Flecks of Sun

Two days later, I awoke. Sometimes if my alarm would sound the signal or my room-mate would holler through my wooden door, « It’s time to wake up. » I would merely let out an audible sigh and wish I could sleep for even a few more minutes, especially if I was having a dream. I always dremt. I dreamt nightmares, noraml dreams, or scenes which would happen in the future ; deja vu. Nearly every week, it was a struggle to wake up because I had been ripped from a dream abruptly and would need a few minutes to orient myself to reality.

This time, waking up was painful, having just had the worst nightmare in ages. It seemed as though i had mentally been detached from my body for weeks. But coming to and seeing the pale blue walls around me and a faint beep of a heart monitor alluded me to the relaity that those nightmares had happened. The screaming, the chaos, the apocalyptic mayhem decsending around me, and the cold – I remember the cold.

But yet I felt oddly whole. I recalled vague details of blood on myself and now there was none.
I had been cleaned up of course, but still something didn’t feel correct.

I strained my ears to pick up any noise. It was silent and the feelings of detachment from myself became a frustarting lonliness. I needed to know what had happened. My fingers fumbled around the bed for the button to call a nurse. Finally angling in into my palm, I pressed the small circle and a steady ding echoed in the otherwise quiet room.

My grandfather was the first through the door.
« She’s awake, » a relieved voice said behind him which showed herself to be Lis.
At the sight of two of my biggest supporters, I broke down crying. The confusion and helplessness that had evaded the silence, broke through upon seeing familiarity.

« Em ! » Lis soothed as she came over my side and stroked my hair.

Another man who I presumed to be the doctor came in with some charts. I realized, i didn’t really know medically what had happened. Had I been shot ? Would I walk again ? The questions seemed so silly when I finally registered my last thought before I had blacked out. I didn’t think i would wake up again and yet I had. This caused me to cry again.

« Perhaps we should do this in a little bit, when she’s more acclimated to her surroundings, » my grandfather suggested to the man.

« No, no, » I found my voice, hoarse but audible. I didn’t want to be alone.
« Okay, » the man agreed and came into full view.

« My name is Doctor Chal. I have been overseeing your care the past couple of days. »

« What happened ? » I asked.

« Do you want to know everything or what happened to yourself ? » Lis piped up beside me, now sitting on my bed.

« Let ‘s start with you, » Doctor Chal suggested.

I tried to focus on his every word but was only catching the big details.
I was okay –relatively speaking. I had suffered a concussion and some bruising but I could go home this evening.

« That’s it ? But I was covered in blood…..I was so cold, I… » my words trailed off. Perhaps in my panic my brain had imagined a delusional scenario.
Doctor Chal stopped speaking before looking to my grandfather who nodded for him to continue.

« Ms. Macon, you will experience stress and presumbly post-traumtic disorder from being in a terrorist attack. You hit your head quite hard and it is important you maintain a leisurely pace for the next week to recuperate. You will have another follow-up next week. In time, it would be wise to enroll in therapy. The blood (he paused) found on was the result of a direct impact with Mr. Brady who was nearby and aiding in other victims. Your actions to prevent the blood loss to Mrs. Mcquire helped save her life until medical care could be delievered to her. In time when she heals, she would like to meet you. »

« But what about Mr. Brady ? »

A long silence.

« Mr. Brady did not survive. »

I paused. I had saved a life but at the cost of someone else.

« Before you assume survivor’s guilt, you should know Mr. Brady had been at the scene helping other people just as you had. From initial police reports, he was trying to move someone into a cafe for shelter when two other gunmen re-appeared. It is unlikely that Mr. Brady saw you or if he had that he was trying to shield you and two other people from the gunman. The former I say because Mr. Brady and the injured victim who is still in the hospital impacted you in such a way that they did not realize your closer proximity. The result of two grown men collapsing on you and you hitting your head, resulted your body to go into my shock. It would explain why you may have felt coldness, stress, and a flight or fight response. Furthermore your ankle is strained but was examined to see if surgery was necessary when it was brough to our attention of your prior injury. It will not be necessary and you need to rest it. The most important thing now, is to recuperate. « 

I took in all of his words. I was quite alright compared to my companions and the gratitude for it was also mixed with guilt.

« How many people…. ? » I trailed off not sure of where I was going with my questioning.

Lis had always been to put forth information on all the current events as it happened. I always perceived her as a news anchorwoman. This time she was quiet and just pressed her fingers into my palm.

It was grandfather who looked at me.

« It was chaos and still is with information. What has been gathered is that it was a multi-staged attack, almost two years to the date of the 2015 attack. There were fifteen gunmen, four of whom used two vehicles to ram people. It was a large assault. Two hundred and sixteen people lost their lives. » The last sentence was so quiet that when I looked in his eyes I saw his tears. « I-we- could have lost you. »

Two hundred and sixteen people.

That was the largest death-toll by far of any European attack in recent years.

My chest felt incredibly heavy.

« Em ? » Lis called to me.

« Yes ? »
« If you’re up for it, someone else was here to see how you are. »
My mind registered her words. When I was laying there, certain I was going to bleed out on the streets, I had thought about death and my life. I hadn’t recalled it then because with the motion, but in the blackness I had been lost in thought.
Dwelling on this, I was suddenly seized by a headache.

The heart monitor picked up the shift.

« Em, are you okay ? »

But I was lost in a reverie.

I had thought about my life, the good and bad as is typical. The more fortunate of ways I had been blessed. The endurances this year had thrust on me in so many ways I had hardly shared with anyone. In all of the flashbacks, it culminated in a pair of eyes. My flashback had taken on the form of the beginning up until what I thought was my end. Though I was overcome with a strong emotion toward him, I was also sobering up. I had so much within myself I had to settle and find. As taken as I was by him and the chemistry, I was sure I could jump into something without rational thinking. Perhaps it was good he had severed some communication. I had moped about wondering when he would pick up, I had joined the rollercoaster that was the past couple of weeks, allowing myself to fall for him more. But did we really know each other ? Could we really commit to something ? I was always jumping before I thought things through. After I had two feet off the ground, I started to think in details which was the problem because I was already floating and then that’s when I decided, I needed to put two feet back on the ground. If I was going to rejoin – whatever is that we had – I had to have one foot on the ground at least. We had met in a moment of time that was unexpected – an interlude which was where I was trying to figure out my job, my life, where I wanted to direct myself next. I wasn ;t sure if balancing a Relationship was going to be so smart. Now I was the one pulling away. But when I saw those eyes in the blackness, they were as colorful as ever in real life. When I had thought about my life, I realized there had been color in that time where I was unconscious, I just wasn ‘t conscious of it until now.
I wasn’t sure if I felt the need to pull away because I needed space or if I was scared again – of what he made me feel.

« I’m okay, I can see him. » I said. I knew he was there.
She nodded in understanding and the door opened.

But instead of his tall frame, messy curls, and green eyes, my father slowly entered the room. His grey-green eyes were downcast and everyone left the room.

I had misjudged that and while I was happy to see him, the sting of disappointment overcame me.

« Hey, » he whispered and came over.
Losing my mom was hard on him. He had wallowed for weeks around our house and despite any relationship he had had since, it never lasted. He couldn’t never forget her. I realized how much more than anyone, my situation must have been on him.

« I’m sorry, I worried you, » I said with a smile.
« Nonsense. You had little control over this. »
« I know you must be thinking about mom. » He hated being in hospitals.
He nodded and I saw how tired he was.
« Dad, if something did happen to me….. I wouldn ’t want you to be sad. You deserve to be happy and I don’t think you’d ever allow yourself to be. »
« I was prepared for a groggy conversation but the philosophy you’re bestowing upon your old man. You sound like my father. »
We both laughed. I was definietly my namesake.

We had a small conversation and he showed me some of the news on the television.
« I think it’s best you stay with grandpa for a few more weeks, to recover, and think about your next step after that. Lis offered to stay, she can take leave from work. I’m also staying at Dad’s until youre better. « 
My dad was never one to be sentimental, he rarely showed it. When my mom passed, I half expected him to grieve in private but the loss was too great for him to even hide.
« I’d like that, » I whispered, feeling overhwelmed by the news and seeing everyone. I was becoming tired again.

Taking a cue, my father said he’d be back later and let me be.
I turned my face toward the window that overlooked part of the city. At least I didn’t have a wall. I wondered what was happening out there, how the city was coping.
I dozed off and started dreaming as usual. There were nightmares again, and the noise. My hand shooting into the air and the fear of someone coming closer again. The fear it was the end.
I looked at my hand in the air and tried to reach it back down. I felt my body twitching and jolted myself awake.
Outside it had darkened and a storm brewed. I shifted myself up onto my elbows and that’s when i saw the shadow of someone in the room. Someone was sitting in the chair sleeping.
My heart soared when I saw the familiar mop of curls cascading down his forehead as he slumbered away.

« Ville, » I whispered. No reaction.
« VILLE, » I whispered louder but my voice was still hoarse.

I thought about earlier, about stepping off the rollercoaster.

« Fuck it, » I mumbled to myself and as he was close enough, I leaned over until my fingers touched his hand and I rested them there. Feeling him made me calm, it made my fear subside.

I would take it slow.