Endlessly

"Are you ready?"

Emilia Mustonen could hear her mother's voice, but it sounded far away. Every sound in her world seemed muffled, as though she were underwater and she wanted desperately to get out. She could feel her mother's gentle hand on her shoulder, but it was a detached feeling as though she weren't actually in her body. She nodded almost robotically.

This had to be a dream. A horrible dream and soon she would wake up and everything would be back to normal.

But one look into her mother's sad brown eyes told her the truth of the lies she tried to tell herself.

The sky was a dark grey and rain had been threatening all afternoon. An ironic reflection of the turmoil she felt, Emilia almost wished that it would just downpour so that she might be able to release the storm inside her as well. Her mother took her hand and gave it s quick squeeze before leading her away. As the pair walked from the black town car down the rolling green hills of the cemetery, Emilia reflected upon the events of the last week that had led her to this very place.

"Em, will you please stop that?"

Emilia groaned and rolled from her back onto her stomach. She lay on the bed and watched as a set of long fingers, belonging to her best friend Ville, strummed the strings of a guitar. His concentration was reflected by the furrow of his brow as he tried to complete the beginnings of a song he had been working on all afternoon. He sat on the floor with his back rested against the bed, so she returned the beanie to his head after she'd snatched it off for the tenth time.

"I'm bored. You've been playing the same chords for like four hours."

"So read a book," he replied dryly as he began the chord again.

"The point of today was going to the bookstore so that I could do just that while you played," she answered pointedly. He paused briefly and then began again, knowing full well it would agitate her just a little more. Ville, while sympathetic to her boredom, was a slave to his music and once he'd worked out the beginnings of a melody, couldn't stop until he was satisfied.

"Just ten more minutes, I've almost got it where I want it."

She sighed and conceded his terms, knowing full well that it would be an hour at best. She patted his shoulder and rose to walk to his window and look outside.

Spring had definitely arrived to Helsinki. The snow had finally melted after an eternity and the grass was beginning to grow green and lush. It had been a brutal winter in more ways than one. While the copious amounts of snow had been a decided issue for Emilia, who questioned every day how someone so averse to cold temperatures had been born in Finland, the biggest problem with this winter had been her father's illness.

Niko Mustonen was the absolute center of his household. With three women in his home who tended to be at odds with each other, he could find the way to end any argument and bring about peace within minutes, even if the battle had waged for hours. He loved his wife, Tatiana, dearly and was a devoted father to both Emilia and her older sister, Essi. When he'd fallen ill, it had shaken up the family dynamic tremendously. The fights between Emilia and her mother had escalated to a point where she felt it better that she spend more time sleeping over her friend's houses than her own.

Of course, that primarily meant that she'd spent a lot of time in the Valo guest bedroom as Anita, Ville's mother, would hear no argument on the subject.

As the weather warmed, Niko's condition grew worse. The doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with him and while he had some good days, the bad now greatly outnumbered them. It destroyed Emilia to see her beloved father in such a state. He kept a brave face for his family, but something deep down in Emilia believed that he'd resigned himself to something she just couldn't bring herself to face.

The music stopped and Emilia turned away from the window to face her friend. He stood tall already for a boy of seventeen and had green eyes amplified by his pale skin and dark brown hair. Curls escaped the beanie he'd readjusted and brushed against his shoulders. He was handsome, she'd admit privately, but more important to her was the kindness in his very soul that had first brought them to friendship.

"You okay?" He knew exactly what she'd been thinking about as she stared out the window.

"I'm just worried. I haven't heard from my mom yet today."

He slung a long arm around her shoulders and grabbed his wallet from the desk as he led her from his bedroom. She leaned into his embrace and took the comfort that he offered her. She felt his lips press into her hair as they walked down the hallway.

"Everything will be okay, kulta. Your father is a strong man, he'll pull through."

She nodded and held in the tears she felt pricking her blue eyes. She needed to believe, for her father's sake. Ville's hand gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze and she offered him a small smile of reassurance.

Once the pair stepped out into the brisk spring day, they were immediately greeted by both Mige and Linde who had been walking up the front path to Ville's house. Mige had the beginnings of a hefty brown beard that he'd been attempting to grow for several weeks now. He'd had to shave it twice now because his mother hated the way it looked, but still he continued in pursuit of his endeavor. Linde on the other hand had blonde hair that he was growing out after an unfortunate incident with gum.

"Told you they'd be here still," Linde said to Mige as they came to a stop.

"Sorry, I got caught up in a song and..."

"We know, we know...you just had to finish," both boys chirped, having mocked Ville a time or two for his relentless dedication. Not that they didn't have it themselves but there had been more than a few late night band practices that had turned into crack of dawn practices because something popped into Ville's head at an inconvenient time.

"Anyway, we were lurking outside the bookstore a bit too long and the manager there seemed slightly suspicious of us. Which I find highly offensive but I'll let it slide this once," Mige said as the foursome walked down the street.

"Well you are wearing a big trench coat and a hat. You do look kind of suspicious," Emilia reasoned.

"He shouldn't judge. I could be an international spy for all he knows."

"You're a pretty conspicuous one then if he was that wary of you," Ville noted with a conspiratory grin at Emilia.

"Shut up the both of you."

Mige grumbled under his breath and took a few large steps to walk ahead of the group. Linde leaned in toward Ville and Emilia as they walked and whispered to them.

"He kept mean mugging the guy, of course he looked at us like we were gonna rob the place."

"I heard that!"

The three of them shared a laugh and continued on their way engrossed in the activity of making jokes at Mige's expense.

Once they reached the bookstore, Emilia found that Mige had not exaggerated at all about how he had been regarded by the manager. His eyes followed Mige across the front of the store as he walked toward the section that housed the music books. This, of course, hadn't gone unnoticed by Mige who stared the man down as he glided past.

Emilia covered her smirk with her hand, noting to herself that she'd have to keep her distance from Mige in this particular store if she wanted to continue to be allowed in. Each of the foursome set about in their own directions. Ville off to horror, Mige and Linde to music, and Emilia to fiction.

She gently,dragged her fingers along the spines of the books on the shelves, pausing every now and then to pick up something that caught her eye. The smell of new books was something that always brought comfort to her and there was nothing quite like the first crack of a brand new hardcover book. She laughed remembering the time that she'd shown Ville what she'd meant by that and he'd proceeded to crack several books. She had yelled at him, saying that he'd robbed someone else of that satisfaction. He'd never done it again.

She came to a stop at the poetry section and slid her gaze over the names of some of her favorites. Poe, of course, but Apollinaire and Frost as well as Baudelaire. She picked up 'Les Fleurs de Mal' and began reading when she felt someone standing behind her. She closed the book and curled it under her arm before turning to face a familiar set of green eyes.

"Good choice," Ville murmured. "Don't you already have it though?"

"I need a copy for your house."

"You could just borrow mine."

"Yours is in tatters. You'd be well off getting another for yourself," she chided and he smirked as they began walking through the aisles toward the front.

"Why would I do that? It's readable."

"The spine is duct taped together. You can barely open it."

"But I can open it." He handed her a copy of 'Pride and Prejudice' off the shelf, again knowing she had a copy at her own home but that she'd want a copy to keep in his home, as it was one of her favorites. She took it gratefully and continued toward the front.

The thing that Emilia had loved so much about her and Ville's friendship from the very beginning was that though he lived to vex her in every manner possible, he'd turn it around in a second with something small to make her smile. He'd understood her, knowing she had a quick temper but a gentle heart and had taken an immediate liking to the fire she had shown when they'd first met two years prior.

It hurt him to watch her suffer as she did, dealing with her father's illness, and he'd taken it upon himself to try and make everything easier for her. Offering her a place to stay when the fighting with her mother had become too much to bear was the absolute least he could do for her. Tatiana loved both of her children, that Ville knew. But he also knew that Niko's deteriorating health had put a tremendous amount of stress on her shoulders and as such, he tried not to judge her behavior too harshly.

Still, Ville watched every day as the fire within Emilia took hit after hit and while some days he was able to coax her into acting like her old self, some days she just seemed to smolder.

He watched as she carefully carried her books to the manager, who still eyed Mige and Linde where the stood in the corner, and set them on the counter. Quickly he dipped in front of her to place his own selection on the counter as well and pulled out his wallet as the man rang the books up together.

"No Ville, not again. Please." She always protested when he tried to pay for something for her.

"Will you just let me do this, consider it an early birthday present."

"My birthday isn't until October," she replied with a cocked eyebrow. He couldn't help but laugh.

"Would you accept an Earth Day present?"

"That makes sense, buying a book for Earth Day when that book only exists because we cut down trees to make it," she scoffed.

"See? Festive." He slapped down enough money for the books and blocked her from trying to snatch it back.

"You're impossible," she mumbled with a smile as she collected her books from the counter.

"You love me though," he replied cheekily, taking his own book and the change from the man as Linde and Mige made their way over.

"I do, and I frequently question my own sanity because of it," she said tossing her long dark hair over her shoulder.

The group of them exited the store and suddenly Mige and Linde burst into a fit of giggles. Both Ville and Emilia gave a questioning look which caused them to laugh harder. Mige looked around and ducked into an alleyway and the other three followed.

"What's so funny?" Ville asked finally.

Mige could barely control his mirth when he produced a small beginner guitar book from his pocket and showed it to the two who were obviously not in on the joke. Once it dawned on Emilia what had happened she rolled her eyes and shook her head at her friend.

"Well clearly he had a reason to be suspicious," she said, slapping Mige gently on the arm.

"If he wanted to act like I was a petty criminal then I'm gonna be one," he announced rebelliously. Ville just shook his head and laughed.

"You're ridiculous," he said as he turned to walk out of the alleyway.

"Only slightly."

On the way back to Ville's house the boys talked about playing a few songs in the garage before going out to grab a bite to eat. While they debated on what songs needed more practice than others, Emilia found herself dwelling on a feeling of foreboding that hung on the edges of her mind.

Usually she heard from her mother at lunch time. Sometimes it varied, if her father stayed awake longer than normal but that had been the norm for a few months now. Niko refused to allow his daughters to see him in the hospital once he'd started his decline, saying that when he was better he didn't want them to remember him during that difficult time. Emilia had seen her father once, about three weeks prior, on one of his better days but even that was a loose definition of "better." He'd been so thin and pale, his usually contagious smile never really touched his eyes.

Ville grasped her hand as they rounded the corner to his street and stopped dead in his tracks. She broke concentration and looked at him curiously. All the blood had drained from his face as he stared off in the direction of his house. Mige and Linde had stopped too, following his gaze. The thundering of footsteps across the pavement drew her attention and she caught sight of her older sister running toward her, her blonde hair flying wildly behind her.

The sound of blood rushing in her ears was all that Emilia heard after that. As her sister reached her, she enveloped her in a tight hug and began openly weeping into Emilia's shoulder. Looking beyond, she found her mother standing in the Valo's driveway being held by Anita, weeping as well.

"Why are they crying?" She thought numbly, none of the pieces had quite made their way into completing the puzzle before her. Essi released her and held her shoulders as words she had never thought she'd hear tumbled from her sister's mouth.

"He's gone."

The breath went out of her lungs and suddenly she wasn't in her body anymore. She could process nothing, but see it all as though she had been a spectator to her own life. The books fell from her hands and Ville was suddenly there, catching her as she began to crumble to the ground. Tears burst as though from a dam and she cried harder than she ever had thought possible. Ville picked her up and cradled her tiny body to his chest and she buried her face in it, clutching his sweater for dear life as he carried her across the street.

"I'm so sorry, kulta. I'm so sorry..." He murmured into her hair which only caused her to cry harder. She could barely breathe, her cries coming too quickly now to allow a sufficient amount of oxygen into her lungs.

Tatiana left Anita's embrace and went to where Ville had arrived with Emilia. He bent to lower her slowly to the ground, afraid she wasn't ready to command her body to stand. She rushed into her mother's arms, Essi joining them and the three women held onto one another as though they were afraid to lose each other as well.

Anita came to Ville's side and she embraced her son as they looked on their broken friends, wanting to offer comfort and none knowing how. He looked at his mother with tears glistening in his eyes, unsure what to do. She gave him a brave smile, sadness touching her own eyes.

"Just be there for her, dear." She answered a question he had never spoken and he nodded in response, returning her embrace. Linde and Mige wandered over, Mige clutching the books that had been discarded in the street.

When the sobs became whimpers and the whimpers became words of encouragement from mother to daughters, the women all rose, red eyed and tear streaked. Ville left his mother's side and went to Emilia's. She immediately sank into his embrace, sniffling against his sweater as fresh tears wet it. He didn't care, he just wanted to fix this for her. He rubbed small circles on her back as she calmed down and pressed his lips to her head.

"Come inside, girls. Let me make some tea. Anything you need, just ask." Anita led Tatiana and Essi to the house. Linde and Mige followed closely behind, leaving Ville and Emilia locked in a tight embrace at the end of his driveway.

"He's really gone, Ville," she whimpered in a way that broke his heart.

"I'm so sorry, Em. What can I do? Please just say the word."

She burrowed her face into his chest and breathed in raggedly. "Can we just go lay down?"

He bent to pick her up once again and held her tightly against himself as she held onto him. He brought her up into the house and met his mother's eyes when they met in the kitchen. She gave a knowing nod and Ville proceeded to bring his friend upstairs.

"Your room or mine?" He asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yours."

He couldn't help but smile, she'd kicked him out of his own bed when she first started sleeping there. She had cited preferring not being woken up by the sun in the morning as she was on the other side of the house but really it was that she liked the space available to her in his bigger bed. He hadn't cared either way, his feet hung off the bed no matter which one he chose.

His brother, Jesse poked his head out of his room, headphones over his ears. He took one look at Emilia and then gave Ville a worried look. Without speaking, the brothers had always been able to communicate silently. He only needed to nod once to confirm what Jesse was thinking.

"Sorry for your loss, Emilia. Let me know if you need anything. "

She croaked a thank you out and Ville gave his brother a grateful look before bringing her into his room and closing the door. He laid her down gently on the side she preferred and draped a blanket over her. She brushed her hair from her face and curled her knees toward her chest.

He made his way to the other side and lay himself down next to her. His fingers reached out to gently brush back an errant strand of hair from her face. He had to admit to himself, even now, she was still so beautiful. He'd have given anything to make her smile again in that moment. He slid closer to her and stroked her hair gently as she closed her eyes, lost in the feeling.

"Ville?" Her voice came out barely above a whisper.

"Yes, kulta?"

"Don't ever go away, okay? Promise you'll be with me always."

His breath caught slightly, unsure of the implications behind her request. "I'll always be here, Emilia. No matter what happens. I'll always be apart of your life, I swear."

Her blue eyes opened and she bit down on her lip, nervously. He saw the decision cross her face and before he even had time to process how he'd react, her soft lips were pressed gently on his. He gently cupped her face and kissed her back, softly. His body ached for more, as this was something he'd thought about several times throughout their friendship, but he'd never wanted to jeopardize what they had.

He knew that this wasn't a declaration of love, or the beginning of a relationship, but at the very least it was acknowledgement of feelings they both had and weren't ready to act upon.

She pulled away first and found his hand before lacing her fingers between his. She relaxed considerably as he pulled her closer to him and he wrapped her in his free arm.

"Sleep now, love. I'll be here when you wake up."

The memories now seemed a lifetime away. It had been a long five days, filled with condolences from family members and friends, planning for a funeral, and the blasted task of dealing with her father's mother who had come to stay with them, as she lived in Germany. Her grandmother, while very loving, had a habit of finding the best ways of getting on her mother's nerves and this visit had proven to be no exception.

Essi walked behind now, holding their grandmother's hand to help her balance as they walked toward the grave site. She looked back and offered her sister a sympathetic smile which was returned with a wide eyed look of frustration.

"It was a beautiful service," Tatiana mused quietly, her steps slowing as they grew closer to their destination. Emilia felt her hesitation growing as well. "I'll have to think of something to thank Ville. He played those hymns so beautifully."

Emilia nodded, Ville had been absolutely haunting in his performance. She hadn't seen him after they'd woken from their nap in his bed, she'd been so busy with helping her mother out. So when he'd shown up to the church, guitar in hand, asking if he could play some songs for Niko, she'd very nearly broken down again.

She looked out to where he now stood, with dark grey pants on with a white collared shirt, untucked of course. He stood graveside already, his head down either in either respect or reflection. As though sensing her gaze, his eyes flashed to hers and he gave her an encouraging smile.

"He is very handsome isn't he?" Tatiana said, breaking her reverie.

"Mama..." Emilia warned, earning a knowing smirk from her mother who said no more.

Ville left his place and headed out to meet her, soon flanked by Linde and Mige. Mige, clean shaven, having lost another battle with his mother reached Emilia first. He gave her a tight hug and passed her to Linde who did the same. When she let go of her friends, Ville came to her and she tucked her head neatly under his chin and wrapped her arms around him.

Tatiana gave the boys quick thanks before continuing on her own journey, leaving her daughter in capable hands.

"Are you ready?" Ville asked and she realized that she didn't know the answer to the question she'd been asked twice already.

"No, but this isn't going to wait on my account," she sighed, releasing him. He took her hand and Mige took the other. Linde rested a hand on her shoulder.

"We're here. Whatever you need," Mige said as they led her closer to her father's casket.

It was shiny and black like patent leather. A picture of Niko was positioned next to the casket with a wreath of flowers around it. He looked as Emilia wanted to remember him, laughing and healthy. She was grateful that she had few memories of him being so sick, but she'd never forgive herself for allowing the restriction to be placed on seeing him. She should have been there.

Ville squeezed her hand again, as though guessing her thoughts and they came to a stop next to where her mother now stood. Essi arrived with their grandmother about the same time. And the group of them all looked at each other encouragingly.

"I'm going to be right over there, Em," Ville whispered as he picked up his guitar from where he'd left it and gestured next to where the pastor stood waiting patiently for everyone else to arrive.

She nodded and he pressed his lips to her forehead. Her sister came to take the hand Ville previously held and he went to begin playing again. Once all who were present had gathered, Emilia took a long shaky breath and prepared herself for what was next.

The pastor cleared his throat. "May I ask that we all bow our heads in prayer..."