Flecks of Sun

The taxi pulled up to the hotel and my ribs hurt from laughing. We had continued our sarcastic conversation, trying to be wittier with each remark which only caused us to burst out laughing. As I exited the taxi and Ville helped me with the crutches, I forgot where we were and who we were. When I looked up I saw the curious stares. HIM might have been past their hey-day internationally but in Finland they were very much still popular.

Ville held open the door and escorted me through the doors. I would have to change my reservation or better – figure out what to do in Helsinki longer. I did not want to languish in a hotel room. There was a small café next to the three restaurants that the hotel offered, so we decided on that for a light meal. My anxiety started to begin again as the painkillers and long day wore on me.

“Here you go,” Ville said helping me sit. I had really done a number on my ankle as I realized more and more, how immovable I was.

“Thanks- I think the stares are worse than the hospital,” I admitted as I tried to focus on the menu.

“Just ignore it,” he said as he called over the waitress. He ordered a coffee and a roasted vegetable sandwich. I settled on a lemon water and no food.

“You have to eat,” Ville insisted. I was hungry but with everyone watching and my anxiety eating at me, I decided against it.

While we waited for the food, we discussed options always reaching a dead end.

“When is the piece due?” I asked him referring to the tourist piece he was asked to write.
“Two weeks, so I have time but wanted a second opinion. You were perfect as someone who knows Finland but is not Finnish. I wanted a contrast so that I could get a better feedback,” he explained.
“But if they want your opinion- why should you change it because of what another person thinks?” I asked.
“Well- maybe you see it in a different way than I would or discover another option en route,” he said.
“I wish I could help but I think I’ll be bound in a hotel for at least 2-3 days before I can even think about leaving Helsinki. I really need to rest it and I don’t want to leave right away and return to Asia.” I began to mull ideas but figured I would think better on it after sleeping.
“Is there someone that can check on you at least?” Ville asked before thinking himself.
“I can survive-room service,” I said with a laugh.
We were both quiet as the food arrived and he ate.
“Here,” he said handing me a small piece of his sandwich.
I took it and as I ate, my stomach grumbled.

The anxiety I had felt began to make sense. As we neared the end of the meal, I was beginning to think I had no way of seeing Ville again, no reason to. We had such an easy rapport that I looked forward to having another laugh about irrelevant stories.

“I’ll keep your list for a future reference,” I said with a smile and Ville nodded. Our bill arrived and he paid. I protested but he insisted that my water was so expensive only a true celebrity would be able to afford it.

The table was empty and the bill paid. I was tired.

“So,” I said hoisting myself up and ready to crash in the hotel room.
“So,” he repeated and we looked at each other.
“This was a story for the ages,” I said with a laugh and he smirked.

The awkward silence hung between us. “Ville, maybe our paths will cross in the future and if not I wish you a good life.”

He smiled at my words and started to speak, but stopped.

“I hope Emile- that you recover quickly and that number of our manager, if you need anything in Finland or Helsinki, please call,” he said.

“I hope our next meeting is not in a hospital room,” I said with a laugh and went in for the good-bye hug. He hugged back not too tight but it lasted for a few seconds. He was warm and I wanted to linger there for a few more seconds but broke it off, not wanting to act too strange.

We still stood there in silence, neither moving away. I didn’t know what I wanted, I wasn’t seeking something deranged or romantic fantasy, I just wanted to say, “hey let’s grab a coffee” and laugh about whatever struck our fancy. But I didn’t and I took the first step away from him.

He didn’t move as I took a step back and then in a barely audible whisper I said “bye.” He gave a small but hesitant smile and said “good-night,” before he turned around and began the walk to the doors. I caught the elevator lift and I didn’t look back. The whole ride to the eighth floor was an internal damnation of letting go of something easily. I repeated my words to him in my head, “I wish you a good life,” I sounded like a god damn Hallmark greeting card.

When I finally got into my hotel room, I remembered the granola bars I had packed and immediately dashed for the box that was not too far out of reach. My hunger was apparent and I went to town devouring chocolate-chip bars and blueberry crisp 90 calorie snack bars before ordering a glass of wine to my room because I was feeling sorry for myself. My eyes were struggling to stay open.

**
Ville walked out into the darkness, contemplating whether to grab a taxi. The whole day had been a long blur in many ways. It had simply gone by too fast. He didn’t know what to do. He hoped she would call the number just to ask any question. He didn’t know what he wanted, he just wanted to hang out with her again. He called up Mige to dispense his story to someone.
Mige only laughed at his foolishness for not getting a number or inviting himself to be her tour guide.

“Mige- I would not but that is a good idea,” Ville said laughing knowing his friend was joking.
“Will you see her again?” Mige asked becoming accustomed to Ville’s recently amped up dating life.
“I have no idea, I want to,” Ville relished with a laugh thinking about their laughter.
In the past three years, Ville had had two relationships. One for two years which had not worked out but was serious and had ended due to differences and the other with a relatively young woman which was more of an intense thing but again differences so they had called it quits a few months prior.

“You’ve got to enjoy the single life for a while,” Mige said, explaining he thought Ville was a bit restless.

“I am restless, I’m almost forty,” Ville coughed.

“You want babies and the whole lot?” Mige asked half-serious.

“No, well at some point if that happens. I just want someone I get along with, who I have that attraction to. The last two relationships taught me a lot, but it didn’t fit entirely. I know nothing is perfect- but I am restless because I want to find the woman who drives me crazy in a good way,” Ville echoed into the night.

“Drives you crazy? You had two good relationships, the last a fairly young thing. But it never worked out- you always were looking, trying to settle on something but no one fit,” Mige warned.
Ville bit his lip. His last relationship was fairly young woman and it was not for lack of attraction but they were on completely different pages from one another. It had ended amicably.

“How old is this one?” Mige asked.

“I have not quite asked that. But I would assume in the latter half of the twenties,” Ville said musing.

“The twenties! You’re going on forty, please venture into dating a woman closer to your age,” Mige chided.

“I am not having a life crisis, Mige. Sometimes you just have a click with someone.”

“But now this one, makes you restless as well?” Mige repeated himself as Ville was half listening.

“Yes, she does. But in a good way, a very good way,” Ville said as they continued their discussion as he eventually walked the entirety back to his home. Ville had explained she would not be coming to the show and instead Mige had encouraged him to check the hotel two days from now, to see how she was and take it from there.

**

The smell of chocolate aromas woke me up late the following morning. I slowly opened my eyes and made sense of my surroundings.

Granola wrappers scattered the bed and floor; fifteen in all. I sheepishly put the litter in the trash and dragged myself slowly into the bathroom to shower and dress. My foot felt better but I had passed out with my feet dangling over the bed and not propped up.

There were three missed calls on my phone. My heart beat a little faster until I saw the caller id.
Lis, Grandpa, Lis.

I decided to call Lis first, but it went to voicemail so I called my grandfather. I forgot to check in.
He was enthused about everything until I got to the part about falling.

“Who helped you?” he asked.

“Ville Valo, he’s a singer,” I said.

“There’s so many “singers” nowadays,” my grandfather said before asking about the hospital bill and how I was financially.

“I’ve got it taken care of Gramps. I have travel insurance luckily,” I reassured him as he asked tens of questions on my foot and the healing process.

“I think I might stay in Helsinki a week, they want me to follow-up,” I said.
“Can you make cancellations on the other reservations of the trip to make it not a complete loss?” he asked me. We nailed out all the details and cancellation policies before my Grandpa suggested coming to Finland that day.

“Today?” I asked.

“You can rest in France for a week and we can get you back to Asia, or I can accompany you,” he said.

I thought about it. There was nothing holding me to stay in Helsinki for another week and I’d rather spend time with my grandfather then loiter away in a hotel.

“Okay,” I agreed and he booked a flight for that afternoon to come to Finland and we would leave on a red-eye flight as he had a business meeting in the morning in Paris.

I took care to pack my bags and decided to just watch some films until my grandfather arrived.
As I folded my clothes from the day before, the white paper with the number fell out of the pocket and I stared at it, debating. I would have no use for it now and I held it over the trash debating. I tossed it in and went back to the armchair.

Thirty seconds later I was grabbing the paper and putting the phone number into my phone under contacts. My finger hesitated over the call button. I could, just to say good-bye, but I already had.

The afternoon dragged slowly as I became aware that I could be on my way to a HIM show, I could have spent the day exploring parts of Helsinki but rather I had woken up in a blanket of granola wrappers and watched incomprehensible films in a hotel room.

My phone rang and it was my grandfather announcing he had landed. We decided to grab dinner somewhere with a terrace and enjoy Helsinki for a bit before heading back to the airport.

**

Ville got through the set easily enough. The crowd clapped and cheered, some halfway drunk already. He kept expecting to see her face or to have a call waiting for him but it never came.
After they greeted some fans, the band went backstage and made their plans for the evening, Ville increasingly more in thought.

“What is it?” Linde asked before Mige delved into the tale.
“Well go to the hotel then and look her up,” Burton suggested.
“I was going to go in the morning,” Ville explained.
“Go now, say you know she’s been locked up in the hotel all day,” Gas said emerging from behind some chairs in his way.
“Here comes the resident romantic,” Mige said with a laugh. Gas blushed.
“It’s a good idea,” Ville interrupted their banter and grabbed his jacket,
“Really?” Mige called after him as Ville paced to the door.

“Ville, “Mige said grabbing his arm, “this is crazy.”
“I’m not going to marry her Mige. I just have a crazy feeling so I’m following it. At the very least, let’s see where it goes,” Ville said easing his arm out of Mige’s grasp.
“Okay, fine but she better be older than twenty-two,” Mige called after him.

**

Arriving at the hotel almost forty minutes later, Ville practiced what he would say. He would keep it casual but he wanted to know how he would suggest they stay in touch or hang out while she was in Helsinki. He had such a good time with her that he wanted to do it again. At this point, he had no idea what he was doing or really what he would say. He was glad she had a broken ankle as an excuse to check-up on her. It mitigated the creep factor. But she hadn’t called the number as Linde had pointed out so perhaps he was overstepping the boundaries.
But he was already here. “Fuck it,” he said as he strolled through the lobby to reception.

“What can we do for you Sir?” the male attendee asked.
“A guest by the name Emile Macon is registered here. Could you possibly page her or relay my number to her?” Ville asked.
“One moment please, “he responded.
Ville waited patiently gazing around. A few people recognized him, he was sure so he smiled and nodded to be polite. If people respected his space- he respected theirs. He certainly was not respecting Emile’s but any secondhand embarrassment on his actions was overcome by his desire to just speak with her again.

“I’m sorry Sir. The guest has checked out 3 hours ago.”
“Checked out? To a different hotel?” Ville asked.
“I am not privy to that knowledge sir.”

“Shit!” Ville cursed to his astonishment. She was gone quite literally without a trace.