Angel of Yesterday

November 9th 2015

35 days left

"So, I am not fine." Is how I started the conversation to a complete stranger that I had just met. I waited for the guy to talk or do something, but he just sat there, and moved his hand in a circular motion for me to go on. So, I told him everything that happened, and all my feelings that I have felt over the course. He sat there quiet nodding along with everything I was saying. I ended it with the fight that Ruby and Sapphire had. "So there you have it. I don't know what to do. They won't listen to me. Pearl hates me. No she resents me because I took my mom away from her. And I could have saved Lapis, we had time, but I didn't go back." Tears were starting to fall from my face once again. Matt stood up grabbing a handkerchief and handed it to me.

"I knew Lapis. I knew her for a brief time. It's a great grief to know she ended like that. Steven, you seem to be going through a lot. See we are all born pure, like blank canvases. However, at some point during our childhood development, we learn that some things don't come out as we plan them too. Like you didn't plan on your friend Connie getting hurt, but it was meant to happen. The moment we eat from this tree of knowledge, our shadows are born and we begin to divide ourselves." Matt spoke softly as he was trying to give me advice that I barely understood, but it seemed like it was helpful at the most. "You just need to try to talk to your family. Tell them how you are feeling. If they don't understand, try breaking it down, for them to understand."

I nodded and folded my hands in my lap. "So, I should try talking to them about how I feel. Break it down for them to understand. What if when I do break it down, they still don't understand me?" Matt thought about the question before answering.

"The truth is that we have both hands, not just one, and we must learn to use them in a balanced way if we seek to live a balanced life. You need to accept the fact that they might never understand what you are going through, Steven, because you are half gem and half human. You have human feelings that the gems won't understand. To overcome what you are feeling, you must overcome the fact that the gems might not be able to help you with what you are feeling. Find someway to balance your feelings. Like mediating, never hurt yourself. Hurting yourself, creates for pain, your mind doesn't understand what you are doing to your body. Hurting yourself doesn't solve anything. Find inner peace with yourself and you'll fine peace everywhere else." I sat there trying to take in all of this when I heard a voice calling my name.

I saw Garnet standing a little ways, we locked eyes before I waved at her. A look of relief washed over her face as she ran over. She picked me up and hugged me close to her chest. "Do not ever do that again, Steven, you had us scared to death." She held the back of my head as we hugged.

"Garnet, have you met my new friend, Matt Tourmaline? He said he was part of the Crystal Gems back in the first Gem War." I said cheerfully, turning my body still in her arms. My smile disappeared as Matt wasn't there, nor was any sign of a camp being there.

"Steven, who are you talking about? You were talking to yourself when I came here." No … that's impossible. I was just talking to somebody right here. What happened? "Did you fall when you were running?" I shook my head, shocked and scared. Who the hell, was I talking to then?

"No … no … there was this huge blue gem. Male too. With pink cotton candy hair. He was only an inch shorter than you, Garnet. He was just here when I waved to you." I was describing him as Garnet was walking through the woods with me in her arms. I was getting so frustrated.

We got to the clearing of the forest, before heading out, Garnet put me down getting to my level. “Steven, all gems are genderless, but none of them go by male pronouns or look like makes at all. You were just talking to yourself when I found you.” I ignored her talking as I saw Matt again, waving at me right behind Garnet. I smiled and waved back, before Garnet looked behind her. She looked back at me. “What are you waving at?” I looked back at the spot and Matt was gone again. I opened my mouth before closing it and sighing.

“Nothing. I was waving at nothing.” Maybe I should keep these things to myself. Everything will be okay, if I just keep my mouth shut. “Can I have a mandatory group meeting when we get home? Including dad? I have things to discuss.” Garnet nodded, and ruffled my hair. “Alright thank you.”

Garnet stood up to her full height. “And Steven, I am sorry for how Ruby and Sapphire acted.” I just nodded and grabbed her hand walking out of the clearing where we were met by my dad. He grabbed me up in my arms and hugged me, his hot tears shed on my shoulder. I was never going to run away again.

November 10th, 2015

34 days left

I waited until the next day to hold the meeting as Dad and I were tired from the trip. Garnet and Pearl still weren't talking to each other as they all sat down on the couch. Pearl was on Amethyst's lap, and Garnet was on the other side of the couch staying away from them as much as possible. My dad was uncomfortably in between the three. I stood on the other side of the coffee table and cleared my throat to get their attention. “T-Thank you for all coming to this get-together … I want to discuss some feelings that I have been having …” my palms were sweaty and I was really nervous. My throat was feeling like it was closing as well. I was almost forgetting what I was going to tell them.

The room was quiet as they all stared at me. I took a deep breath and continued what I was saying. “I must say that I haven't been that great of a son, or that great of a family member that is because I have been trying to fight the demons within me. What I am trying to say is that I am part human, I got through emotions that gems normally don't feel.” Tears were starting to well up in my eyes. “I mean, yes, gems do feel pain, and sadness. They do cry, and they do have to go through with things, but I mean, if you can tell, I haven't been eating too well at all.” I lifted up my shirt, to show the scar that was forming on my side, but you could also see I wasn't as chubby as I used to be. “When you go on missions, I take the time to try to cover up the pain I am feeling with more pain.” I unzipped my pants and pulled them down, leaving me in my boxers. They gasped at the scars and the cuts that covered my legs. “That's why I have a limp.”

“Steven …” Pearl was the first one to speak, but I held up a finger for her to be silent. I pulled my pants up and wiped the tears away from my eyes.

“This might sound crazy, but I feel like the feelings that I had for Lapis, they were more than what I normally feel for friends. She was more to me than meets the eye. And not going back to save her, torn me up. It ripped my heart in half. I felt like I was worthless, I felt like I was not worthy to be part of the famous Crystal Gems. I tried going for help, from my dad. I listened and went to talk to you all. However, things didn't work out. I came back to find out that I was just a resentment in all your eyes. I took away my mother, and that hurt you all so much. Especially, Pearl. I know Pearl, I know that you are still trying to get over the fact that I took Rose away. I know I can never be her, but I am willing to try the hardest I can.”

The looks on all their faces were all different. My dad's face seemed to be holding back tears as he listened to me talk. A look that he had no idea what I was going through and he thought I was the happiest person on earth. Pearl's face was filled with regret and shame, before she buried it in Amethyst's shoulder. Amethyst's eyes were locked on my legs with a look of knowing. A look like she has been through the same pain. Garnet's face was unreadable. I could never figure out what she was thinking. “We had no idea, you were going through all this, Steven …” My dad tried to say and I held up my hand cutting him off.

“You all say that, but you saw how I was crying out for help. I told you multiple of times. You have been seeing the way I have been acting. Garnet saw the cuts on my legs the first time. I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to end everything. I tried and that's how I got the scar on my side. I felt more like failure than ever when I didn't succeed then again when Connie got hurt on Halloween. It was all my fault. Lapis' death was my fault, and I feel like Pearl and Garnet fighting was my fault as well. I just want you two to talk it out. Be family, be friends again.”

I saw Pearl look at Garnet over my dad, her face was full of tears. “Garnet ... I'm sorry!” She says. “Things weren't supposed to turn out this way.” Garnet stayed quiet not even looking at Pearl, who sighed and wiped her tears away. “I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did ... I wanted to prove to you that ... that everything could go back to normal ... I didn't mean to make Steven feel like it was all his fault because we were fighting like this.”

Garnet finally looks back at Pearl, her visors were back on her face. “Catching Peridot won't make things go back too normal. This isn't about Peridot. And I'm sorry Steven, no offense, but this isn't about Steven either.” I shrugged.

My dad got up and walked over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder, as Pearl sat in the middle of the two other gems, her hand was squeezing Amethyst's. “Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me!?” Garnet's expression changed to anger.

“You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!” Her voice was raising making Pearl shake against Amethyst as she wrapped her arms around her.

“I'm sorry! I ... I couldn't help myself!” She cried out, my dad whispered something in my ear something about 'I shouldn't be hearing this. I am going to sit outside.' He stood up and walked out of the door.

“I don't want to hear your excuses! All you ever give me is excuses, Pearl. Nothing is going to change. You used me. You tricked me. You know how I feel about fusions. I felt so naked, exposed. Just because you were feeling selfish.”

“But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you ... I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. I need someone to tell me what to do ... When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship, you're always together, I just ... I wanted to be a part of that.”

“You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think! I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. I … came … undone …” Tears were in Garnet's eyes as she continued to talk. “It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too. However, I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. You have an impact too. There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your own gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So, I can trust you again.”

“... I understand. I can't give up anymore!” Pearl said, and hugged Garnet, who hugged her back tightly. Amethyst looked away a hint of jealously on her face. Pearl pulled away from Garnet, and pulled Amethyst into her kissing her lips deeply. I looked away my cheeks heated up.

“Steven, take advantaged of the advice that was given here. It might help you a lot.” Garnet said who smiled at me and I nodded, I walked over to the front door and opened it stepping outside.

“Are they done talking in there?” asked my dad that was leaning against the railing. I nodded my head and leaned against it with him. “If you just come talk to me more, Steven, I would have helped you with so many things you were going through.”

“I know … but some things I just can't express well and I am –“ My head shot to the side as I saw something in my perceptual vision. Something blue, I saw a wave behind a rock, and bit of a blue laugh. I also heard a giggle that sounded so familiar to me. I stop mid sentence on what I was going to say. I ran down the stairs and across the beach, hearing my dad call my name, I didn't turn back. I kept running until I turned the corner. Lapis Lazuli was standing right in front of me giggling.