Smoked Out

No. This can't be happening. No. No. No. No. I wanted the basement, I did. So why am I staring at Talon Langworth and his gigantic pickup truck littering my driveway? It's bad enough that my parents decided not to give me the basement; did they really have to rent it out to that pain in the ass? I had been going to school with him since the ninth grade and everybody knows that you do not want to socialize with Talon Langworth and his cloud of smoke. I swear he goes through five packs a day and I don't even think he's ever taken off that grimy leather jacket long enough to clean it. This had to be a joke. My parents couldn't possibly be doing this to me; this was social suicide.

“Why don't you go out there and greet him like a normal person?” I heard a smooth familiar voice say, one that belonged to my mom. Clearly she didn't understand the rules of high school. It wasn't that Talon was the guy that everyone hated or thought was weird even, it was that he was the guy that everybody knew got around. He was the guy that drove his truck to school with its loud engine and heavy metal music blaring, the guy that I could never be caught dead with. I was an A student; I figure skate, I listen to Of Monsters And Men, and I have weekly movie dates with my friends. I was not the kind of girl who could afford to earn a reputation that hanging around a guy like Talon was sure to bring.

“I don't think he cares if I greet him or not.” I said, walking away from the living room window, which I hadn't moved from in a long while, and sitting down on the black leather couch my dad insisted on getting last year. I shivered against the coolness of the material and grabbed a blanket off the coffee table in front of me where my mom was folding laundry.

“Hey, I don't want you being bitter towards your father and I for this. We needed to make some extra money and this was the quickest way we knew how.” I sighed knowing that my parents did feel bad for having to do this and the last thing they needed was an upset seventeen year old girl complaining every ten seconds. I ran my hands through my hair and smiled at her reassuringly to let her know I wasn't mad.

“I won't be bitter. Promise.” I said standing up and kissing her on the cheek. “Movie date with the girls, gotta go.” I had been standing at the window huffing for so long that I had forgotten that tonight was Mandy Moore night and that Beverly and Amy were probably waiting for me with a bowl of popcorn and “A Walk To Remember” already in the DVD player. If I had to pick any two people to be stuck on a deserted island with for ten years, Beverly and Amy would be them.

I remember when I first met them. It was the beginning of ninth grade and lucky me was dating eleventh grade Kevin O'Connor. I can't really tell you what made me want to go out with a guy like Kevin, except for the fact that he was older and could drive. We only lasted a month until I decided that dating wasn't something I wanted to focus my time on. I met Beverly just after I broke up with Kevin. I was walking down the football hall, listening to his voice fade as I went when Beverly thought it would be appropriate to applaud me. “Pretty big balls on you, my friend. Breaking up with the junior quarterback could grant you top-of-the-list outcast.” She hadn't said it mockingly and I was never made an outcast because of the break up either, but after that we were inseparable.

A few weeks later we met Amy at Talon Langworth's party. Talon was always your typical “bad ass” kid, but in ninth grade he had a certain innocence about him; one that was quickly washed away with cigarettes and condom wrappers. Amy was dating Talon's best friend Carson at the time who hadn't hesitated to leave her as he went to hangout with some of his friends. That's when she found Beverly and I sitting on the kitchen counter, spitting our shots of alcohol back into our shot glasses. I could just imagine the looks on our faces and how disgusted we were. I haven't taken a swig of alcohol since. Beverly on the other hand makes her rounds at the end of the week parties, usually dragging me with her as designated driver.

“Drink some of this, it'll help with the burn.” A tall, stunning brunette, said to us handing over a bottle of orange juice. Beverly and I took turns drinking it until it was empty, which made me feel bad when I remembered that it wasn't all for just the two of us. I looked back at the girl worried who just flicked her hand in the air and said, “No worries. I was done with it. I'm Amy by the way.”

“Macy,” I said bobbing my head a bit to the music. “This is my friend, Beverly.” I don't remember exactly what happened after that to get us all talking, but I do remember that we never stopped. We were all sober and if I'm being completely honest, I think the three of us had the most fun. At one point Carson and his friends had picked us up and dragged us outside to the grass where we whipped mud at one another and didn't care about how dirty our clothes got. Amy and Carson broke up after that party and ever since that night Carson and Talon were never really the same.

“Way to be late!” Amy said as I walked through her front door, kicking off my shoes, and plopping myself on her living room couch. As I predicted, there was popcorn sitting in a bowl on her table, with a blown up picture of Mandy Moore and Shane West's face on her TV screen.

“Sorry,” I said crossing my legs. “I was shocked by my new roommate.” I knew I was being over dramatic and that Talon wasn't my new roommate but I had already filled them in on the situation via text, so I didn't really have to explain myself.

“Oh don't be so dramatic.” Beverly said sitting down beside me. “He's totally hot and you know it.” I had to admit that aside from his leather jacket and ripped jeans, his shoulder length blonde hair, and his jack ass personality, he was kind of good looking. He had really nice golden brown eyes and a killer smile, but that meant nothing when you compared it to his lack of motivation, his failing report card, and his ability to irritate just about anyone who crossed his path.

“There's more to a person than looks. If I went out with guys just because they were hot, I would still be dating Kevin O’Connor and you two would have spent all of 10th grade helping me look for a prom dress.” Amy rolled her eyes and sat herself down on the floor in front of us.

“We aren't telling you to date him, Mace. We're saying it probably isn't so bad. Besides, I think your problem is that you're too good. You spend more time building up your good girl reputation than you do building your life.” I bit my lower lip and stared at the TV screen where Shane West's arms were wrapped comfortably around Mandy Moore's.

“What's so bad about wanting to have a good reputation?” I asked, confused. The way I see it, the better your reputation, the better chance you have at getting a teacher to send in a recommendation to a good college. The better you are as a person, the more chance you have at living a happier life. I don't understand why wanting to have a good reputation was such a hard thing for them to grasp.

“Nothing,” Beverly said taking the popcorn bowl into her hands and popping a few pieces in her mouth. “Except that you forget to live for yourself.”

“I do live for myself.” Of course I lived for myself. Who else was I going to live for? I didn't have anyone else except for my parents and I sometimes thought I was selfish for wanting all the things in life that I wanted. A nice cozy house, a husband, kids, to be a professional figure skater, to win medals, and to travel.

“One day you'll understand what I'm saying.” She said shrugging her shoulders. “But for now, let's indulge ourselves in popcorn and watch one of the saddest Nicholas Sparks films ever made.”

“Amen to that.” Amy said, picking up the remote control and clicking play. We all sat in silence as the beginning of the movie played and Shane West entered in his little red car preparing to have the desperate-to-fit-in new kid jump into the water. I couldn't imagine ever wanting to fit in that badly that I'd risk my life to be accepted. I always thought that the guy who hurt himself was an idiot for letting those guys push him that far only to leave him there when he needed them most.

I zoned out about half way through the movie and started to think about what they meant. It's not like they didn't care about what people thought of them. Everybody cares at least a little bit, whether they'll admit it or not. And it's not that I do care a whole lot about what people think of me, it's more that I care about how far I get in life. I wouldn't have achieved everything I have so far without being the person I am. I like how I am and I like how people see me, is that really such a bad thing?

I flashed back to that party in grade nine when I was just laying in the grass covered in mud, with Talon beside me. In that moment I never would have thought that he would have turned out to be the way he is now. Giving me dirty looks in the hallway, brushing past me as if he hadn't seen me standing there, making a smart-ass remark every time I said something he didn't particularly like. In that moment he made my stomach feel weird and we were both laughing at how ridiculous we looked. He told me that he never wanted me to change, that I was a good person, that we didn't have many people in the world like me. In that moment he was just a kid who wanted more from life than what he had. He had ambitions, but such is life, he stopped caring about his future and his ambitions. He decided that no one was worth his time. And so now, I've decided that he's not worth mine.