To Sweden With Love

Derick’s birthday is in a couple days and I haven't even began to think about what to get him. I've just been so beside myself for the last few weeks that I put it off. I’m not even sure what to get him.

Surely enough, he'll like whatever I get him. But that's not the point.

We've spent the last week or so traveling back and forth to Toronto to see the World Cup games. So it's been nice to doing something rather than sulk.

I've spent the last day or two searching for the perfect gift for Derick. In and out of stores… up and down aisles… still couldn't find anything.

I don't know what he could want.

Maybe Carl can help me think of something.

I know you're probably busy but call me when you get a free moment

Within a few minutes, my phone rang.

“Hey…” I answered.

“Hey El, what's up?”

“I need help. Derick's birthday is Thursday and I have been so beside myself trying to find him something. And I just don't know.” I said quickly.

“Ellie, slow down. You're talking as fast as I skate and I can't keep up. You can't find anything for Derick?”

“His birthday is in two days… and I haven't thought about what to get him. I've been in and out of so many stores… I’m stressing myself out. I’m about to have a panic attack.”

“El, there's nothing to stress about. You're gonna find him something.”

“And then there's whether he's gonna like it…”

“Stop. Please, he’d like anything you'd get him. You could get him a rock from your driveway and he'd love it.”

“That's not helping, Carl.” I let out a loud sigh.

“Did you ask him what he wanted?”

“Well no… but I want it to be a surprise. I know I'm making this harder than I need to.”

“El, just go into Macy’s or something and get him a tie or socks or something. I don't know. You're his fiancée. You'll think of something. I gotta go. I'll call you later.”

I sighed again. “Okay. Thanks.”

After I hung up, I walked out of the mall. I’m gonna have an anxiety attack if I keep looking.

But if I don't keep looking, he's not going to get anything from me.

Ugh.

I walked through the mall down to Hudson’s. I took a deep breath before entering.

I went over to the men's department and began browsing.

As I was looking, an associate approached me to see if I needed any help. Of course, I said I was just looking.

After a few minutes of browsing, my heart began to race. Oh no.

‘Ellie, don't start thinking about that. Not here. Not now.’

I rushed to find the woman who tried assisting me a moment ago.

I had a lump in my throat. “Excuse me… um I do need some help.”

My eyes started to well with tears.

“Oh honey, who is it you're trying to buy for?” The woman asked me.

“My fiancé.”

“And the occasion?”

“His birthday… it's Thursday.”

“Did he give you any suggestions on what to get him?”

“No. I didn't ask him what he wanted. I wanted to surprise him with something.”

“Well, what does he do for a living? Maybe you could get him something to wear for work.”

“He's a professional hockey player,” I chuckled. “So he's always dressing nice to go to games.”

“Maybe a tie?” She suggested.

I let out a small laugh. “My friend, well one of his best friends, actually suggested that too.”

“If he's always wearing ties, you can't go wrong with this gift idea then. Maybe get his favorite color or your favorite color. I don't know. Take a look. If you need anything else, I'll be at the register.”

I thanked her as she walked away.

‘Ellie, what made you think I'd want this? Are you crazy?’

No, no. Stop it. Get out of my head.

My hands were shaking as I sorted through the ties.

We have the same favorite color and he already has so many ties that are blue so… maybe a different color.

A red one would seem too cliche… there's no thought in that one.

Carl suggested a tie too… maybe go black and gold?

‘Ellie, this is so stupid. Why would you get me this?’

I threw the ties I had in my hands down and rushed out of the store.

I sat down on the bench outside the store and sobbed.

I need to stop trying to tell myself that I’m fine. I’m not fine. I'm not even close to being fine.

After I calmed myself down, I found my way back to the car and drove home.

Derick greeted me when I walked in the front door.

“Did you get anything nice?”

“I didn't get anything actually.” I brushed passed him.

“You feeling okay? You went shopping and didn't buy anything? What'd you do to Ellie?!” He joked.

“I don't know. I'm gonna take a nap.”

----

A couple hours later, I was feeling a bit better. But I figured I should probably tell Derick what happened.

“Der, I didn’t mean to brush you off like that.”

“You were tired, it's okay.” He said as he was watching some highlights.

“That’s not the whole reason.”

I had his full attention.

“I was trying to shop for your birthday and had a panic attack.”

He snorted.

“Derick, this isn't funny.”

“I'm sorry, you're right. But you don't need to get me anything.”

“That's the thing. I want to get you something. But I kept hearing his voice in my head…”

“Ellie, you don't need to get me anything. I have everything I need right here.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

“Are you sure? I want to get you something.”

“I mean… I could ask for my fun loving Ellie bear back.”

I gave him a small smile. “I’m trying. It's just hard.”

“It’ll get better. I promise.”

He went back to watching his World Cup highlights and I went outside with Blades.

My phone started to ring. I looked to see who it was… My mother?

“Hello?” I answered.

“Oh Ellie. I didn't expect you to answer.”

“I didn't expect you to call.”

“I see the feeling is still mutual after eight years.”

“What do you want mom?”

“I hear you're getting married.”

“You heard correct. Did your little birdy tell you?”

“Yes, your brother did tell me. I'm just surprised you found someone who could love you enough to marry you.”

“I’m just surprised you didn't come tell me to my face.”

“I actually wanted to but it seems to me your house has been sitting vacant for quite some time now.”

“Goodbye mother.”

I hung up on her.

Derick joined me out on the deck, carrying two glasses of wine.

“You look like you could use this.”

“Thank you.” I took one of the glasses.

“Who was that on the phone?”

I took a big gulp of my wine.

“Nevermind, I won't ask again.”

“It was my mother,” I rolled my eyes.

“Really? She hasn't talked to you in eight years.”

“She just wanted to try to ruin my life some more.”

“That's so messed up. I’m sorry she has to be like that, El.”

“I'm use to it,” I took another sip. “My brother gets it too but not as bad as me.”

“It's not fair to you. You don't deserve that.”

“I don't deserve a lot of things but here I am.”

He put his arm around me and kissed my temple. “We have this little family. And I think you deserve every little bit of it. I mean look, Blades loves you. I love you. What more could you want?”

I got up from my chair and said, “there's one thing I want but we both know why I can't.”

Derick's head was in his hands before I even opened the sliding door. I could tell he wanted to say something.

“If you have something else to say, please just say it.”

He looked up at me and stood from his seat. “Ellie, you're not the only one this is affecting. I hate seeing you like this. It kills me to see you tearing yourself apart. I don't care that we're not able to have kids. All I care about is your well-being and right now, I'm scared. I'm really scared. I don't want to lose you. I already feel like I lost you.”

His eyes started to well with tears. It was the first time I've ever seen him get emotional about something. About someone.

“I’m sorry…” I said quietly as I walked over and wrapped my arms around him. “I’m sorry I've been like this. I have a lot of issues. I keep telling myself I'm okay, that I'm fine. But I'm really not. And I guess I haven't even been paying attention to see if you were okay.”

“I do my best to keep myself together but these last few weeks have been tough. Ellie, I want a family just as bad as you do but I'm happy with what I have for the time being. We will find a way to start a family.”

“I already have a family. You and Blades. I do wake up every morning with a smile on my face. Mostly because Blades is between us.” I let out a small laugh. “But also because you're the man of my dreams and I get to wake up next to you every day.”

He kissed me softly and squeezed me tight.

After our lips parted I said, “I've been thinking about seeing a therapist again.”

He pulled me in for another hug.

I’m nervous but I'll be fine.

---

It was the morning of Derick’s birthday. The big 2-9. I didn't get him anything special so I wanted to surprise him with making breakfast but you know… he's always awake before I am.

“Morning birthday boy,” I said as I snuck up behind and put my arms around his waist.

“Morning beautiful girl,” he turned around and kissed me softly. “Thank you.”

“So I uh, I got you pretty generic gifts… I hope you don't mind.”

“I'll like anything you get me.” He smiled.

“Oh. Let me go get them! Then I'll make breakfast!”

I ran down the hallway to the spare bedroom to grab his gifts.

“Hurry up, Liv wants to FaceTime before school starts.” He shouted from the kitchen.

“I have your gift from her and Carl anyway.” I said as I returned to the kitchen.

“Oooo let me FaceTime her before I open it.”

He dialed her number and a screech came from the other end of the line.

“Definitely not the first thing I wanted to see this morning,” Liv joked as she answered her phone.

“It's my birthday. Be nice to me for a change!”

“Can't make any promises. Now hurry up. Some of us have to go to work.”

I rolled my eyes and handed him the gift. “Now I had nothing to do with this.”

He opened the box and pulled out the jersey. “You shouldn't have! It's what I always wanted!”

“Turn it around, you dweeb,” Liv rolled her eyes.

Gasping he said, “No! You got me a signed Hagelin jersey?! For my room?!”

I have never facepalmed so much in my life.

“Thank you, Liv. It’ll go well in my room. I'll call Carl later and thank him for his thoughtful gift.”

“Happy birthday, dweeb. I gotta go.”

“Tell the kids I miss them!” He shouted before she ended the call.

“Of all things,” he laughed.

“I told you I had nothing to do with this.”

“Now for your gifts.” He picked up the top gift on the pile I had sitting on the counter.

I sat nervously across from him as he opened the first gift. I didn't know what he was going to think.

“I think I know what this is,” he said as he unwrapped the thin box. “Ah, yes.”

“Do you like it? Carl helped me pick it kinda.”

“I can tell. It's black and gold,” he laughed. “And I love it. I needed a new tie to wear for the season opener red carpet thing.”

I smiled. “Perfect. Okay, open this one.”

He picked up a similar box and began to unwrap it. “Is this another tie?”

“Uh it could be.” I shifted in my seat.

“You know I told you you didn't have to get me anyth-- Ellie… are these…?”

“Tickets to the Giants-Steelers game? Yes, yes they are. But…”

“I have to take you?”

“Well no, Carl. Liv and I have other plans that day.”

He leaned across the breakfast bar and gave me a kiss. “Thank you.”

“Happy birthday, fiancé.”

---

I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now and been put on antidepressants. I guess they're kind of working. I feel better than I have in a long time. Derick and Olivia are practically the only reasons I’m not dead.

During the preseason, I tried sitting with the other wives and girlfriends, but I didn’t seem to fit in. I was mostly quiet and only talked when someone asked me a question. I’m not really good with moving and making new friends easily. Which you would probably think is ironic.

Regular season is finally upon us. I promised Derick I would go to his first few games even though I didn’t feel quite comfortable going by myself and sitting by my lonesome as the other girls chatted and shared a laugh or two.

October 12… The Ottawa Senators versus the Toronto Maple Leafs

As I was approaching my section where my seat is, someone had approached me. Someone who I’ve seen at all the preseason games. Someone who I’d presume was one of the guys’ girlfriends.

“Hey, um… I saw you sitting near us at all the preseason games… Aren’t you Derick’s fiancée?”

“Yeah, uh… I’m Ellie.” I said off guard.

“I’m sorry, let me start over. I’m Monika… Mike Hoffman’s girlfriend. It’s nice to meet you.”

I was quiet as we continued to walk down to our seats.

Monika continued, “Let me introduce you to some of the girls. This is Britt, Hayley, Camille, and Melinda. This is Ellie.”

“Derick’s fiancée?” Melinda asked.

“Yeah… Seems like everyone knows who I am…” I sighed.

“Oh, no sorry. It’s just so nice to finally put a face to the name!” Melinda continued.

“Oh. Well then yeah, I’m Ellie. In the flesh.”

“Maybe we can all go out after the game and get to know you,” Camille chimed in.

“Yeah… maybe.” I swallowed hard.

But first… the game.

Not only was it Derick’s first regular season game with the Senators, but it was also Auston Matthew first NHL game. How exciting.

I was so used to being a Penguins’ season ticket holder, that it was a little weird being at a Senators’ home game. I mean it’s great to finally get away from the city, but I kind of miss it. Sens’ games won’t be anywhere near as great as Pens’ games.

Part way through the first period, my phone started to ring. I pulled it out of my purse to see who it was. My mom? Really? I hit the reject button and put it back in my purse.

I sat in silence for the remainder of the first period. The score was tied 2-2 with goals from Bobby Ryan and Erik Karlsson. And for the Leafs? Yeah, you guessed it… Auston Matthews.

About a minute and a half into the second period, Auston Matthews scored another goal… Yes, his third goal of the game. I just witnessed an Auston Matthews hat trick. His first hat trick in his first NHL game…

During the remainder of the second period, I mostly chatted with the girls to get to know more of them.

All of a sudden, Anderson made a huge save and Derick took the puck down the ice, skated around a defender and put the puck behind the Maple Leafs’ goaltender.

I think if I would have jumped any higher, I would have put myself through the roof. As he celebrated on the ice with his new teammates, I celebrated in the stands with my new girlfriends.