The Fork and the Ladle

"No! Don't Eat That!" Yelled the lady who said she would be my Waitress, roughly 12 minutes ago.

I looked up from my oily pasta and saw the crazed woman jumping over tables, even a child! I looked back at my meal. "What the heck is going on? Why is it taking her so long to get here? Is this some sort of anime?!" I muttered to myself with enough confusion to challenge the amount of Parmesan cheese piled atop the dark noodles.

I stabbed my fork into the top of the pasta mound with as much elegance as a giraffe on a trampoline.

"Don't Eat That Pasta!" Yelled my waitress from about halfway across the building, It's not even that large of a building. I looked back at the waitress. She was really trying to get to me. I saw her push someone out of the way, trip, get up, and then trip again. This is when I learned that my ability to stab a fork into fancy entrées was far more superior and elegant than this poor girl.

I think her name was Darlene. The poor Darlene ran into an old crippled man who, in confusion and crippledness, started swinging his crutch around, hitting my waitress, until he fell over like a baby duckling who's given up on life.

I turned and started talking to the family that was sitting at the table next to me. I wanted to tell them all about what a fool and how silly Darlene was.

FINALLY, Darlene made it to my table, after yelling more nonsensical things at me. The pathetic woman was panting and trying to speak at the same time! Every hamster knows that that's just a recipe for disaster Ham sandwich. Mmmm... Ham sandwich.

I looked at the tired waitress, and then back at my meal. Without taking my eyes off the expensive, $10, meal I said, "Darlene. I'm so glad you're here," I ate a bite of the oily, cheesy pasta, "Do you think I could get some more of your fancy pear ma Shaun cheese?" I asked. Her eyes grew wide, the way they bulged out was very cartoonish! It was great!

She stared at me with her cartoon eyes.

She kept staring at me with her intense cartoon eyes.

I waved my fork in front of her face and some of the oil got in her eye. She fell to her knees and covered her eye. "Gah! Crap! Damn! Gah! Crap! What the hell is wrong with you?!" Mumbled the waitress loudly.

Really loudly.

Okay, she yelled it. "And my name is Sarah! Not Darlene! I have a name tag you idiot!" She continued.

"Hey now! You're an all star and that was hurtful!" I cried back. Darlene turned toward the rest of the staff--

MY NAME IS SARAH!

Hey! I'm supposed to be narrating!

SCREW YOU!

You're making this very difficult for the reader, Darlene! Cough, cough! Anyways, the waitress told the other staff that I had about six minutes left to live, and they needed to remove me from the building so there wouldn't be a mess. "Nonsense! I'm immune to poison!" I told her, with pride. "Not from poison! From me you dumb ass! This meal isn't what you ordered! I was trying to stop you from eating someone else's meal! You've got two minutes before I beat you to a pulp buddy!" Fear filled my body and I ran out the exit, yelling, "try to catch me you clumsy fool!" Darlene followed close behind and we ran into the sunset!

I'm pretty sure she got fired.

SCREW YOU!

Darlene! Stop narrating!