Endlessly

It had been a long two days for Ville.

They had passed in a whirlwind fueled by alcohol, laughter, and couple of questionable decisions as Ville tried to get Emilia out of his mind for the time being. It seemed as though every time he closed his eyes there she was, with tears in her eyes as she left him standing in the cold. He wanted to forget how he felt about her but she stayed with him, as much a part of him as the heart in his chest.

He appreciated Bam’s presence, despite the fact that he had all but dropped Jonna in Ville’s lap. Bam had been more than willing to provide ample distraction from Ville’s melancholic behavior. Though it did not come without cost as Bam made his displeasure known regarding Ville’s indifference to Jonna at every chance he had. On multiple occasions he had tried to explain to Bam his reasoning behind not wanting to be with Jonna, but every time he made the attempt she would appear and wrap herself around him like a constrictor.

On the morning of the show, Ville woke up slowly to find himself on the god awful couch in the living room. He peeled himself off of it and looked around to find that most of his friends were draped across the furniture or sleeping on the floor after a long night of partying. His apartment was trashed and he did not relish the idea of having to clean it up, nor did he enjoy the idea of having to go around and apologize to his neighbors for what had undoubtedly been a sleepless night.

He stood shakily and steadied himself on the furniture as he made his way over the various men who were fast asleep. He chuckled when his eyes landed on Bam who was propped up against the wall with two beers still in his hands though he was out cold. Cautiously, he ventured toward his bedroom with nothing on his mind but the thought of his bed as his back complained about having slept on the couch.

As soon as he reached his bedroom, his heart skipped a beat when he found the sleeping form of a woman curled up in his bed. Dark hair was fanned out over the pillow and he wondered if perhaps Emilia had come over when he had been past the point of blacking out. He smiled to himself at the thought, hoping that perhaps she had come to her senses about the future of their relationship.

Approaching the bed quietly, he brushed the hair from the face of the woman and found that not Emilia, but Jonna was occupying his bed. He groaned and pulled his hand away.

’So much for that plan,’ he thought as he backed away from the bed and left the room.

He went instead to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water as he leaned up against the counter. His head was pounding and his body ached. He dreaded the idea of having to perform that night but the only thing that kept him optimistic about the entire thing was the hope that Emilia would be there. Of course, he had no idea if she would even show up. Hell, he had no idea if she’d run off to Germany again. He wanted to respect her wishes, he wanted to give her time but the waiting was killing him.

“Morning,” Bam’s ragged voice broke Ville’s train of thought and he looked up to find Bam still holding his two beers though he was currently dumping the remainder of their contents in the sink.

“Morning,” Ville answered back quietly, finding his own voice was raspy. He would have to try drinking some tea later on if he wanted to be able to sing later.

“So…?” Bam asked as he set his empties down on the counter and turned to face Ville.

“What?”

“Did you and Jonna….?” Bam asked with a mischievous grin. Ville rolled his eyes and shook his head, denying the implication. He watched as his friend grew visibly frustrated and braced himself for the inevitable.

“Why not? She’s been hanging around for two days waiting for you to make a move and you just mope around and avoid her all the time. You’re gonna fuck this up for yourself,” Bam berated Ville and took the glass of water from his friend’s hand.

“There’s nothing to fuck up, Bam. I told you – I’m not interested. I shouldn’t have even started anything with her in the first place. That was a huge mistake.”

“You guys got along great, I don’t understand what your problem is. You into dudes now or something?”

Ville narrowed his eyes and snatched back the glass of water. “No, Bam. It’s just complicated.”

“How complicated?”

Ville pursed his lips and sighed. “There’s just someone else. She has my whole heart and there’s nothing left for me to give anyone else right now.”

Bam’s eyes glinted with excitement, all annoyance erased from his mind. “Well, why the hell didn’t you say so man? That’s not complicated at all.”

“It is complicated, Bam. She wants nothing to do with being with me.”

“Then she’s fucking stupid and you should just be with Jonna.”

Ville narrowed his eyes at his friend and shook his head once more. “No, this girl is it for me. I’ve been missing her for years. I’m not planning on just giving up on her.”

“Who is she?” Bam asked as he opened the cupboard to produce his own glass and he proceeded to fill it with water from the tap.

“Her name is Emilia. She was my best friend when we were teenagers. I lost touch with her after she moved to Berlin when her father died.”

“So I’m guessing she’s back now and freaked out that you’ve been lusting after her after all this time?” Bam chuckled as he sipped on his water.

“Lusting? No – well yes but that’s not all of it. She’s just…she’s incredible, man. If soulmates exist then she is definitely mine.”

Bam raised a brow and nodded. If this girl was that important to his friend then he wasn’t about to continue to try and throw Jonna at him. He felt bad that he’d dragged her all the way to Helsinki for no reason at all but he’d had no idea that the reasoning for Ville’s lack of interest was another woman, he’d just assumed he had been consumed by his work on the new album.

“Well, I’ll reign Jonna in. I’m sorry I kept trying to push the two of you together.”

Ville shrugged. “You didn’t know.”

“Not like I tried to listen.”

Ville laughed and nodded. “That’s true.”

A loud crash suddenly sounded from the living room as Steve-O began to stir, knocking over the tower of beer cans that had been stacked around him the night before. Ville and Bam dissolved into a fit of laughter, both men having forgot about that particular prank. Grabbing a roll of paper towels, they ventured toward the sound of several men yelling about being soaked in warm beers being a terrible way to wake up.

As they moved past, Jonna sank back into the hallway where she’d been listening to Ville and Bam’s conversation. She was furious that she’d wasted so much time pursuing a man who didn’t want her. She was more furious that she’d invested real feelings into him at the spurring of Bam who had ensured that her time wasn’t being wasted. Ville was in love and it would never be with her. She’d just been a fun distraction and nothing more.

Jonna was not a woman who enjoyed being toyed with, nor was she a woman who did not get the things that she wanted. She supposed that she was spoiled but she also credited her relentlessness as being a primary reason that she rarely, if ever, came out of a situation without her desired outcome.

Currently, her desires lay with a certain Finnish rock star whose bed she’d slept in the night before and she wasn’t about to let herself be discarded like she was nothing. If all that stood in the way of that man was another woman then all she needed to do was get this Emilia person out of the picture for good.

Quietly, she retreated back to Ville’s bedroom where she lay herself back down in her bed. She did not want anyone to discover that she’d been lurking in the shadows and listening to conversations not meant for her ears.



Emilia was grateful for her sister’s presence by her side that evening despite the turn that the event had taken. She gripped Essi’s hand tightly, trying to focus her breathing as they watched the band perform. She wanted to support her friends, despite everything that was currently going on between Ville and herself, but her resolve to do so was growing weaker with every passing moment. Her experience was soured by the presence of a woman who had no idea of the impact she was currently having on Emilia.

Every time that Jonna cheered for Ville when they finished a song, Emilia tried to remember that she was there because she was thrilled to see her friends in their full glory; headlining a show instead of being rushed off stage so that another band could play. This night was about them, this was everything they’d worked to achieve and she wanted to bear witness to the fruition of something she’d seen the beginnings of.

While she didn’t necessarily want to be, she found that she was transfixed by Ville. Into every word he sang, he poured raw emotion and she was taken back by the intensity of it. He was the physical embodiment of their music, the power of it come to life. He was an entirely different person on stage, commanding the attention of everyone in the room and he most certainly had hers.

Jonna clapped loudly beside her and Emilia’s teeth were immediately set on edge. Essi squeezed her sister’s hand gently as she tried to silently calm her, despite not feeling calm herself. It was taking every bit of restraint in her body to not rush out on stage and slap Ville across the face in front of everyone. She was furious with him for having the audacity to invite Emilia to a show and then drag his new plaything along as well. He would have known that the two women would have had to cross paths. He had done this on purpose as far as she was concerned.

“Thank you very much,” Ville’s voice reverberated around them as he spoke huskily into the microphone, sending involuntary shivers down Emilia’s spine. “We’ll be taking a short break, please feel free to head to the bar.”

Emilia watched as Ville sauntered off stage, peeling his t-shirt off and wiping the sweat from his face with it. Her eyes wandered over his naked torso and she tried to ignore the quickening of her heartbeat within her chest. He was beautiful and she would be a liar if she couldn’t admit to that.

As soon as he left the stage, Ville sought out Emilia having spied her earlier during the show. He’d been surprised to see that she had actually shown up but he could have done without her body guard. He had no idea what Emilia had told Essi regarding their situation and didn’t relish the idea of being on the receiving end of her bad temper in such a public place.

He had been pleased to find her eyes wandering over his body once he’d taken his shirt off and his eyes locked with hers. He smirked when she realized he had caught her and watched the blush creeping onto her pale cheeks. All hope was not lost, he realized, if she still had these kind of reactions to him.

Suddenly, Jonna emerged from out of nowhere – or maybe she’d been standing there the whole time, but he certainly hadn’t noticed. He teetered as she jumped up and wrapped her arms around him, planting a wet kiss on his cheek with a smile, halting him in his tracks. He looked up to find that Emilia was frowning and had turned to speak to her sister and nothing good could come from the glare that Essi was giving him.

“Ville, you’re incredible!” Jonna exclaimed as she released him and took his hand, wrapping her fingers with his. He looked around for help of any kind and found that his band mates were all on their way to surround Emilia and Essi, leaving him to fend for himself as he was fed to a wolf.

Emilia tried to put on a happy face as she opened her arms to Mige who was on his way to receive a hug from her. She inhaled his familiar smell and allowed herself to sink into the hug he gave her, trying to sap some strength from him at that particular moment as she watched Jonna kiss Ville’s cheek. Mige pulled away from Emilia and he held her at arm’s length for a moment as he carefully observed her.

“You’re tense. Do you hate the show?”

“No, no not at all. You guys are nothing short of amazing. I’ve just got a lot on my mind tonight,” she said as she tried to angle herself so that Ville was no longer in her line of sight. Luckily for her, Linde had arrived and placed himself directly in the way of Ville and Jonna.

“Then what’s wrong?” Mige pressed, looking to Essi for the answers that Emilia was clearly not going to divulge.

“I have an idea,” Linde murmured as gestured toward where Ville stood with Jonna draped around him. Mige pinched the bridge of his nose and looked at the ground. Of all the stupid things that Ville could have done…

“It’s not a big deal,” Emilia said with her voice strained. “He’s free to see who he wants. He’s a grown man.”

“Doesn’t mean he needs to fucking flaunt it,” Essi seethed and Emilia squeezed her sister’s hand this time. She watched as her sister exchanged a meaningful look with Linde who only nodded at her. Emilia’s brow knitted together as she wondered at the reasoning for this quiet exchange was but she was distracted by the appearance of two newcomers in their midst.

A man with long dark hair and another larger man with no hair approached the group and Linde and Mige made room for them. Emilia immediately recognized them as the keyboardist and drummer from the band and she smiled warmly at them.

“You must be the famous Emilia,” said the drummer as he returned her smile. “Those two, well…three, haven’t shut up about you for days now.” He gestured toward where Ville stood. Emilia noticed that a man that she didn’t recognize stood with both Ville and Jonna and he seemed to be trying to pull Ville away. She looked away from the exchange but her curiosity had been sparked.

“Hopefully they’ve only been saying good things,” she replied with a smile as she glanced at both Linde and Mige who held their hands up defensively.

“Except that one time you stole that book but we don’t hold that against you,” Mige joked, earning a swat from Emilia.

“YOU stole that book you liar.”

“I’m sorry but my impression of you is forever altered by the fact that you stole a book,” the man who played the keyboards said with a wink.

“Great, now see what you guys have done?” Emilia threw her arms up in mock exasperation earning chuckles from everyone. The large man moved forward and extended his hand toward first Emilia and then Essi.

“I’m Mika, otherwise known as Gas, I’m glad to finally meet you.”

“And I’m Janne, but call me Burton,” said the other man as he shook the girls’ hands as well. Essi had just finished introducing herself to the two men when Ville nudged his way into the circle, causing Essi to cut her sentence short upon the interruption. Emilia could have sworn that she heard her sister issue a growl.

“Glad you made it,” Ville said with a genuine smile as he reached for Emilia. She stiffened, unsure whether or not to accept the embrace he offered and so she stood there neither responding nor reacting to him. She remained frozen with all eyes on her, waiting for her move so that they could all release the collective breath they held but her response never came.

She hadn’t expected to have this reaction to him. Once Jonna had revealed herself to Emilia as his new interest she thought that she would have been able to treat Ville with cold indifference. She thought that the cracks that particular revelation had caused in her heart would have steeled her for his inevitable greeting. But she was crumbling beneath the intensity of his gaze and beneath the weight of knowing that she had been right all along – she wouldn’t have been enough for him. She had put it out of her mind for long enough and now she felt as though the pain of it would consume her.

“Guys, you need to go back on,” an older gentleman approached the band and nodded toward the stage where the patrons of the bar had begun to reassemble.

“Sure thing, Seppo,” Gas said as he headed toward the stage. “Enjoy the rest of the show, ladies!”

Burton waved and followed closely after Gas. Mige gave Ville a stern look before he gave Emilia a quick hug and rushed off after his bandmates.

Linde walked away and motioned for Essi to follow him. As soon as they were out of earshot, Linde quickly whispered to Essi as the both of them watched Ville and Emilia, who were still currently engaged in a staring contest and completely oblivious to anything going on around them.

“We still on?” He asked hurriedly, glancing at the activity onstage.

“That depends, is that woman really his girlfriend?” Essi asked as she planted her hands on her hips.

“I don’t think so, if she is then this is the first I’m hearing about it.”

“Well she seems to be under the impression that she is. I’m not about to force my sister into Ville’s twisted love triangle. If he even entertained the idea of being with that other girl then he doesn’t deserve Emilia.”

Linde nodded. “I’ll find out what is going on the second we finish this set, then I’ll let you know. Just don’t leave until you hear from me.” Essi nodded and Linde turned to leave, leaving the elder Mustonen sister to watch the exchange between the two idiots whose relationship she endeavored to save.

“I’m happy for you,” Emilia choked out finally after a few moments had passed once her sister left her side. Ville’s brow furrowed as he searched Emilia’s eyes for the meaning of her statement.

“What are you talking about?”

“You don’t have to hide it, Ville. I know about you and Jonna. I’m happy for you,” she clarified. Her voice sounded like a stranger’s and she could hardly believe the words had escaped her lips. She tried to mean them, really she did. She knew she had no right to the intense feelings of jealousy she now harbored, after all – she had given him up.

“Jonna? Emilia, I think you have the wrong idea…”

“Ville! Out on stage, now!” The older man, Seppo, hissed once more as he gestured toward the stage where the rest of the band was waiting patiently. The crowd had begun to cheer, awaiting Ville, but he’d remained oblivious.

“Go,” Emilia said as she took a step back from Ville. “You don’t want to keep them waiting.”

She watched as he pressed his lips into a thin line and stormed away from her. Essi returned to her side just as he walked away and she felt her sister’s hand slide easily into hers. Emilia closed her eyes tightly, wondering if she had enough strength left in her to endure the remainder of the show.

“You sure you don’t want to hit the bar?” Essi asked quietly, her statement meaning to come out as a joke but she sounded almost exhausted.

“Maybe that’s a good idea.”

The girls made their way toward the hallway that would lead them toward the main area of the bar. The music had begun to play again amidst the cheers from the audience. It took a moment for Emilia to realize that Jonna was nowhere to be found and she looked around curiously for signs of the woman, but she’d seemed to have simply vanished.

“Tonight, we have a treat for you all.” Ville’s voice echoed throughout the surrounding area and caused Emilia to slow her walk as she looked over at him.

“A very dear friend of mine is here tonight and she hasn’t seen us play in years…” he continued on, bringing Emilia to a grinding halt.

“So I thought we’d start the second half of the show by playing a song off the new album that was written nearly a decade ago and inspired largely by her.”

Everyone but Burton stopped playing their instruments and the music he’d been playing suddenly dissolved into a lovely repeating melody. Ville looked over to where Emilia stood and smiled to see her standing there with her mouth hanging open.

The rest of the band picked up the music and Ville turned to face to audience as he waited for the appropriate moment. He knew that this was his only opportunity to show Emilia that he wasn’t going to give up on her so easily.

“I hear you breathe so far from here…I feel your touch so close and real…”

Emilia could practically feel her legs giving out. She should have recognized the melody that Burton played. She’d hummed it for years without really thinking about it. Ville had written it the day her father had died, the day they’d been laying around Ville’s room for hours as she waited impatiently to go to the bookstore.

“You know our sacred dream won’t fail. The sanctuary tender and so frail. The sacrament of love. The sacrament of warmth is true, the sacrament is you…”