Angel of Yesterday

October 12th, 2015

I'd slept on the sand that night, no one came looking for me except Lion, who curled up next to me. I had snuggled up to him, clutching the bubble not to tight, but tight enough. The same thoughts keep running through my brain. This was all my fault. All my fault. I could have helped her. I have such a pathetic useless boy, who can't call himself a crystal gem. The next morning I got up off the sand, my body was covered in it. I barely had any sleep, as I was numb. Numb. That's all. I wanted to cry so bad, but nothing ever came out. I walked, I didn't want to go back to the temple, so I went on top of the hill with the light house. The bubble in my hands. I didn't want to give it up.

I sat down on the edge and watched the waves crash against the rock. That's when I heard Ronaldo. "Yooo!" I looked over and waved a little.

"Oh! Hey Ronaldo."

"Didn't you hear? Mayor Dewey is calling everyone back into the city. We can go home now." He looked at the sky and I looked at him sadly, before looking away at the bubble in my hands.

"Oh! I see … you come up here to brood too?" Ronaldo asked, he was kind of annoying, I just never noticed until now. And what the hell was brood?

"Brood?" I asked him

"Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear." Is that what it meant? It almost fit me to the T. I made a rumbling sound in my throat thinking about it. "As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold, led anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride." Maybe that could explain Garnet acted the way she did. Also, my dad.

"I know! My dad flipped out when I told him." I didn't know why I was telling him this, maybe I just needed to get it off my chest. I kind of hoped he would leave soon though. I wanted to be by myself right now.

"Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is not easy path we've chosen here. There are ... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us." Ronaldo said sternly. There are sacrifices? No, there are people who had no choice in the matter on when they live or when they die. They were not sacrifices. They were innocent casualties. Like Lapis Lazuli. "Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!" I sighed as I watched him run off before watching a wave splash against the rock.

“Everybody told me Gem stuff's dangerous. I guess I didn't believe it until now. Dad always seemed apprehensive. And now he's really freaking out. What do I do? I don't want that for you.” I didn't know what to do, I didn't know this feeling I was having right now. It was all new to me. I hated it. I hated this. I didn't know how I could protect my dad or Connie, if I couldn't even protect my family. I couldn't protect Lapis. My phone started to ring, and I grabbed it and saw it was Connie, before throwing it down. I pushed my knees up to my chest and held them there.

“Everybody tells me life is precious. On the planet Earth, and that means you. And I have to protect you. What if somehow you get hurt? What do I do? I don't want that for you.” The phone started to ring and I wanted to throw it, I hated the ring tone already. “What am I going to tell you? You're better off not knowing the trouble I'm in, I don't want you to worry about what I've just seen, about where I've just been. You don't have to be a part of this. I don't think I want you to be. You don't need this. You don't need me.” She doesn't need me, I was useless. I was so useless. I got up and started to walk down the hill as I was singing to basically myself. I felt like crying, but my body wouldn't let me. My phone kept ringing, before I screamed and threw it over the cliff.

“No! You don't need me! I am not good enough! I have a defective gem, I am not even a gem. If I was, then maybe I could have saved her!” Tears finally started to fall from my face. I looked down at the bubble that was floating, I tapped it and sent it home. Which was just right above my bed. I walked down the hill, and sighed. Pieces of the gem ship was everywhere, scattered, the fires were out which was a good thing.

My feet hit sand and I felt the heat rise through the soles of my thongs. It felt nice to be honest. Wiping my tears, wincing as I pushed down on my black eye for a split second. It was going to be really tender for a while. My hands in my pockets I walked back to the temple, head hung low, as I walked up the steps of the house. What were they doing? Were they, waiting for me? I didn't see them on the beach. I pushed the door open, and the gems were not there. Did they go on a mission already? Did they not give a crap about me?

Of course they didn't, they didn't give a damn because I was the one who took mom away from them. If I wasn't born, this would have never happened. Lapis Lazuli would still be here. Mom would still be here. Everybody would be happy. Tears wanted to spill again, but I wouldn't let them. It was pointless to cry. I didn't need anyone seeing me cry in the first place.

October 14th, 2015

Two days after the crash of the hand-ship and two days after Lapis Lazuli was crushed under the wreckage. Two days, I kept my feelings within me, trying hard not to show them off to anyway. I didn't need to feel anyway sympathy, it didn't seem like they cared anyway. The debris was mostly cleared away, some pieces were still here and there. Beach City went back to normal quickly like usual. Connie, she came over today after school, to come see me. I ignored her. If she was around, I might break down in front of her, I might be a baby. Babies, they couldn't save the ones they love. I couldn't save the ones I love.

So, I avoided her at all cost. She wasn't too happy about it. Nor were the gems, I think they expect something is wrong with me. They didn't try to ask questions. Of course they didn't. Do you know why? Because I was just a useless little boy to them. Shaking my head, I went over to the front door to go take a walk. “Steven, where are you going?” Pearl asked, she was in the kitchen cooking up lunch. I turned around and gave her a fake smile.

“I am going to go take a walk, maybe go visit the Big Doughnut.” I shrugged and waited for Pearl's response, she narrowed her eyes slightly.

“Are you still upset about Lapis?” She asked me, and my heart felt like it was yanked out of my chest with no mercy. The smile on my face faltered just a bit. I shook my head.

“I am totally fine. It was an accident, and I had no way to save her.” I shrugged, I tried to put emotion in my voice, but from the look on her face, I knew she didn't believe me. Well, not all the way anyway. “Well, I'll be back.” I waved and walked out of the house, my smiled dropped the moment I was away from Pearl. I knew I had a way to save her. I could have. Shaking the thought out of my head, I had my hands in my pockets and walked to the doughnut shop. When I got there, Lars and Sadie were fighting like usual. However, the conversation was slightly weird.

“Lars, listen to me,” Sadie pleaded with Lars, as he stopped on his way to the back room. I walked into the shop, and the bell rang above my head. Lars and Sadie apparently, did not notice that I was there. “Let me, look at your arms. Did you do it again?” Her voice was full of so much emotion which made me cringe.

“It doesn't matter, Sadie. It's done an over with. What I do, is my business.” I was startled to hear Lars sounding like he was going to cry. I sat down at one of the tables in there, with my hands in my lap. Sadie grabbed Lars hand and squeezed it, I noticed tears were in her eyes.

“Lars, please, I know you are depressed. However, cutting isn't the answer. Harming yourself is never the answer.” What was depressed? And what was cutting? I sat there taking small glances at the two, as I thought. “I don't want to lose you, you are my player number one.” Lars looked down at Sadie, tears were brimming his eyes, as he lifted up his sleeve, to show Sadie, my eyes widened as I looked at the cuts that were on his arm. Was that what it was to cut? Didn't make the pain go away? Lars, he looked like he was in pain, maybe that helped. “Oh Lars.” Sadie shook her head and looked away, Lars pulled down his sleeve and walked into the back room.

I stood up and walked over to the counter, ringing the bell. Sadie jumped, wiped her eyes, and looked over to see me. She was surprised, I could tell. “Steven, how long have you been standing there?” Should I lie? Or tell the truth.

“I have been here since the beginning of you two's fight.” I mumbled and looked down shrugging. I looked back up to see her behind the counter. “What is depressed?” I wanted to know, I was curious. I also wanted to know what was cutting, but I think I figured that out on my own already.

Her face was mixed with emotion, I didn't know if she wanted to tell me, or tell me that I was too young to know, like a lot of people did to me. “It's when someone is sad, Steven. They become unable to function properly, they don't want to do certain activities, being around friends or family. Some want to do harm to themselves.” I nodded along, some of it made sense, and some of it didn't to me. Maybe I was depressed? That's why I am sad. That seems logical. “Now, what happened to your eye?”

“Ah, my eye. I was punched in the face by a giant space gem.” I shrugged. “Can I have two chocolate donuts with sprinkles please?” Sadie nodded, and handed me the donuts as I paid for them. “Thank you, tell Lars, I said to get well soon.” I waved and she waved back, walking out of the shop, I had run into Amethyst.

“Hey Steven! Just the man I was looking for.” She looked down and grabbed my bag, I was going to protest, but she had already consumed my donuts. I sighed. I wanted to eat those. “I need help cleaning up! Garnet, is away, and Pearl is in her room. She told me I had to start cleaning the beach.” I sighed and nodded. We walked which was silent, until Amethyst, turned to me. “That's not why I came to you.”

I was taken back by this sudden turns of events. “Then what was it?” I asked her a little suspicious now. Amethyst stopped and shifted from foot to foot. She was shifting her weight, a lot. Running her hand through long white hair.

“Well, we are worried for you, Steven. Ever since you, I mean … ugh … ever since we couldn't save Lapis, you've been like this.” Amethyst said before she kicked at the sand striking her foot on a metal piece of wreckage she sighed and picked it up. I narrowed my eyes, of course. She was blaming me.

“Ever since, I couldn't save Lapis, huh? That's what you were going to say? Do you blame me for mom's death too?” I asked her, and her face was a look of horror when I asked. Then, it went to grieve. “How much do you miss mom, Amethyst?”

“I don't … blame you for Rose's death … Steven, where is this all coming from? I miss Rose a lot, but I don't blame you, lil'man.” Amethyst seemed to drag out her words carefully, her fists were clenched, and she looked like she was trying hard not to cry.

“Are you lying to me?” It came out more of a question then statement. Amethyst bit her lip, before shaking her head, and walking away from me. I watched her walk before she started to run and then jump into the air disappearing. I growled in frustration, as I walked back to the temple. When I got there, I felt drained and tired, like I really didn't want to do anything.

“Good evening, Steven.” It was Garnet, she was siting on the couch. I looked at her, and nodded, before going up to my room. “Is everything okay?” I nodded again, I didn't know if she saw me or not, but whatever. “Are you going to talk to me?”

“Yes, Garnet. I am going to talk to you. Why are you being so pushy lately?” I snapped. Garnet had a taken back look, and I regretted what I just did. “I'm sorry, Garnet. Yes, I will talk to you. Everything is okay. I'm fine, I'm just tired, is all.” I responded more softly then.

“Steven, you can talk to me. I am sorry, we couldn't save, Lapis. It was her fate to go down like that. She lived a long and steady life. She had to go one point or another. All of us do.” I slumped down on my bed, I didn't feel like arguing with her. Why was she saying this to me? However, Lapis didn't. Lapis didn't live a long and steady life. She barely lived at all.

I laid there as tears brimmed my eyes, I shook my head and wiped them away. “She didn't. She lived in the mirror since the first Gem War, Garnet. She never got to see the world we live it. Lapis Lazuli, she was afraid when I let her out. She wanted to go home. When her dream came true, it was snatched away from her. Snatched away, the moment she had freedom. Just like how mom was snatched away from you.” It was quiet in the temple, I got up and looked down, Garnet was on the warp pad and left. Did something come up? I sighed and took my thongs off and slipped under the covers. I wanted to sleep for days on end. That's all.

“Steven … Steven … Can you hear me?” That voice. Who did that voice belong to? “Steven … open your eyes.” I did, it felt like they were nailed shut though. As I opened them and blinked a couple of times, there was a blue shadow lighting up the black space that surrounded us. What was going on? “Why couldn't you save me?” That voice sounded louder and more familiar.

“Lapis?...” I was so unsure, looking around I was floating in mid air. The scenery changed to when Lapis and I were up in space on the big log of ocean water. Looking down, I was back in that bubble. The blue figure started to change into more of a solid shape. She turned around and it was indeed Lapis. “What … where am I?”

“I was waiting for you … “ Her eyes were milky white just like before I healed her gem. “You never came back like you said, Steven. You lied. You never kept your promise. Now, I'm dead. It's all your fault.” Her all body started to shake violently as my eyes were wide, and my heart was beating fast. She opened her mouth and a blood churning scream escaped her mouth. It opened wide like an old horror movie monster, and consumed her whole body. The scene changed once again, to the strawberry field, I was in the feral position.

“Steven, sweetie, are you okay?” That was music to my ears, I got up slowly and looked around nothing was there. “Steven, hey, Steven.” A hand touched me and I jumped high in the sky, before I woke up in bed, the covers were on the floor and I was drenched in sweat. My heart was rapidly beating inside my chest, as I was trying to see where I was. I was back in my room, at the temple. Pearl, was there at the end of my bed, her eyes wide with what looked like worry on her face.

I clenched my chest, and took a deep breath, it was a nightmare. Just a nightmare. It seemed so real. What if she was waiting for me to come back? What if she waited until she realized it was too late, and the last thought that went through her mind was, he had forgotten me. I ignored Pearl, as I dragged my legs to my chest and cried. I ignored her as she tried to comfort me, poorly. I ignored her as she tried to ask me what I dreamed about. I ignored her, when she said everything was going to be okay. I ignored her because nothing was going to be okay. Nothing ever was going to be okay again. I could have helped her, and I didn't. I am no Crystal Gem.

When she gave up on trying to comfort me, she went and stood up. I grabbed her wrist, and looked up at the tall woman. “It's my fault, isn't it? Everything is my fault. We wouldn't have been on that ship, if mom was here, and not me. If mom was here, Lapis wouldn't have died. You all wouldn't hate me, either.”

“Steven … “ Pearl stopped before biting her lip, confirming what I was thinking. “We … I …”

“Save it, you are like the others. You all hate me.” I let go of her wrist, she stood there before she walked away. They all blamed me for Lapis' and mom's death. I know they did.