A Place of Hope and No Pain

Matt's POV

Me and the toilet were becoming really good friends, and as I leant over it again I couldn't help but laugh sarcastically, yep me and the toilet were pretty close.

I felt terrible and I just couldn't stop throwing up. I was worried that my stomach was going to come up soon, I was at the point now where I was heaving and nothing was coming up.

I kind of wanted a drink and I kind of wanted to die, so I laid down on the tiles, closing my eye's, trying to ignore the sick feeling, the shaking and the heaving.

I was trying not to think about anything, but I heard Chloe talking to someone and I felt a wave of anger overcome me. Who the fuck was she talking to? Was she discussing me? Who did she think she fucking was?

I groaned. Where had that anger come from? I wasn't sure, but it scared me a little. I wasn't the angry type.

I was sure Chloe wasn't talking secretly about me. Why would she? But still, a little voice in my head reassured me that she was, she was talking about me and laughing.

I put my hand over my eye's, laying on the tiles, trying to quieten the voice. I wasn't sure how long I was there before there was a soft knock on the door and Chloe walked in, smiling.

The fucking bitch.

She asked me how I was. I mean how did she expect I was? What a stupid question, but I did appreciate the wet washcloth she put on my forehead. It felt so great.

She insisted I drink some water. I didn't want to, my stomach didn't want anything, but I drank a little in the hopes that she would fuck off and leave me in peace again.

No such luck. She got comfortable on the floor and then she asked me the question that I knew was coming. What led me to this point in my life.

I sighed, trying to get comfortable. Every part of my body was hurting and I wanted to be left alone, not talk about my life.

What led me here? A lifetime of dumb choices? My 'It won't happen to me' attitude? Being young and fucking dumb?

How about all of the above and so much more.

"I don't know." I mumbled, pressing the washcloth to my forehead, swallowing my spit that was pooling in my mouth. "We started young."

"What?" Chloe asked. "You started drinking young?"

"Yeah and the band." I muttered. "We started the band young."

"Okay." She said softly, the sound of her voice grating on my nerves.

"Yeah you know, we started doing shows." I mumbled. "A lot of show's, show's that were pretty far apart. We'd finish one show, party for a bit, then get in the van and drive twenty hours to the next show."

"It sounds exhausting."

"Huh?" I mumbled, looking at her. "No, it was some of the best time's of my life, honestly."

Chloe smiled. "How?"

I frowned. What did she mean how? "I got to do it with my friends."

"That's true." She said softly.

She was judging me, I knew it. Who the fuck was she to judge me? Her life was a bigger fuck up than mine.

"Anyway, after show's we'd drink, then we'd travel." I mumbled, ignoring her. "Someone would always stick a drink in my hand or tell me to take this if I was tired, and I did, I drank it and I took it, we all did basically."

"Sounds fun."

I wished she'd just shut the fuck up. "Do you want me to tell this story?" I snapped, glaring at her.

"Sorry."

"Anyway, that's what we did. Toured and got smashed." I went on. "We were young and we thought we were fucking great. We had fan's who worshipped us, girl's throwing themselves at us, yep, we were fucking great. Just ask us, we would have told you how fucking great we were, because yeah, we were pretty full of ourselves too."

"You were young is all." Chloe said softly and she had a point, we were young, but we got older and nothing really changed.

"Yeah I guess." I muttered, sitting up.

The water I drank wanted to make a reappearance and I leant over the toilet, throwing up the little bit I'd managed to drink.

I wiped my face and laid back down, putting the washcloth over my eye's.

"Lucy was there for the whole thing." I mumbled, swallowing.

"So you've been together a long time?" Chloe asked and I could hear her changing position.

"Fuck yes we have." I snapped. "And she was drinking right along side of me." And she was, and that thought pissed me off even more. "She was always there, as drunk as me, partying with me, but suddenly she got high and mighty."

"When did you get married?" Chloe asked me, grabbing the washcloth off my face and wetting it again, before placing it back on my forehead.

"About five years ago." I snapped. "Five long fucking years of her nagging me to fucking death."

God, I could still hear her whiny voice, constantly fucking whining.

"Actually." I muttered, sitting up. "I think we've been married for around seven years." Sitting up was a bad idea, it made me feel worse, so I laid straight back down. "Fuck, I can't even remember how long I've been married for."

"Doesn't matter." Chloe said softly.

But it did matter. What kind of a husband was I?

"Yeah it has to be seven because not long after we got married Jimmy died."

"Jimmy?" Chloe asked.

I groaned. I really didn't want to talk about Jimmy. I hated talking about it and I'd kind of numbed myself to the fact that he was dead.

"Yeah he was our drummer." I whispered, swallowing.

"I see."

"No he wasn't." I whispered and I felt myself begin to cry. "He was our best friend."

Chloe didn't reply, she just let me cry and it felt good. I couldn't remember the last time I'd thought about Jimmy and cried.

"My drinking got worse after that." I eventually said. "After Jimmy, I drank all the time."

"It must have been hard." Chloe said softly and she had no idea how hard it was to lose your best friend, no idea whatsoever.

"Anyway, Lucy wanted kids." I went on, ignoring Chloe. "Hell I wanted kids, I needed to kids, I knew it would help, so we had the two boys and fuck I was happy, for the first time in a long time I was truly happy."

My boy's were my life and once more, as I laid here, I reminded myself I was doing this for them.

I sat up again. I was sick of this conversation and I wanted it to end. Now. "Anyway, Lucy got all high and mighty about my drinking." I explained. "I mean she's the one who fucking bought me the alcohol. Do you know how many times I'd come home to a full bottle of Jack waiting on the counter?"

And I did. Lucy always got me something to drink. So why was drinking suddenly a problem? It was something I just couldn't understand.

"Fuck her." I muttered, getting to my feet. "I'm doing this for my kids anyway, not Lucy."

"I thought you were doing this for your whole family?" Chloe asked softly as I opened the bathroom door.

"Yeah I don't know." I snapped, slamming it in her face.

Right now I didn't know anything, oh well, except for the fact that I needed a drink and I needed it badly.