.

“I don’t know. I just – I don’t want him to forget about me already.”

Missy pulled her waist close to hug her. “Sweetie, trust me, there’s no way you’re going to walk in to see some woman hooked on his arm, waiting for the chance to take him home. I have a feeling he’s gonna crawl on his knees to beg for your forgiveness the minute he sees you in this dress.”

She straightened the navy blue fabric so that it fit her better. At Missy’s insistence, she bought a new dress for tonight: a frock with a white trim at collar. To guard against the cold air, she wore black stockings and hoped the alcohol would mask the rest. She looked at Missy and smiled. “Thanks. Thanks for being a good friend.”

“Any time.”

The narrow hallway leading them to the echoes of voices and of laughter had a low ceiling and dim, yellow lighting, but it was decorated with memorabilia collected over the years to give it a certain charm. She knew this place like it was the back of her hand. Since she was 14, she would sneak into the club to watch the 69 Eyes perform; they were only able to play on weekdays in the beginning, so it was a small show to a handful of people. That didn’t matter to her, though. Esme was content mouthing the words in the back of the club with a big smile on her face and going to the after-party, which was really just the band and a couple of their friends getting drinks at a booth. Jussi would let a lot of things slide, but he never let her drink when she was underage; she protested every night because she just wanted to be part of the crowd, and he would roll his eyes and remind her that she was paying her dues.

Missy and Esme walked into the green room and were greeted by a round of “Hey!” and “Hello!” from the group. The 69 Eyes, HIM, Children of Bodom and some friends were gathered before the show. There were two couches against the wall, but most people stood with a beer in hand and chatted in small groups. She smiled at the sight of her friends.

“I’m gonna get a handle on Bam before he puts a hole through the wall again.” Missy said and disappeared in search of Bam, leaving Esme standing in the doorway.

She gasped when someone embraced her in a tight hug. “Ugh. Jussi, you’re smothering me!”

“That’s what you get for walking in here without so much as a hello.” he said, squeezing her closer to him.

“Hello! Hello. Hello!” She shrieked amidst giggles.

“Let the poor girl go before she runs off again.” Jyrki warned. Jussi loosened his grip, and she immediately retreated to Jyrki’s welcoming arms. “How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

Jyrki kissed her cheek and let go of her. “Ah, well, the stars are a little brighter now that you’re back in town.”

“Is there some great 19th century book of prose that makes its rounds among you lot?” she asked, gesturing at the bunch of friends, who were all prone to slipping poetic imagery into everyday conversation.

“Mmm, it is in our blood, I think.”

Esme shrugged. Her eyes traveled past his shoulder until she found the familiar face she was looking for. His usually vibrant green eyes were a more of a dull gray. His hair was cropped short, making his curls even more prominent. Their eyes met for a brief moment, and her mouth turned up to a smile. Esme bit her lip as the only way of keeping herself from running into his arms.

“He misses you dearly.”

She looked back at Jyrki; the sound of his voice startled her from her trance. “So… Jussi tells me that you met the love of your life. Where is she? I wanna meet the woman who was able to tame you!”

“I doubt he used quite those words. I’m sure you’re only being polite, but he hasn’t been so kind as to mask his disdain for Rosie.”

“I don’t hate her.”

“Haven’t I spoken to you about manners?” Esme teased.

Jyrki led them to a brunette on the couch. “It’s fine. I’m sure he’s just pissy that someone else is occupying my time. With you out of the country, he has been… oh, how shall I put this– a whiny little bitch.”

“Standing right here…” he murmured. “And I have not been whining.”

They walked to a young brunette on the couch with a beer in hand. She was talking to Archie and smiled when she saw Jyrki approach. Her eyes then drifted to Esme, and she stood to greet her with an outstretched hand. “Esme, I gather. Good to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too.” she smiled. Jussi grunted in response, and Esme shot him a glare.

“I hear that you’ve been in the States for a while. Jussi wouldn’t shut up about it.”

“Oh, please don’t mind him. He is usually more welcoming than I hear he’s been with you.” That earned a jab in her ribs from Jussi, which she quickly returned with her own nudge. He grabbed her hand, and she tried to twist out of his grip.

“What’s all this fuss about?” Missy asked as she walked over to the group with Bam in tow.

“Wrestling like five-year-olds.” Jyrki replied, thoroughly bored by the familiar scene.

Esme finally wriggled away from her cousin. “This is Missy and Bam. This is Rosie.”

“Nice to meet you.” the three spoke over one another.

“I’m gonna go talk to Ville.” Bam kissed his wife. “Yes, I will behave.”

“So, how was your trip?” Rosie asked.

“It was good. I had to get away from here for a bit, but I was in good company. Missy is such a sweetheart. Quite the hostess.”

“Don’t mention it. I was glad to hang with another girl. There’s too much testosterone in the house, and none of my girlfriends wanna visit me anymore after Novak streaked through the living room during Sunday brunch.”

“Oh,” Esme scrunched her nose. “What a mental image.”

“It’s burned in my memory, unfortunately.”

“How are things here?”

“They’re good. We’ve been in the studio for the past few weeks.” Jyrki said.

“Oh, right! Jussi said that you guys were working on new stuff. Will I get to hear anything new tonight?”

“I don’t think so. It’s not ready to be released really. Nothing is done quite the way we want it.” Jussi said.

“But come by the rehearsal space…” Jyrki offered. “I don’t know. Later this week, maybe.”

“Bodom, on deck.” a crew member called into the room. It was five minutes until showtime.

“Alright, I’m gonna get a drink. Who wants to come?” Esme asked.

“There’s beer in the corner.” Jussi pointed out.

“A real drink.”

“Oi.” he rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I’ll come with you.” Missy replied.

“No, I’m good.” Rosie excused.

“Okay.”

Esme and Missy started for the door, and Jussi followed close behind. “Oh, don’t leave me alone with those two. They’ll be sucking face the rest of the night.”

“You know, maybe you should take that as a sign that you need to settle down.” Missy suggested. “The one-night wonders are only going to satisfy you for so long.”

“Well as long as they satisfy me…”

“That’s not what I meant. I just think that…” Missy’s voice trailed away for Esme, who tried to sneak a glance at Ville on her way out. He had a beer in hand and was engrossed in whatever tale Bam was telling. She continued to follow Jussi and Missy to the bar, but she itched to hold Ville’s hand and to give him a kiss. She wanted him to hold her waist and whisper sweet nothings while gathered among friends.

“Es?” Jussi called her attention.

“Hm?”

“How’s your book coming?” he repeated.

“Well, um, I… missed my extension, so Dan gave me some extra time.”

“I’m glad he’s understanding.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that. He flipped out, and she had a whole argument about it.” Missy clarified.

“I just told him that if he wanted to rush an ending out of me, he should write it himself.”

“Did he take that well?”

“Well enough.”

Jussi opened the door and a wave of warm air hit them. The audience was scattered getting refills for their drinks while the stage was readied for the next band. Esme brushed past the bodies toward the bar. She was within sight, just a few more yards and she would escape the sweaty pack. Missy was behind her but Jussi was a few paces ahead.

“Well, well. I didn’t think you’d ever show up around here again.” came a bitter voice. Esme stopped in her tracks and turned around.

“Jonna.” With a strained voice, she asked. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s a club. I’m here to enjoy the music just like everyone else.” She stirred the straw in her drink.

Esme measured her words. “Well then, enjoy the music.”

Jonna didn’t allow her to walk away, though. She smugly said, “He’s lucky to have been with me.”

Esme curled her fist and sneered. “No, you’re lucky that Ville even bothered to give you the time of day. You never deserved him.”

“That would have been more convincing a few months ago, but well… I knew he wouldn’t resist a visit from me.” Esme’s chest tightened. “Hurts, doesn’t it? How do you think I felt?”

Esme softened and her voice faltered. “Th-that was different.”

“Why? Because you two had the courtesy to sneak around for a year instead of being outright? It doesn’t matter, it stings just as much.”

“Your relationship was doomed from the start. I had nothing to do with it.” She spat.

“You had no right to interfere with my life like that! If we were gonna make it or if we were gonna break up, that’s between the two of us. You shouldn’t have meddled–”

“It’s not like I forced him to do anything.”

“Yeah.” Jonna scoffed. “I could say the same thing. Now you know how it feels. Face it, I did you a favor. You know that he hasn’t changed. Who’s to say he wasn’t going to cheat on you with some younger, hotter woman three years down the line? I gave you a way out.”

“Ville’s a good person.”

“Is that right?” Her upper lip curled to a snarl. “Then why aren’t you with him?”

“Whatever is going on between the two of us is none of your business.”

“You’re a fucking hypocrite. Tell me, did you think for a second about me? We were friends, we hung out, and you were the last person I thought I had to worry about. You were friends with him for so many years, I figured if you two were gonna hook up, you would have done it by the time I came into the picture. How could you crawl out of bed with him and to the lunch table without a second thought?”

“You were a monster.” Her voice seethed between grit teeth. “You suffocated him.”

“Then he should have been man enough to do something about it!” She yelled. “He should have broken up with me if that’s how he felt. He shouldn’t have proposed or let me plan a wedding. Think about how it feels to be dumped a week before you’re set to walk down the aisle. One week, and he comes home to tell me that he doesn’t love me, that he didn’t want to be with me. Not even two days later and he’s out with you on his arm.”

“Don’t play the victim. It’s really not a color that suits you well.”

“I’m not playing anything.”

“Is that what this is, then? Revenge?”

“I didn’t have some master plan to screw you over, but when the opportunity fell in my lap, I took it. I didn’t expect you to walk in the next morning. That was just a side benefit of hurting him the way he did me.”

“Jonna, I’m nothing like you. Unlike you, I don’t revel in your breakup or in the pain it caused him. Unlike you, I didn’t set out to ruin a relationship. I didn’t chase after him while you were together, he came after me. When you had a fight, or when you kicked him out, or when you hurt him, he came to me. I was there for him, that’s all.”

“Yeah? Well, it looks like this time, I was there for him.”

Esme couldn’t bear to hear her voice any longer. Missy and Jussi had kept their distance, knowing that Esme wouldn’t want them to get involved. People were starting to crowd around them once they heard the escalating screams, and she felt stifled. Jussi saw the look on her face and tried to comfort her, but she put up a hand. “I gotta get out of here.”