Flecks of Sun

Amidst book shelves and dust splattered on my jeans from picking up various titles from the shelves, it began. The way you looked at me, alerted me and I was surprised by my own butterflies, for there was no other word for it. I could honestly say, I could have looked at you and thought you were handsome but not be drawn to you. I could have been your friend-if- if we hadn’t conversed so easily, began flirting with a shameless rapport and that underneath the surface there was something there. Perhaps there was a lull in our worlds that kismet crossed us at an opportune moment to meet. But as my eyes fell over you, it was not that. I was a person who believed in opportunity and chance but this felt too orchestrated to be random. This felt like it was supposed to happen.
The first butterflies should have been a warning.
-How are you? I noticed you looked tired outside the shop before I came up to you.
--I am okay, there have just been a lot of assignments with work and deciding some things. How have you been?
The conversation was light at first, putting out feelers to see how the conversation would go. Yet it easily turned into the type of ease we had had at the café and hospital. We had had decent yet short phone communication but I could sense, he too, like me put a lot of weight and consideration of a person in how it was face to face. But yet, then it happened. After talking about books and our shared love of literature, asking about friends or the band or family briefly, and talking about Paris and the album; he cut to a quick chase as the afternoon turned into evening.
-Some of my friends are going out tonight. I’m leaving Paris tomorrow. Would you like to come?
I hesitated. Many of my inner rational cells tried to debate where this could lead or if I was over guessing what his intentions were. I was also very tempted regardless of if I saw him again or not to have an evening that did not consist of Lis bemoaning her work rant or wanting to go drink alcohol solely to end up at clubs which was the standard evening among the us as she was definitely the outgoing one. It was fun, but it became tiresome.
--Sure. I need an evening free of Lis.
-Do you want to go to a pub or I suggest something else.
--A pub is fine. Just don’t laugh at my horribly unrefined taste in beer.
-Okay, I shall attempt to not judge you.
We then discussed meeting because that had to be done after he had a quick call to discuss the meeting from earlier with the rest of the band.

We parted ways at the bookshop and Ville said he’d meet me at my grandfather’s but I suggested I just go to his hotel lobby to meet the group there. I hadn’t figured out my plan of not inviting Lis. Ville had said the group was some business colleagues who were laidback but that there might be some work discussion. Lis dreaded constant work discussion and would give me an earful about if he anted to hangout he should not make it remotely related to work. But I understood a bit that with a job like his – how can you completely cut yourself off from those responsibilities. You give your life over to fans, media, constantly pleasing other people but doing something you’re heavily passionate about. I also did not get the feeling that the band let their lives be run by these things either. It was just circumstantial and the fact he even thought to invite me, gave rise to those butterflies. I tried to not my mind be taken with any notion of flirting, I never fell easily. I could naturally be a flirt but most of the time it was harmless. Today my guard was down. We would discuss anything and everything from the politics of the day to the chances of rain. It was easy-going with one another and never ventured into anything more. But I felt that he was coming for me and that I had not foreseen but perhaps I just did not want to admit that. Today, we laughed and fell into jokes, serious topics, opinions, lectures, and found a spark of a friendship. But it wasn’t just that. There was something more between us and I was not pushing it and I didn’t think he was either, it was just happening. For the first time in my romantic life, I was not chasing someone or dwelling on what I might decide to do. It was just happening and I enjoyed just going along with the flow.

To my surprise, Lis was not at my grandfather’s. When I called her mobile it just rang and rang. I was concerned but not entirely. I knew that afternoon she had made plans with some girlfriends she knew and perhaps they decided to get dinner together. I would call her in a bit to make sure. I decided on simple dark denim jeans and a white v-cut tee paired with my faux tan leather jacket. I wore simple slip on ballets and grabbed my purse before heading out. Ville had said it was very casual, but I started to wonder if I underestimated that. It was too late to head back now. By the time I reached the lobby, he was waiting and he headed out to an awaiting cab. It was almost 6 o’clock.

The evening passed in a blur. I was appropriately dressed so that was an immediate relief. Four of his friends accompanied him and we passed the evening learning about one another’s culture. We had taken up some snacks at a pub with a few beers before relocating to a small bistro café for dinner. At the end of the evening, we said our good-byes to the group and Ville and I found ourselves alone together. What an oxymoron. Ville turned to face me after he said good-bye to the last person and he was so close. We were not drunk, but I was definitely feeling the energy of a lightness brought on by three beers. Ville brought his hand to my face and then dropped it.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that…”
I told him it was okay and we looked around, neither of us certain what to suggest but it was only a little after nine pm. I wanted to end the silence. So I started to talk about how Hemingway used to stroll Paris at night in thought about his life and writing. I suggested maybe we could do the same. Ville smiled and we set off down the small sidewalk. We talked about Hemingway and I launched into an informative discussion as he was one of my favorites. We were slowly making it past the awkward silence until we messed it up again.

“If I fall for you, I will never recover, if I fall for you I will never be the same.”
“If one last night is all we are given, let’s live it like we care.”

Our stroll had taken us into the the city center. The air was light and the moon high. It cast a light on everything and in his presence. I felt a part of myself alive that had for so long been dormant. He shared a passion like I did for experiences and living. It was more specific commonalities we shared that I had not found to share with anyone else in a while. We found another pub to try as it began to get cold. Before we ventured inside, he excused himself and said he had to take a smoke but I said it was quite fine to do in my presence. While he smoked, a silence settled between us. A smirk pulls at the edges of my lips. I try to not smirk, I will myself not to, but it’s difficult to suppress. It had long been obvious to myself that we had chemistry but it remained unacted upon. I thought he was good-looking but had never been swayed into initiate anything. However, in gazing at him, the smirk that tugs at my lips is not solely from physical attraction but because what had stirred in my head that afternoon now extends to my heart and I’m at an ease and my guard is down. I want to believe it’s the buzzed feeling but it’s long gone and what remains is a genuine liking that I had not anticipated. The moment scares me because I should not feel like this and yet it feels not like a silly fancy but a genuine connection that exists. We stand on cobblestone streets and the smoke break is ending before we embark into the Scottish pub.

For a fleeting moment our eyes meet but I look away first. I do not want to be the one who is easy to read, especially after the realization that has dawned on me and left me at a loss. He ask if I want a beer knowing I loathe it but there’s not much else option. He suggests we can have a glass of wine somewhere but I tell him this is fine. The beer we try to order is out so we order the bartender’s suggestion. I find it absolutely delicious and mention I will have to order a second one. We take a seat on nearby stools as our drinks balance precariously on a wall’s ledge meant to act as a small counter. We engage in typical conversation. The beer does not make me drunk but takes my nervousness away. I knew normally I would not be nervous but I was, because this was not normal in my book. I had nothing under control in my head or heart and that frightened me and yet I felt a wholeness. The music became louder and we lean in to talk and laughter soon echoes from our mouths. My drink moves caused by the musical reverberations and splashes my lap. You smirk this time and check the damage. It is little. You move my drink back. We have moved in closer to hear each other better. I try to respond to one ear but your head moves as you lend me your other ear. As I pull back your cheek is so close to mine and I daringly rest my face there but a moment.

The noise draws us closer as we try to talk above it. I forget it’s Ville Valo sitting across from me. I want to ask if he wore dark jeans and a black shirt because he knew it would bring out his eyes. I want to ask if it is the alcohol and the fact that he is beautiful if I am feeling this way. I want to ask why he has to leave Paris tomorrow and can we meet again. My head is swimming in mindless questions and I have not noticed that the silence has fallen between us again.

My beer glass is empty and I make a stand to get another order and ask if he wants any but he grabs my glass first. His hand grazes mine and then he pauses and puts my glass back on the ledge. He retakes my hand and holds my fingers gently seeing what I will do. I realize in that moment that you did not set out to do that but it was a natural action and as you begin to pull away I intertwine mine into yours. I know I am breaking myself at this moment, betraying myself and my heart but I am also giving in. My head is a mess and I try not to be logical because my heart is making a demand to be listened to and to feel. As you pull back from saying something, you stop and our lips are so close.

-Are you finished then? Shall we go?
I say yes to both.
The air is welcoming and I suggest we continue along our stroll. It is lit up beautifully outside and the Eiffel hovers in the nearby distance. It would be good to see so I take charge in my direction to head there. But our fingers that had been intertwined become hands. We are oblivious to the people coming and going. As we pass a corner, you pause and stop. I look at you before you grab both hands and then you grab my waist. You tilt your head to kiss me and I am unprepared but I respond. Even if I wanted to deny it, I want to kiss you. You kiss me gently and the attraction between us is strong. I didn’t know kissing someone could be like this, mental and physical compatibility and my heart is pounding in a rhythm that is foreign to me.

I know I am breaking everything all the rules, my morals of not giving myself away so easily, I have become my own hypocrite but I don’t care. I should but I can’t. My head that should be telling me I am vulnerable, exposed, and confused momentarily by my own up and down track with men is quiet. For once it all feels like I am being kissed with a passion I deserve in a sense of a mutual reciprocation of one another. I feel something and I don’t know what it is but right now I can not think. I can not even breathe. Quite literally I am finding it hard to put oxygen into my lungs because I have lost myself in thought and a feverish state of thinking what am I doing and I imagine what we must look like to people who pass by in the night on this crowded street. You ask me in Finnish if I am alright and I somehow understand your question and nod. We laugh. The unending thoughts about you, you say you like me in Finnish and explain to me that it is not in the frank manner but in the manner of the person that I am. That it almost more frank and rare. I can feel your lungs even out your breathing and I try to steady myself. I weigh your words in my head to answer. I feel like a fool inside because it hits me. Against everything, I like you.