‹ Prequel: Deeply Bound

Something Desired

Nice Guys

Here we are you and me. My words on the page as you take them in, digest them and form your opinions. I am surprised and to be quite honest shocked but in another breath am thankful that you have been with me and taken the time to read a cheater's side of a story, my story. I needed to confide in you. I am a liar and an adulteress and don't deserve the life that I have. I admit that. What's the saying, nice guys always finish last? It seems that way. This world seems to be full of liars and the better you are at it, it seems the more successful you become.

Pretend, act and lie. I smile through my teeth to the onlookers, faking my supposed perfect life but I know that you see through it. All of that has gotten me everything that I have wanted, my marriage, my secret lover, my baby and my publishing deal which stemmed from a memoir of lies.

I sit here on the sofa and gaze out the window to see the light, cotton like snowflakes fall from the sky here at my home in Canada. It is weeks before Christmas and the baby is due to be born soon. I feel and look huge. My appointments with the doctor have been good. Everything is on track and they believe that this baby will come right on the scheduled time.

This past weekend my mom threw a baby shower for me. It wasn't a surprise, I knew that she would. With every woman's first born it seems to be the standard. My mom hosted the party at my new home which was great. My new place is large spacious and the bonus is I got to show everyone my new place. It was actually smart also because at the end of the day there was no need to pack up all the gifts into a car. I could just move everything up to the nursery which I was proud to show off to everyone. I invited the girls from work in addition to my mom and sister, Adrianne inviting my high school friends and the family and it was fantastic to be able to catch up with them.

Over the last bit of time I have stayed home for the most part, taking care of myself, modeling the home to my liking, working on my writing and social media. I have been busy but life now is so much more different.

There is no need to be up before the sun rises in order to beat traffic on the way to work. There is no office politics that I need to endure. There are no pointless meetings, the kinds that senior management would have just to waste everyone's time in order to make them feel important. There is no running out of email space because you are receiving fifty a day with huge attachments. No fighting with the shredder and the office printer and no need to have to constantly defend your decisions.

I mean technically my publisher is my boss but the relationship is relaxed, everything is simple, automated. I write a book and the publisher takes care of the rest and the nice thing about my contract, is I am not bound to submit a certain quota of words or anything like that. Howard knows that writing is something that I love and he knows in time I will produce more and all I have had to do is make an appearance at a couple of events and that's it. It's perfect.

The girls from work ask me about my book and how the writing and how the promoting is going and I am honest with them, without throwing it at them that this writing career is a thousand times better than my old job with them.

Josh and I stood our ground in our decision to keep the surprise and we still don't know the sex of our child and that is okay for me because there are so little surprises in life anymore and this is one that can remain one.

The shower gifts are amazing. I received clothing which is mostly in whites' yellows' and greens', neutral colors. I receive toys; supplies, gadgets and my mom got together with my sister and gave me a two in one stroller that has a built in removable car seat

I need to get up off the couch and walk around. Let's head to the kitchen. I need some water. Ice from the fridge dispenser clinks into my glass then I click the button to fill the glass with water, taking a seat at the island. I appreciate all that my family has done for me but to be honest, I have always hated attending baby showers and having my own thrown for me felt a little odd. I know you are thinking about the reasons why I don't like attending them but they are not for the reasons that you are thinking. Yes, I needed the help of Devon to conceive. I was never jealous or felt weird that my friends and other women in my family were having babies while I was struggling with the process and perhaps attending a baby shower was a reminder of my own failures to conceive, that's not why I hated going to them

I always attended but the reason I hated them, was for one thing the organizer always seems to host them on a Sunday afternoon. I always wondered why not Saturday? Showers don't run into the evening they are usually hosted in the late morning and they often run no longer than 4:00pm. At least with it being on a Saturday, people can come and visit and the event won't interfere with any potential evening plans. The other thing is with having it on Sunday just sucks. I mentioned that already. It sucks because your final day off is wasted with going to someone's house and watching a pregnant person unwrap her gifts. I just want Sunday off to relax before the hustle and bustle of a new work week. Well, I don't have a typical work week anymore so I guess that doesn't matter now.

The other thing that I always hated at showers were the stupid games they would make us play like guess how big the stomach is of the soon to be mom, or guess the flavor of baby food or some sort of baby bingo. Yawn, so boring. I put my empty glass on the counter by the sink with the intent to use the glass again later.

Like I mentioned my shower wasn't a surprise and I asked to have some say in the matter. My mom and sister had organized it. I asked it to be simple, a get together of my friends and family and I asked for no stupid games and for it to be on a Saturday because I know that I can't be the only one in this world who hates doing stuff on Sunday. The other thing I asked for the party was I didn't want to be stuck un-wrapping gifts all day with everyone just watching. I wanted it arranged like a wedding, so if people brought gifts they leave them on a table in the reception for the Bride and Groom to open on their own time. That's what I wanted, to visit with my friends and family and socialize instead of just being put to work in un-wrapping gifts.

My mom and sister came through for me and did exactly that and I think that even though this wasn't a typical baby shower, I think for everyone that attended, they enjoyed themselves

I had a catering service come in and they served all kinds of food, snacks and wine we had a gift table arranged at the entrance. Music played throughout the home and I got to catch up with everyone

As a thank you gift for everyone that attended is I had gift bags made that included my favorite scented lotions, lip gloss, eye shadows and in each bag I gave a $100 gift card to be able to purchase books online. I wanted to add touch of me and maybe help my guests get into a great story or just simply discover a love for reading.

The evening comes to an end my mom, sister and friend Hailey stay behind after everyone has left and help me open the gifts, mark the names down of the gift givers and bring the gifts to the nursery and eventually my mom and sister head out with the caterers. I watch Adrianne and mom from my front door, get into my mom's blue sedan, circle around the drive way and watch the sedan's rear lights disappear into the woods, down the driveway that leads to the gates to the road. Not long after their departure it's just Hailey. Josh will be home in the next hour.

She admits to me, "I didn't want to say anything while everyone was here but I am pregnant!"

"Oh, congratulations" I give her a hug and I tear up, all of the estrogen that is going through me right now, I have been even more all over the place with keeping my emotions in check but that's okay because Hailey tears up also. I joke, "Why couldn't you get pregnant earlier so we could have been pregnant together."

She sighs and rolls her eyes, "Oh you know how it goes."

I do, all too well and have struggled to make this pregnancy happen and do things that I am not proud of. Trust me I don't regret doing what I did to get where I am today. What I regret is the lies and deceit that I had to do. It is hard to explain. I love them but wish that my secrets could be more than secrets.

"How far along are you?" I ask while wiping a happy tear from my cheek.

"Just a couple of months, it is still a little too early to announce it to everyone."

"Your secret is safe with me."

We settle in the living area for a few minutes and it's been on her mind. She asks, "So is Devon out of the picture?"

"I haven't seen him in over a month."

"That is good. How do you feel about it?"

I wonder why she asks the question and try to be as honest as possible, "I feel good. I'm focusing on the arrival of the baby." It's a half truth.

"Do you miss him?" She pries.

"I do but I know that the time apart is good." She says nothing and I feel compelled to elaborate, "Devon is a friend first and I miss the friendship. I miss talking to him every day. I miss sharing with him with all of the writing stuff."

She says, "You need to continue to keep the space from him."

"Is it wrong to miss a friend?"

"Jordan it's wrong to have feelings for another man when you are married." She gives me a disapproving glance through her blonde eyelashes.

Hailey knows me too well and I know that she is right. I have to humor her and let her believe that I am taking her advice to heart. I am, well sort of. I never told her anything else about Devon and the possibility of him being the father. Hailey doesn't need to know that or be burdened with that big of a secret. For the safety of this child, that secret will remain with me for as long as I can keep it.

With that I admit to her, "I know but it is what it is and all I can do is keep my distance and the times that I do see him I just need to keep it professional, that's all." There is no need to hash this out over and over again, you the reader have no need to hear it and you know that I live with this struggle. I change the subject, "So did you see any shower gifts that you would want me to pass over to you once mine has out grown the need for them?"

Hailey replies, "You have gotten some pretty cool things. I have kept some of Brittany's baby things so I am good for the most part. But sure once they have outgrown things let me know and I will see if I need more when the time comes." Brittany is her little girl and this would be her second child on the way.

Our conversation is interrupted. Someone is ringing the doorbell vigorously. The only person that I know that does that is Josh. He often does that to announce his arrival and to be a goof and he does that especially when he knows that there is company over.

Hailey taps her hands in her lap as she gets up from the couch and says, "Well that's my queue I guess, that is Josh right?"

I follow her lead and get up from my seat. I say, "I would be surprised if it was someone else. I recognize that ring." We both head to the entrance.

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