Endlessly

It had taken several days to make all of the necessary arrangements for Emilia's departure to Germany. She would take a train with her grandmother all the way there as her grandmother absolutely refused to get on a plane. A careening metal death trap as she'd referred to them which abruptly ended that conversation. It would be a long journey that would take place over two days and she began to deeply regret her decision.

"Just bring plenty of books. She's old, she'll probably sleep the whole way anyway," Linde reasoned from where he sat on the floor of her bedroom, surrounded by various articles of clothing she was boxing up to be sent to her grandmother's home ahead of their arrival. He messily folded another t-shirt and ultimately dropped it into the bottom of a box without care for wrinkling it.

"Doubtful, she's a light sleeper."

Emilia hated to be in such a sour mood, especially when her friends had taken the day off from rehearsing to help her pack up some of her things, something that they wouldn't do for just anyone. She did notice however that Ville hadn't said a word as he carefully packed her favorite books and tapes. In fact, he'd been curiously quiet since the preparations had been made - even more so after Emilia showed up at school the day prior to formally withdraw and collect her things.

"Well we will pray for your sanity and your grandmother's wellbeing. Don't strangle her," Mige said with a chuckle.

Emilia sighed as she thought about her grandma. It wasn't that Ilsa Mustonen was a mean or terrible person, it was that she was very set in her ways and had a very decided opinion, as well should a woman of her 77 years. She liked to have things just so and wouldn't tolerate anything other than 'her' way, which could be incredibly frustrating in the correct circumstances.

Such as any time she set foot in Tatiana's household.

"Yes, please try not to kill grandma." Essi's voice sounded from the doorway as she moved to join the gathering. She stopped in front of the box Linde was packing and gave him a disapproving look as she took in the sight of the heap of clothing. He gave her a slight smirk and more carefully folded and placed the sweater in his hands.

"I won't hurt or otherwise maim her," Emilia said with a roll of her eyes. Honestly, the idea that she would attack her own grandmother...

The five of them packed silently for a few moments, Ville keeping his gaze lowered to the floor. He could hardly get out of his mind that Emilia would be leaving the following afternoon. He'd thought he'd adequately steeled himself against the inevitable pain that her departure would bring but with every second it seemed to weigh him down a little more.

He had wanted to make her last night in Helsinki memorable, not spending it folding her laundry and wrapping her picture frames in newspaper. He wanted her to not miss out on anything while she was here but the gig he'd tried to line up for the evening had fallen through and so here they sat, in her room and packing away her memories.

Furtively, he raised his gaze to look upon her. She was frowning at a stain she'd discovered on a skirt and threw it down in the pile of things she'd decided to leave behind. She had begun to take meals over the past couple of days, more or less to appease him and he knew as much but progress was progress. Her coloring was a little better and she had gained a little weight back but still, there was a dimness in her eyes that he just couldn't ignore. Once again, he found himself chanting his newfound mantra in his head.

'It's only a year... it's only a year...'

"Hey I have an idea, why don't you guys go out and do something fun. I can finish up here," Essi said as she snatched yet another shirt from Linde's hands. She was very clearly irritated by his lack of commitment to neatly folded laundry.

"I have so much left to pack up..." Emilia began to protest and look around the room.

"I think I can handle boxing up every band tee and black article of clothing you own," Essi answered mockingly. Emilia flashed a rude hand gesture which only caused everyone else to chuckle.

"Come on, Em. Let's go. You shouldn't be spending your last day here with us cooped up in your room. Maybe you can even coax Ville to stop being a pod person and enjoy it with you." Mige gave Ville a very pointed look as he said the last bit, startling Ville into the present.

"Fuck off."

Emilia sighed and looked around at the pleading faces and lastly at Ville's blank one. She felt her heartstrings tug and she set down the picture she held in her hand. He needed this last night out almost as much as she did, she realized.

"You're sure you want to do this?" She cautioned, looking at her sister. Essi tossed her long blonde hair over her shoulder.

"Please, I'm the master of organization. This will be fun for me."

Emilia bit down on her lip and nodded, earning cheers from at least one side of the room. The boys quickly finished with whatever they had in their hands, Linde earning one final scornful look from Essi as he tossed a wadded up pair of jeans into the box.

Ville set down the stack of tapes he was sifting through and moved to join the group as they exited Emilia's room. He gave a nod of thanks to Essi who gave him a sympathetic smile in return. He hated the look of pity that crossed her face. Shouldn't he have it for her? After all, she had just lost her father and now her sister was moving far away. He marveled at the stark difference between the two sisters and found himself wishing, as he had many times, that their roles had been reversed. He knew it was one of the most selfish things he could have wanted, the suffering of another human, but his desire to keep Emilia in Finland was too strong.

Once gathered outside with the group, Emilia shoved her hands in her pockets and headed in the direction of Ville's house. They all gathered there by default when they had nothing better to do, sometimes without even having a set plan to do so.

"Everyone looks so fucking gloomy."

Mige's voice broke the silence and she stopped and turned to look at him with an eyebrow raised. He clapped a hand on Ville's back as he continued.

"Rule for the night: we are going to act like tomorrow isn't coming. We're going to have fun and we are going to fucking like it!"

Linde looked back at Emilia and Ville and gave them each a pointed look. "Agreed."

With a deep sigh, Ville kicked a rock. Mige was right, he needed to cheer up not only for his own sake but for Emilia's. He didn't want her to take on his sadness in addition to his own as he knew she would absolutely do.

"You're right, sorry guys." Ville pulled a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket and fumbled for a lighter. If nothing else he needed to calm himself.

"So, what will we do?" Emilia asked as she pulled a spare lighter she always kept from her pocket. Ville could never find his lighter, so she came prepared. He took it with a grateful chuckle.

"Same thing we always do on Tuesday nights. Get a few beers, order some pizza, and play music in the garage." Mige said as though it were completely obvious. They all nodded in clear agreement.

"I'll go get the beers." Mige took off down the street without another word.

"And I'll go get the pizza, you two go hang out and try to cheer the fuck up before we get back," Linde gave Ville another pointed look and then gave the same to Emilia before he took off after Mige.

"It's like they're trying to tell us something but it's just far too subtle," Emilia said sarcastically and Ville couldn't help but smile.

"He's right though, I don't want your last memories of me to be sad ones," Ville threw an arm around her shoulders as they continued on toward his house.

"You keep doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Acting like I'm going to be gone forever."

He threw his cigarette on the ground and snuffed it out with the toe of his shoe. "I don't mean to. A year is just a long time. Like you said, a lot can happen in a year."

"Well just don't go off and get a record deal before I can watch you sign it. And if you have to go and do that at least stop in Berlin when you go off on tour."

"Deal." He smirked and they crossed the street to reach his house. He released his hold on her to open the door and allow her in before himself. Jesse jumped up from where he sat on the faded blue couch and released his hold on Ville's old bass guitar. Emilia winced when it slid from the couch to the floor.

"Jesse what have I told you?" Ville said sternly, clearly restraining his irritation for Emilia's sake.

"Not to touch your guitars unless I want to take learning seriously," Jesse recited as though it were an oath.

"And so what are you doing?"

"I think that I've finally found my muse and-" Ville abruptly cut off Jesse's mocking tone.

"Out!"

Jesse smirked devilishly and gave a low five to Emilia who furtively held her hand out for him as he ran by. Ville gave her a disapproving look and she tried to bite her lip to hide her amused grin.

"You only have yourself to blame, he learned it all from you as far as I understand," Emilia told him as she folded herself in her usual spot at the end of the couch. It had been the only place that seemed to be free of stains from spilled beverages, foods, or other...things and she'd claimed it as hers on the first day she'd been invited in to the garage.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time."

She laughed and curled herself against Ville once he sat down next to her. He set his bass down more gently than his brother had and leaned his head against Emilia's.

It was easy in this moment to pretend that she wouldn't be leaving the following day. Everything seemed as it normally did but for the sense of impending sadness at the edge of her mind. She released a breath she hadn't realized that she'd been holding. As much as they wanted to make it seem like she wasn't going, she was. She worried still about missing opportunities here in Helsinki and missing out on memories to be shared with her friends and family.

"Ville?"

"Hm?"

"You'll call me right? And write me letters?"

"Of course."

"I don't want you to leave out any details. I want to know all about the new songs you write and the shows you play and the questionable decisions you make with your love life," she chuckled as she said the last bit. Truthfully, she was well aware of the fact that any girls he may have attracted by being in a band were usually turned away by her constant presence at their side.

It had been something that all of the boys never quite let her stop hearing about.

"Please, I hardly think my love life is worthy of writing about."

"Ville, that's all you write about."

"Yeah, in my songs. Not to my long lost best friend who is off traipsing around Germany with her own questionable decisions," he said with a raised eyebrow, challenging her.

"You know I'm not that kind of girl, Vil."

"Well you know what they say about living abroad, really helps you to open up and broaden your horizons. Have an awakening of sorts."

She swatted him at his implications. "An awakening?"

He couldn't help the grin that spread across his face. "Yeah, you know. A sexual awakening."

Emilia's jaw dropped at his brazen comment and he erupted into a fit of laughter at her reaction.

"What's so funny?" Mige asked as he walked through the door juggling various beverages. Emilia jumped up to help him before he dropped anything.

"Emilia is going to have a sexual awakening while living in Germany," Ville said very seriously as Mige handed him a drink. Emilia shoved him as she returned to her seat.

"Good for you, Em. It's about time," Mige said as he sat in the arm chair in the corner.

"Has this been a subject of conversation for you all when I'm not around?" Emilia asked looking at already guilty faces.

"We just wondered why you've never had a boyfriend. Not like no one has ever asked you out," Mige replied.

"I'm just not interested in those guys," she answered as she took a sip of her drink. "Besides, there's all sorts of pressure to give it up and I don't want to do that with just anybody."

"Fair enough," Ville said as he set his empty bottle down and reached for another. Emilia frowned at how quickly he'd knocked that drink back.

With impressive timing, per usual, Linde entered carrying two pizzas and set them on the table in front of everyone. Emilia grabbed a slice and offered it to Ville who declined indicating the drink in his hand. Her frown deepened when she realized he planned on getting very drunk tonight.

"So shall we play your favorites tonight?" Linde asked Emilia as he flopped down on the end of the couch opposite herself.

"There's no drummer," she pointed out.

"Ville can play."

"Then yes please," she nodded happily and settled herself into her seat. Mige stuffed the piece of pizza he'd been consuming in his mouth and rose to grab his own bass from where he'd left it. Linde got up to get his own guitar as well and they all looked to Ville expectantly as he slowly got up and headed to the drums in back.

Once all were settled, Linde began playing the opening riff to a song they'd been working on. It was easy now to act like Emilia wasn't leaving the next day. The four friends just hanging out as they always did, though Ville's mood still had a sour note to it, made it so much easier for her to forget everything that had happened in the past few weeks.

The boys played well into the night, stopping now and then for pizza breaks or drink exchanges. The mood was light and the conversation flowed easily, as it always did and Emilia was so grateful for it.

Around eleven, Kari came outside to kick everyone out for the evening as he had to be up for work the next day. Finally the somber mood settled around them again after having been kept at bay long enough. They all looked at each other and took a collective deep breath.

"So you're leaving at one, right?" Linde asked.

Emilia nodded. "One," she confirmed.

"Well we will be there first thing in the morning to make you breakfast," he replied as he gathered her into his arms. She hugged him tightly and tried to swallow the lump that had gathered in her throat.

"No crying, yet," Mige told her sternly as she was passed off to him for a hug. "You're not gone yet."

She nodded and took a shaky breath to calm herself. "You're right," she tried to give a small smile to reassure him as she spoke. He nodded once in acceptance.

"Bright and early," he reiterated as he followed Linde out the door and closed it softly behind himself.

Emilia turned to look at Ville. He tried to give her a smile but it never quite touched his eyes. He was a little drunk, playing the drums had slowed his consumption significantly.

"I'm not ready to leave you yet," she whispered.

Ville's heart jolted in his chest and he closed his eyes. "I'm not ready either."

He felt her arms wrap around his thin body and he wrapped his own around hers as she buried her face in his chest. He felt a tremor run through her as she wept softly, trying to conceal the fact from him. Rubbing small circles over her back, he kissed the top of her head and tried to soothe her by gently singing.
Emilia looked up at him and wiped away a tear. Biting her lip, he could see her struggling for words as a decision ran through her mind.

"Ville?"

"Yes?"

"Remember what I said earlier about..."

He could sense her nervousness but her vague question left him confused. "About what, Em?"

"About...not wanting to do that with just anyone..."

His heart definitely stopped, he was sure of it. "Yeah?"

"Well I just...I..."

He knew what she asked of him now without her needing to say it, just as she hoped he would. She avoided his gaze now, fearing his response.

"Are you sure, kulta?"

She'd never been more sure of anything in her whole life. She nodded and looked up into his eyes. He brought a finger below her chin so he could bring her mouth to his. Hovering just slightly, she could feel his ragged breath before she closed the distance and kissed him softly.

He could hardly believe this was happening. He deepened their kiss and she opened her mouth to him willingly, though he could feel her shaking with nervousness. Trying to calm her nerves, he took one of her hands in his and laced their fingers together. Relaxing slightly, she moved with him toward the door.

"Where are we going?" She asked, breaking their kiss for only a moment.

"If you think I'd let this happen on that couch, you're sorely mistaken. You really don't want to know about what Mige and Linde have done to it."

She grimaced and he laughed as he led her outside and toward the house. She grew alarmed at the thought of this happening with his whole family still in the house.

"Ville..." she cautioned and he squeezed her hand.

"They're asleep. And we'll be quiet."

She nodded, trusting him completely. They crept through the house until they reached his bedroom and he locked the door behind them. She trembled, more visibly now, and he moved to take her into his arms. She relaxed a little, but could hardly control herself.

"Kulta, if you're not ready that's okay," he said gently in her ear. Emilia paused and tried to think objectively for a moment. All she could remember was the day that Essi had come into her bedroom and told her that she'd lost her virginity a week prior and hadn't heard from that boy since. She'd been devastated. And here now, on the eve of her departure, Emilia stood wrapped in the arms of her best friend who was more than willing to stop all of this right now if she wasn't comfortable.

Determined now, more than ever, she took Ville's face between her hands and brought his mouth to hers. This was his, she realized, and she couldn't risk having what happened to Essi happen to her.

Ville kissed her hungrily, allowing two years of unrequited attraction to come forth. She moaned just a little into his mouth and it was nearly enough to undo him. He couldn't count the times he wished he had the guts to tell her how he felt, but he didn't want to ruin the dynamic that existed between all of them. Suffering with it had been the better alternative, but now he kicked himself for waiting at all.

He stripped off his shirt, allowing her gaze to travel over him. She'd seen him shirtless before, but now in this context, she allowed herself to fully appreciate what she saw. He brought his hands to the end of her t-shirt, paused a moment to allow her to object if she wanted, then pulled it over her head. Taking her in one arm, laying her gently on his bed, he undid the button on his jeans and slid those off as well. She wiggled out of her jeans as he laid down next to her.

Beginning to get nervous now, his eyes roamed over her nearly naked body. His breath hitched as she moved to take her bra off. He brought his lips to hers as she removed it, unsure whether or not he could handle this. While by no means had he never been with another girl, he had never been with one he'd desired for so long. The reality outweighed the fantasy tenfold and he could barely believe it.

Shaking hands roamed over the gentle curves of her body. He teased her as she moaned softly. She seemed to be relaxing, giggling once when they bumped heads, and he found that he was able to relax as well.

When the moment finally had come and they'd both shed their remaining articles of clothing, Ville moved on top of her and waited. She blushed when she felt him brush against her upper thigh. His breathing had grown shallow but still he took one of her hands in his.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded and kissed him softly as he slowly slid himself inside her. She winced, feeling the pressure, and he stopped moving until she nodded for him to continue. He held onto her hand the entire time.

"I love you, you know that right?"

Her words stopped him and he met her blue eyes. He bent to kiss her and she moved her hips against his, causing him to emit a low groan.

Emilia didn't want him to answer. If he mimicked her sentiments she would never have been able to leave and she knew in her heart that it was what she needed. She instead coaxed him into continuing, reaching her mouth to nibble softly at the base of his neck which caused a slight increase in his speed. He was being gentle with her, not wanting to hurt or push her too far for which she was immensely grateful.

Once they'd finished, Ville wrapped her into his arms with her head resting on his chest. They both breathed heavily, Emilia trying to contain all of the emotions that were wrapped up inside. Tears pricked her eyes, but not for regret at what just happened, but for the fact that it had been all that she'd hoped. Yeah, it had some awkward moments but it had been perfect in that way too. Ville snuggled her closer and kissed the top of her head.

"No regrets?" He asked.

"No regrets." She tilted her head to kiss him, relishing in the feeling of his lips on hers.

"So tomorrow..." he began.

"Today," she corrected quietly taking note of the time.

Ville sighed in response. "This doesn't mean that you're really going to go off and find my German counterpart now that I've opened the floodgates, right?"

She smacked him in the chest. "Ville!" She hissed and he only laughed.

"Kidding, jeesh."

"You're ridiculous."

They lay together, enjoying their time wrapped in each other's arms and knowing that once dawn broke their time would be up.

"So you'll write. And call."

"Maybe even come home for Christmas if I can convince my mum," she replied.

"Oh I'll be at your house trying to convince her of that at least a hundred times a day." Emilia laughed softly at him and closed her eyes.

"Em, what you said earlier..."

"Yeah?" She inhaled deeply, bracing herself.

"Me too." She released her breath, smiling, and laced her fingers with his as he drew small circles over her back.

As they lay there, Ville reflected briefly on the things that had occurred so rapidly over the last month or so. Watching one of his best friends lose her father and lose herself had been harder than he'd expected. Telling her that he thought she needed to leave to find herself again had been even harder. But in light of all of the bad things that had happened, here and lying in his arms was the one silver lining.

In one year, she would return. In one year they could pick up where they left off and this time he would not hold his feelings for her back. She needed to know she was loved and he would be damned if he'd fail in that regard again.