Secrets Don't Sleep Till They're Taken to the Grave

He slapped me so hard it made my world spin, and for a split second I was 17 again and it was the first time he ever hit me. I remember how cold his eyes were, I could barely breathe even then yelling scared the hell out of me. He was mad because some guy had given me his number, I’d never seen him mad before and I was scared to death. But just as quick as the angry monster of a man appeared he vanished. I had my boyfriend he held me and begged for forgiveness. He was fucked up and he was getting better now that I was here. I wish I would've walked out, I wish I would've left him for good the first time he had ever laid his hands on me. Here we are five years later he rarely apologizes there's no flowers, no tears it's just pain and shattered promises. I miss the person I fell in love with, this relationship is empty the only I feel for him now is regret. It's not like I could leave, find someone who loved me. No matter where I went he would always drag me back to this house and if I did manage to rid myself of him nobody else cares about me anymore I had no family, no friends I would die alone. I wanted to run away to a warm place with palm trees and a cute boy serving me mango smoothies all day. But I could only focus on that safe warm place for so long before his screaming and his taunts made their way into a safe haven effectively shattering the security. The edges of my beach peeled away revealing a beyond pissed off thirty something who had tossed his life away for a job to keep our heads above water. I think he resented the fact he stayed with me instead of trying to tour the world and make it into the hall of fame. It really was his own fault I would have supported him and then started my own life far away from here. He probably figured that though he was always two steps ahead of me. I had a tactic for every petty jab he took at my shattered self worth and every fist he swung I turned it into one of those 70's comedies with the housewife and the workaholic husband. Every problem could be solved in 30 minutes or less. We weren't really fighting it was just for show and the second the cameras turned we were back to being normal people with normal lives. If you looked past the i kitchen you could see where the stage cut off and the refreshment table was waiting.

I don't remember how I got to the floor or when the sky got so dark. I couldn't even feel anything anymore, all the aches that he caused used to be blinding pain and now I can pop a few Advil and run a marathon. I liked it better this way it was easier to pretend we were a happy family, It was easier to crawl into bed with a man I despised If I couldn't feel a thing. I never really understood what it meant when they say you could built a wall so the words don't hurt. But I think I figured it, except my wall is a world with sunny beaches and smiling boys. But my wall has cracks and tears where his world sneaks in and can crush my wall with a few hits. I don't remember getting to the couch but the sky is a pale blue and the glowing monster clocks reads it's ten minutes to six. He gets up soon, He’ll want bacon and eggs. Truth be told I could barely cook eggs without wanting to vomit. It was something fucked about him eating someone's babies. I know they weren't chickens yet but it didn't change anything. It felt a lot like I was floating these days I barely remember taking a pan, cracking the eggs, turning them into fluffy baby animals and putting them on a plate.
“Josh” I jumped facing towards him. “I’m having some friends over tonight, have the house clean and the food ready.” he leaned over and kissed my cheek, he was always the nicest in the morning. Before the real world got to him and he was the man I crawled into bed with.