Status: I'll Try to update at least once a week!
Let Me Be the One to Save You
Chapter 6
"Austin you're being un-reasonable" I groaned, moving my eyes from my drawing to look at my boyfriend. He was sat on his desk chair, an angry look taking over his features.
"How?! I went to your house for Christmas, you need to come to mine for summer!"
I rolled my eyes and continued to angrily shade the part of the tree I was working on. The final for class was due next Monday meaning I had to get this done and this stupid argument was getting in the way as always.
"That's not how this works austin! You stayed for a week you want me for the whole two months! A week, sure? Two weeks? Fine. But not two months!"
This argument had been going on for nearly an hour and was going absolutely nowhere as always. Truth be told I'm pretty sure we've had this argument at least was a day for the last month but I refused to budge. He already took control of what days I could leave school there was no way he would be controlling my summer.
" But babe come on, I want you to meet my family and friends. It'll be a fun time"
His tone had softened as he moved off the chair and towards his bed that I was sitting on. I wanted to roll my eyes at the fake softness in his voice. He just wanted to prove that he had a girlfriend, something to show off.
"But I want to spend time with my brother austin! Tons of shows play in the summer you know that. That's what I love"
His body fell onto the bed beside me, the whole thing dipping at his weight. He groaned and looked to me, his head resting on the palm of his hand.
"You've seen plenty shows Jess" he protested and once again I stayed quiet.
I began to shade the drawing once more, the tip of my pencil scraping against the scratchy paper shaping the tree trunk I was working on. After a few seconds I felt the end of my pencil being pulled. This caused the pencil to slip in my grip and scratch a line down the side of the page. I dropped the pencil angrily and looked up.
"Austin!"
I saw his blue eyes sending the anger right back into my eyes once they connected.
"Well for fucks sake Jessica I'm trying to talk to you and you're not even paying attention!"
I looked at him hard, watching his blue eyes send daggers into mine. I slammed the lid of my notebook closed quickly not wanting it to get any more ruined than it was.
"So you just ruin my final? And talk, Don't you mean yell? Because you and I both know this conversation isn't going anywhere!"
I pulled my body up, shaking with anger and anxiety as I moved to his desk that held my backpack. I was filled to the brink with fighting I was completely done with everything. We had been fighting non stop for the past month, two months after the incident. The term ended on Monday for the year and he had proven nothing to me that he was changed, so why would I want to go anywhere for a month with him? I felt like he was a stranger, I didn't even know who he was anymore.
"Well maybe if you would just stop being so stubborn and let me book us flights to Texas for the summer we would stop fighting" he snapped, standing off the bed as well.
I began shoving things into the crammed canvas space, taking all my anger on the crumbled papers that lined the bottom as I shoved my notebook onto them.
"Why? So I can abandon my family and friends for the summer and go to Texas with you where we can fight some more? I'm sorry but that sounds horrible" I spat.
I heard Austin sigh from behind me obviously tired of this conversation much like myself.
"Come on babe don't be like this, I haven't seen my family and friends for nearly a year! You see yours every weekend!" He protested, like it would somehow persuade me.
"So? Go see them yourself then. That was your choice Austin you could've went on Christmas, I wasn't stopping you. Or thanksgiving ? Or spring break? You had so many options you just didn't take them so it's not my problem. If you want to see your damn family so bad then go fricken see them!"
I had now turned around, my back gently bumping against the wood of his desk. My chest rose and fell with drastic breathing as I tried my best to control my anger. Austin had stepped closer to me now, his chest was nearly touching mine. His breath fogged over my face as he let out his own heavy breaths before throwing his head back in anger.
"I just don't understand why you can't just come with me for the summer!"
"Because I don't want to go! I want to stay and spend the summer going to shows with frank and my friends. How many times do I have to say this?"
He stared at me for a second, squinting his blue eyes before they opened again widely.
"It's him isn't it?"
His words flew over my head and made complete confusion fall across me.
"What the fuck are you talking about Austin? Who? Frank?" I asked and he quickly shook his head stepping even closer.
" No that art kid; Gerard. You want to spend the summer fucking him don't you?"
I rolled my eyes and pushed at his chest slightly, forcing him to back away from me. He was way too close for comfort at this point and I felt like I couldn't breath.
"What the hell is your problem? I'm not fucking Gerard or anyone but you for that matter Austin. He's a friend, my brothers friend to be exact" I protested, wishing he would just leave Gerard out of this.
Over the course of the past month he always seemed to bring Gerard into the factor of our fights when it never had anything to do with him. Gerard was my friend, a close friend and someone who understood me better than anyone, Austin didn't like that. We had gotten extremely close due to the amount time we spent together during class and on the weekends.
"I don't like him. You know that yet you still talk to him" he huffed stepping closer but I shoved him away again. The air between us was growing warm and was crawling up my throat. It swam in my lungs creating an unwanted pressure that wouldn't go away.
"Gerard has nothing to do with the fact that I'm not going to Texas with you so can you just drop it?"
Austins eyes darkened and he shoved closer, this time gripping my hands before they had time to shove his torso. My body slammed against the wooden desk causing it to nock against the wall with a thud. My chest heaved as I watched him, watched that look in his eyes. The same one that I had only seen once before.
"Yes you are" he said through gritted teeth. The grip he had on my arms began to hurt and I flailed them in hopes of taking them from his grasp. It didn't work though
"No I'm not! Now let go you're hurting me"
My words had no affect on him as he pulled in closer. My body shook violently and the need to be anywhere else but here was crucial.
"Damnit! yes you are! You're coming and meeting my family and we're going to have a great time got it?"
I watched Austin in total shock. I couldn't recognize the person stood in front of me. His voice was deeper and twisted, his eyes icy and cold. His grip was tight and hurtful, he wasn't anyone I had ever seen before. Then again as I said before, the person I knew was gone a long time ago.
"Fuck off"
I twisted my arms again and began kicking at his legs but he didn't budge.
"Austin!"
In one fluid, familiar motion his hand shot up and struck me in the face. His fist collided with my left eye causing me to stumble in shock against his grip. The look in his eyes however didn't change like the last time, nothing changed.
"Austin!" I cried out, my voice cracking as tears began to flow down my face. Fear rose up into my chest and I begged to whatever god that could hear me that he would stop.
He went to grab my wrist again but I shoved him sloppily. He stumbled slightly before gripping my hands once more.
"You're coming home with me" he said, repeating his words lowly.
"Fuck off" I sobbed and in one fluid motion, I kicked him right in between his legs.
This caused him to bend slightly with a moan of pain but he didn't let go of me. He only tightened his grip on me. His head hung forward only briefly before he snapped it back up with a crooked smile.
"You just don't know when to stop do you?"
With those words and one last cold stare, he hauled my body away from the desk. With a force I didn't even know he possessed, he sent me across his tiny dorm room. My body landed in a heap slamming harshly against the wall before I collapsed. My head slammed against the floor and I let out a cry of pain before looking up to see him watching me again, the cold look completely off his face.
A face of shock had replaced it as he watched me, completely caught off guard of what he had just done. It was just like before, something took over him and completely changed him.
My chest heaved up in down as I watched the man I once loved in complete and utter terror. In just one minute, he completely flipped my feelings for him.
"Jess.."
In a mater of seconds I dragged my
body off the floor and ran to the desk to get my bag.I began to hurry out of the dorm when his rough hand tried to grip mine.
"Baby-"
I shoved him away from me, tears pouring down my face as I moved as far away as I could from him.
"Get the fuck away from me" I snarled, backing against the wall.
He shook his head and pushed closer to me.
"Baby I'm so sorry. I- I have no idea what happened I just lost control"
He went to caress my cheek but I shoved him harshly finding an unknown strength.
"I'm not your babe" I snarled slowly. Fire began to rise in my chest, a fire I had never felt before. My body shook with agony as something in me had finally snapped. I was done.
"I'm not your baby, I'm not your punching bag, I'm not your girlfriend !" My voice echoed into the dull room, slapping Austin in the face.
The words that left my mouth were words I had been waiting months to say.
"I'm done I'm fucking done Austin! You won't hit me again you won't touch me again! You won't control me anymore, I'm done!"
He watched me with a pained look on his face as I stood in front of him, anger radiating off my shopkeeper core.
"I don't deserve this, to be caught in your line of fire every time something doesn't go your way. I refuse to play these games anymore"
With one final pull of air into my aching lungs I stared at Austin, I really watched him. His sandy hair was standing up roughly, spiking everywhere. His dark blue polo was wrinkled against his solid torso and his eyes cried out to me, yet I felt nothing.
"It's over" I snarled, the words slamming against his face with a violent growl. I remember the way his face looked, frozen in time like it was the end of the world. His shoulders deflated like sad balloons and his face ghosted white.
Before he could do or say anything I grabbed my bag and bolted out of the door. My body trembled as I pulled it closed with a harsh slam.
What the fuck had I done? I couldn't believe it. I was free, I was free. The weight on my heart loosened but the stinging sensation across my whole body dragged me down again.
Confusion rippled through my body at everything that had just happened. It seemed unreal to me, I couldn't be free.
My legs carried me as fast as they could out of the building, taking the same route as before when it happened.
I never would have thought it would happen again but then again at the same time I should've expected it. But it was over, it was finally over. Somehow the thought just couldn't set in. He had never meant much to me towards the end anyway; just a simple weight dragging me down. He once was the reason I could breath happily but towards the end, he was the one who took my air away.
I fumbled in my coat pocket until my numb fingers touched the carton of cigarettes I was hoping for along side my lighter.
I popped a white stick in my mouth, keeping my head tilted and pointed ahead of me as I walked. It took me 3 tries until a spark made healing smoke coat my aching throat. My head swam with so much and I shook it annoyingly before taking in another deep inhale.
I had to get out of here for the time being before he came back and tried to mend things. I needed to get away before I ruined my sudden freedom. I had to get a control of my emotions that battled inside of me. I couldn't stay here.
But where could I go?
-
I let my tattered converse scrape against the dirty cement slowly with every step I made. The trees were full of green leaves that fell every once in a while due to the breeze that had picked up on my way here's The sky above my head was a dull orange as the sun began to disappear.
I kept my hood folded over my head and my tenth Smoke against my lips that were still shaking. The air around me was oddly crisp for it being almost June and chilled my already shaking body.
I sighed again and kept walking straight. I had no idea if I wanted to show up home. Scratch that, I knew I didn't want to show up at the house. My lips were split open and still throbbing harshly against the white sticks that I had been sucking on. However, I couldn't stop. These cigarettes were the only things keeping my breathing under control. My throbbing lip was no match for my eye on the other hand that had to be a deep shade of purple by now and filled my entire face with a burning sensation.
I shook my head in disgust and sighed realizing I had no idea what I was doing. I had taken the fairy and a cab to just a few blocks down the road but I didn't want to go home.I didn't want Frankie to find me like this, not today anyway. Tomorrow was Friday and the day frank and my dad expected me back every weekend so I would go home tomorrow. Maybe my lip would be better along with my eye, maybe I wouldn't have as much explaining to do. I didn't want to have to tell them this, I wanted it to be a distant memory so I could just move on. Nothing mattered anymore besides the fact that I was finally free.
I sucked on the remainder of my cigarette and released out the smoke in a shaky cloud that pooled in a giant bubble of white before evaporating up into the trees. I dropped the now useless piece of white and crunched it against the pavement with the tip of my dirty shoe.
Beside me the rattle of an old engine echoed loudly but I kept my head pointed down at the pavement. Every car in jersey sounded like it was about to explode into a pile of rust at any second. I waited for the car to drive by until I heard it break beside me with a harsh squeak of the old wheels.
This made my feet stop dead in their tracks and the hint of a smile fall upon my lips. There was only one car I knew that made that type of squeak.
"What are you doing walking around here so close to dark sugar? Looking to get shot?"
I lifted my head up slightly and saw Gerard leaning across the tattered seat to watch me through the car window. His coffee stained teeth poked through his mouth in a smile but immediately disappeared when he looked at my expression.
"Get in" he demanded simply
I hesitated slightly looking at the boy and then back down at my feet. It was bad enough I had went to him last time this happened, I couldn't bother him a second. Besides, I didn't want anyone to see any of this.
"N-o it's fine gee, I'm just taking a walk" I stuttered out hoping that we would take my answer and drive away but I also knew he wouldn't. He was one of the most stubbornest people I had ever met in my entire life. Well, besides myself.
The door swung open with a loud familiar groan proving my last thought. I looked up at him seeing him leaning still on the seat, his eyes beginning me to get in the car.
I sighed heavily and moved slowly off of the curb and to the car. I let my body fall against the tattered seats and pulled on the rusty door handle to close the door shut.
My face stayed down on the floor as the air became thick with silence.
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong? You're never in Jersey on a Thursday night let alone walking in the near dark" He interrogated after a few seconds of silence.
I remained quiet and felt a tear fall down my face. All he had to do was look at me and he'd see. However this wasn't like last time, this was terrible. My face was a sight I probably wouldn't have wanted to see myself. I didn't want anyone to see it, I wanted to let it heal and forget it. So much for my plan.
"Jess, come on we've been over this. You can talk to me okay? Was it Austin again? Did you guys argue?"
His voice was the calmest I had ever heard it before. Gentle and worrying.
"Something like that" I sighed out, accepting fate right now.
I reached up and in one fluid motion I felt my hood fall off my head letting my dark hair spill out onto my shoulders. I knew I couldn't hide it from him for long so with one deep breath, I turned to him.
I watched his mouth fall open and his skin pale at the sight of my face. He looked to my eye and then lip.
"What the fuck happened?" He asked me, his tone now harsher. Based upon the look on his face however, I knew he knew exactly what happened.
His hand moved upwards but the simple movement made me flinch out of habit. It was all that was needed it seemed and I watched as Gerard's green eyes darkened.
"Tell me it wasn't him again" he snarled
I let out another solid sigh and I popped my eyes closed slightly. Before I would have started to cry, let myself go but right now no tears were forming. I was more pissed off than any other emotion. My mouth was too dry to say anything. I knew he knew though, it was written all over his angry face. His eyes flashed angrily as he swore under his breath.
" I swear to god I'll fucking kill him" he snarled again
"There's no need Gerard" I answered hoarsely, my voice scratchy and raw from yelling earlier.
"What do you mean, Jess have you seen your face? You can't just keep letting him do this to you!"
"I'm not!" I shot, my voice rising to a volume that made Gerard's words falter.
"I mean- I ended it. After he did this? I ended it. It's over we're done he won't touch me again" I said hurriedly, the words spilling from my mouth almost excitedly. I was proud of it, I was proud I ended it.
With my words a small smirk fell onto Gerard's once angry lips. Relief seemed to flood his body as much as it did mine despite the intensity of everything.
"Wait you did?"
I nodded at him with a smile and sat up in his fabric seats.
"I listened to your words from before, I don't deserve this. If it means being alone then I'll be alone for the rest of my life before I stay in a toxic relationship like that again"
In a sudden motion Gerard wrapped his leather covered arms around my body, smashing me close against his chest. This is a motion he's done to me before and it always sent a strong warm feeling shooting across my body; safety.
"You don't have to worry about being alone anytime soon" he mumbled into my neck. His warm breath ghosted on my cold neck sending a slight shiver before we let go.
He looked at me, his eyes grazing across my face and he let out a sad smile.
"Damn, I'm fucking proud"
I chuckled gently and shrugged my shoulders. The emotions today seemed to be one giant roller coaster and man was I ready for it to end.
"Were you on your way somewhere? I didn't mean to interrupt" I cut in worriedly. This seemed to send a shock of reality crashing through him.
"Fuck, I was I was on my way to work. I'm so sorry" he rambled and I shook my head.
"No worries Gerard, I'll just go walk back to the ferry and take one home" I said, picking my bag off the car floor and reaching for the door handle.
"No wait! You're not walking at this time of night besides, I don't think there are anymore ferry's at this time. Let me bring you home?" He asked, and I let out a deflated sigh.
What options did I have?
"I can't let my dad or frank see me like this, if frank sees my eye like this he'll flip" I began
Gerard watched me for a second and nodded in understanding. He saw first hand just how protective frank could get and with it being Austin? A boy he hated; he would lose his mind.
Gerard's eyes light up and he sat back in his seat confidently like he just won the lottery or something.
"Okay problem solved, you'll go back to my house"
He quickly began to buckle his seat belt again and I watched him dumbly as he pushed his car into drive. He moved the car and began to turn around to head the opposite way towards where his house was.
"Gerard- "
"You can hang in my room until I get out of work okay?"
I sighed weighing my options, there were none. Maybe I should just suck it up though? Go back to my house.
"Gerard honestly I don't want to intrude on your family. I would feel weird just hanging in your basement"
He let out a small chuckle and shook his head.
"My parents are visiting my aunt and uncle in upper state New York so no one will bug you except maybe Mikey but you can just tell him to fuck off"
It was my turn to laugh as I accepted fate at this point.
"I mean I do need to finish my art final anyway considering it's due Monday" I mumbled defeatedly.
"Well there you go! You can use my desk, smoke if you want just leave the small window open. I even have beer if you get thirsty"
"I said I wanted to finish my project not get hammered and make a drunk rendition of it" I teased.
Gerard narrowed his eyes, still looking at the road and shook his head.
"Well excuse me I'm just trying to give you suggestions here"
"Well I appreciate it but I don't think guzzling beers will help me finish my project"
"Don't knock it 'till you try it"
He sang jokingly before we pulled into his driveway. His hands fumbled with the shifter and he pushed the car into park.
"Okay Here's the key just bring it downstairs with you and leave it on my desk or something. I'll give Mikey a call and tell him you're down there so he doesn't think he's home alone when he gets home."
I nodded and took a hold of the single silver key he detached from his keychain.
"Feel free to eat anything and do whatever, I'll be back at ten I'm sorry I have to run like this"
I shook my head eagerly and undid my seatbelt, turning fully to Gerard. I now noticed the white shirt he wore that held the record stores symbol on the front poking from under his leather jacket.
"Don't be sorry thank you so much, honestly. I probably would still be walking around if you didn't come pick me up"
He looked up at me and waved a hand at me trying to motion to me that it wasn't a big deal.
"Don't mention it, I'm just glad I found you and that you got away from him"
I nodded at him as we both locked eyes. His hazel eyes seemed to grow more fascinating the more I looked at them. The specks of green flashed against the small light that was left in the sky.
I snapped out of my thoughts and reached behind me to pop open the door. It squeaked violently causing me to cringe and Gerard to crack a smile knowing how much I hated that noise.
"I'll see you at Ten" he clarified as I began to pull my body out of the car.
I bent down slightly so I could still see into the car and smiled at him.
"See you at ten"
The door slammed closed with a softer squeak and I held the key tightly as I began my way up the drive way and over the front lawn. When I made it on the porch and turned around Gerard's car was gone leaving me completely alone for the time being.
I stuck the key in the rusted door knob, wiggling it ever so slightly until it turned and clicked the door open.
The door pushed open and I timidly walked into the house. It seemed so wrong to me, being in the Ways house alone. I guess it was a little better than me being in here without Gerard while his parents were here. The less people sometimes the better for me although did he say Mikey was home? Or was he coming home? I couldn't remember anything anymore.
I looked around the familiar surroundings, the pictures on the wall of the two brothers greeted me .I stopped in the doorway briefly to listen. Quietness echoed across the entire house meaning it was just me, no Mikey.
I closed the door behind me and flicked the lock as I always was told to do. This was jersey, if you left your door unlocked for even an hour people would take that as an invitation to come and rob you.
I followed the brown hallway all the way until I reached the door that I remembered led to the basement or rather, Gerard's room. The wooden door was still just as beat up as it was the last time I was here, small chunks of wood were missing and it looked like it was on its last legs.
I pulled open the door and then closed it softly behind me before making my small decent down the stairs.
The familiar surroundings took up my eyesight along with the strong scent of Tobacco and liquor. The room hadn't changed in it's messiness and clothes were thrown on different areas of the rug amounts other trash.
I shook my head and let a smile poke out of my mouth. I then dropped my bag onto his messy bed and yanked out my drawing folder and pencil. Might as well do something for the next four hours.
I sat down at his wooden desk, the surface littered with tiny scribble marks and various stains. I opened the drawing notebook and looked down at the page, sighing at the medium sized smudge mark that ran down the right corner. The mark that Austin had made.
Anger and frustration boiled through me as I flipped my pencil over to try to erase it only to find the pink rubber to be gone.
"Mother fucker"
I dropped the pencil and then looked down at the desk. I was frustrated and angry all at the same time. I was mad at Austin for making me this way, for ruining my project and everything else. I was frustrated for letting it go on for so long.
I shook my head and let out a smooth breath. Okay, he must have an eraser. There was no way he couldn't have one.
I messed around with the papers that loosely hung on the desk, all little comic book characters in search for anything. Nothing was on the desk top which made me turn to my next option. The drawers.
My hand hovered over the black knob hesitantly before I yanked it open. A grin fell onto my face in victory once I saw the pink eraser sitting on top of a white notebook flipped open. I gripped the pink eraser in my hand and then out of curiosity, let my eyes wander down to the notebook. The page it was open on held a sketched image of a man hanging upside down in a body bag. The lines etched beautifully across the page creating the gruesome image. I picked up the notebook and brought it closer allowing my eyes to wander over the details. Suddenly I felt wrong, like I was intruding by going through his stuff. Surely he wouldn't mind but as an artist myself, I knew what it was like to have unwanted people starring at your artwork so I decided to just put it back. However, when I went to place it back inside the drawer my eyes caught sight of something I wish they hadn't.
A ziplock baggy laid against more sheets of paper and random crap. Inside contained pills of different sizes and colors. My mouth went dry at this , I knew what these were to am extent. I didn't know what kinds they were but it didn't take a genius to figure it out.
I picked up the bag gently and held it close to me so I could admire the small pills.
Why would he do this? I knew he had problems much like myself but I guess I never knew to what extent. What if they weren't what I thought they were?
I shook my head at the idiotic thought, of course they were. But why? Why did he do this? Did he still do this?
I wasn't unfamiliar to drugs ; growing up with the stoner kids in high school and being in the music scene you see a lot and experiment a lot. I never did go past weed much however, the idea of pills scared me a little. You never exactly knew what you were taking. It seemed like I was looking at these for hours, my brain searching the bag for any answers.
The door slamming upstairs caught me off guard and made me freeze entirely from where I sat. I listened carefully as the jingle of keys echoed down the hallway along with heavy foot steps until the door to the basement swung open causing me to jump.
"Jess?!"
Mikey's voice echoed down causing both relief and more panic to flood through me.
"Yeah!" I mumbled out before quickly shoving the plastic bag back into the drawer and covering them back up with the notebook. I shoved the drawer closed just as Mikey appeared in the room.
"Hey, Gee said you'd be down here so I picked up a pizza on my way home" he began, his voice soft and timid.
He had on a black t-shirt hanging on his skinny frame. His sandy hair fell against his face and stuck underneath his glasses.
I turned to face him fully and his eyes immediately glanced to my face. His eyes lingered briefly but I didn't pay attention much to it, I'd be starring if I was him.
"You didn't have to do that Mikey"
He shrugged shyly and smirked st me again.
"I know but Gerard mentioned you had a bad day so.." he trailed off awkwardly. Me and Mikey had never really made big conversation outside of hanging wth them the few times I had. He was like me though, outgoing but shy all mixed into one.
"Well that's very nice of you"
He nodded and looked down at his feet. His glasses slid down the bridge of his nose and he popped them back up with his finger.
"Okay anyway let's cut all the mushy friendship stuff and go upstairs eat some pizza and play a video game or something?"
I looked up excitedly at him and nodded.
"Oh fuck yes, I'll beat you in whatever we play" I said confidently pulling myself off the chair
Mikey chuckled and then trailed behind me hurriedly as I began to pound up the stairs.
"In your dreams Iero"
-
The game Mikey had picked was Crash Bandicoot, not exactly a two player game. However we were having a pretty good time taking turns and seeing how many levels we could get to until we died. We had been sat on this couch for what seemed like hours just eating pizza and playing video games. It was all so oddly innocent and I liked it. Sitting on the couch and playing video games like I was 12 again, I really liked it.
Playing with Mikey also made me think of frank in a way. He would pew playful banter during my turns and even bump shoulders occasionally to try to throw me off. It was refreshing.
"Ha! You lose, my turn"
I snapped back into reality as my character fell off the cliff due to my inability to pay attention.
I looked over at Mikey who was pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose.
"On level 3 too, damn what happened to you beating me in whatever we play huh?"
I rolled my eyes at his cocky yet playful tone and shoved the controller into his waiting hands.
"Oh fuck off, i've still made it the farthest."
He let out a laugh and began to start the next level.
"Not for long" he teased simply, engaging himself into the fake world that we had been clued to for god knows how many hours.
Mikey's pink tongue poked from his mouth slightly as his fingers rapidly pushed buttons killing different monsters.
He quickly killed an enemy and before he could even have a chance to celebrate, another came up behind him and killed him.
"Mother fucker!" he cursed, dropping the controller angrily on the couch.
"Awh what's wrong? I thought you were confident"
He turned to me with a playful yet angry look on his face and he rolled his eyes. This caused me to chuckle and pat his shoulder.
"Don't worry mikes, I can give you lessons"
"Oh fuck off" he whined, pushing my hand from off his shoulder.
Once his fingers gripped my wrist a pain shot up my whole arm making me yelp slightly and yank my hand back.
We both grew quiet and I watched his eyebrows furrow as he looked to my wrist that was bare. A red and purple ring lined the area in shape of a hand print and I sighed out.
Mikey's face paled slightly as he looked up at me.
"I know you probably don't want me to mention it but I'm just curious" he started, his voice slow and steady.
I looked up at him and nodded, urging him to continue. If I didn't like the question I could always just ignore it anyway.
"Gerard didn't tell me much, just who did it and what happened basically"
"But he never did say if you're still with the guy who did it."
The look on his face wasn't one of pity rather than curiosity. His brown eyes searched mine slowly as he wiggles his lip between his teeth, chewing nervously.
"This was the last time he'll do it to me" I began, my voice slow and hoarse.
"We had a small argument that he went off the deep end at and he did, well this" I motioned to my body and he nodded slowly.
"But That was the last time. I'm done being the victim to him and everyone, I'm finished with looking so fragile."
I took in a deep breath liking how much pressure came off as I said these words although, it felt weird saying them to Mikey. I never would have seen myself opening up to him like this but hey, people change.
"So I ended it with him"
My words made a smile appear on his face and he nodded approvingly.
"Good, I'm so glad you did. You deserve so much better, we all do. Never sell yourself short for anything less than what you're worth"
His words caught me off guard slightly as they brought a smile to my face as I nodded. Mikey always seemed like the younger brother type even if he was a the same age as me. He seemed so innocent and shy when I could tell deep down he wasn't entirely.
"Thanks for that, I won't. You know you're alright Miley , I'm sorry we haven't talked much before"
I saw his cheeks tinge a light shade of red as he shook me off.
"Don't worry about it, I never took it to heart"
I smiled at him just as the door slammed open and shut. The noise made both me and Mike jump as heavy footsteps echoed down the hall.
"Mikey?!"
"Living room!" He shouted back, craning his neck towards the opening where Gerard soon entered.
His eyes light up when he saw me, probably happy I joined Mikey rather than hiding away in his basement.
"Well what's this? A party without me?"
The smile that Gerard's face held was so genuine yet I could almost see through it. Like he was used to putting it on just to get through the day.
"You were working asshole" Mikey shot as Gerard entered the living room. In one fluid motion he jumped over the back of the couch and landed smack in the middle of me and Mikey.
"Who said we wanted you here?" I teased. Gerard turned to me and smiled, poking his tongue out ever so slightly at my face.
"Well no need to be rude"
I chuckled as he reached forward and flipped the lid on the white pizza box and immediately grabbed the last slice left.
"Hey.." Mikey whined.
Gerard ignored him and crammed the probably cold pizza slice into his mouth as fast as he could.
"How was work?" I asked
"Slow as all hell. I think we only sold about 4 Cd's. Everyone else just came in to loiter or trash the place"
"Try working at the book store man, nobody reads books anymore unless it's for school"
I watched the two brothers as they delved into a conversation, their bodies pivoted so that they faced each other.
I couldn't help but let my eye wander Gerard's face, dissecting him. All I could think of were those pills and knowing if he really did do that.
He seemed so put together half the time yet I knew that wasn't the case. He was always coming to my rescue but when would someone go to his? Did he even need someone to? Or was I just overthinking this?
I didn't know what it was that attracted me to Gerard. Maybe it was his understanding towards me and what I went through, or the way he was the only one who didn't look at me with a look of pity. Because when it came down to it, he seemed to be just like me. He said so himself and I was dying to know what he meant by that, my insides burning with curiosity .
Gerard looked to me quickly, catching my eyes. He gave me a funny look signaling he must have said something to me.
"I'm sorry what?"
Both him and Mikey chuckled at my oblivion.
"I said it's getting kind of late did you want to go head downstairs?"
The red clock hanging above the TV read that it was close to midnight.
"Oh crap I didn't realize how late it was. Sure whatever you want to do"
He nodded at me and hauled his body off the couch with a long yawn.
"I'll sleep on the couch down there and you can take my bed" he explained, holding out his hand before me.
I looked at it and then placed my tiny hand in his much larger one. our palms connected forcefully as he yanked me off the couch.
My lower half gave out a painful ache as he did so making me let out a small groan and grab at it.
"I'm sorry, Did I hurt you?" He suddenly rambled and I shook him off. He wasn't the one who hurt me. No doubt this pain was from when I was sent onto Austin's bedroom floor forcefully hours prior.
"No, no it's fine"
Gerard held his gaze briefly but then shook his head and nodded.
"Okay let's head downstairs"
I nodded and watched as Mikey returned into the living room holding a red can in his hand. When did he even leave?
Gerard narrowed his eyes in at the can and let out a soft chuckle watching as his brother began to tip the can into his mouth.
"Beer?" He asked, unimpressed with his younger brother.
Mikey simply wiggled his eyebrows with a beaming smile and headed past the two of us.
"There's nothing like a nice cold one before bed. Goodnight guys"
Gerard muttered a goodnight and I simply smiled at the younger way as he patted my shoulder gently before disappearing down the hall and towards the stairs.
"Alright let's get going, I'm about ready to drop" Gerard said followed by his famous giggle. The laugh sent shivers down my spine as I followed him towards the basement door.
"You know I really don't mind the couch" I offered, making my decent in front of him down the stairs.
I stopped on the second step and looked at Gerard as he pulled the door closed shut before he motioned for me to keep moving.
"Nope you're having my bed that's final"
I rolled my eyes like a small child would and made my way back into his musty bedroom. My bag laid open on his bed while my drawing sat untouched on his desk.
This immediately caught Gerard's eyes.
"D'ya mind?" He asked, motioning to the piece of art. I stared at him dumbly for a second before shaking my head and motioned over to the desk.
"No not at all, it's not done but go for it. You've already seen it anyway"
He had only seen the outline though. I had stopped bringing it to class a week or two ago as me and Gerard never did anything besides talk anyway. It was easier to draw and shade it on my own time.
He flashed me a smile and walked to the desk. I watched him pull off his leather jacket slowly as he did so until it thudded to the floor carelessly behind him.
This caused me to snicker and move towards the bed as Gerard gazed upon the drawing. I perched on the side of the bed and watched as a few black strands fell in front of his face. He quickly brushed them away and continued to stare at the unfinished piece.
"Wow.." he breathed out slowly, still admiring the piece of art I had created.
"It's nothing that special" I pointed out making him snap his eyes to me in disbelief.
"What do you mean? This is great Jess! The lines are so edged and the way you shaded the sun through the trees. It's absolutely beautiful"
This caused a slight pink shade to fall onto my cheek as Gerard stepped away from the desk and headed for his dresser.
"It's nothing compared to the ones you draw Gerard" I pointed out and this time it was my turn to watch him turn pink. He was bent over slightly digging through his drawer.
"I'm not that good either" he said, now walking towards me with some clothes.
He stood in front of the bed and pushed a plaid pair of pants and a plain black shirt into my hands.
"Here, these should fit. you can go change in the bathroom right there if you'd like"
I quickly nodded and said nothing else as I stood off the bed and headed to the white door I never noticed to the right of the bed.
I pulled the door open and was surprised as it made no squeak or anything like all the other doors in this house. The bathroom itself was oddly clean for it belonging to Gerard.
The walls were painted a baby blue and the white titles were turning brown on the edges due to all the dirt and other things that were dragged into it. There was just a few feet between the toilet and the shower; but it was enough for me to take off my clothes and replace them with Gerard's.
The pants were blue and grey and bagged over my feet but after I rolled the waist band up they fit pretty well. The T-shirt also bagged at my waist and hung off my frail shoulders, swallowing me into the scent of cologne and cigarettes.
I took in a deep breath and turned to the mirror, looking at my face for the first time since the incident. When I did I immediately wanted to crawl into a corner and hide.
My eye had a red ring around the outer edge and a slightly purple tinge on the actual lid. Hopefully that would go down before I saw frank tomorrow. My lip on the other hand bulged in front of me due to a cut on the middle and left side.
I looked terrible.
Sighing I turned away from my image, wanting to push it deep into the back of my mind for now. I grabbed my clothes and piled them neatly on the little towel rack near the light switch before slowly opening the door. I was praying that if Gerard was changing he already had to avoid any awkward encounters.
Sure enough Gerard was stood at his bed, fussing over the blankets in a grey shirt and black pair of sweatpants. Thank god.
The click of the door closing caused Gerard head to snap up and look at me with a smile.
"Hey those for pretty good, sorry if they're a little big"
I shook my head and walked towards him. The bed had a few blankets of various stitching and colors laid out on it along with about 3 pillows lined on the end. I noticed behind him his couch was already set up with a blanket and pillows for himself as well.
"They're perfect, honestly Gerard thank you. Thank you for everything.
He beamed at me and shrugged his shoulders.
"Don't worry about it okay? I'm just sorry about the day you had but I'm glad you're here" he began
"So are you okay? You know after everything?"
I watched him for a second and sighed but gave the best smile I could.
"You know Gerard I am? Despite how it went down I'm just happy I got out of the relationship. I was done playing the victim as I said before, I'd rather be alone then live like that.
His eyes light up and he nodded.
"Well I'm so glad. As I told you, you don't have to be alone. I'm here"
He took in a deep inhale playing his words with such precise.
"I know what it's like to have no one and I'm just glad I can be someone you feel comfortable with" he finished, the tone of his voice making my heart almost break.
I watched his eyes, the green specks dancing around his hazel eyes that held so much emotion.
"I'm here for you too you know.." I started off, my breathing suddenly starting to pick up.
He looked at me, the look I normally would give someone. The look of wanting to believe so badly yet feeling alone at the same time. I knew that look too well.
"I know that Jess, were here for each other. We understand each other, I trust you just as much as I hope you trust me."
"Then can I ask you something?" I asked. Oh god, was I really going to do this?
I couldn't tell if it was my tired brain making me so confident or my curiosity getting to me but I had to.
"Yes of course"
I took in a small breath and looked into his eyes again.
"Why are you taking those pills Gerard?"
At my words I watched Gerard transform. His face visibly paled and his shoulders tensed violently.
"What- what pills? I'm not taking any-"
"I was looking for an eraser and found the bag in your drawer Gerard" I said, sighing sadly at the boy.
His eyes filled with panic and he stepped away from me, pushing a hand in his hair.
"They aren't anything Jess don't worry"
"Gerard, I know they're something. Please just talk-"
"No! They're nothing!" He snapped his voice taking me off guard. I jumped back slightly, images of Austin screaming at me prior ramming into my brain. Gerard had never raised his voice at me, never.
When I did this his eyes dimmed and he let out a frustrated breath and shook his head at me. His frame relaxed and he stoped closer to me.
"Jess i'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap"
I nodded, my breath still came out in pants but I relaxed knowing out of all people, Gerard would never hurt me.
"It's just-can we please just forget about this. Please?"
His eyes begged me, pleaded with me as he stood in front of me. His body was shaking slightly. I sighed, I didn't want to but for his sake I knew it was better to leave it and bring it up another time or let him come to me.
"Okay"
He smiled and breathed out in relief before walking closer, his arms quickly grabbed me in a hug and let myself melt into it.
All the other hugs we had shared were for me before but this one? I knew this one was for him.
The way his body shook still with the realization that I knew. I could relate to this, the sick feeling of getting caught in your own self destruction, I got it. That's why I did the only thing I knew would help for now, I squeezed him back.
The hug lasted longer than any we had shared before and I knew it's exactly what he needed.
He pulled away breathing heavily before letting out a giant yawn.
"Let's get some sleep yeah? I think we both got some stuff to do tomorrow"
"Do you have work tomorrow?" I asked, half trying to lighten the mood half curious as to what exactly he had to do.
He shook his head at me and moved to the stairway. His hand hovered over the dirty white light switch.
"No, band practice. We have to practice for our show on Monday" he explained
"What show?"
He gave a small chuckle and then flicked the switch down, sending the room into a cloak of darkness. The only light came from the bright moon creeping its way in through the small window.
" You're really out of the loop aren't you?" He teased, walking past me towards the couch.
I took this as my clue to head to the bed and did so, doing my best to avoid the obstacles of clothing and other random junk on the floor.
"Shut up" I hissed, falling onto the bed with a squeak of the springs.
"My Chem is opening for pence preps last gig down at the arrow on Monday night" he explained.
"Oh wait! Frank did tell me about that I forgot"
Gerard chuckled again and I could hear his moving around on the old couch trying to get comfortable it seemed.
"There you go, you know something at least"
I rolled my eyes and pressed my head against one of the pillows.
"I know you're a jerk" I shot tiredly, the sensation now hitting me as I laid my head down.
Another chuckle echoed across the dark room but nothing else was said. It was quiet apart from both our breathing as I looked across the room. The glow of the moon light up Gerard's bookshelf and I found my eyes traveling across the meant shelves but I couldn't make anything else.
"Hey Jess?" Gerard called out, a hint of something flowing with them.
"Yeah?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper to Gerard's.
There was another long pause, as if he was debating on exactly what he wanted to say. I half thought he would bring up the earlier conversation that he set off on.
"Goodnight"
I smiled gently and pressed my head further into his pillow and brought the blanket further up my shoulders.
"Goodnight Gerard"
"How?! I went to your house for Christmas, you need to come to mine for summer!"
I rolled my eyes and continued to angrily shade the part of the tree I was working on. The final for class was due next Monday meaning I had to get this done and this stupid argument was getting in the way as always.
"That's not how this works austin! You stayed for a week you want me for the whole two months! A week, sure? Two weeks? Fine. But not two months!"
This argument had been going on for nearly an hour and was going absolutely nowhere as always. Truth be told I'm pretty sure we've had this argument at least was a day for the last month but I refused to budge. He already took control of what days I could leave school there was no way he would be controlling my summer.
" But babe come on, I want you to meet my family and friends. It'll be a fun time"
His tone had softened as he moved off the chair and towards his bed that I was sitting on. I wanted to roll my eyes at the fake softness in his voice. He just wanted to prove that he had a girlfriend, something to show off.
"But I want to spend time with my brother austin! Tons of shows play in the summer you know that. That's what I love"
His body fell onto the bed beside me, the whole thing dipping at his weight. He groaned and looked to me, his head resting on the palm of his hand.
"You've seen plenty shows Jess" he protested and once again I stayed quiet.
I began to shade the drawing once more, the tip of my pencil scraping against the scratchy paper shaping the tree trunk I was working on. After a few seconds I felt the end of my pencil being pulled. This caused the pencil to slip in my grip and scratch a line down the side of the page. I dropped the pencil angrily and looked up.
"Austin!"
I saw his blue eyes sending the anger right back into my eyes once they connected.
"Well for fucks sake Jessica I'm trying to talk to you and you're not even paying attention!"
I looked at him hard, watching his blue eyes send daggers into mine. I slammed the lid of my notebook closed quickly not wanting it to get any more ruined than it was.
"So you just ruin my final? And talk, Don't you mean yell? Because you and I both know this conversation isn't going anywhere!"
I pulled my body up, shaking with anger and anxiety as I moved to his desk that held my backpack. I was filled to the brink with fighting I was completely done with everything. We had been fighting non stop for the past month, two months after the incident. The term ended on Monday for the year and he had proven nothing to me that he was changed, so why would I want to go anywhere for a month with him? I felt like he was a stranger, I didn't even know who he was anymore.
"Well maybe if you would just stop being so stubborn and let me book us flights to Texas for the summer we would stop fighting" he snapped, standing off the bed as well.
I began shoving things into the crammed canvas space, taking all my anger on the crumbled papers that lined the bottom as I shoved my notebook onto them.
"Why? So I can abandon my family and friends for the summer and go to Texas with you where we can fight some more? I'm sorry but that sounds horrible" I spat.
I heard Austin sigh from behind me obviously tired of this conversation much like myself.
"Come on babe don't be like this, I haven't seen my family and friends for nearly a year! You see yours every weekend!" He protested, like it would somehow persuade me.
"So? Go see them yourself then. That was your choice Austin you could've went on Christmas, I wasn't stopping you. Or thanksgiving ? Or spring break? You had so many options you just didn't take them so it's not my problem. If you want to see your damn family so bad then go fricken see them!"
I had now turned around, my back gently bumping against the wood of his desk. My chest rose and fell with drastic breathing as I tried my best to control my anger. Austin had stepped closer to me now, his chest was nearly touching mine. His breath fogged over my face as he let out his own heavy breaths before throwing his head back in anger.
"I just don't understand why you can't just come with me for the summer!"
"Because I don't want to go! I want to stay and spend the summer going to shows with frank and my friends. How many times do I have to say this?"
He stared at me for a second, squinting his blue eyes before they opened again widely.
"It's him isn't it?"
His words flew over my head and made complete confusion fall across me.
"What the fuck are you talking about Austin? Who? Frank?" I asked and he quickly shook his head stepping even closer.
" No that art kid; Gerard. You want to spend the summer fucking him don't you?"
I rolled my eyes and pushed at his chest slightly, forcing him to back away from me. He was way too close for comfort at this point and I felt like I couldn't breath.
"What the hell is your problem? I'm not fucking Gerard or anyone but you for that matter Austin. He's a friend, my brothers friend to be exact" I protested, wishing he would just leave Gerard out of this.
Over the course of the past month he always seemed to bring Gerard into the factor of our fights when it never had anything to do with him. Gerard was my friend, a close friend and someone who understood me better than anyone, Austin didn't like that. We had gotten extremely close due to the amount time we spent together during class and on the weekends.
"I don't like him. You know that yet you still talk to him" he huffed stepping closer but I shoved him away again. The air between us was growing warm and was crawling up my throat. It swam in my lungs creating an unwanted pressure that wouldn't go away.
"Gerard has nothing to do with the fact that I'm not going to Texas with you so can you just drop it?"
Austins eyes darkened and he shoved closer, this time gripping my hands before they had time to shove his torso. My body slammed against the wooden desk causing it to nock against the wall with a thud. My chest heaved as I watched him, watched that look in his eyes. The same one that I had only seen once before.
"Yes you are" he said through gritted teeth. The grip he had on my arms began to hurt and I flailed them in hopes of taking them from his grasp. It didn't work though
"No I'm not! Now let go you're hurting me"
My words had no affect on him as he pulled in closer. My body shook violently and the need to be anywhere else but here was crucial.
"Damnit! yes you are! You're coming and meeting my family and we're going to have a great time got it?"
I watched Austin in total shock. I couldn't recognize the person stood in front of me. His voice was deeper and twisted, his eyes icy and cold. His grip was tight and hurtful, he wasn't anyone I had ever seen before. Then again as I said before, the person I knew was gone a long time ago.
"Fuck off"
I twisted my arms again and began kicking at his legs but he didn't budge.
"Austin!"
In one fluid, familiar motion his hand shot up and struck me in the face. His fist collided with my left eye causing me to stumble in shock against his grip. The look in his eyes however didn't change like the last time, nothing changed.
"Austin!" I cried out, my voice cracking as tears began to flow down my face. Fear rose up into my chest and I begged to whatever god that could hear me that he would stop.
He went to grab my wrist again but I shoved him sloppily. He stumbled slightly before gripping my hands once more.
"You're coming home with me" he said, repeating his words lowly.
"Fuck off" I sobbed and in one fluid motion, I kicked him right in between his legs.
This caused him to bend slightly with a moan of pain but he didn't let go of me. He only tightened his grip on me. His head hung forward only briefly before he snapped it back up with a crooked smile.
"You just don't know when to stop do you?"
With those words and one last cold stare, he hauled my body away from the desk. With a force I didn't even know he possessed, he sent me across his tiny dorm room. My body landed in a heap slamming harshly against the wall before I collapsed. My head slammed against the floor and I let out a cry of pain before looking up to see him watching me again, the cold look completely off his face.
A face of shock had replaced it as he watched me, completely caught off guard of what he had just done. It was just like before, something took over him and completely changed him.
My chest heaved up in down as I watched the man I once loved in complete and utter terror. In just one minute, he completely flipped my feelings for him.
"Jess.."
In a mater of seconds I dragged my
body off the floor and ran to the desk to get my bag.I began to hurry out of the dorm when his rough hand tried to grip mine.
"Baby-"
I shoved him away from me, tears pouring down my face as I moved as far away as I could from him.
"Get the fuck away from me" I snarled, backing against the wall.
He shook his head and pushed closer to me.
"Baby I'm so sorry. I- I have no idea what happened I just lost control"
He went to caress my cheek but I shoved him harshly finding an unknown strength.
"I'm not your babe" I snarled slowly. Fire began to rise in my chest, a fire I had never felt before. My body shook with agony as something in me had finally snapped. I was done.
"I'm not your baby, I'm not your punching bag, I'm not your girlfriend !" My voice echoed into the dull room, slapping Austin in the face.
The words that left my mouth were words I had been waiting months to say.
"I'm done I'm fucking done Austin! You won't hit me again you won't touch me again! You won't control me anymore, I'm done!"
He watched me with a pained look on his face as I stood in front of him, anger radiating off my shopkeeper core.
"I don't deserve this, to be caught in your line of fire every time something doesn't go your way. I refuse to play these games anymore"
With one final pull of air into my aching lungs I stared at Austin, I really watched him. His sandy hair was standing up roughly, spiking everywhere. His dark blue polo was wrinkled against his solid torso and his eyes cried out to me, yet I felt nothing.
"It's over" I snarled, the words slamming against his face with a violent growl. I remember the way his face looked, frozen in time like it was the end of the world. His shoulders deflated like sad balloons and his face ghosted white.
Before he could do or say anything I grabbed my bag and bolted out of the door. My body trembled as I pulled it closed with a harsh slam.
What the fuck had I done? I couldn't believe it. I was free, I was free. The weight on my heart loosened but the stinging sensation across my whole body dragged me down again.
Confusion rippled through my body at everything that had just happened. It seemed unreal to me, I couldn't be free.
My legs carried me as fast as they could out of the building, taking the same route as before when it happened.
I never would have thought it would happen again but then again at the same time I should've expected it. But it was over, it was finally over. Somehow the thought just couldn't set in. He had never meant much to me towards the end anyway; just a simple weight dragging me down. He once was the reason I could breath happily but towards the end, he was the one who took my air away.
I fumbled in my coat pocket until my numb fingers touched the carton of cigarettes I was hoping for along side my lighter.
I popped a white stick in my mouth, keeping my head tilted and pointed ahead of me as I walked. It took me 3 tries until a spark made healing smoke coat my aching throat. My head swam with so much and I shook it annoyingly before taking in another deep inhale.
I had to get out of here for the time being before he came back and tried to mend things. I needed to get away before I ruined my sudden freedom. I had to get a control of my emotions that battled inside of me. I couldn't stay here.
But where could I go?
-
I let my tattered converse scrape against the dirty cement slowly with every step I made. The trees were full of green leaves that fell every once in a while due to the breeze that had picked up on my way here's The sky above my head was a dull orange as the sun began to disappear.
I kept my hood folded over my head and my tenth Smoke against my lips that were still shaking. The air around me was oddly crisp for it being almost June and chilled my already shaking body.
I sighed again and kept walking straight. I had no idea if I wanted to show up home. Scratch that, I knew I didn't want to show up at the house. My lips were split open and still throbbing harshly against the white sticks that I had been sucking on. However, I couldn't stop. These cigarettes were the only things keeping my breathing under control. My throbbing lip was no match for my eye on the other hand that had to be a deep shade of purple by now and filled my entire face with a burning sensation.
I shook my head in disgust and sighed realizing I had no idea what I was doing. I had taken the fairy and a cab to just a few blocks down the road but I didn't want to go home.I didn't want Frankie to find me like this, not today anyway. Tomorrow was Friday and the day frank and my dad expected me back every weekend so I would go home tomorrow. Maybe my lip would be better along with my eye, maybe I wouldn't have as much explaining to do. I didn't want to have to tell them this, I wanted it to be a distant memory so I could just move on. Nothing mattered anymore besides the fact that I was finally free.
I sucked on the remainder of my cigarette and released out the smoke in a shaky cloud that pooled in a giant bubble of white before evaporating up into the trees. I dropped the now useless piece of white and crunched it against the pavement with the tip of my dirty shoe.
Beside me the rattle of an old engine echoed loudly but I kept my head pointed down at the pavement. Every car in jersey sounded like it was about to explode into a pile of rust at any second. I waited for the car to drive by until I heard it break beside me with a harsh squeak of the old wheels.
This made my feet stop dead in their tracks and the hint of a smile fall upon my lips. There was only one car I knew that made that type of squeak.
"What are you doing walking around here so close to dark sugar? Looking to get shot?"
I lifted my head up slightly and saw Gerard leaning across the tattered seat to watch me through the car window. His coffee stained teeth poked through his mouth in a smile but immediately disappeared when he looked at my expression.
"Get in" he demanded simply
I hesitated slightly looking at the boy and then back down at my feet. It was bad enough I had went to him last time this happened, I couldn't bother him a second. Besides, I didn't want anyone to see any of this.
"N-o it's fine gee, I'm just taking a walk" I stuttered out hoping that we would take my answer and drive away but I also knew he wouldn't. He was one of the most stubbornest people I had ever met in my entire life. Well, besides myself.
The door swung open with a loud familiar groan proving my last thought. I looked up at him seeing him leaning still on the seat, his eyes beginning me to get in the car.
I sighed heavily and moved slowly off of the curb and to the car. I let my body fall against the tattered seats and pulled on the rusty door handle to close the door shut.
My face stayed down on the floor as the air became thick with silence.
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong? You're never in Jersey on a Thursday night let alone walking in the near dark" He interrogated after a few seconds of silence.
I remained quiet and felt a tear fall down my face. All he had to do was look at me and he'd see. However this wasn't like last time, this was terrible. My face was a sight I probably wouldn't have wanted to see myself. I didn't want anyone to see it, I wanted to let it heal and forget it. So much for my plan.
"Jess, come on we've been over this. You can talk to me okay? Was it Austin again? Did you guys argue?"
His voice was the calmest I had ever heard it before. Gentle and worrying.
"Something like that" I sighed out, accepting fate right now.
I reached up and in one fluid motion I felt my hood fall off my head letting my dark hair spill out onto my shoulders. I knew I couldn't hide it from him for long so with one deep breath, I turned to him.
I watched his mouth fall open and his skin pale at the sight of my face. He looked to my eye and then lip.
"What the fuck happened?" He asked me, his tone now harsher. Based upon the look on his face however, I knew he knew exactly what happened.
His hand moved upwards but the simple movement made me flinch out of habit. It was all that was needed it seemed and I watched as Gerard's green eyes darkened.
"Tell me it wasn't him again" he snarled
I let out another solid sigh and I popped my eyes closed slightly. Before I would have started to cry, let myself go but right now no tears were forming. I was more pissed off than any other emotion. My mouth was too dry to say anything. I knew he knew though, it was written all over his angry face. His eyes flashed angrily as he swore under his breath.
" I swear to god I'll fucking kill him" he snarled again
"There's no need Gerard" I answered hoarsely, my voice scratchy and raw from yelling earlier.
"What do you mean, Jess have you seen your face? You can't just keep letting him do this to you!"
"I'm not!" I shot, my voice rising to a volume that made Gerard's words falter.
"I mean- I ended it. After he did this? I ended it. It's over we're done he won't touch me again" I said hurriedly, the words spilling from my mouth almost excitedly. I was proud of it, I was proud I ended it.
With my words a small smirk fell onto Gerard's once angry lips. Relief seemed to flood his body as much as it did mine despite the intensity of everything.
"Wait you did?"
I nodded at him with a smile and sat up in his fabric seats.
"I listened to your words from before, I don't deserve this. If it means being alone then I'll be alone for the rest of my life before I stay in a toxic relationship like that again"
In a sudden motion Gerard wrapped his leather covered arms around my body, smashing me close against his chest. This is a motion he's done to me before and it always sent a strong warm feeling shooting across my body; safety.
"You don't have to worry about being alone anytime soon" he mumbled into my neck. His warm breath ghosted on my cold neck sending a slight shiver before we let go.
He looked at me, his eyes grazing across my face and he let out a sad smile.
"Damn, I'm fucking proud"
I chuckled gently and shrugged my shoulders. The emotions today seemed to be one giant roller coaster and man was I ready for it to end.
"Were you on your way somewhere? I didn't mean to interrupt" I cut in worriedly. This seemed to send a shock of reality crashing through him.
"Fuck, I was I was on my way to work. I'm so sorry" he rambled and I shook my head.
"No worries Gerard, I'll just go walk back to the ferry and take one home" I said, picking my bag off the car floor and reaching for the door handle.
"No wait! You're not walking at this time of night besides, I don't think there are anymore ferry's at this time. Let me bring you home?" He asked, and I let out a deflated sigh.
What options did I have?
"I can't let my dad or frank see me like this, if frank sees my eye like this he'll flip" I began
Gerard watched me for a second and nodded in understanding. He saw first hand just how protective frank could get and with it being Austin? A boy he hated; he would lose his mind.
Gerard's eyes light up and he sat back in his seat confidently like he just won the lottery or something.
"Okay problem solved, you'll go back to my house"
He quickly began to buckle his seat belt again and I watched him dumbly as he pushed his car into drive. He moved the car and began to turn around to head the opposite way towards where his house was.
"Gerard- "
"You can hang in my room until I get out of work okay?"
I sighed weighing my options, there were none. Maybe I should just suck it up though? Go back to my house.
"Gerard honestly I don't want to intrude on your family. I would feel weird just hanging in your basement"
He let out a small chuckle and shook his head.
"My parents are visiting my aunt and uncle in upper state New York so no one will bug you except maybe Mikey but you can just tell him to fuck off"
It was my turn to laugh as I accepted fate at this point.
"I mean I do need to finish my art final anyway considering it's due Monday" I mumbled defeatedly.
"Well there you go! You can use my desk, smoke if you want just leave the small window open. I even have beer if you get thirsty"
"I said I wanted to finish my project not get hammered and make a drunk rendition of it" I teased.
Gerard narrowed his eyes, still looking at the road and shook his head.
"Well excuse me I'm just trying to give you suggestions here"
"Well I appreciate it but I don't think guzzling beers will help me finish my project"
"Don't knock it 'till you try it"
He sang jokingly before we pulled into his driveway. His hands fumbled with the shifter and he pushed the car into park.
"Okay Here's the key just bring it downstairs with you and leave it on my desk or something. I'll give Mikey a call and tell him you're down there so he doesn't think he's home alone when he gets home."
I nodded and took a hold of the single silver key he detached from his keychain.
"Feel free to eat anything and do whatever, I'll be back at ten I'm sorry I have to run like this"
I shook my head eagerly and undid my seatbelt, turning fully to Gerard. I now noticed the white shirt he wore that held the record stores symbol on the front poking from under his leather jacket.
"Don't be sorry thank you so much, honestly. I probably would still be walking around if you didn't come pick me up"
He looked up at me and waved a hand at me trying to motion to me that it wasn't a big deal.
"Don't mention it, I'm just glad I found you and that you got away from him"
I nodded at him as we both locked eyes. His hazel eyes seemed to grow more fascinating the more I looked at them. The specks of green flashed against the small light that was left in the sky.
I snapped out of my thoughts and reached behind me to pop open the door. It squeaked violently causing me to cringe and Gerard to crack a smile knowing how much I hated that noise.
"I'll see you at Ten" he clarified as I began to pull my body out of the car.
I bent down slightly so I could still see into the car and smiled at him.
"See you at ten"
The door slammed closed with a softer squeak and I held the key tightly as I began my way up the drive way and over the front lawn. When I made it on the porch and turned around Gerard's car was gone leaving me completely alone for the time being.
I stuck the key in the rusted door knob, wiggling it ever so slightly until it turned and clicked the door open.
The door pushed open and I timidly walked into the house. It seemed so wrong to me, being in the Ways house alone. I guess it was a little better than me being in here without Gerard while his parents were here. The less people sometimes the better for me although did he say Mikey was home? Or was he coming home? I couldn't remember anything anymore.
I looked around the familiar surroundings, the pictures on the wall of the two brothers greeted me .I stopped in the doorway briefly to listen. Quietness echoed across the entire house meaning it was just me, no Mikey.
I closed the door behind me and flicked the lock as I always was told to do. This was jersey, if you left your door unlocked for even an hour people would take that as an invitation to come and rob you.
I followed the brown hallway all the way until I reached the door that I remembered led to the basement or rather, Gerard's room. The wooden door was still just as beat up as it was the last time I was here, small chunks of wood were missing and it looked like it was on its last legs.
I pulled open the door and then closed it softly behind me before making my small decent down the stairs.
The familiar surroundings took up my eyesight along with the strong scent of Tobacco and liquor. The room hadn't changed in it's messiness and clothes were thrown on different areas of the rug amounts other trash.
I shook my head and let a smile poke out of my mouth. I then dropped my bag onto his messy bed and yanked out my drawing folder and pencil. Might as well do something for the next four hours.
I sat down at his wooden desk, the surface littered with tiny scribble marks and various stains. I opened the drawing notebook and looked down at the page, sighing at the medium sized smudge mark that ran down the right corner. The mark that Austin had made.
Anger and frustration boiled through me as I flipped my pencil over to try to erase it only to find the pink rubber to be gone.
"Mother fucker"
I dropped the pencil and then looked down at the desk. I was frustrated and angry all at the same time. I was mad at Austin for making me this way, for ruining my project and everything else. I was frustrated for letting it go on for so long.
I shook my head and let out a smooth breath. Okay, he must have an eraser. There was no way he couldn't have one.
I messed around with the papers that loosely hung on the desk, all little comic book characters in search for anything. Nothing was on the desk top which made me turn to my next option. The drawers.
My hand hovered over the black knob hesitantly before I yanked it open. A grin fell onto my face in victory once I saw the pink eraser sitting on top of a white notebook flipped open. I gripped the pink eraser in my hand and then out of curiosity, let my eyes wander down to the notebook. The page it was open on held a sketched image of a man hanging upside down in a body bag. The lines etched beautifully across the page creating the gruesome image. I picked up the notebook and brought it closer allowing my eyes to wander over the details. Suddenly I felt wrong, like I was intruding by going through his stuff. Surely he wouldn't mind but as an artist myself, I knew what it was like to have unwanted people starring at your artwork so I decided to just put it back. However, when I went to place it back inside the drawer my eyes caught sight of something I wish they hadn't.
A ziplock baggy laid against more sheets of paper and random crap. Inside contained pills of different sizes and colors. My mouth went dry at this , I knew what these were to am extent. I didn't know what kinds they were but it didn't take a genius to figure it out.
I picked up the bag gently and held it close to me so I could admire the small pills.
Why would he do this? I knew he had problems much like myself but I guess I never knew to what extent. What if they weren't what I thought they were?
I shook my head at the idiotic thought, of course they were. But why? Why did he do this? Did he still do this?
I wasn't unfamiliar to drugs ; growing up with the stoner kids in high school and being in the music scene you see a lot and experiment a lot. I never did go past weed much however, the idea of pills scared me a little. You never exactly knew what you were taking. It seemed like I was looking at these for hours, my brain searching the bag for any answers.
The door slamming upstairs caught me off guard and made me freeze entirely from where I sat. I listened carefully as the jingle of keys echoed down the hallway along with heavy foot steps until the door to the basement swung open causing me to jump.
"Jess?!"
Mikey's voice echoed down causing both relief and more panic to flood through me.
"Yeah!" I mumbled out before quickly shoving the plastic bag back into the drawer and covering them back up with the notebook. I shoved the drawer closed just as Mikey appeared in the room.
"Hey, Gee said you'd be down here so I picked up a pizza on my way home" he began, his voice soft and timid.
He had on a black t-shirt hanging on his skinny frame. His sandy hair fell against his face and stuck underneath his glasses.
I turned to face him fully and his eyes immediately glanced to my face. His eyes lingered briefly but I didn't pay attention much to it, I'd be starring if I was him.
"You didn't have to do that Mikey"
He shrugged shyly and smirked st me again.
"I know but Gerard mentioned you had a bad day so.." he trailed off awkwardly. Me and Mikey had never really made big conversation outside of hanging wth them the few times I had. He was like me though, outgoing but shy all mixed into one.
"Well that's very nice of you"
He nodded and looked down at his feet. His glasses slid down the bridge of his nose and he popped them back up with his finger.
"Okay anyway let's cut all the mushy friendship stuff and go upstairs eat some pizza and play a video game or something?"
I looked up excitedly at him and nodded.
"Oh fuck yes, I'll beat you in whatever we play" I said confidently pulling myself off the chair
Mikey chuckled and then trailed behind me hurriedly as I began to pound up the stairs.
"In your dreams Iero"
-
The game Mikey had picked was Crash Bandicoot, not exactly a two player game. However we were having a pretty good time taking turns and seeing how many levels we could get to until we died. We had been sat on this couch for what seemed like hours just eating pizza and playing video games. It was all so oddly innocent and I liked it. Sitting on the couch and playing video games like I was 12 again, I really liked it.
Playing with Mikey also made me think of frank in a way. He would pew playful banter during my turns and even bump shoulders occasionally to try to throw me off. It was refreshing.
"Ha! You lose, my turn"
I snapped back into reality as my character fell off the cliff due to my inability to pay attention.
I looked over at Mikey who was pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose.
"On level 3 too, damn what happened to you beating me in whatever we play huh?"
I rolled my eyes at his cocky yet playful tone and shoved the controller into his waiting hands.
"Oh fuck off, i've still made it the farthest."
He let out a laugh and began to start the next level.
"Not for long" he teased simply, engaging himself into the fake world that we had been clued to for god knows how many hours.
Mikey's pink tongue poked from his mouth slightly as his fingers rapidly pushed buttons killing different monsters.
He quickly killed an enemy and before he could even have a chance to celebrate, another came up behind him and killed him.
"Mother fucker!" he cursed, dropping the controller angrily on the couch.
"Awh what's wrong? I thought you were confident"
He turned to me with a playful yet angry look on his face and he rolled his eyes. This caused me to chuckle and pat his shoulder.
"Don't worry mikes, I can give you lessons"
"Oh fuck off" he whined, pushing my hand from off his shoulder.
Once his fingers gripped my wrist a pain shot up my whole arm making me yelp slightly and yank my hand back.
We both grew quiet and I watched his eyebrows furrow as he looked to my wrist that was bare. A red and purple ring lined the area in shape of a hand print and I sighed out.
Mikey's face paled slightly as he looked up at me.
"I know you probably don't want me to mention it but I'm just curious" he started, his voice slow and steady.
I looked up at him and nodded, urging him to continue. If I didn't like the question I could always just ignore it anyway.
"Gerard didn't tell me much, just who did it and what happened basically"
"But he never did say if you're still with the guy who did it."
The look on his face wasn't one of pity rather than curiosity. His brown eyes searched mine slowly as he wiggles his lip between his teeth, chewing nervously.
"This was the last time he'll do it to me" I began, my voice slow and hoarse.
"We had a small argument that he went off the deep end at and he did, well this" I motioned to my body and he nodded slowly.
"But That was the last time. I'm done being the victim to him and everyone, I'm finished with looking so fragile."
I took in a deep breath liking how much pressure came off as I said these words although, it felt weird saying them to Mikey. I never would have seen myself opening up to him like this but hey, people change.
"So I ended it with him"
My words made a smile appear on his face and he nodded approvingly.
"Good, I'm so glad you did. You deserve so much better, we all do. Never sell yourself short for anything less than what you're worth"
His words caught me off guard slightly as they brought a smile to my face as I nodded. Mikey always seemed like the younger brother type even if he was a the same age as me. He seemed so innocent and shy when I could tell deep down he wasn't entirely.
"Thanks for that, I won't. You know you're alright Miley , I'm sorry we haven't talked much before"
I saw his cheeks tinge a light shade of red as he shook me off.
"Don't worry about it, I never took it to heart"
I smiled at him just as the door slammed open and shut. The noise made both me and Mike jump as heavy footsteps echoed down the hall.
"Mikey?!"
"Living room!" He shouted back, craning his neck towards the opening where Gerard soon entered.
His eyes light up when he saw me, probably happy I joined Mikey rather than hiding away in his basement.
"Well what's this? A party without me?"
The smile that Gerard's face held was so genuine yet I could almost see through it. Like he was used to putting it on just to get through the day.
"You were working asshole" Mikey shot as Gerard entered the living room. In one fluid motion he jumped over the back of the couch and landed smack in the middle of me and Mikey.
"Who said we wanted you here?" I teased. Gerard turned to me and smiled, poking his tongue out ever so slightly at my face.
"Well no need to be rude"
I chuckled as he reached forward and flipped the lid on the white pizza box and immediately grabbed the last slice left.
"Hey.." Mikey whined.
Gerard ignored him and crammed the probably cold pizza slice into his mouth as fast as he could.
"How was work?" I asked
"Slow as all hell. I think we only sold about 4 Cd's. Everyone else just came in to loiter or trash the place"
"Try working at the book store man, nobody reads books anymore unless it's for school"
I watched the two brothers as they delved into a conversation, their bodies pivoted so that they faced each other.
I couldn't help but let my eye wander Gerard's face, dissecting him. All I could think of were those pills and knowing if he really did do that.
He seemed so put together half the time yet I knew that wasn't the case. He was always coming to my rescue but when would someone go to his? Did he even need someone to? Or was I just overthinking this?
I didn't know what it was that attracted me to Gerard. Maybe it was his understanding towards me and what I went through, or the way he was the only one who didn't look at me with a look of pity. Because when it came down to it, he seemed to be just like me. He said so himself and I was dying to know what he meant by that, my insides burning with curiosity .
Gerard looked to me quickly, catching my eyes. He gave me a funny look signaling he must have said something to me.
"I'm sorry what?"
Both him and Mikey chuckled at my oblivion.
"I said it's getting kind of late did you want to go head downstairs?"
The red clock hanging above the TV read that it was close to midnight.
"Oh crap I didn't realize how late it was. Sure whatever you want to do"
He nodded at me and hauled his body off the couch with a long yawn.
"I'll sleep on the couch down there and you can take my bed" he explained, holding out his hand before me.
I looked at it and then placed my tiny hand in his much larger one. our palms connected forcefully as he yanked me off the couch.
My lower half gave out a painful ache as he did so making me let out a small groan and grab at it.
"I'm sorry, Did I hurt you?" He suddenly rambled and I shook him off. He wasn't the one who hurt me. No doubt this pain was from when I was sent onto Austin's bedroom floor forcefully hours prior.
"No, no it's fine"
Gerard held his gaze briefly but then shook his head and nodded.
"Okay let's head downstairs"
I nodded and watched as Mikey returned into the living room holding a red can in his hand. When did he even leave?
Gerard narrowed his eyes in at the can and let out a soft chuckle watching as his brother began to tip the can into his mouth.
"Beer?" He asked, unimpressed with his younger brother.
Mikey simply wiggled his eyebrows with a beaming smile and headed past the two of us.
"There's nothing like a nice cold one before bed. Goodnight guys"
Gerard muttered a goodnight and I simply smiled at the younger way as he patted my shoulder gently before disappearing down the hall and towards the stairs.
"Alright let's get going, I'm about ready to drop" Gerard said followed by his famous giggle. The laugh sent shivers down my spine as I followed him towards the basement door.
"You know I really don't mind the couch" I offered, making my decent in front of him down the stairs.
I stopped on the second step and looked at Gerard as he pulled the door closed shut before he motioned for me to keep moving.
"Nope you're having my bed that's final"
I rolled my eyes like a small child would and made my way back into his musty bedroom. My bag laid open on his bed while my drawing sat untouched on his desk.
This immediately caught Gerard's eyes.
"D'ya mind?" He asked, motioning to the piece of art. I stared at him dumbly for a second before shaking my head and motioned over to the desk.
"No not at all, it's not done but go for it. You've already seen it anyway"
He had only seen the outline though. I had stopped bringing it to class a week or two ago as me and Gerard never did anything besides talk anyway. It was easier to draw and shade it on my own time.
He flashed me a smile and walked to the desk. I watched him pull off his leather jacket slowly as he did so until it thudded to the floor carelessly behind him.
This caused me to snicker and move towards the bed as Gerard gazed upon the drawing. I perched on the side of the bed and watched as a few black strands fell in front of his face. He quickly brushed them away and continued to stare at the unfinished piece.
"Wow.." he breathed out slowly, still admiring the piece of art I had created.
"It's nothing that special" I pointed out making him snap his eyes to me in disbelief.
"What do you mean? This is great Jess! The lines are so edged and the way you shaded the sun through the trees. It's absolutely beautiful"
This caused a slight pink shade to fall onto my cheek as Gerard stepped away from the desk and headed for his dresser.
"It's nothing compared to the ones you draw Gerard" I pointed out and this time it was my turn to watch him turn pink. He was bent over slightly digging through his drawer.
"I'm not that good either" he said, now walking towards me with some clothes.
He stood in front of the bed and pushed a plaid pair of pants and a plain black shirt into my hands.
"Here, these should fit. you can go change in the bathroom right there if you'd like"
I quickly nodded and said nothing else as I stood off the bed and headed to the white door I never noticed to the right of the bed.
I pulled the door open and was surprised as it made no squeak or anything like all the other doors in this house. The bathroom itself was oddly clean for it belonging to Gerard.
The walls were painted a baby blue and the white titles were turning brown on the edges due to all the dirt and other things that were dragged into it. There was just a few feet between the toilet and the shower; but it was enough for me to take off my clothes and replace them with Gerard's.
The pants were blue and grey and bagged over my feet but after I rolled the waist band up they fit pretty well. The T-shirt also bagged at my waist and hung off my frail shoulders, swallowing me into the scent of cologne and cigarettes.
I took in a deep breath and turned to the mirror, looking at my face for the first time since the incident. When I did I immediately wanted to crawl into a corner and hide.
My eye had a red ring around the outer edge and a slightly purple tinge on the actual lid. Hopefully that would go down before I saw frank tomorrow. My lip on the other hand bulged in front of me due to a cut on the middle and left side.
I looked terrible.
Sighing I turned away from my image, wanting to push it deep into the back of my mind for now. I grabbed my clothes and piled them neatly on the little towel rack near the light switch before slowly opening the door. I was praying that if Gerard was changing he already had to avoid any awkward encounters.
Sure enough Gerard was stood at his bed, fussing over the blankets in a grey shirt and black pair of sweatpants. Thank god.
The click of the door closing caused Gerard head to snap up and look at me with a smile.
"Hey those for pretty good, sorry if they're a little big"
I shook my head and walked towards him. The bed had a few blankets of various stitching and colors laid out on it along with about 3 pillows lined on the end. I noticed behind him his couch was already set up with a blanket and pillows for himself as well.
"They're perfect, honestly Gerard thank you. Thank you for everything.
He beamed at me and shrugged his shoulders.
"Don't worry about it okay? I'm just sorry about the day you had but I'm glad you're here" he began
"So are you okay? You know after everything?"
I watched him for a second and sighed but gave the best smile I could.
"You know Gerard I am? Despite how it went down I'm just happy I got out of the relationship. I was done playing the victim as I said before, I'd rather be alone then live like that.
His eyes light up and he nodded.
"Well I'm so glad. As I told you, you don't have to be alone. I'm here"
He took in a deep inhale playing his words with such precise.
"I know what it's like to have no one and I'm just glad I can be someone you feel comfortable with" he finished, the tone of his voice making my heart almost break.
I watched his eyes, the green specks dancing around his hazel eyes that held so much emotion.
"I'm here for you too you know.." I started off, my breathing suddenly starting to pick up.
He looked at me, the look I normally would give someone. The look of wanting to believe so badly yet feeling alone at the same time. I knew that look too well.
"I know that Jess, were here for each other. We understand each other, I trust you just as much as I hope you trust me."
"Then can I ask you something?" I asked. Oh god, was I really going to do this?
I couldn't tell if it was my tired brain making me so confident or my curiosity getting to me but I had to.
"Yes of course"
I took in a small breath and looked into his eyes again.
"Why are you taking those pills Gerard?"
At my words I watched Gerard transform. His face visibly paled and his shoulders tensed violently.
"What- what pills? I'm not taking any-"
"I was looking for an eraser and found the bag in your drawer Gerard" I said, sighing sadly at the boy.
His eyes filled with panic and he stepped away from me, pushing a hand in his hair.
"They aren't anything Jess don't worry"
"Gerard, I know they're something. Please just talk-"
"No! They're nothing!" He snapped his voice taking me off guard. I jumped back slightly, images of Austin screaming at me prior ramming into my brain. Gerard had never raised his voice at me, never.
When I did this his eyes dimmed and he let out a frustrated breath and shook his head at me. His frame relaxed and he stoped closer to me.
"Jess i'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap"
I nodded, my breath still came out in pants but I relaxed knowing out of all people, Gerard would never hurt me.
"It's just-can we please just forget about this. Please?"
His eyes begged me, pleaded with me as he stood in front of me. His body was shaking slightly. I sighed, I didn't want to but for his sake I knew it was better to leave it and bring it up another time or let him come to me.
"Okay"
He smiled and breathed out in relief before walking closer, his arms quickly grabbed me in a hug and let myself melt into it.
All the other hugs we had shared were for me before but this one? I knew this one was for him.
The way his body shook still with the realization that I knew. I could relate to this, the sick feeling of getting caught in your own self destruction, I got it. That's why I did the only thing I knew would help for now, I squeezed him back.
The hug lasted longer than any we had shared before and I knew it's exactly what he needed.
He pulled away breathing heavily before letting out a giant yawn.
"Let's get some sleep yeah? I think we both got some stuff to do tomorrow"
"Do you have work tomorrow?" I asked, half trying to lighten the mood half curious as to what exactly he had to do.
He shook his head at me and moved to the stairway. His hand hovered over the dirty white light switch.
"No, band practice. We have to practice for our show on Monday" he explained
"What show?"
He gave a small chuckle and then flicked the switch down, sending the room into a cloak of darkness. The only light came from the bright moon creeping its way in through the small window.
" You're really out of the loop aren't you?" He teased, walking past me towards the couch.
I took this as my clue to head to the bed and did so, doing my best to avoid the obstacles of clothing and other random junk on the floor.
"Shut up" I hissed, falling onto the bed with a squeak of the springs.
"My Chem is opening for pence preps last gig down at the arrow on Monday night" he explained.
"Oh wait! Frank did tell me about that I forgot"
Gerard chuckled again and I could hear his moving around on the old couch trying to get comfortable it seemed.
"There you go, you know something at least"
I rolled my eyes and pressed my head against one of the pillows.
"I know you're a jerk" I shot tiredly, the sensation now hitting me as I laid my head down.
Another chuckle echoed across the dark room but nothing else was said. It was quiet apart from both our breathing as I looked across the room. The glow of the moon light up Gerard's bookshelf and I found my eyes traveling across the meant shelves but I couldn't make anything else.
"Hey Jess?" Gerard called out, a hint of something flowing with them.
"Yeah?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper to Gerard's.
There was another long pause, as if he was debating on exactly what he wanted to say. I half thought he would bring up the earlier conversation that he set off on.
"Goodnight"
I smiled gently and pressed my head further into his pillow and brought the blanket further up my shoulders.
"Goodnight Gerard"