Endlessly

Ville was beginning to worry about Emilia.

In the days since her father had been laid to rest, he watched as she retreated further and further into a self imposed solitude. She hardly spoke and rarely took more than a couple of bites of food at meal times. He'd tried bringing her favorite foods to her, hoping to coax more of an appetite from her, but she couldn't be tempted. She looked as though she had been awake for days, though he had watched her sleep on more than a few occasions.

About a week after Niko's death, Ville had come home late from school one day and found Tatiana sitting at his kitchen table. Both his mother and father, Kari, were seated with her and speaking in soft tones. He knew that Jesse would have been eavesdropping, per usual so he opted to climb the stairs and found his brother perched in his usual listening location.

"What's going on?" Ville asked his brother who only smirked. For nine years old, he admired greatly Jesse's propensity for mischief.

He shrugged. "They're just worried about Emilia. Essi too, but it sounds like she's getting back to normal much faster. Their mom doesn't know what to do."

"How long have they been talking?"

"Probably since before I got home. They were already there when I walked in."

Ville nodded and ruffled his brother's hair as he continued on his way to his room. He opened the door and dropped his bag off to the side before picking up the guitar from where he'd left it on his bed. He sat down with it and gently caressed the strings, emitting a soft tune that had been dancing around in his head.

As he played, he reflected on everything that had seemed to go so wrong in the past few weeks. His heart ached for his friend, but more importantly, it ached to do something to make everything better. It wasn't the first time over the last few days he'd wished for an easy answer, something to take her pain away. He just wanted everything to be how it had been before, even if it meant not sharing that precious kiss with Emilia.

He hadn't told anyone about that particular event. He'd only reflected upon it when he was completely alone. The memory, to him, was too pure to be even though about in the presence of others, let alone shared. Neither he nor Emilia had brought it up again, nor repeated the action, not that he'd expected as much, considering her she current state.

"They're coming to talk to you!" Jesse whispered quickly as he poked his head in through the door and retreated quickly to his room before being caught.

Ville broke his reverie and set his guitar aside, waiting for the inevitable arrival of his and Emilia's parents. He wondered at what they could all possibly want with him and he grew slightly concerned that he'd done something for them all to be mad at him over.

Kari stepped in the doorway first, the furrow of his brow immediately setting Ville on edge. His father was usually so relaxed and so to see him as anything but was a dead giveaway that something serious was going on. Anita arrived next with Tatiana in tow, both sharing the same solemn look. Ville unknowingly swallowed hard and shifted in his seat.

"Ville, son..." Kari began uncomfortably. "Ville, I think that it's about time that your mother and I start treating you like the young adult that you are. We want to be able to keep you informed of certain...things."

'Are they trying to have the puberty talk with me again?' Ville wondered, confused as to why Tatiana would be there for such a conversation. He recalled how uncomfortable that particular conversation had been the first time around and had no desire to repeat it in front of both his mother and Emilia's. A realization quite abruptly dawned on him and he began to grow concerned that his parents thought he and Emilia were more involved than they really were.

"Okay..." Ville cautioned, waiting for someone to continue speaking. He attempted to keep his face as impassive as possible.

"Kultaseni, as you know...Emilia isn't exactly...doing well..." Anita started, trying to pick up where her husband left off. Ville waited patiently for someone to get to the point.

"And...?"

"Ville, Emilia's grandmother has been visiting us from Germany, as you know. She's getting on in years and her sons have both now passed," Tatiana picked up, knowing this news was ultimately hers to deliver. She did not relish the idea of such a task, knowing that she was about to break a second heart that day.

"Emilia and her father were so close and that house holds so many memories of him, it seems that it would be almost impossible for her to begin to heal with the constant reminder of his absence. I feel that it may be best for her to finish her education in Germany, where she can help her grandmother and take some time away from Helsinki and her father's memory."

Ville didn't breathe. He didn't blink and he didn't move. He just stared at the three familiar faces that now seemed to belong to strangers and waited for them to tell him that they were joking. They exchanged glances at his lack of response and slowly he began to process that this wasn't a ruse.

This was absolutely what they intended to do. Send Emilia away so that they wouldn't have to deal with her grief. A rage unfamiliar to him began to rise through his being and he clenched his fists in his lap in order to contain some of it.

"What the fuck do you mean? You're really sending her away because she's upset? Of course she's upset! Her fucking dad just died!"

"Son, calm down..." Kari stepped forward to put his hand on his son's shoulder. Ville tossed it off and stood to stare them all down.

"No! What she needs is to be here. With us, with the people who know her and love her and can get her through this!"

"Ville, we wanted to tell you so that you could help Emilia understand why this is best for her. She just doesn't see that right now," Tatiana said quietly. Ville just looked at his parents with a look of utter betrayal for having been involved in and approving such a reprehensible solution.

"We know you care for her Ville, but she'll be back once she finishes school. Barely more than a year," Anita reasoned. He scoffed.

"Please try to understand, son. This may be what's best for her," Kari said as he turned and left. He had no taste for conversations such as these. He hated to watch his child hurt and more importantly, he hated to be the one to help cause it. Out of the corner of his eye he watched a small figure duck down. He gave a stern glance to Jesse, who had been listening from his doorway and watched with exasperation as his youngest son retreated into his doorway.

"I can't understand why you're giving up on her. It's barely been two weeks."

Tatiana took Ville's hands in her own and gripped them tightly. "I know that you're mad. And I know that you think we're giving up. I love my daughter, you know that. But I'm afraid for her, I'm afraid for her health, and I'm afraid for her stability. She holds everything in and doesn't like to let anyone see her be what she perceives as weak. She'll hold onto this until it breaks her, you know that."

He pursed his lips, not denying the truth of what she said. He admired greatly Emilia's strength, but with that strength came a certain degree of bullheadedness when it came to asking others for help when she clearly needed it.

"She just needs time to regroup, to gather her strength again and to process everything that has happened to her. You're the only one she lets in, dear. The only person besides her father that I've ever seen her fully let her guard down with. It pains me to say that as her mother, but she and I are too alike for her to consider anything I say with any seriousness at this point."

"So you want me to lie to her and tell her I think she should go." He didn't think he could do it. To willingly ask her to go away when he promised her he'd be there no matter what.

"We ask that you put aside your feelings and think about the best course for her." Tatiana released her hold on his hands and stepped away from him as she spoke. It was a low blow that she'd dealt and he could tell by the look on her face that she regretted needing to resort to such tactics.

One year. He would be without her for one whole year and then she'd be back in Helsinki where she belonged. It seemed a small price to pay for her happiness. But for only having known her for two years, she already seemed to be a fixture in his life he could not do without.

"We're not suggesting that you have to do this. I just ask that you consider it. She values your input, it may be the push she needs to accept the help."

He nodded once and Tatiana offered him a small smile and left, leaving him alone with his mother. She tried to give her son an encouraging smile, but gave up and hugged him tightly.

"I know you love her, as we all do. But please consider helping Tatiana out. She's struggling herself, she needs our support."

"I just don't want her to go away. I promised..."

Anita reached up to plant a kiss on his forehead. "She'll understand, darling. And it's not forever, remember that." He nodded and watched his mother's hand rub his arm reassuringly. He closed his eyes tightly and held in a breath to try and calm his nerves.

After his mother left his room, he closed the door and locked it. He sat himself back down with his guitar and tried absently to pick up the melody he'd been working on, but it had molded itself into something new and somber. He set the guitar aside and cradled his head in his hands.

He thought back to laying with Emilia in the very bed he now occupied and wished himself back to that moment, when holding her in his arms had been his only reality. If everything worked out the way that Tatiana wanted, he wouldn't have that, perhaps ever again if she met someone else during her time away. She'd be gone and he wouldn't be able to even see her face in his window as he did at this very moment. Startled from his thoughts, he jumped up and opened it for her to crawl through.

"You could have used the door." He said as she righted herself and adjusted her sweater.

She shrugged and tried to give him a small smile but it died almost as soon as it began. "My mother is still downstairs. I've been waiting forever for her to leave so I could come in."

"Are you fighting again?" He asked, taking his seat again and allowing enough room for her to join him. She sat down and he took a moment to notice how sunken her cheeks had become and how tired her eyes seemed.

"She wants me to go to Germany with my grandma. She's having a harder time getting around after she broke her hip over the summer and I guess all of a sudden she now needs the help," she exaggerated the last part showing her disbelief at the reasoning. He didn't quite know how to react - unsure whether or not he should alert her to the fact he already knew all about it.

"They talked to you didn't they?" She guessed and it was all he could do to nod.

She sat quietly for a moment, biting her lip. He didn't miss how pale they seemed before she caused a flush of color with her nervous habit. Tatiana was right, she wasn't doing well. Maybe he'd ignored it before or maybe it hadn't escalated to a point where he could have discerned it until now but she wasn't healthy. His worry deepened with the realization.

'Can I do this?' He thought desperately as she waited for his response. His heart was clamoring around in his chest and he was certain she could discern the change in his demeanor.

"Maybe it would..." he breathed deeply, trying to control the tremor in his voice. "Maybe it would be a good idea to get away for a little while..."

She turned to him with a look of betrayal blatant on her face. He shied away from it, unable to take the intensity of her gaze.

'Well her temper certainly hasn't been affected by all this.' He thought sourly as he waited for the barrage of fury.

"What the hell do you mean?" She exclaimed. "Mum just wants to send me away because now that dad's gone we don't have a buffer for our fights."

"Em, I don't think that's it..."

"Of course it is! Don't be stupid."

He winced. "I think she's just worried about you. We all are..."

"Oh, so you're on her side now?"

Ville sighed and resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose as he was often driven to when she was being stubborn. Emilia hated it, especially if they were in the middle of a disagreement; she felt it was patronizing.

"There are no sides, Emilia. You aren't well, look at you. You never eat, you haven't had a proper night of sleep in who knows how long. You're not coping with your loss."

Her lips pursed into a thin line and she cast a dark glance at the floor as he continued. He reached out and took her hand which she reluctantly relinquished to him.

"I can't help you, hell knows I've tried. Maybe going to Germany will help you heal. I know it's scary and moving to a new country is probably the scariest thing I can think of but you're so strong, Em. I think it's the what you need."

Her lip trembled slightly and she quickly recovered herself. "So you want me to go." A statement, not a question and he suddenly feared he'd worded everything incorrectly as to make her think he didn't want her around.

"That's not it and you know it."

"So tell me what you think, without parroting my mother please."

"I think you want to go and don't want to admit it."

She was struck by his bluntness and found that she couldn't quite deny her desire to go. She looked at their hands, wrapped tightly together and realized that the only reason she'd fought her mother so hard on this was sitting right next to her.

She didn't know if she was in love with him, but she did love him. She loved him as her best friend, as her confidante, as the only person she trusted with everything. He ultimately knew her better than she knew herself sometimes, as reflected in the particular conversation they were currently engaged in. She knew she needed to go, that she needed to be away from the place that reopened wounds too fresh and too deep to heal.

But how could she leave the best friend she'd ever known?

His thumb gently stroked her hand, he too looked at their joined hands. She felt hot tears pricking her eyes and wondered at how she was able to continue their production after the last few days.

"A year until school is done for me. So much can happen in a year. I'll miss all your shows and your graduation..."

"Let's be honest here, I'm likely not graduating..." Ville interrupted and she gave him a sharp look.

"The point is that I would miss so much, Ville. I doubt I'll make any friends there, I'm not any good at that..."

"You found us." He replied, referring to Mige, Linde and himself.

"Being a creep and walking by a thousand times until you invite me to watch your rehearsal is hardly 'finding' you guys. I'm lucky you didn't report me to the police for stalking."

"We wouldn't have done that," he paused and gave her a cheeky grin. "Harassment more likely."

She nudged him and felt the first real smile she'd had in days cross her face. "Again, you're missing the point."

"Kulta," he started as he took her other hand and shifted so that he could look her square in the eyes. "You're amazing and you're smart and you're funny and you'll make plenty of friends. Good judgement isn't reserved for just us Finns, you know. The right people will find you and then when it's time to come home you'll have this same conversation with another devilishly handsome musician you've just happened to creep out enough to want to be your friend."

She laughed as tears filled her eyes once more. "As though you're so easily replaceable."

He shrugged. "I'm always only a phone call away. I promised you I'd always be here and here I'll stay until you come back to me."

Her tears tumbled down her cheeks as she resigned herself to the fact that he was right. She did need this. And she would survive it, against all of her previous notions. With a long ragged breath, she nodded. He knew her decision had been made and he drew her gently into his arms as she folded herself within them.

"I'll miss you most of all," she murmured into his chest and he pressed his lips into her hair, forever smelling of coconut.

"I'll miss you more."