Illuminate

She stood there with her mouith opened in that unnatural scream that never produced a sound. Long hair as black as the darkness itself stood out starkly against the whiteness of the gathering snow. Those moonlit silver eyes bore into my own as I stood there watching her. She never moved, never blinked.

I had no inkling of how long I had been stuck here in this void, but it felt like eternity. I recalled seeing the faces of my friends and how I had no control of my own body. Was this girl a fragment of the Madness coming from Wonderland? What is happening to me, and why? The others had mentioned this had never happened in the previous times 'Alice' had been here in Wonderland. What did that mean? What exactly in Wonderland, was changing?

Suddenly the snow stopped, and the girl's mouth snapped shut though her eyes remained unwavering and unblinking. I felt a tug deep within my chest and I flinched in response. I was as though something inside was trying to claw it's way out. The girl's eye twitched. The void began to grow almost smothering until I saw nothing, not even my own hands.

Light appeared behind my closed lids and I dared to lift them, to test what it was I would see. A clear, starry sky came into view as I opened my eyes wide in awe. I was no longer trapped in the void, but back within my body and lying soundlessly in my room in the Clock Tower. I sat upright and glanced around the room.

A shadow lurked in the corner, the figure of a man and I stiffened in response. Staring at the black mass, I couldn't help but realize that there was something very familiar about his presence. It was then I realized I wasn't seeing colors, but only shades. As it was nighttime, it was hard to tell but my once beautifully blue curtains were just a dark shade of grey along with brown dresser and book shelf. I, myself was normal but my surroundings were black and white. Confused, I looked to the shadowed figure.

"This is my realm," the figure said in a voice that I was very familiar with, and I stared.

"I know you," I breathed, unable to place why or how I knew this stranger. I had heard him inside of my mind many times, for longer then I realized.

He stepped from the shadows, a tall handsome man with soft features and hair as black as the void, braided loosely over his shoulder. A black eye patch was fastened to shield his left eye, while the right was the color of dying embers and gazed at me with affection. I could only stare at him, a strange emotion welling inside of me that brought tears to my eyes. I knew him.

All of my emotions boiled to the surface and threatened to explode. The unshed tears now fell freely at the sight of this man, my savior and I reached out for him.

"Nightmare." My voice was nothing but a whimper, but his smile softened and he came forward to pull me into his warm embrace.

Confused, I could only allow him to cradle me as I shed all the emotions that I had been struggling with. Everything from the strange visions of myself, to seeing the bloody clocks, and the darkness growing within myself. It all came out and he accepted it all without complaint.

My head grew more clear with each tear that I shed. When I could cry no more, I pulled away from the man and gazed up at him in confusion.

"I don't understand," I said honestly, confused as to why I feel so comfortable in his presence or why I felt that I trusted him.

He features never changed and he smoothed a white gloved hand over my hair in a soothing motion that calmed my nerves and I could breathe easier.

"I've always been with you, watching you," he murmured, the light in his eye growing. "You are my greatest joy."

I frowned at him. "I'm afraid that I still don't understand. What do you mean you have always been watching me?"

His smile took on a secretive edge, and a glint appeared in his eye in the moonlight. "You know the answer to that question, Alice. You're just not ready to remember."

A sharp pain flashed behind my eyes and I squeezed them shut tightly, my head suddenly throbbing. I cradled my head, not noticing that his warmth had left my side. The pain grew more intense with each passing moment, something rising to the forefront of my mind. An image.

A memory blasted into view, a memory of my mother when she had been alive and had taken me to a magnificent field of flowers. I had met a strange boy there with amber eyes and beautifully long black hair. I had woven him a flower crown and he had told me that he would never forget me, and the kindness I had shown him.

"We shall meet again, Alice. I promise."

Air slammed into my lungs, the shock jolting my body into rolling to the side and onto a floor. Eyes opened wide, I realized that the world was once more colorful and I was in my bedroom in the Clock Tower. I swept my wild bed hair away from my face as my door burst open to reveal a startled looking Julian.

"Alice, what happened?" he demanded, stepping over to kneel beside me and assist me to my feet.

I stood shakingly, brushing the rest of my hair back and gazed around in awe. How long had I been surrounded in darkness? I drank in the sight of the colors, and Julian's features like a starved child. Reaching out, I grasped his hands and held them tightly, feeling his flesh before sighing in relief.

"Oh, thank the heavens," I murmured, stroking his hands gently with my thumbs, eyes closed. Somehow I had been freed from the darkness and was back in reality in my body.

Julian stared at me, flustered as I held on tightly to his hands. "Um..."

He tried to move away, but I held fast and met his embarrassed gaze. "Please, just let me feel you a little longer. I will explain as best I can afterwards. I just," I choked up, tears filling my eyes, "I just need to know that you are here and real."

His eyes softened and he wrapped his hands loosely, yet comfortingly around my own and I closed my eyes, allowing myself to feel the warmth of his presence. Once I calmed down, I released him and gazed around.

"What happened?" I asked, once I was ready to leave the bedroom. He escorted me to the kitchen and began making tea. "I remember waking up after a dream."

Julian carried over two cups of tea, setting mine before me. He looked at me seriously.

"You don't remember what happened after that?" he asked, his gaze intense and I shook my head.

"I remember the feeling that something was wrong," I explained, thinking back to how terrifying it was to feel that I had no control over my body, and I shivered. "I felt...strange. Like I was not myself."

He sipped his tea silently, before settling it back down carefully. "You most certainly were not yourself, Alice. There was another."

My blood chilled. Another? How could there be another, other than me? The raven haired girl flashed in my mind and I gasped.

"That girl from my dreams," I breathed in horror, the tea cup falling my hand. The shatter was like the sound of a gunshot and I jumped to my feet. I suddenly felt as though I needed to get out of there.

"Alice, wait!" he shouted after me as I turned and fled the Clock Tower.

I just ran. I did not know where I was going, but just that I needed to go. I ran until my legs gave out and I collasped onto a path of sand. Curious, I curled my hands in the warmth and lifted my gaze to see where I had led myself. An expansive ocean of pristine blue was layed out before me, the sand beautiful and white as the waves seemed to caress the shoreline. Ripples sparkled in the sunlight and I felt my heart expand. The sight was beautiful and I rose to my feet to take it all in. The sound was so peaceful that I felt all my worries just slip away like a gentle breeze, removing the weight from my shoulders and like I had with Nightmare, I felt like I could breathe again.

I closed my eyes and just allowed myself to feel the ocean breeze, warmth of the sunshine, soft sand and forget about everything else. My mind began to calm, my thoughts beginning to organize themselves and my heart open. The darkness that I had felt seeping into my very soul began to wash away like the ocean tide. When I opened my eyes again, I felt rejuvenated and at peace with my situation. I was able to think clearly about my situation. I thought of what the others had said about my condition, that it had never happened before. The man, Nightmare gave me the impression that he had more answers to the burning questions that had been haunting me.

"Miss Alice, whatever are you doing all the way out here?"

I was surprised in myself when I realized that somehow I knew that I was not alone on this beach. I cast a glance over my shoulder and saw two young men standing there, twins. Both were dressed in black and red uniforms, the Queen's colors and were holding tall black obsidian spears with tips shaped like Spades. The only difference between the two of them were the colors of their eyes; one as blue as the ocean, the other as green as fields of fresh grass.

I fully turned to them and smiled as a vision of twin-like little boys flashed before me and left just as quickly. Leon and Ion they were called.

"Why, I am but enjoying the sunshine and warm sand," I said honestly, tilting my head to observe them carefully in their on-duty uniforms. "What are the two of you doing here?'

They exchanged a careful side glance before returning to me. In the time it took me to blink, one of them stood close behind me with some of my golden locks in his grasp, the other in front of me holding my hand gently in his own. Both of them smiled down at me mischeviously and I blinked in surprise. They seemed to tower over me, encompassing me in their presence and yet they reminded me of children.

"We had heard about you, and what had happened from Mr. Rabbit," Leon said, his blue eyes twinkling, his fingers gently sifting through my hair, his gaze sharpening on the black locks.

"'Tis unfortunate, that," Ion said with a frown, his green eyes filled with pity as he held my hand in one while his gloves fingertips caressed the inked tattoos near my eyes. Those eyes lit up as he smiled and met mine. "I must say, they do suit you, little Alice."

Feeling slightly embarrassed, I looked back towards the water as the two of them watched me carefully, noticing the colorful fluctuation of the gemstones born of my flesh. Both hummed in sync, obviously amused as they toyed with the unique strands of my hair.

"You never answered my question," I murmured, to hide my embarrassment. They didn't seem to question the fact that I already knew who they were, even though it was my first time this game to meet them. "I see that you still have your uniforms on."

Leon smiled mysteriously and tilted his head, his black and white harlequin hair caressing his face in the breeze. Ion mimicked his twin and remained silent. I glanced between the two of them once more, before catching movement from behind them and straightened with a frown. The beach and all its wonders had been able to clear my mind, and soothe my inner anguish but I couldn't remain oblivious forever. Something very serious was happening to me, and to Wonderland.

Peter White appeared, his snow white hair tied back in a loose ponytail over his shoulder. The darkness that I contained unfurled inside of me. Peter seemed to bring out the worst in me, for I felt as though I had been betrayed by him when I had trusted him the most as a child. I still had many questions revolving around my childhood, and if that child really had been me.

His crimson eyes seemed to melt into stunning rubies as he laid his gaze upon me. "Alice," he breathed with an affectionate smile.

I remained unmoving, unsure of what to think or how to feel about his annoying everlasting presence. This character confused me the most, aside from Nightmare, a person who seemed anything but. Two obsidian rods crossed in front of me, closing me off protectively. Surprised, I looked up at them both and saw that they were fixated intensely on his approach.

"What is the meaning of this?" Peter asked in a hard voice, his gaze growing as cold as winter. A chill flashed down my spine. It was times like this, that reminded me of how dangerous Peter White truly was.

"I have the feeling that she doesn't wish to see you, Mr. Rabbit. Run along back to Her Majesty," Leon said seriously, his gaze unflinching.

"Yes, Mr. Rabbit," Ion said in a more languid tone, a slight smile on his lips. "Her Majesty usually as her tea time about now, does she not?"

I watched as those red orbs hardened, his face becoming over shadowed with murderous contempt when suddenly a tinkling bell rang in the background where Heart Palace stood. His long ears tweaked back and forth before making a face of distain. He bowed his head slightly, not meeting my gaze as he turned and disappeared from sight.

"How can he be so frightening compared to my visions?" I whispered without meaning to say my thoughts out loud.

Both men turned to me with wide eyes of surprise and I gasped, covering my mouth with my hand in fear of speaking more. Ion's eyes sparkled with delight.

"You remember your past lives?" he asked incrediously, and I stiffened in response. He didn't notice and looked to Leon, who was just as intrigued.

"How is that possible?," he asked thoughtfully, stroking his chin.

I stared at them both in horror until they saw my expression and clamped their mouths closed, and exchanged a worried glance. I reached forward and grabbed both of them by their collars and jerked them down and forward.

"What did you just say?" I said quietly, my eyes intense as I made sure to look at both of them in the eyes.

Leon coughed, his gaze glancing heavenward and Ion scratched his cheek awkwardly. I suddenly wanted to shake them. Instead I released them and took a deep breath, focusing on the crashing waves behind me.

"No matter," I said softly, turning away from them to face the open sea. "I will have my answers soon enough. I fear that there is a madness taking root here in Wonderland."

Two hands wove their fingers through both of own, one man on either side of me in support.

"There is one thing that we can say, Miss Alice," Ion said quietly, turning to gaze at me softly.

Leon turned to look at me as well, and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. "Nothing this round is the same. Wonderland is changing and so are the roles. As characters in a story game, we can only move as we are told or face the consenquences."

Ion reached up to grasp a stray tendril of black hair, his gaze soft as he regarded it. "You may just be the winner and therefore, final chapter of this game."

I looked to him curiously. "What happens when someone wins the game?"

Both of their gazes grew serious. "No one has ever won the game, Alice. That is why our roles remain forever the same and we are trapped in an endless cycle that just repeats itself."

I felt my heart sink. I would never be released if I didn't win this game. One question burned in my mind, however.

I squeezed their hands and leaned closer. "Is this why I remember being here as a child? Am I being reborn, or have I truly never left Wonderland?"

You are not ready for that answer, Alice.

I jerked in response to the voice inside of my head. Nightmare. The twins both flinched as well, though they tried to hide it and I realized they could sense him too. I looked at them quizically but they firmly kept their mouths closed, their eyes pleading not to ask. Instead I focused on Nightmare.

Who are you to me, Nightmare?

An unseen hand grazed over my eyes in a lover's caress and I felt my heart thump insteadily in my chest at the contact. Just who was this man to me, and why were we so familiar with each other?

I only love you Alice, just as everyone else in Wonderland does.

I sighed outloud in frustration and released the twin's hands, stepping away to create some distance between us. I could feel the anger simmering just beneath the surface and I struggled to quell it. Something inside of me was changing, and there was no way to stop it. I would need to learn how to deal with it, and accept it as a new part of myself. It's growing up, I told myself as I began walking away from the beach that had brought me such peace and serenity. I couldn't hide forever. I needed to face what was happening, and needed to learn how to adapt and figure out what was happening.

"Please don't fret, Miss Alice. We love you, and will protect you with everything we've got," Ion said earnestly, bowing at the waist with his hand over his heart.

Leon mimicked the gesture and I couldn't help but smile. The image of the two mischevious little boys flickered in the forefront of my mind, both of them giggling and laughing as we played in meadow near Mushroom Forest.

Suddenly a gunshot rang out, and I whirled around towards the sound. Birds scattered from the treetops nearby where the shot came from, and I immediately though of Cheshire. A fire sparked in my chest, my body bursting into action and I ran faster then I ever imagined towards the sound. The darkness shimmered, waiting at the ready as I searched the forest for the people and the sounds.

I wove through the trees until I came across a puddle of blood and slowed to a stop. Crimson was all I could see as I lifted my gaze and looked around the shadowed area. Blood, blood everywhere. Bodies of the Queen's guards lay in the midst of the bloody pools, their mouths open in silent screams and I felt a chill, the image of my alternate child-self flashing before me. Footsteps brought me from my reverie and I turned to see a cloaked figure. In his gloves grasp, he held a ticking clock and my heart sped up in horror. Glancing down at the dead guard before me, I saw that his chest was flayed open wide to reveal his heart--a slow ticking clock. The blood drained from my face when I realized what it was that Julian did in that Clock Tower.

"Alice!"

Cheshire appeared before me, grabbing me in his arms and shielding my eyes from the carnage before me. However, he was too late and my stomach roiled with the rotting stench of blood and gore.

"Take her away from here," Ace said passively, removing his cloak hood with a bloody glove. "She's in my way."

I could feel Cheshire's anger burn my back, although I could not see. Reaching up, I forced him to remove his hand and I stared across the opening at Ace's cold grey eyes. I took one last glance down at the ticking clock, the sound growing faint and felt my heart swell with compassion. Kneeling down without a thought, I reached inside of the man's cavity and gently cradled that ticking clock and lifted it close to my heart.

The Darkness swirled, seeping out through my skin. Cheshire was forced to step away the shadows swept over me, drenching the rest of what remained of my light in a cloak of darkness. I watched what remained of my blond locks soak up the darkness and my heart calmed. I knew in that moment that I would never be the same 'Alice' that everyone remembered, and that I would survive.

I cradled the ticking clock close to me, protectively. Ignoring both men, I stepped into the bloody field without hesitation and began collecting what was left of the clocks. I was acting upon instinct.

I was covered in blood when I finished collecting, and I held the clocks close to share my warmth. The sound was so soft and dull that it made my heart clench. I needed to get them to Julian as soon as possible. I knew that he would help them, would repair their hearts.

Without a word, I turned and began heading in the direction of the Clock Tower. Ace came up beside with his bloody bag, and reached out to stop me. In the blink of an eye, I surprised myself by moving so quickly to hold him at bay with a strength I never knew I possessed. I met his grey eyes that had slightly widened. No one would take these clocks from me, but Julian.

I released him without a word and continued forward, stroking the clocks softly with my free hand. I began to hum a little diddy to them as we walked, and I began to wonder if I'd truly gone mad.

Julian was standing outside, waiting for Ace's daily delivery and paled when he saw me and what I held. His sapphire eyes met mine in terror, yet I calmly stared back before holding out the clocks to him.

"They have little time left," I said softly, caressing one of them with a fingertip and stepped away to look at Ace with hard eyes. "I think I would like to know what is going on now."

The man said nothing, and only stared me down with stoney eyes. Julian was the opposite, and looked devestated at what I had done. I felt a touch of sympathy and reached out touch his hair, as his hands were full. He lifted his gaze and I could see all the pain he carried. He inclined his head and turned to head inside.

Glancing back to Cheshire, I held out my hand for him and brought him inside. I felt unfeeling as I led him inside, but a part of me wanted him with me when I heard what was to be said. Even though I had welcomed the darkness, and the emotional protection it brought with it, I still felt afraid.

I sat still and listened to Julian's tale of how he became the very first Clock Master and explained his role. It was hard to accept the fact that the people of Wonderland contained clocks instead of hearts, and once their role in the game has come to an end, Ace was sent to collect their hearts so that they could later be reborn, only without their memory of their previous life. Looking to Ace and his demeaner compared to what I could recall when he was just boy from my memories, he had grown unfeeling and disconnected to Wonderland itself. From his role in this game, I could understand why he had grown up as he had.

My heart reached out to the poor boy given an unfortunate life. Frowning, I looked to Julian.

"I don't understand," I said honestly, "how long have you all been around?"

"They have minor roles, "he explained, although he looked pained to say it. "Unlike us, who have main roles, they are merely those in the background and in order for the story to progress, they need to come and go."

I gazed out the window, spotting my reflection, watching as the jewels around my eyes swirled smokey. "Wonderland is not the place I once remember. I'm an Outsider, correct? What does this truly mean?" I asked, turning to face Julian and Cheshire. "Have I actually been able to leave Wonderland and return?"

All three of them, including Ace shared a glance before facing me with stoney expressions. They suddenly looked like people I didn't know and a sense of dread overcame me.

"You're special," Cheshire said quietly, his cat eyes glowing. "There is a story behind your disappearance in Wonderland."

Julian gave him a very pointed look of warning, and I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. I met his eyes and he flinched in response, but remained silent.

"Why am I not allowed to now of my origin here?," I said firmly, staring them both down, "Why are you, the people I trust the most, keeping secrets from me?"

They both lowered their gaze with faces of shame. Ace turned in silence and disappeared out into the evening, closing the door behind him. I didn't spare him a glance, focusing on the two people before me. When I realized that I would not get the answers I wanted, I sighed and rose to my feet.

"I am going out," I murmured as I turned and stepped out in the setting sun without looking back.

Neither of them followed me as I strolled through the Mushroom Forest, trying to arrange my thoughts. Would it just be best to accept that I am here as I am? No one was providing proper answers to my questions and it wasn't as if life was all that terrible. It was a game, I had to remind myself of that. I thought of the carnage earlier that afternoon, the blood and ticking clocks. Those were the lives of people with insignificant roles. I recalled the faces of the so-called insignificant characters, how they filled the streets with laughter and worked in the shops.

"They are not insignificant," I murmured angrily, clenching my hands into fists as I walked along. "They are people, as important as the rest."

Right you be, my precious Alice.

I stopped and gazed up towards the mushroom tops, the sunlight filtering through in streams of gold.

"I'm not sure I understand your role in this, Nightmare," I said dryly and continued onwards.

His chuckle reverbrating in the corners of my mind. His presence lingered with me during my stroll, though he said nothing further. He was just along for the ride, watching Wonderland through my eyes.

"What is the darkness that enveloped me? Why have I changed and what does it mean?" I asked outloud, hoping for this he would give an answer.

He went quiet in my mind, and I first thought he had left me to wonder when he responded honestly.

You are a pure soul Alice, always have been. However, the day you left Wonderland, you were raised in a world that carries many things that are unpure. Life has left you tainted with a darkness that has become a part of you, protects you from feeling emotions too strong for your soul to handle. You created an alternate character of yourself, a version of you that is able to withstand the horrors of the world, a barrier to protect your light.

I thought back to the first time I had met Ace, and how horrified I was. The emotions that I had felt were almost crippling, as it was when Peter White had shot Cheshire. That inner rage was something I could never have produced without the darkness. The darkness was a stronger version of myself, a shield to protect my pure, kind heart of the original 'Alice' that I once was in Wonderland. The darkness was there to help me be the kind of strength that Wonderland needed.

I gave a nod, accepting his answer. "That girl from my dreams is a part of me that I created when I experienced something terrifying, a safe guard. I will accept this as being a part of myself."

He seemed pleased as he flitted about my mind, a psychic energy that made me burn with questions about him, and his role.

"Nightmare, who are you really?" I asked curiously, wanting an answer to the question that haunted my dreams.

Love, I'm no one but a ghostly companion here to guide you.

"You tell nothing but lies, but I shall leave it alone. You shan't tell me anyways," I said sourly and gazed up at the darkening sky, coming to a halt. "I should return to the Tower."

Best be quick about it. There is something amiss this eve.

Heading his warning, I turned and briskly began my jog back towards the Clock Tower. Shadows filled the forest as the sun disappeared behind the horizon and the night came to life, although it was eerily silent. I broke into a run when I saw the exit in sight before a shadowed figure dropped down in front of me, and I gasped.

"Who are you?" I demanded instantly, bracing myself as I eyed the Tower in the distance. I only need to make it a bit further and I would be safe under Julian's protective eye.

The shadow said nothing as it crept silently closer, moving in a strange pattern and I frowned. Was that truly a person? A flash of steel caught the moonlight before a dull thud reached my ears and the figure toppled over. Warmth spattered my face and I stood frozen, the smell of copper filling the air.

Ace appeared from the brush, a silver blade in his hand. He was out working, it seemed. A ray of moonlight filtered down in front of me and illuminated the dead body of the hooded figure. A tick tock sounded, the beating of this stranger's heart until it ticked for the last time and fell silent. Hardening my heart, and quelling my questions, I stepped over the lifeless body without sparing Ace a glance and continued onwards towards the Tower.

Julian was waiting there holding an illuminated lamp, as if knowing I was returning. He frowned at the blood splattered on my face, and flinched when he looked into my eyes. Inside I was screaming to wash it away, to scrub my flesh until I could no longer feel the warmth of the blood, or the sensation of it. I remained calm outside as I stood still while he removed a cloth from his cloak and dabbed at my face in silence.

Poor Julian, I thought as I focused on his face. He always looks so heartbroken when he sees me now. Do I make him unhappy?

His eyes widened in response, and I realized that I had said it out loud and lowered my gaze with embarrassment. He tucked away the handkerchief and gently ruffled my hair with his free hand. That was all I needed for an answer. I stepped around him, and headed inside straight to the bath where I cried and tried to scrub the skin from my bones. By the time I finally felt clean, my skin was raw and dangerously red. The open air stung, but I paid it no mind as I couldn't feel the blood anymore. I dressed carefully and eased myself into my bed, rolling to my side to gaze out the window.

I watched the stars twinkle in the sky, and listened to the soft sounds of the night faeries until exhaustion overtook me, and pulled me down into for once, a dreamless sleep.