City of Delusion

"Joanna."

I turned my head to look at Patrick, who had just entered my hospital room. I smiled at him, trying to push the pain I felt out of my mind.

"Patrick. How are they?"

He nodded, biting his lower lip. A wave of worry came over me.

"Patrick..."

"It was a boy and a girl like they said it would be..."

"Was?"

"The boy was stillborn. Our little Jason was stillborn."

I stared at him, trying to find some sign that this was just a sick joke.

"No... and Gabrielle?"

"She's in critical condition. They said she might not make it."

"No..." I leaned forward in agony, both mentally and physically. This couldn't be happening. Tears streamed out of my eyes. I didn't want to deal with this. I couldn't. I gazed up at Patrick.

"Joa-"

"I'm so sorry."

"For what? It wasn't your fault."

"I was never meant to be a mother. I'm the worst person ever. God hates me."

"No, don't st-"

I moaned in distress, causing a nurse to run in and inject something into my IV.

"Joanna, just relax."

"I..." My head felt dizzy. Patrick grabbed my hand, slowly massaging it, and I fell back onto the bed, falling asleep on contact.

When Patrick got back, I was in the living room, head in my hands, crying. The tears had just started pouring when he left. It had been a reminder of the stupidity and mistakes I had succumbed to. Combined with the flashback I had seen, I couldn't stop them. I was the worst person in the world.

"Hey, are you all right?"

Patrick rushed to my side, patting my arm nervously. I looked up at him.

"What happened to you hating me? That's the only emotion you've been showing me since yesterday."

"I just needed to cool off and be alone for a bit. I took a walk around the block, got mobbed by a few girls, and came back." He grinned at me, albeit hesitantly.

"Patrick, I saw it."

"Saw what?"

"The hospital incident. After the birth. Did they both really die?"

Patrick bit his lip and nodded solemnly. I felt the tears start again, but Patrick hugged me, soothingly patting my back. I stayed in his arms, just letting all my emotions out. I didn't want to let go, but he loosened his embrace after a few minutes and looked at me. I avoided his gaze by staring at the floor, but he lifted my chin and wiped away my tears.

"It's alright. None of this was your fault."

I nodded, and then leaned in to kiss him. If everything was alright, he should accept it, right?

He pushed me off as soon as our lips touched. He looked me in the eyes, surprise written all over his face.

"You can't do this."

"Yes, I can. I make my own decisions, Patrick. Even if I have no idea who I am, I'm the one who decides what I do and I've decided I don't love Paul. I don't love John. I can never truly be happy unless I'm with you."

I felt relief as the words tumbled out of my mouth. Now he would know how I truly felt. He stared at me, opening his mouth a few times to say something, but stopping before he did.

"You may feel that way, but you're married. There's so much more to this than there should be. I- I can't just say okay, I forgive you, come back to me and you can't act like everything's okay. What about Paul? I can tell he cares for you, and yes, I'm jealous of what the two of you have, but I'm not about to be second best."

I noticed he was looking down at my hand, gazing at the ring that was there. I took it off and threw it across the room, turning to see a surprised Patrick after.

"Better now? It doesn't mean anything to me. It's a form of imprisonment to me. I'm glad to
be rid of it."

I leaned in again, but he got up, deflecting me yet again.

"What now?"

"You really aren't the same person. The girl I was in love with wasn't such a slut."

His words stung me. I was. I really was. Here I was, practically trying to seduce Patrick, meanwhile, my deranged husband was running around Chicago and my lover/ex-boyfriend was in a holding cell in L.A. I stared at Patrick's shoes and bit my lip.

"I'll leave. Before I go, let me just say that I do gravely apologize for everything I've done. I don't deserve someone wonderful like you. I hope you do find the girl of your dreams." I started to go up the stairs, twisting the ring in my hand, trying to will the tears away.

"Wait." Patrick bounded behind me, grabbing my arm to spin me around and pin me against the wall. He kissed me, a passionate kiss full of longing and want. I returned the kiss, a bit disappointed when he pulled away. He stroked my hair and smiled.

"Forgive me for what I said earlier. You are the girl of my dreams. I just don't want to accept that some other guy has you."

"Don't accept it. I'm yours, now and forever."

"I love you, Joanna."

"I love you too, Patrick."

Little did I know my troubles were only beginning...