Endlessly

The city streets of Helsinki seemed now to be both familiar and foreign to Emilia as she meandered down paths that she might have once been able to follow blindfolded. The city, it seemed, had forgotten her as well. Places she'd once loved were now closed or owned by strangers. She gave a grimace as she walked past the bookstore she used to frequent and found it to be transformed into a small coffee shop.

Nothing, it seemed, remained the same forever.

It had been at least three years now since Emilia had last returned to Finland. While her stay in Berlin had only been intended to be a year, Ilsa and her health had other plans. Her grandmother had insisted she go home; that she would hire someone to help her, but Emilia couldn't leave Ilsa in the hands of some stranger. Not when her grandmother had done so much for her.

The extended leave from Finland couldn't be blamed purely on Ilsa, however. Although she'd scarcely admit it to anyone other than her sister, the overwhelming absence of a certain trio had affected Emilia more than she cared to admit.

Four years passed before her studies at a local university and her grandmother's health allowed Emilia to come home for the holidays for the first time. She'd kept in touch with Ville, Linde, and Mige for the first two years almost religiously. But then, slowly and then all at once, their correspondence stopped and the phone calls went unreturned. Emilia had been devastated.

She'd made excuses for them at first. Their band had broken up and gotten back together, various girls traipsed in and out of their lives, and she knew she couldn't reasonably expect them to drop everything to talk to her when she was homesick. But then the excuses gave was to anger and then to resentment as the length of their silence grew longer. She was upset by Ville's lack of communication most of all, considering everything that had happened before she left.

When she'd come home in the winter of 1996, the first thing she did after meeting her mother's new boyfriend, was to run to the Valo household and track her old friends down. What she'd found was not the eldest Valo boy, but a significantly taller and slightly more awkward Jesse. In a strange twist of fate, he revealed that the boys were all in Germany, recording their first album. While immensely happy for them, she was deeply disappointed that they weren't home for the holidays. The remainder of her break seemed somehow more dreary with that particular cloud hanging over her.

She returned twice more in hopes that she'd catch them but she had no such luck. By 1999 she had grown convinced that fate deemed that she'd never see them again and she decided to stay out of Helsinki for a while. After all, leaving had healed her wounds once. Maybe now it would heal these new ones as well.

She returned only once forced to by Ilsa's passing. It had not been unexpected, Ilsa had long been in a state of decline. She'd had time to make her wishes known that she was to be buried beside her sons and husband in Finland and that Emilia was to receive a large portion of her estate for her role as caretaker.

Now, as she made her way home from the cemetery where both her father and now grandmother had been laid to rest, Emilia mulled over the decision she'd been turning over and over in her mind for days now.

To leave Finland once again and return to the home in Berlin that Ilsa had left her, or to stay with her remaining family.

As though on cue, Emilia's phone chirped within her jacket pocket. She sighed and accepted the call without looking, knowing already who was on the other end.

"Essi, you can't expect me to have an answer for you thirty minutes after you ask me to make a life changing decision."

"I don't, I'm just trying to make your choice easier. Wait a second."

Essi had asked Emilia to come and live with her instead of going back to Berlin. Ilsa had left the house they'd shared, among other things, to Emilia so she had no reason not to go back. Her life was there now. However, Essi clearly had a very different opinion on the matter.

"Auntie Em!"

Emilia cringed. It was a low blow that Essi had dragged her son into this matter. Osku was a bright three year old little boy with blonde curls and his mother's beautiful blue eyes. His birth had been the only thing to break Emilia's will and cause her return to Helsinki. She'd fallen in love with him and while it killed her to not be home to watch him grow, she couldn't quite bring herself to return.

Now, however, was a different story. Her will had broken and she found herself all but helpless to the little boys charms.

"How's my favorite nephew?" Emilia cooed into the phone, knowing full well her sister was coaching her son on what to say.

"Good, but will you come live with us? Mama says you will if I'm real good and clean up my toys and so I did!"

She sighed heavily, hating her sister very much in that moment. "We'll see little one. Auntie has some grown up things to take care of first."

There was a brief shuffle on the other end of the line before her sister's voice returned to the conversation. "So what do you think?"

"That you're a sociopath."

"Come on! It would be so great, just me and you and Osku. You've been away so long and Gram is gone now, what's keeping you in Berlin?"

"I have a life and friends there. I've been gone from Finland so long and there are so many people here I'd rather avoid."

"You mean you want to avoid Ville. Look, Helsinki is a big city and they're off traveling the world now. The chances of you running into them here are as good as if you stayed in Germany. Your family is here and we'd like to have you back."

"You'd like to have me back," Emilia corrected with a roll of her eyes as she considered her mother for the briefest of moments.

"Mama is just high off her new marriage, she'll calm down eventually."

"Like she was supposed to calm down after the first guy? No she's lost her mind, I'm quite convinced."

Tatiana had mourned the loss of her husband as gracefully as she could. Rightfully so, however, she'd grown quite lonely after he'd passed and Emilia had gone. Once Essi had left for university, Tatiana was then left all alone in that big house. She'd dated only a few men seriously, ultimately marrying the last one, but she'd seemed to have suffered more than one identity crisis along the way. The first guy had been a bit of an outdoorsman and Emilia didn't think she'd ever get over the first Christmas she'd returned home and found her mother opening a crossbow on Christmas morning. The woman had been a vegetarian nearly all of her adult life.

"You're probably right. But still, think of little Osku. He'd love to have Auntie Em around all the time."

"Please don't encourage him to continue calling me that. I don't even really like 'The Wizard of Oz.'"

Her sister laughed. "Okay if I ban the use of that name in this household will you please stay?"

Emilia groaned. Essi was relentless. "Give me the night to think it over."

"Fair enough, but I will be knocking on the door of your hotel room at the crack of dawn to move your things into my place."

Emilia laughed at her sister's overconfidence. "See you then."

Hanging up the phone, Emilia placed it back in her pocket and carried on her journey. Truth be told, her decision was already nearly made but she could hardly admit defeat that easily. Besides, ultimately her decision rested upon what happened once she'd reached her destination.

She hadn't quite realized where her feet were taking her until about halfway through her conversation with Essi. Habits, it seemed, were hard to break. As she jogged across the street, holding her jacket more tightly around her to keep it from flying open, she took in the familiarity of her surroundings.

It had been years since she'd last walked down this road and yet she still remembered every crack in the sidewalk and every building she passed as though it had been yesterday. While she had been back in Helsinki now for nearly a week, she had successfully avoided this area at all costs. Now, she just needed to get the nagging curiosity from her system.

The Valo house looked as it always had, save for new vehicles in the driveway. Anita's trinkets still decorated the lawn and the one window in the garage door remained broken from the time that Mige had thrown a drumstick too far. She smiled at the memory, though Kari had screamed a few choice words at the bunch of them, going so far as to ban band practices for two weeks.

Emilia's decision to try one last time to reconnect with her old friends had been one that she'd tossed around for around for a few days before she realized that there was no real choice. While mad at them, she needed some type of closure. She just wanted to understand why they'd so suddenly abandoned her - from Ville in particular. She crossed the road to the house and wandered up the familiar path.

Her heart pounded within her chest as she looked at the front door, debating on whether or not she should knock or turn back. Suddenly, she was unsure whether or not she could handle the things she was about to undertake.

Apparently her decision would be made for her.

The door flew open and Anita's face appeared from the other side. She held a hand to her chest and a wide grin was plastered across her face. It had been ten years since she'd last seen the woman she'd often called her 'other mother' and having her standing there in the flesh was almost too overwhelming.

"Emilia Katariina Mustonen! You get over here and hug me this instant!"

Emilia immediately fell into Anita's arms, inhaling her familiar scent that reminded her so much of feeling home. The woman embraced her tightly before releasing her and ushering her inside.

"You're in big trouble, young lady. I don't know who you think you are, not even bothering to stay in touch after all these years," Anita scolded playfully as she led Emilia to the kitchen. She offered the chair that Emilia had always occupied during meal times when she'd stayed there and Emilia settled herself in comfortably. Assimilating herself was almost too easy.

"I know, I'm sorry. It's just, well, I had a lot going on and I wasn't sure if you wanted to hear from me..."

Anita cast a dark look in Emilia's direction. "Why wouldn't I?"

Emilia shrugged. "I just...the boys stopped talking to me so I didn't know if something had...changed..."

Anita produced the kettle of hot water she always kept on the warmer and set it on a cast iron plate that was in its usual place in the middle of the table. She sighed after hearing Emilia's words.

"That son of mine, I swear..."

"No, no don't be mad at him. It's my own fault that I let my hurt feelings get in the way of my relationships with everyone else. I'm sorry."

Gratefully, she accepted the teacup that was now placed before her and watched as hot water was poured into it. She selected a bag of green tea from the case that Anita had provided and allowed her beverage to steep.

"No need to apologize. What's done is done. However, do remind me to have a little chat with my eldest son," Anita sat down in the chair across from Emilia and prepared her own drink. "Now, please...tell me what you've been up to these last few years."



As Emilia and Anita got up to date on the last decade, Ville Valo sat curled up in the back seat of a van whose durability was seriously questionable. He looked around at his band mates, all in various states of exhaustion following their long flight first from America to Germany and then the drive from Germany to Estonia for a quick show and then finally home to Finland. It had been a whirlwind year, following the release of their third album and the beginnings of work on their fourth. He was proud of this album, much more than he had been the last, and had been nearly impossible to pull from the studio.

The promise of home had ultimately proven too compelling to stay away for much longer, however, and now that he was mere hours away from his own bed he was beginning to grow antsy.

"How's Mariam doing?" Mige broke the silence after Linde's conversation with his girlfriend had ended, rather loudly.

"She's pregnant and uncomfortable and blames me for it. How do you think?" Linde retorted from the front seat. In cramped quarters, it would have been near impossible for all of them to miss how that conversation had progressed.

"Well, I mean, technically she isn't wrong." Mige immediately held his jacket up to protect himself from the inevitable projectile that would be aimed his way. Linde launched an empty soda can at Mige's head.

"Just four months more," Gas reminded gently as he dodged the ricochet of the can off Mige's coat.

"Thank the gods for that!" Linde muttered.

Ville chuckled and shook his head as he returned his stares to the scenery that whizzed by. It was obvious that Burton was anxious to return home, based upon the speed he was currently doing. Ville could barely make out the details of houses they passed by.

Homecoming had always been somewhat bittersweet for Ville, this past year especially. Once he and his former girlfriend, Susanna, had split up there had been no one waiting for him at home. No one to wake up next to anyway, as his parents were always over eager for his return. As he thought of Susanna, a familiar ache seized his heart but soon faded. They'd been apart for almost a year, but he still missed her. He still felt terrible about the way things had ended, but he couldn't blame her for leaving either. Time had healed, as it always did, but he missed companionship and she had been the first overwhelming presence in his life that filled that void.

'Second.' Ville corrected himself, although the first had never quite culminated in the relationship he'd hoped for.

He found himself thinking of Emilia more often lately, wondering where she was and if she was happy. No doubt with a family of her own somewhere in Germany. He cringed inwardly at the thought but resolved to be happy for her if such was the case. Of course, he had no way of knowing as he'd ended contact with her years ago.

A decision he'd regretted, but at the time it had been necessary.

After his split with Susanna, Ville often considered contacting her again but he also knew her. He knew she'd be pissed that he'd taken off without a word and that he'd forced his friends to do the same. He'd broken too many promises to her and he very much doubted she'd ever forgive him for it. He'd once run into her sister, Essi, when she'd been very pregnant. Well, more correctly, he had seen her at the end of the street he'd been walking down and immediately ducked into an alleyway to avoid her seeing him. He didn't know how far Emilia's fury would extend and the last thing he needed was a pregnant woman yelling at him in the streets of Helsinki.

Ville sighed heavily. He missed her terribly, despite everything. He would give just about anything to see her one more time, even just to explain everything that had happened. Then, if she chose, she could go on living her life without him and he would accept that. He'd sacrificed his chances with her long ago and he knew it well.

He made the decision to look Essi up once he'd gotten settled in at home. She would know best how to locate Emilia and he could simultaneously gauge the extent of Emilia's ire from how her sister reacted to his presence on her doorstep.

Not that it would much stop him from spanning the earth to hunt her down. He needed to see her.

Just one last time.



"I'll be very mad if you try and sneak out of the country before tomorrow night," Anita warned as she hugged Emilia goodbye. It was getting late and she needed to be getting back to, well, nothing at her hotel but she'd spent five hours with Anita and was getting sleepy.

"I won't, I promise." She let go of Anita and gave her a smile. "You really think I'd leave Finland again without a meal from you? Ten years is long enough."

"Too long," Anita reminded.

Emilia chuckled and Anita watched as the young girl bounded down the walkway and down the street just as the streetlights had kicked on. Emilia had refused her offer to drive her to the hotel she was staying at, saying that she missed Helsinki enough to brave the terrors that lurked in the night. Anita smiled, happy just to have her home where she belonged.

She'd been silently furious, however, with her oldest child for being a primary reason for Emilia's extended leave. She knew what had transpired between the two on the eve of her departure as she'd found them curled up in Ville's bed together just after dawn. Though she never mentioned it to anyone, not even Kari, she had known that what had happened would affect both Ville and Emilia severely once she'd gone. And she had, apparently, been correct.

However much of a romantic he was, Ville also had a certain bullheadedness that caused him to make rash decisions in order to shield himself and his heart. And that would be exactly the reason he would have stopped talking to her once he realized that coming home wasn't something she planned on as soon as he would have liked.

Anita congratulated herself on inviting Emilia to dinner the following evening, knowing that said son would be coming over for a meal after a long stint in the studio. While forcing them together would likely be disastrous at first, she knew they both missed each other and she would not allow them to go another ten years without one another.