I Will Cave, but Never be Consumed

My stomach rolls, threatening to spill it's contents again. Except, there's nothing left. I flop from side to side, arms tucked between my curled knees. Anything for a little reprieve.

My internal thermostat is going crazy. I alternate between sweating and shivering. It feels like someone dumped a bucket of water on my sheets. The dampness seeps into my skin and chills my bones.

Three days. That's how long I've laid in this tiny apartment, praying for it all to end. My head pounds an excruciating tune. Any second, I feel like I'll claw my eyes out. This is unbearable.

My eyes land on my bedside table. It holds my only solace. The only way to end all of this suffering. Another relapse is not an option. I can't handle the looks of disappointment. I refuse to let my friends, my chosen family down again.

I squeeze my eyes shut, blocking out the needle. What I wouldn't give for another fix. I'm cursing myself for placing it there, knowing it's only a temptation. I wanted to prove I was bigger than that, but it's taunting me, calling my name.

I'm so tired, physically and emotionally. My body is broken, pleading for a sweet release. Anything to make the pain stop.

Trembling, my fingers close around the needle. How could this small object ruin my whole life? How could I have let it? When did I turn into this person?

One quick thrust and I could be flying high without a care in the world. I stare at it, hovering over my vein. A sick smile twists my lips. I shut my eyes tightly, ready to be swept away.

My phone vibrates, causing them to snap open. It's lit up, nestled into my pillow. I swallow hard, ignoring it. The sound comes again. I fumble with it, somehow managing to unlock it and pull the group message up.

Soo nervous for Saturday! Knowing all of you will be there makes it a little better! I love you, girlies!

A tear slides down my cheek and drips onto the screen. I sniffle and type a quick reply. It isn't until after I'm finished that I realize I'm still gripping the needle. My knuckles are white. I stare at it for what feels like hours. Then, I sling it as hard as I can.

Tears of joy pour down my face. I grin through them. For the first time in years, I have hope. I will beat this.