A Story to Tell Your Friends

Twenty-One.

I woke up the next morning with the sun in my eyes and a blurred recollection of the night before. I squinted at the nightstand, seeing my purse and fishing my phone out of it. 10:46. I sighed, unsure how I’d gotten home. I looked out of the window, admiring the view of the skyline I had from the large pane of glass. I blinked quickly. My window was tiny. Why was this one so big?
Fuck.
I shot out of bed. The cold air hit me and I realised I was naked. I grabbed my clothes, throwing them on as quickly and quietly as I could. I could see Jack’s hair sticking out from the top of the covers, his eyes thankfully covered so the sun hadn’t woken him. I grabbed my belongings as the night before came back to me. The taste of the alcohol on his tongue, the way he’d kissed me and all the things I’d said. I just hoped to God that he didn’t remember any of it. Admittedly, I’d been the one who seemed much more intoxicated, but you never knew with Jack. He drank so often you could never tell just how much he’d had. I rubbed my eyes as I leaned against the back wall of the elevator. I hadn’t thought I’d been that drunk, though clearly I had. I pulled out my phone when I left the building, clicking call on Lisa’s name and biting my lip. Jack only lived a few blocks over from me and I figured it would help clear my head if I walked and called Lisa along the way.
“Hello, Gaskarth’s house of shame, how can I help?” I laughed quickly at Alex as he answered the phone, trying not to think about how apt his introduction was.
“You can help by putting your wife on the phone. I have some shame she needs to be aware of.”
“Clara! Happy birthday!”
“It was my birthday yesterday, Alex, but thank you.”
“Well, I know that. I just didn’t say it to you yesterday. Hold on a sec, Lisa’s just with the dogs.” I heard a couple of doors opening and closing and a couple of barks before Lisa’s voice came through my speaker.
“Hi, Clar, what’s up?”
“Please tell me you’re now alone,” I sighed. I knew if Jack remembered what had happened (which was more than likely) Alex would know about it before the day was out, but I didn’t want to have to deal with them both right now.
“Yeah, Alex is getting the dogs ready for a walk. Are you okay?”
“No,” I snorted. “I did something really freaking stupid.” There was silence on the other end as Lisa waited for me to explain. Instead of diving right in, I decided to work myself up to it. “As you probably guessed from my Twitter feed, I went to Jack’s bar last night and he tried to make it up to me. He was acting like there was nothing wrong, talking to me like he did before and I just told him never to speak to me again. I got beyond wasted, and somehow ended up all alone outside the club after everyone had gone home. I got upset and Jack found me outside crying to myself. Of course, we got into a huge fight.”
“Of course. What part of this is really freaking stupid? Because this is a typical Tuesday where I come from.”
“I’m not done.” I paused to take a breath. “I told him I loved him and we ended up sleeping together.” I heard a gasp on the other end and then silence. I fidgeted with my hair as I waited for Lisa to reply. I was almost home now but I didn’t really want to have to admit this to anyone else. Tammy would flip out. I was just hoping she’d gone to Chris’s and not ours. At least telling Lisa meant I didn’t have to see her face. “Lisa? Talk to me?”
“You slept with Jack?”
“Yes,” I groaned. “I didn’t mean to!”
“Okay, okay, I get that. But you slept with him and told him you loved him? Clara, you never told me that.”
“I hadn’t told anyone that,” I muttered. “I realised a few days after he stopped talking to me. I couldn’t stand the fact he was ignoring me, I was crying all the time-“ I heard Lisa take in a breath as if to interrupt me. “I know, I know, you didn’t know that either. Tammy caught me once or twice, but that’s it. Anyway, it was during one of these bouts of crying that I realised why I was so upset. Of course I loved him, what the fuck else could I help but do?”
“You could have told me,” Lisa sighed.
“I could barely even tell myself, Lisa. I was just so messed up I couldn’t imagine admitting it to anyone. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way he used to just sit and grin at me, the way my heart skipped a beat when I caught a glimpse of him. I was in so deep I didn’t even remember a time when I wasn’t in love with him.” I felt tears forming in my eyes and sniffled, thankful I was on my street now. I heard a door open and close through the phone and quickly spoke up. “Please don’t tell Alex.”
“I wasn’t going to, I promise.” I sighed in relief. “I’ll call you later, okay? I’m supposed to be going out with Alex and the dogs. He’ll think it’s weird if I just bail now. We’ll talk about this some more, then.”
“Okay. I’ll speak to you later, Lis.” I ended the call and sighed, letting myself in to my apartment. “Tammy?” I called, hoping once again that she wasn’t here. At least if she wasn’t here, I could pretend I had been. I breathed another sigh of relief when I didn’t get a response, throwing my purse on the couch and heading into the bathroom to take a shower.
I felt my body relax when the warm water hit my shoulders. I was beyond annoyed with myself about what I’d done the night before, mainly admitting my feelings to the one person I had least wanted to know of them. I hadn’t wanted him to know the effect he’d had on me, nor did I ever want to appear vulnerable in front of him ever again. I couldn’t help the fact he’d found me crying like an imbecile, but I didn’t have to let him in on the one thing I hadn’t admitted to anyone. That was the only thing I regretted from the night before. I could shake off every other stupid thing I’d done, but I’d opened myself up to him in a way I’d never done to anyone else before, even after everything he’d done.
Jack had betrayed me. Cut me out like I hadn’t mattered, even when he meant everything to me. I could admit I’d made mistakes, but I hadn’t given up on Jack until he’d given up on me. I’d always known I felt more for him than he had for me and even if the last month hadn’t confirmed it, last night had. I’d spilled my guts to Jack and he’d barely even acknowledged it, let alone told me he’d loved me back. I couldn’t help but wonder what part of our interaction had led to me sleeping with him, but then I remembered the grin on his face when he pulled away from me; the way my heart had pounded when he touched me and I realised it had happened because I’d wanted it to happen. I’d spent the last month imagining he would call me, surprise me in some way and we’d be okay again, that’s why I’d given in so easily last night. I’d wanted everything to be okay again.
I heard my phone buzzing against the sofa as I made my way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. I didn’t care. Whoever it was could wait. If it was important, they’d either call back or leave a message.
5 missed calls: Jack.
4 text messages: Jack, Tammy, Sam.

I checked my messages from Sam and Tammy first, trying to ignore whatever it was Jack had to say. Tammy had text me to say she was staying out longer and wouldn’t be home until later in the day, Sam texting me to check I’d managed to get home okay as I hadn’t text him yet. I replied to both of them, letting them Sam know I was okay and telling Tammy I hope she had fun. She deserved it after all the crap I’d been putting her through. I bit my lip as my finger hovered over Jack’s message, willing myself to open them.
Where’d you go?
Clara, come on. You can’t just walk out like that. Pick up the phone.

I felt a little guilty at his messages. I hadn’t thought that he might have actually cared I’d left, maybe even hurt his feelings a little. I felt a twisted sense of pride at the thought, like maybe he’d been hit with a little bit of karma. The feeling was quickly overridden with yet more guilt. My phone buzzed in my hand as I debated what to do next.
“Hey, Lis. You were quicker than I thought,” I said, answering the phone.
“Alex cut us short. Jack called him.” My stomach plummeted. Of course he called Alex. “He’s worried sick about you, Clara. You didn’t tell me you’d just upped and left without speaking to him.”
“What was I supposed to do? Stick around for an awkward breakfast where I told him I couldn’t stand to be around him?” I snapped back at her. I could hear the annoyance in her voice and I reacted automatically, though I knew if I carried on I would push her away just like I had everyone else.
“You can’t just run from this. You told him you loved him for Christ’s sake.”
“I’m not trying to run from it, Lisa. I just don’t know what to say to him right now.”
“Well, Alex told him you’d called and I said you were fine.” I rubbed my eyes. Of course they told him I’d called. What more did I expect?
“And? What did he say?”
“He was pissed, but he just said to get you to call him. It is the least you could do.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I repeated, exasperated. “You don’t tell a guy you love him one day and you need a break from him the next, but that’s exactly what I need right now. I’m still so angry at him. Besides, how am I supposed to trust that he’s not going to drop off the face of the planet every time he leaves town?”
“Just call him and tell him exactly that. You need time. He’ll understand.” I kept quiet for a moment, mulling it over. She’s right. The worst that could happen is he would freak out and I’d just end the call. Lisa (while marginally annoyed with me) was okay with the idea and wasn’t going to run off and abandon me as a friend.
“Did he tell Alex what I said?” I asked finally.
“You can’t ask me that,” Lisa sighed. “He told Alex a lot of things about the two of you, including stuff from last night. Jack doesn’t know I know, so I can’t tell you. I promised Alex, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine, I get it. If it’s anything I should know, I’m sure Jack will tell me himself.”
“So, you’re going to call him?”
“Yeah, I am. I’ll fill you in later.”
“Good luck.” I laughed at her lightly, ending the call. I couldn’t help but feel like I needed all the luck I could muster.
“Clara, what the fuck?” Jack asked, picking up the call on the second ring. I had a sneaking suspicion he’d been waiting for me to call.
“I’m sorry,” I started, softly.
“Don’t be sorry,” he said quickly. “I’m not annoyed. I was just worried. I didn’t know what had happened to you, that’s all.”
“Well, I’m fine. I came home to shower and think about a few things.” I paused, unsure how to continue, but Jack started before I could.
“You mean, thinking about how best to tell me you didn’t mean anything you said last night?” I could hear the worry in his voice and I felt guilt welling in the pit of my stomach once again. I hated being this person.
“Not that. I meant it when I told you I loved you, Jack.”
“Good, because I –“
“I’m not finished, Jack. Don’t say anything that would make this harder for me.” I paused again, checking to see if he was going to interrupt again. He didn’t. “I just can’t be around you right now. When I look at you, I can’t help but think about how easily you just cut me out of your life, like it was nothing at all.”
“It killed me, Clara.”
“I know that now, I do, but that doesn’t change anything. I loved the guy who showed up at my work with a cheesy grin and couldn’t stand to be away from me for a couple of hours, texting me and calling me whenever he could, but all I see now is the guy who pitched a fit at something harmless and turned into the most spiteful person I’ve known.”
“I didn’t mean to do that. I’d just get so annoyed at everything you were doing. You kept posting things about how happy you were and I felt like the only one who was upset.”
“Did you not speak to Alex about me at all?”
“He just kept telling me to call you,” he admitted. “He wouldn’t tell me anything, just that I should call you.”
“You should have listened to him. I was miserable, Jack. Alex stole my number from your phone that first day and he kept checking in on me. He was the only one who would talk about you to me. He’d tell me about something stupid you’d done every once in a while, and calm me down when I flipped out. If you’d called me like he said, we could have avoided all of this.”
“I’m sorry.” I sighed. It was the first time he’d apologised, which I appreciated. I could tell he meant it, but I still didn’t feel like it was enough.
“I know, but that doesn’t change anything right now. I just need some space.”
“So, what? You want me to not speak to you again?”
“No,” I blurted quickly. “I just think that maybe we should try and be friends. I’ve been a pain in the ass to everyone over the last month, so trust me, I’m not cutting you out, I just can’t jump right back to what we had before.”
“Can’t we just talk about this?” Jack asked, clearly unhappy with my suggestion. I sighed, running my hands through my hair.
“You can’t talk your way out of what you’ve done. I don’t trust you right now, and nothing you have to say will change that fact. Maybe if you just be my friend for a while, I might start to trust you again. It’s going to take some time and if you want anything from me, you’re going to have to respect that.”
“Can I at least see you again before I leave?” He asked, finally.
“I’m not sure. My parents are coming down for the week from tomorrow, so I’m going to be pretty busy. They leave on Saturday if you wanna catch up on Sunday?” I didn’t really want to see him, but I felt like I should at least make the effort to be his friend since it had been I that had suggested it.
“I leave on Wednesday for Chicago.”
“Oh.”
“You’re still coming to the show on the first, right?”
“Absolutely. I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I replied, grinning at the thought of finally seeing one of my favourite bands.
“I guess I’ll see you then.”
“I guess so. Goodbye, Jack.”