Tonight the World Dies

Beks and I have now been dating for a month or so. Thing were going amazing between us and I couldn't be happier - except, we haven't had sex yet. It wasn't necessarily the fact that we hadn't had sex that bothered me, it was entirely my fault that we hadn't. What bothered me was the reason behind why I haven't had sex with her.

​​​It wasn't because I wasn't ready, or because I didn't desire her. It wasn't because she didn't try, or because I didn't want to. It was more complicated than all of that, and instead of talking about it, which would have been the logical thing to do, I just keep finding reasons why we couldn't do it.

​​​I was constantly faking phone calls, or pulling myself away from her. I told her I had places to be when I really didn't or told her I wasn't in the mood. All of these were lies, and I hated lying to her but this was just for the best.

​​​It was hard for me to pull away from her every single time things got too heated. I wanted nothing more than to make love to her, but I feared rushing her into things.

​​​ Beks was under me on the couch. My hand was up her shirt, and I had been telling myself for the last fifteen minutes to get up and do something else. Finally, with every ounce of energy I had, I pushed myself from the couch and sat next to her instead.

​​​She groaned and sat up in a sitting position as well. "Can you please stop treating me as if I'm some fragile little girl?"

​​​I furrowed my brows, "I'm not; I don't."

​​​"Yes you do," Beks rolled her eyes.

​​​"How?" I asked her.

​​​She groaned again. "We haven't had sex," she whined.

​​​I raised my eyebrows at her and held in a laugh. "Er..."

​​​She interjected, "And it's not from the lack of trying. I've tried on quite a few occasions and you always find some reason to quit before we can even get started."

​​​"I don't know what you're talking about," I lied.

​​​"Zachary..." She half moaned, half whined.

​​​"Rebekah," I half laughed.

​​​She groaned for a third time. "I'm being serious."

​​​I gave her a light smile. I know she was being serious but this conversation held a subject that I didn't want to talk about. "I know," was all I said.

​​​She straddled me and took my hands from my sides and placed them on her hips. "Come on," she whispered in my ear. The heat from her breath gave me chills. "You know you want to."

​​​She was right. I didn't want to, very much so. I had to fight the desire to tear off her clothes right there. She began to grind her hips into mine and she kissed me. I gripped her hips and pulled her closer to me.

​​​"Fuck me," she whispered against my lips. The temptation nearly tore me apart.

​​​I half-groaned, half-growled before swiftly sliding out from under her and pulling myself to my feet.

​​​"Seriously?" She sounded annoyed. "What am I doing wrong?"

​​​I rubbed the back of my neck. "You're not doing anything wrong, babe. You're doing everything so, so right. You think it's easy for me to pull away from you like that?"

​​​"It seems like it!" She exclaimed. I couldn't tell if her tone was out of anger or if she was hurt from my actions.

​​​"Well, it's not." I told her. I kept my voice soft and calm, I didn't want to accidentally spark an argument.

​​​"Then don't do it, don't stop yourself! I don't understand why you keep pulling away from me anyways!" She yelled. I didn't know how to respond so I didn't; she didn't wait long for a reply either. "Whatever," she said, grabbing her keys and purse from the table. "I'm going home."
She made her way to the door but I grabbed her before she could open it. "Beks, please don't leave."

​​​"Then tell me what's going on," she demanded.

​​​I murmured, "It's nothing you can change."

​​​She sighed. "I don't care! You can still tell me. I hate not knowing, and plus we don't keep secrets from each other!"

​​​I stared at her face, taking in every inch of it before sighing and agreed to tell her. She gave me a small peck on the cheek before saying thank you and walked back over to couch. I followed her.

​​​"I'm just..." I trailed off, unsure of that's where I wanted to start. I decided what the hell, and opened my mouth again. "I'm just afraid that once we start you might, I don't know, like have flashbacks from your past with Jake and...and the rest of those lowlifes. I don't want you to have to go through that again, even if it is all just in your head."
She didn't say anything for a moment but then said, "Zack, you can't keep letting my past get in the way of our future together."

​​​I knew that. But how was I supposed to forget what happened to her? I couldn't help it, I was constantly worrying about her. She seemed to get over Jake so easily; I was just so scared that she was going to relapse and use cocaine again or worse, run back to him. Instead of expressing this to her however, I only said, "I know."

​​​"Then stop doing it. Stop worrying about me so much. I'm not some weak girl, remember? Remember telling me how strong I was when you were convincing me how important it was for me to leave Jake after he put me in the hospital? Remember that? Remember that guy? Where is he because that's the guy I need, not someone treating me as though I'm going to break if you touch me."

​​​"That guy is right here, I'm here." I told her. "I don't think you're weak, babe. You're one of the strongest people I know. Everything I told you the day you finally left that sorry bastard still remains true. I will always remember how strong you were that day, and how strong you still are every day."

​​​"Then treat me like your girlfriend, and have sex with me. I can handle it." She told me. The urge to rip her clothes from her body hit me again like a hurricane. I fought to shove the thoughts to the back of my mind.

​​​"And what if it causes you to freak out, Beks? I wouldn't be able to stand doing that to you! I don't want to hurt you like that. It's not all about whether you can handle it or not, it's also about if I could handle it because I seriously don't know what I would do if I caused you to have a flashback."

​​​"I won't have a flashback, babe." She told me grabbing my hands. "I've waited, and I didn't try to have sex with you until I was sure I was ready."

​​​"But what if it does?" I persisted.

​​​She groaned. "If it does, which it won't, I'll tell you. If I start feeling uncomfortable in any way whatsoever, I'll let you know and we can stop."

​​​Every fiber of my being wanted me to give in. I wanted to take her right here on the couch. I remembered how great our first time together was on prom night, and I knew it would be more amazing now. She must have sensed my temptations because she was crawling back onto my lap.

​​​My throat was tight, and I was nervous suddenly. "Don't pull away this time," she whispered and kissed me. I immediately tried to deepen the kiss. She pulled away from me, "Promise me?'

​​​"I promise," I mumbled before pulling her face back down to mine.

​​​Her hands were all over my arms, shoulders, chest, neck and head. Mine were under her shirt, wandering across her back, pulling her closer to me with each passing second. We broke apart long enough for me to pull her shirt from her body. My lips immediately connected with her bare collarbone.

​​​She reached behind her and unclasped her bra and let it fall between us. My mouth traveled from her collarbone to her breast. She got up from my lap before I could bring her nipple into my mouth. She pulled her shorts and panties from her hips and was standing in front of me naked. I reached for her, but she took a step back and began walking to the stairs. She beckoned for me to follow her and without any hesitation, I did.

​​​I shed my shirt and jeans from my body in the hallway on the way to the bedroom. She pressed my body against hers when we entered the bedroom. She gave me a hard kiss on the mouth and then got to her knees. She pulled my boxers from me and let them drop to the ground. She grabbed my dick and brought it to her lips.

​​​After a few minutes, I couldn't take it anymore and I pulled her back up to me. I kissed her on the lips while backing her up to the bed. Her legs hit the mattress and she fell back onto the bed. I crawled on top of her bare frame, taking parts of her body into my mouth as I made my way to her mouth.

​​​Finally, I latched my mouth back onto hers. My hand snaked its way down to her vagina and she opened her legs inviting me to take her. I rubbed her clit for a moment before slipping my pointer finger into her. A light sigh escaped her lips as I kissed her jaw. I replaced my pointer finger with my middle and ring finger.

​​​She moaned and brought my lips back to hers. She kissed me and then pulled away as another moan escaped her lips. "Zack," she whispered, "I can't wait any longer."

​​​I kissed her again while I pulled my fingers from her and positioned myself between her legs. ​​"Baby, are you sure?" I asked her. "We can stop if you're not 100% sure..."

​​​She cut me off. "Zack!"

​​​"Okay, okay!" I laughed.

​​​Beks curled up next to me afterwards. She kissed me lightly on the lips before laying her head back down on my chest. "See, no flashbacks."

​​​I smiled. "I had a couple," I told her.

​​​"Of what?" She laughed.

​​​"Prom night," I told her.

​​​She laughed too. "Oh, shut up!"

​​​I pulled her closer to me. "What can I say? It was a great night for me!"

​​​"Even though I made you keep it a secret?" She asked.

​​​I kissed the top of her head. "Oh definitely. I love having secrets that only you and I know."

​​​"Me too," she said quietly.

​​​We didn't speak for a while. I consumed myself in thoughts about how happy I was in that moment. I couldn't remember the last time I was so happy, and it wasn't because I just had sex with a beautiful woman. Okay, it wasn't entirely because I had just had sex with a beautiful woman.

​​​Beks made me happy. Everything about her made me smile. No matter how much time I spent with her it was never quite enough. I just wanted to be around her every second of every day.
I pulled her closer to me once again, and she responded my hugging me tighter.

​​​"Beks..." I whispered.

​​​"Yeah?"

​​​The words came out easily. "You should move in with me."

​​​She looked up at me. "What?"

​​​I shifted so I was sitting up and could look at her properly. She sat up next to me, the bedsheet wrapped around her naked chest. "Move in with me. You basically live here anyways, let's make it official."

​​​"Aren't you afraid it's too soon?" She asked me.

​​​I shook my head. "We've known each other since elementary school. There's nothing you do that I don't know about or vice versa. It's not like I'm going to start liking you any less just because you live here."

​​​She studied my face for a second. "Me either."

​​​"So move in with me," I ran my hand through her hair. "Please."

​​​She nodded. "Once Valary starts feeling better," she told me. Valary was still feeling sick from morning sickness and Beks helped her out as much as she could.

​​​"I can't wait," I told her, kissing her lips.

​​​She crawled back on top of me. "Until then..." She kissed me, "we can just keep doing this."

​​​I smiled at her and kissed her again. Onto round two.