Illuminate

Silence and snowflakes. She stood there in the darkness, her mouth opened in that unending silent scream of anguish. I had long gotten used to the silence and shadows, deciding to spend my time observing this part of me that I had created.

Why does she scream in silence? Can she not speak freely? Is this really how I feel in my subconscious?

So many burning questions and yet so little answers. The snowflakes were warm as they touched my skin, and I held a hand to capture a few. As in reality, they were pure white and fluffy in appearance. I stole a glance across the way towards the girl who stood as still as a statue, mouth painfully wide in terror. Her eyes remained unblinking and as black as the void that surrounded us.

How long had I been having this dream?

What would happen if I touched her?

Rising to my feet, I stepped slowly through the snow until I stood before her. It was then I realized how much smaller she was compared to myself. I was a young woman, but she was just a teenage girl. She did not move as I circled her curiously. I circled back, and bent down slightly to gaze into those endlessly black eyes.

Her hand shot out before I had time to blink. A startled cry escaped my lips as her thin fingers wrapped around my wrist like a vice. My heart raced wildly in fear as her head tilted to look straight at me, mouth slowly closing. With a jerk she brought her face a breath away from my own. It was then I saw it - the swirling colorless images in her eyes.

Swallowing my fear, I leaned even closer. The entire world went black as I was drawn into her consciousness, the images suddenly coming to life like smoke. Everything seemed jumbled and hazy until slowly it began to take form. Drawn into a world of black and white, figures stood before me.

"Does she know?" the tallest figure asked in a deep voice, his broad back facing me.

A lithe figure of a woman appeared off to the side with long curly hair - the Queen of Hearts I realized.

"Of course she doesn't. The one called Alice has never remembered her past lives," she said bitterly, brushing her long hair over her shoulder in irritation.

The girl controlled the image, bringing us closer to the two figures and I realized that the man was the Hatter. His features were contorted with concern as he gazed out the window.

"Poor Alice," the Queen murmured, her expression thoughtful and sad. "What has the world done to her poor soul?"

What did that mean? My eye gave an involuntary twitch as a vision was brought to the forefront, sending a painful wave of energy throughout my brain. Tall buildings towered over cobbled streets, people bustling every which way with motor cars and carriages strolling leisurely. Home, I realized. I had been in Wonderland for so long that I forgot what home was like. The image was so profound that it made my heart ache for my sister and my friends.

Another painful wave washed over me and I clenched my eyes closed tightly. There was something that I was forgetting, something buried deep inside my mind that I could not remember. Somehow, it terrified me whatever this memory was. My body did not want me to remember it.

The face of a man appeared suddenly, scattering the vision like shattering glass. His features were young yet stern with a strong jaw and cold eyes. I stared at that face for what seemed like eternity. I knew him, I know I did. The world around me gave a shudder before the face disappeared like smoke and I was mentally shoved.

I suddenly felt as though I was drowning. The chill of the snow began to seep through my clothing and I bolted into an upright position. I felt the girl standing next to me and I braced myself. I lifted my gaze with the intent of asking questions about what she had shown me and my heart stopped. She stood there with her long black hair, her eyes no longer as black as the void - they were my eyes. The image was more chilling then of her screaming endlessly in silence. Ice crept into my heart and I rose to my feet.

The image of that man returned and I watched the girl's face contort in pain. Bewildered, I reached out to her but she turned on her heel and ran off into the darkness leaving me in the Void alone. Focusing on the falling snow, I tried very hard to think. What was so familiar about that man and what did he mean to me? Like Nightmare, he was an unknown and it was unsettling. Squeezing my eyes tight, I fought to bring forth a vision.

Alice!

An invisible hand collided with my forehead so hard that my entire being seemed to snap in and out of focus. Silence was replaced with growing noise, people talking in concerned voices. Footsteps grew louder as did the voices - people arguing. Opening my eyes, I found myself staring at a wonderfully blue sky with fluffy white clouds.

Confused as to how or when I made it outside, I sat up slowly and took in the scene around me. I had ended up in a field of white flowers. I realized how much they resembled the snow from the Void as I traced my fingertips over them. Taking a deep breath, I focused on two teenage boys arguing with each other a few feet away.

I zeroed in on the tall twin spears they held and jumped to my feet in a panic. The image of the two gentlemen on the beach came to mind and I frowned.

On cue, both boys stopped arguing and turned to stare at me with wide, harlequinn eyes. I stared at them in confusion as a chill swept over me.

"I do not understand," I breathed. Fear was beginning to make my heart race unsteadily and I began to feel lightheaded. Stumbling, I turned away from the twins and began walking.

I tried to make sense of what was happening. I thought, am I seeing the memories of the other "Alice"? Which one and how many have there been? Has there actually been any or am I just going mad?

Two small yet powerful hands gripped both of my arms. The bright sky began to darken and fade. A shiver traced down my spine as the figures on either side of me began to groan and shake. A low hiss sounded and I stood tall in silence, fear robbing me the ability to breathe. Slowly the two figures leaned forward into my line of sight and I swallowed hard.

Both children were missing their eyes. Their features were grotesque and disfigured as the world began to alter into the Void. She appeared there standing in the bright white snow with her mouth opened wider then before and her hands were shaking with an unnatural speed.

A shrill scream blasted through the air like a gunshot. The sound chilled me to the bones and paralyzed me with fear. It wasn't until my own body began to shake wildly did I realize that it was my own.

"Alice, wake up!"

"It's just a nightmare, Alice!"

"WAKE UP!"

It was as if an elastic band had snapped. One moment I could not move my body and the next I moved with lightening speed. I lashed out at anything that was near me, unable to remove the horrendous images of the deadly twins from my mind. I needed to breathe. I pushed through the wall of my worried companions and stumbled out into the night. The sight of the night faeries and their light made me realize that I was finally awake.

Closing my eyes on a prayer, I breathed deep and tried to calm the adrenaline coursing through my veins. My heart rate was hard and fast from my panic attack. I dropped to my knees in the grass and hung my head in relief.

People were shouting my name and a hand touched my shoulder. I froze immediately upon impact as the missing eyes and frightful expressions of the twins came to mind. I tore away from the unwanted touch. I covered my face with hands that shook terribly and were icy cold.

"What on earth is going on?" a voice demanded through my haze of fear. Julius.

While the group conversed in hushed yet urgent tones, I forced myself to take a few deep breaths to calm myself. Once I was able to return my heart rate to normal, I removed my hands and gazed around. I was no longer dreaming or stuck in the Void. I glanced down at my shaking hands and clenched them repeatedly until the feeling returned to them.

"Alice?" The voice was soft and hesitant as if I were to be scared away.

I finally looked up to see my friends standing there staring at me with worried eyes. I lifted my hand towards them in a slight wave.

"I am okay...I think," I said shortly as I stumbled to my feet and brushed off my dress.

Hatter came closer very hesitantly, his eyes weary as he regarded me. "You were dreaming."

I paused. Swallowing hard, I straightened and looked him in the eye. "I damn well hope so."

All of them seemed stunned by use of language, especially Chesire. Hatter leaned closer with serious intent.

"What's been going on with you, Alice?" he demanded, "What have you been seeing?"

Unable to relive it just yet, I turned to Julius. "I would like to return the Clock Tower."

Julius inclined his head without a word and turned to lead the way back, though his expression was drawn with worry. Neither Hatter nor Cheshire argued as they turned to follow, but Ace had other plans. He stormed over and reached out for me. The darkness blasted out of my skin like a frigid air, seeping towards him like a weapon. My vision abruptly seemed to change as though I were gazing out through tinted glass.

I turned with a warning glance, and spoke in an eerie sing-song voice. "Do not touch me so carelessly, Reaper. You might just lose your head."

He froze mid-reach. A muscle in his jaw ticked as he cocked his head slightly at my response, his eyes traveling to the tendrils of black smoke that reached and retreated before him dangerously. He took a step back reluctantly and I felt a hint of satisfaction. The little girl's laughter echoed in my head. I felt as though I was merely an astral projection. My body suddenly no longer felt like my own.

I had known all along that while stuck in the Void that the darkness was becoming a part of me. It showed in the change of my hair and in the ink tattoos. The shadows had now become a part of me, a barrier against the unknown and a protective entity from those who sought to cause harm. I was not afraid - she was me and I needed to accept all aspects of myself if I was going to win the game and find my way home.

The Clock Tower was within reach when I sensed it. A chill raced down my spine as I stopped and looked into the shadows of the tree line. Cheshire paused beside me, his ears lifted and alert. His tail swished back and forth rapidly before curling around my legs protectively.

"What is it?" Julius asked as he observed his companions staring towards the woods with rapt interest.

I did not move and felt rather than saw the darkness seep from my skin like smoke to curl around my arms. Cheshire flinched slightly at the sight but remained close.

"Who is there? I demand that you show yourself," I called into the shadows. The oily atmosphere threatened to choke me.

A low growl emitted from the darkness followed with a pair of bright red orbs and the hair on my neck stood. This was nothing I had ever encountered before.

Jabberwockie

So the darkness had a voice.

"Jabberwockie," I breathed. The growl grew louder and more potent at the mention of his name.

Hatter gripped my shoulder tight, ignoring the shadows that raced over his skin to leave behind prickles of numbing pain in warning.

"If that's the Jabberwockie, we'd best be getting inside," he said seriously. His grip tightened like a vice.

I stared the beast down as he stepped out of the tree line into the light. His Lion-like face curled in a dangerous snarl to reveal razor-sharp teeth. His body was large and covered in short, thick white hair with a long tail containing sharp barbed needles - a deadly weapon. His hair raised as he released a loud hiss.

"Hatter," Julius said seriously, his voice slightly trembling. I heard the cock of a gun and the shick of a blade being drawn on either side.

The dark filter filled my vision and the beast roared in displeasure at the sight. My companions jerked in surprise at the awful sound.

"Go inside. I will deal with the Jabberwockie," I said quietly, eyeing the beast as he prowled closer with his fangs on display. He was hunting and somehow I knew that I was his prey.

"Are you mad?" Julius cried.

My lips curled. "Why yes," I said honestly, finding his words rather humourous. "Yes, I believe I am."

Julius paled as Cheshire rushed to grab him before he collapsed. Hatter shook his head, releasing a curse.

"Bloody hell," he muttered as he raised to aim his gun at the incoming monstrocity. "Cheshire, get Julius inside the Tower."

I could feel those golden orbs staring a hole into my back but I dared not to look away from the prowling cat. Reaching out towards him, I watched the tendrils of black smoke move from my flesh towards the creature. It moved like fog as it reached out until it came close enough to the beast to touch it. The pain was instant. The beast reared back and released a ferocious roar that shook the earth. His crimson eyes glowed bright before he charged.

Shots rang out as Hatter fired off his gun and rushed off to the side as the beast tore towards me with frightening speed. My body moved on its own. My arm shot out to send a black wave. The wave formed an impenetrable black wall of smoke that stopped the beast from advancing.

My vision grew darker as my anger unfurled. "Go back to your master, Jabberwockie. You have no place here."

The cat growled low in his throat. A loud whistle suddenly echoed through the forest and his ears lifted to attention. Releasing a shrieking cry, he turned and disappeared into the forest.

The darkness soaked back into my skin turning the veins black momentarily before fading. I clenched my hand into a fist to ensure all was well before turning to the Hatter. He stood there with his gun still in hand, breathing heavily.

"What happened to you, Alice?" he whispered.

I gazed at him in silence. His expression grew uncomfortable as he adverted his gaze. I realized that it must be because the tint was still present in my vision. Without a word I headed toward the tower where the others waited in fearful silence.

They parted like the red sea when I stepped into the Tower. I moved directly towards the tall black rimmed mirror that Julius kept on the wall and stared. My once beautiful hair the color of sunshine was now completely as black as the shadows that laid beneath my skin. The most disconcerning thing was my eyes - they were rimmed with thick shadowed tattoos and were as black as the Void. Her eyes.

I stood there for what seemed like eternity, observing and forcing myself to accept what I had now become. As time passed my eyes began to fade and my vision returned to normal. The tattoos remained and the jewels sparkled in the candlelight. Who is this Alice? I thought as I stared at myself. I thought of the girl inside of my dreams and began to think. Was she really me? Is this part of what I cannot remember?

"There is only one person in Wonderland who has a Jabberwockie," Hatter said furiously.

I turned away from the mirror to stare at him. He glanced at me a bit hesitantly before speaking to the others. "The Red Queen is the only one who has such a fearsome pet."

"And what would the Queen of Hearts want with me?" I demanded in a voice harsher than I had intended. I cleared my throat uneasily.

"I apologze," I murmured, running a hand down my throat. "The shadows...they make me feel odd."

Cheshire's eyes looked so sad as he gazed at me. Hatter looked at me with suspicion and Julius stared as though I had become a stranger. I looked away from their unnerving stares.

"Something has changed in Wonderland. The game has changed," he said, eyeing me ruefully.

Unknowingly, I twisted a lock of black hair around my finger as I pondered over the evening's events.

The Red Queen sees you as a threat, love.

I flinched. "Nightmare?"

Julius' eyes sharpened. "What did you just say?"

I paused to look at my companions and closed my lips. Something was telling me that I needed to keep my thoughts and interactions with Nightmare to myself. I waved my hand dismissively before turning to the kitchen to prepare some tea.

"What do you mean?" I whispered softly under my breath so the others wouldn't hear.

Be careful where you say my name, dearest.

His warning came loud and clear for I could Julius' eyes burning into the back of my head, making the hair on my arms rise. What I didn't understand was why. What was it about Nightmare that was so concerning?

Forget that for now, sweetheart. There are more important matters at hand, I'm afraid.

On a sigh, I set down the tea I was preparing and turned to my group. "I am exhausted. I believe I will retire for the evening."

All eyes followed me as I moved towards the stairs. I closed my door behind me and moved to sit on the stone sill.

"Speak Nightmare," I said sternly as his presense flitted through my conscious.

Becoming rather bold and arrogant, are we?

I massaged my tired eyes on a sigh and tried to calm my growing agitation.

"I do sincerely apologize Nightmare, but I feel so lost. I do not know what is real anymore," I expressed earnestly. Tears filled my eyes unwillingly and I pressed on my eyes to keep them at bay.

Love, do not fret, he crooned softly. All will be well.

"How, Nightmare?" I murmured. "How will all be well if the Red Queen is sending her Jabberwockie to kill me? What does this mean?"

She sees you as a threat. Word travels fast, my love. All of Wonderland has been hearing rumors of you remembering pieces of your past...visitations.

I frowned. "Visitations? What is going on, Nightmare? Have I been trapped here all this time?"

I could feel him move around in my mind, gently poking and prodding. Images of young Alice flittered in and out in different areas and stages. Sometimes Alice had curly hair, sometimes straight as a pin but all were blond as sunshine. Suddenly there was one last image - a little Alice with black hair. I gasped as I instantly recognized the girl from my dreams.

"It's her, Nightmare. She is the one I see in my dreams, the one that gave me these shadows," I breathed as the vision faded to reveal the twinkling stars in the sky.

Tell me, Alice...why do you think she is so familiar to you?

I frowned. The question he posed was one I had often been asking myself. I thought back to my last visit to the Void and remembered her eyes after she shared the visions. That man...she had something to do with that man. He had been close to her, been close to her older sister...

A sharp pain shocked my brain and I closed my eyes to quell it. The girl's face appeared once more with a loving expression. At her side was the young man who was speaking to her while holding her hand. They were walking down a familiar pathway through a garden. In the distance was her older sister wearing a loving smile. Confused, I watched the young dark haired Alice walk hand in hand with the strange man towards my sister and embrace her tightly.

"Who is this man, Nightmare and what is he to my sister and I?" I asked as the vision slowly receeded but not before the strange man's eyes glanced in my direction. A jolt of electricity flowed through my body. Another image flashed before my eyes of him with my sister's chin in a strong grip while whispering to her. My sister's face was deathly pale and her eyes were filled with terror and tears.

You will give me your sister or she will die

All the blood drained from my face and black spots filled my vision. I swayed on the window sill, leaning outwards to the depths below when a pair of strong arms wrapped my around me.

As my vision swam, the last thing I saw was Cheshire's sad topaz eyes.

"Oh, Alice," he whispered sorrowfully," please don't remember. Please, I beg you...don't remember."

That was the last thing I heard before I was swallowed by the darkness. Followed by that was a shrill scream.