A Story to Tell Your Friends

Twenty-Seven.

“So, did you enjoy yourself?” Alex asked as we made our way back to their lounge area, where I had been informed we needed to stay for at least twenty minutes before we could even think of leaving. I nodded vigorously, grinning wildly, Jack’s hand intertwined with my own.
“Oh my, God, Alex. I don’t think you understand how I feel right now,” I gushed. “Like, I’m physically fucking shaking I’m so happy.” I lifted my spare hand to show him that, yes, I was indeed shaking once again. Jack’s touch wasn’t calming me, because I was shaking out of excitement rather than fear.
“Considering you’ve been a fan for over a decade, I figured you would have seen them at least once by now,” he laughed at me, making me scowl.
“My friends are assholes and my parents are assholes.”
“Well, at least I was on hand to set things right,” Jack stated, grinning down at me.
“This is why you stole Tammy’s place as my best friend,” I grinned back. Tammy glared at me, muttering a sarcastic ‘thanks’ to me. “Oh, calm down, boo-boo,” I laughed. “If you could pull stunts like this, you’d definitely still be my favourite person. But you can’t. I need to make Jack feel special so he carries on pulling strings with his tour mates.”
“I don’t know if I’m offended, or just happy you want to make me feel special.”
“What, do you not feel special normally?” We turned the corner into the room and snagged a sofa to ourselves before the rest of the guys could sit down, making everyone scowl at us.
“Hmm,” Jack let out, a contemplative look on his face. “I mean, you always laugh at my jokes, but most girls do.” I snorted, knowing Jack was definitely lying about that one. “Look, you’re even laughing at me now. But I’m not even your favourite guitarist, so that goes against you.”
“You’re definitely in my top 5,” I told him, biting my lip to stop from laughing again. He nodded, still humming as he thought of something else.
“Okay, so maybe you don’t do anything to make me feel special. But I’ve never met a girl who smiles at me so much and flirts with me so outrageously before.” I let out the laugh I’d been supressing at his words.
“So, does that make you feel special?”
“Only if my dick jokes and blatant plagiarism of Alex makes you feel special.”
“Always,” I let out, still laughing at him. He used his grip on my hand to pull me into a hug and wrapped his arms around my waist, which I reciprocated as he leaned his head on top of my own. “So, what’s the plan?” I asked, noticing from the lack of groans that everyone was in their own conversations and utterly ignoring Jack and I.
“We need to talk,” he murmured, not loosening his grip.
“I know,” I sighed. “But where?” I heard him humming again and leaned into him a little more as his chest vibrated. It was a comforting feeling, and I wanted to stay here forever.
“Don’t freak out,” he said quietly when he finally stopped humming. “But I think we should go to my place.” I stayed quiet for a few seconds, debating the decision. I knew everyone would take it to mean something that it wasn’t, but I also knew that Jack’s apartment was the best place to really talk to each other, without the worry that someone would overhear or interrupt. If we went back to my place, Tammy would be there and I still wasn’t ready for her to know everything that had happened over the last couple of months. I figured she knew the vast majority, but I still knew she would feel guilty if she knew her leaving me on my birthday had ended in me waking up in Jack’s bed the next morning.
“What are we going to tell them?” I asked, softly.
“We’re going to tell them the truth. We’re going to talk, in private, and work things out.” I took a deep breath, inhaling Jack’s scent, before finally releasing him.
“Then let’s go.”
It took a further ten minutes for Jack and I to finally depart from our friends. Tammy more than once asked if I was going to be okay, to which I had repeatedly assured her I would be fine. The other bands appeared just as we detached ourselves from our friends, causing another delay in forcing our way out. I ended up babbling gratitude’s to Mark and Travis for not hating me, and even for the music they’d put out over the last twenty years, before Jack reminded me I was an idiot again. In the end, it was an hour before we made it to Jack’s apartment.
“You want a drink?” Jack asked, as I awkwardly perched myself on the edge of the sofa, my hands stuck firmly between my knees.
“Coke, if you have any,” I nodded, smiling thinly. I still wasn’t prepared to admit to Jack just how badly he had affected me, and the closer it got to being unavoidable, the worse I felt. I still had half a mind to make up and excuse and flee the building before Jack could stop me. While my internal conflict waged inside, Jack sat down next to me, placing the can on the coffee table in front of me and taking a sip of his own drink. I noted, thankfully, that he’d opted for a soft drink too. Jack was by no means an emotional or annoying drunk, but it made me feel like he was taking it seriously; that he really wanted to know what was going on and focus all of his attention on it.
“So…” I began, unsure where I should start. I wanted to get everything out in the open, but I didn’t know where to begin. Did I start with the fact I’d barely eaten or slept in three weeks because I couldn’t stop beating myself up over losing him? Or did I start out tame and simply say I was sorry for posting cruel things about him like a child?
“I’m sorry,” he told me. I looked up from my hands, noting the sad look in his eyes. “For everything. I really thought you were okay.”
“I know, Jack. Everyone thought I was okay. Hell, sometimes I thought I was okay.”
“Look at you, Clara; you weren’t okay.”
“I know,” I repeated. “I do. Now, at least. I was so in denial I couldn’t even admit I was in love with you for three weeks after you left town.” I sighed, rubbing my eyes, frustrated with myself already. “I thought I was fine all day, until suddenly I saw something that made me think of you and I wasn’t okay again.”
I’m sorry,” Jack told me again.
“Will you stop apologising? I get it Jack. You were pissed, because I said something in the wrong way. I hated you for it some days, but I get it. You didn’t do this to me, I did.” Jack opened his mouth to retaliate, probably trying to insist that he was the one who started it all, but I cut him off. “I didn’t come here for a pity party. I came here to explain.”
“Okay, okay, sorry,” he muttered. I shot a glare his way, sighing with frustration. Jack bit his lip, trying not to smile once he realised he’d inadvertently apologised once again.
“I didn’t do it on purpose,” I started. “Really. I wanted to be okay once you stopped speaking to me. I threw myself into nights out I really didn’t want to go on, talking to strangers when I really wanted to be talking to you.” I gnawed on my lip, trying to find the words to express that I really didn’t realise what I’d been doing to myself until everybody else noticed it and pointed it out to me. “I basically spent the first couple of days hiding in bathrooms and my bedroom, crying and hoping you’d pick up the phone. Every time you didn’t answer, I told myself it would be the last time I’d call, but I think you saw how I got on with that one.” I laughed dryly, imagining how many missed calls Jack had to discard on a daily basis to ignore me to completely. As usual, I felt anger bubbling in the pit of my stomach, but just looking at how upset Jack seemed lessened it significantly.
“You didn’t tell anyone,” he stated. “I’ve spoken to everyone I can think of, and nobody knew you were this upset.” I rolled my eyes, his words reminding me just how massively I’d overreacted at his leaving.
“I was being a drama queen. You were just some guy I’d known a month; I had no right to be so upset over you. It had never been a big deal before.” I picked at my fingernails, pausing for a moment. “I mean, I’ve known guys for years and said more than my share of stupid things, and I’d never felt as utterly lost without them as I did without you.” I shifted in my seat, pulling my legs up in front of me and wrapping my arms around them. “I suppose Alex told you I blamed myself for everything those first few days?” He nodded, but didn’t say anything. “For the most part, he did convince me it was your fault, but I still blamed myself for chasing you away with my ineptitude and paranoia. I mean, what guy in their right mind wants to tell a girl ten times a day that he’s not going anywhere? I didn’t blame you for that.”
“I had no problem telling you that. I’d tell you nothing but that all day, if I had to.” I snorted.
“You can say it all you want, Jack, but eventually you were going to get sick of me acting like a child. I just figured I’d pushed you away in record time.” I sighed, running my hands through my hair. “Why couldn’t you have just picked up the phone?” I felt tears prickling in my eyes as I looked up at him, almost pleading with him to have a valid excuse so that I could forgive him instantly.
“I was being a fucking coward,” he told me, sighing himself. “I knew if I picked up, one of three things would happen. 1. You’d be so angry you’d just chew me out and never speak to me again. 2. You’d be upset and I’d have to face up to being the reason for that. Or 3. You’d act like nothing was wrong, and I’d realise you didn’t actually care. At least if I never picked up, I wouldn’t know which one it was. Alex wouldn’t tell me how you were, neither would Lisa. I figured you’d eventually leave a voicemail or something, but then you just stopped calling and all I could see on the internet was you enjoying yourself with people I’d never seen before. I thought you were okay, and that killed me more than I expected it to. But then I saw you at the club, and I realised you so obviously weren’t okay. I didn’t know if I expected to feel better knowing you’d been feeling the same as me, but I didn’t expect to feel any worse than I did. You were so angry at me, and I think you thought that was all, but you just looked so… unhappy, so unlike you. I just wanted to make things right, and I still managed to screw that one up.”
“I didn’t realise how bad I’d gotten until earlier that week,” I told him. “Since we stopped speaking, I basically worked all the time. I was barely sleeping, so I got into work early and left late, even when I had nothing in particular to do. When I wasn’t crying, I just felt sick constantly. It took me a couple of days to realise I was getting by on half a meal a day, and that was what Tammy forced me to have. Eventually, work realised there was something wrong,” I shrugged, still struggling with the same tears as before. “I don’t know if they knew why, or what was wrong, but I basically got sent home with the instruction of sleeping.”
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell someone?” Jack asked me. I looked up suddenly, noticing the anger in his voice. I blinked a couple of times, realising I’d lost my battle with the tears in my eyes as they were halfway down my cheeks.
“What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey, guys, you know that guy I knew for three weeks? Well, I’m in love with him and I can’t eat or sleep without him.’ Yeah, because that doesn’t make sound like a teenager at all.”
“Clara, I’m not fucking kidding,” he growled. “Do you think we wouldn’t all drop everything to make sure you were okay? I don’t care the reason, neither do Tammy or Lisa. Hell, even Alex wouldn’t care if you were upset over a stubbed fucking toe, we’d all drop it for you. Why didn’t you talk to someone?”
“Because I told them everything I could admit to! They all knew I was a mess, Jack, I just didn’t want them to know how pathetic I felt. I didn’t want to take a chance on it coming back to you and you thinking even less of me than you already did. I wanted you to think I was okay. You seemed fine, so I wanted to seem fine. It was a pathetic game of one-upmanship that I knew I couldn’t win, so I went overboard pretending everything was okay.”
“But I wasn’t okay! I had to be told when I was talking about you, because you seemed to be linked with every thought process I had and I was constantly talking about this or that and bringing it right back to you. Hell, girls would come over and flirt with me, and I’d just talk about you until they left. I went out, I tried to enjoy my tour, but everything I thought about came back to you and I just ended up with this sinking feeling in my stomach, thinking you didn’t care; that you’d only spent your time with me because everyone just thought I was a dude in a band who liked to screw around.”
I wanted nothing more than to reach over and grab Jack’s hands as he tugged at his hair in frustration. I wanted to calm him down and pretend everything was better, that we were back to who we were in the beginning.
But I didn’t.
I kept my hands laced with each other around my legs and let the tears fall silently. I was exhausted, emotionally, and I couldn’t hold back my feelings anymore. I’d become so weak in the last few weeks that I barely contained myself long enough to gain privacy, but I was done pretending I was okay. I needed to get this out if I was ever going to actually be okay again.
“I’m still angry,” I told him softly. “I understand how this got so out of hand, but I just can’t understand why it happened.”
“From the word go, you were so… I don’t know, cool about it all. I know you flipped out a couple of times before I left, but as soon as I was gone you just seemed so okay with it all. I missed you from the moment I left for the airport that morning and I more than once thought about turning around and either not going or forcing you to come with me. And once I was there, I would call you, and you just seemed so normal. I’d already begun to convince myself you didn’t feel anything for me, when you made it oh-so-clear that we weren’t anything to each other. I just felt like an idiot.” I bit my lip, knowing exactly what he meant. I knew I’d played it cool, but I’d convinced myself that I’d done it for Jack’s sake, that he wanted to be nothing to each other. I’d never imagined (until Lisa had actually told me so) that he felt the opposite.
Despite the nagging, angry voice in the back of my mind, I reached out my hand for Jack’s, softly lacing my fingers with his own.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I thought I was doing exactly what you wanted and we both just screwed it up so badly.” I moved forward, now resting my weight on my knees and sitting directly in front of Jack, placing my free hand on his cheek.
“Promise me you’re okay now,” Jack told me, looking straight into my eyes.
“I promise.” He looked away briefly and I half thought he didn’t believe me. I pushed my hand on his face so he had no choice but to look back up at me. “Jack, just being here makes me feel okay again. Knowing I didn’t lose you completely makes me feel okay again.” He looked at me sadly, still seeming as if he didn’t believe me. “Jack, come on. I love you, how could I be anything else but okay?”
I pushed my lips to Jack’s softly. I could feel him hesitate slightly, before his hand found its way to the back of my neck and he kissed me back softly.