Warrior

I’m surrounded by strangers. Men and women I’ve never seen before. Most of them are undoubtedly kind, but the rapid beating of my heart within my chest and the sweating of my palms suggests that my body thinks differently. I grow anxious with the anticipation that these strangers will be surrounding me for the next few days. All that stands between me and them is a very understanding boyfriend, but even he can’t always protect me from my self destructive mind. Whatever horrendous things these people could do to me, I’ve already imagined. Everything from getting raped by a stranger, to being captured and sold into slavery, to being blown up by a bomb or shot at with a gun. Nothing is to wild for my brain too fathom.

I wasn't born anxious. I remember not being afraid of anything. Climbing the tallest trees and jumping off bridges into the coldest lakes. Nothing seemed to scare my younger self. Unfortunately, I know what turns that version of myself into the person I am today. I remember it as though it was yesterday. The bullies at school always mocked me. Each day they found something new that they didn't like about me. My clothes, my hair, my shoes, my handwriting, my bag, etcetera. That was how it started. I no longer wanted to go to school because I was afraid of what they would tease me with next. I tried to live up to these weird expectations they had, but nothing I did seemed to work. When my best friend turned on me and exposed all my secrets to the rest of my class, going to school turned into walking through hell.

The teasing got worse. They started calling me names, even in front of teachers who ended up being a big part of the ongoing problem. Then my class turned violent. They started throwing rocks at me while I was cycling home. One day a boy in my class put his lock on my bike. Laughing they dragged me away from my bike, scraping my knees across the harsh pavement. Hell. That was what it was.

After that I started to fear everything. I started questioning everyone's motives. Why would they want to know these things? What purpose would such information have? How could such trivia end up hurting me? People went from good creatures with good intentions, to bad creatures with worse intentions. Even after seeing the good in many, my mind still tells me that everyone is bad unless proven otherwise.

It stopped me from doing the things I loved. Walking my dog at night was no longer an option. Someone could jump out at me with a gun or a knife. Telling people honest stories never seemed like a good idea. Someone could use such information against me. Attending parties where I knew less than half the people was out of the question. Someone might come into my life and mess everything up. Everything I did was planned out a certain way. I would never go home alone. Whenever I was feeling unsafe I would call my father. During my anxiety attacks I would do breathing exercises with my mother. I had to take into account that I was afraid of everything.

Now here I was. At a massive music festival, surrounded by people I do not know. Each and every single one of them could be a danger to me. But, than again they could also be the nicest people I've ever met. I take a deep breath and let out a controlled sigh. Every fiber of my being is telling me to run, to exclude myself from this current mass of people, to lock myself up in one of the many toilet stands. I lock eyes with some of these strangers. None of them know me and I don't know them. This brings me both comfort and great anguish. Someone bumps into my on their path. I shake with terror. Did I do something wrong? I quickly utter the word sorry, though they were the one bumping into me.

"Hey, you okay?" I eventually hear. I turn around to lock eyes with my boyfriend. He's holding a fresh cup of hot chocolate for me. I smile at him as I feel my anxiety fade into the background. "I'm good, just having a really bad anxiety attack." He takes my hand and squeezes it tightly. "Let's show it who's boss," he smiles and we walk into the crowd and onto the next band we really wanted to see play live.