Smoked Out

I could rehearse all week if I wanted, but nothing was going to take my mind off of that kiss with Talon. I felt horrible every time I was around Chase and I contemplated telling him the entire week, but each time my throat tightened and I couldn’t get the words out. I also didn’t want to cause any conflict between Talon and Chase, even though Talon was clearly a crappy friend; however, at the same time the kiss made me wonder about Chase’s intentions again. I think it was because Talon and Chase were pretty good friends and Talon is about loyalty, so for him to kiss me even while I’m with Chase there must be something off. I hope not, but it made me nervous.

“Hey, so, I’m going to be doing something later you probably aren’t going to like, but I don’t want to lie to you.” Chase stated, cautiously as we walked along the sidewalk around the corner from his house. He had asked me to meet his little sister, Aubrey today and we had spent the last few hours at the park with her before taking her home and going out for a walk. I met his parents briefly, but they had little interest in who I was or even what Chase chose to do with his time, so we got Aubrey and left.

She was a sweet little girl. She was six years old and absolutely beautiful. She had long hazelnut coloured hair just like Chase and big blue eyes. She was shy at first but opened up after a while and we spent most of the time giving her underdogs on the swing. It was amazing how connected Chase was with her and how much you could tell she looked up to him. It made me like him so much more.

Which is why the words, ‘I’m going to be doing something later you probably aren’t going to like’ had my heart racing.

“What’s that?” I asked, nervously.

“Well,” he stopped moving and put his arms around my waist. “I own a motorcycle…”

“Yes…” I had my arms around him too but I was half preparing myself to push him away.

“There’s a race I gotta go to tonight, one that is probably stupidly dangerous and that I know you are going to try and talk me out of.” I stopped breathing and backed away from him slightly so that his arms were still loosely around me, but not as snuggly as before.

“You’re going to a race?” He nodded. “You’re participating?” Another nod. “Way to leave that out of the what-you-should-know-about-me-on-the-first-date manual.” I snapped, but I didn’t mean too.

“Look, I really really like you. More than I’ve liked anyone in a really long time, but this is part of me and how I spend my time and I’m not going to change that.” He was being sincere with his words but there was an ultimatum hidden in them. He wasn’t going to change for me.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t ask you to change any part of yourself, but I’m invested in you now which means I get scared when I think you’re doing stupid stuff.” He pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear and gave me one of his beautiful smiles.

“I love that you worry about me.” I raised my arm, my hand reaching for his cheek, and glided my thumb gently over his lips.

“There isn’t going to be a you to worry about soon, you know that right?” I said the words softly, so that he knew I was scared more than I was mad. “Can I come?” He cocked an eyebrow at me.

“I wouldn’t ever let you come to something like that.” I furrowed my brows in confusion.

“Why?” I wanted to go before but now I want to go a million times more.

“Because I love you and it’s dangerous.” His eyes had gone from genuine care, to surprise mixed with fear. I felt myself tense under his arms, not sure how to respond. Did he mean what he said in the traditional way of saying it? Or did he mean it like a casual, you’re in my life and I have a love for you kind of way? We had only been dating for barely three weeks. Nonetheless, I felt my heart flutter.

“You love me?” I asked, looking up at him, making sure our eyes were aligned. “It’s only been like - ”

“Not even three weeks? Yeah. That’s why I’m going to pretend that didn’t just come out of my mouth.” I pulled completely away from him now, even more confused.

“I don’t get it. Do you just go around telling all the hundreds of girls you date you love them even when you don’t?” I was hurt, but I couldn’t be sure what expression he was reading on my face right now.

“What? No, Macy. I’ve never said it to anyone before.” I felt my heart speed up and I suddenly felt out of breath.

“What?”

“You are the only person I have ever felt this way about. I didn’t mean for the words to come out and scare you. I know you don’t feel the same way yet, that’s why I was going to wait a while.” I felt a mixture of emotions start to whirl around inside me.

“You deserve somebody who loves you back.” Was all I said. He looked at me with panic, not sure what I was getting at.

“You don’t have to love me back right now, Macy. It’s early. I understand things take time.” He was so perfect, in every way possible. So kind and generous and caring. I melted into his eyes when he looked at me.

“It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s that I do.” He looked even more confused now while I struggled to form the words to explain what I meant.

“I don’t understand. Isn’t that considered loving me back then?” He was smirking, but his eyes were scared for what I was going to say.

“It is, but not in the way you deserve. We were just having a conversation about how I don’t particularly enjoy the ways you choose to spend your time. You deserve somebody to love every single part of you, who won’t try to get you to change your mind when you go off to do something dangerous. Someone who understands why you have to. I just don’t think I’m quite good enough or deserving enough for your first I love you to be to me.” He wrapped his arms around me and lifted my chin up so I was looking directly at him.

“I love you for all the reasons you think you aren’t deserving of my love. I don’t expect you to change your ideals for me, I know you think so, but I don’t. I went into this relationship knowing full well who you are and I am telling you I love you knowing that exact same thing now.” I felt a weight release from my shoulders and I smiled. For all the things to come out of his mouth while talking to me, I love you was my favourite.

“Can you say it again?” I asked before kissing him.

“Say I love you?” He asked against my lips. I nodded. “I love you, Macy Crawford.”

“So, I’m coming now?” I smiled through the kiss. He shook his head at me and pulled away from the kiss, choosing to make eye contact instead.

“I guess I can’t say no to you.” He said, biting his lower lip. I smiled widely. I hated what he was getting himself into, but I was also curious to know what my boyfriend would be doing at these types of things. I figured that was a normal feeling. “I should warn you that Talon is going.” My face fell.

Chase just told me he was in love with me and here I stood, an adulterous, claiming to love him back. What kind of person had I become? I did love him, but what kind of person would he think I was if he found out not only that Talon kissed me, but for a brief moment I had kissed him back. In that moment I had forgotten about my boyfriend. It was just a moment, but it counted. I felt terrible. I didn’t want to see Talon ever again.

I looked up at Chase who squeezed my shoulders, probably in an attempt to comfort me knowing how much Talon and I didn’t get along. If you had asked me a few months ago if I thought that a guy like Chase deserved me, I probably would have said no, but now it’s me who doesn’t deserve him. Maybe it’s always been like that. Maybe I’m just not deserving of anybody’s love.

It had taken Chase a really long time to get me on the back of his bike. He had told me a hundred times what it was but I kept forgetting. He made sure to point out and emphasize that the bike he was using at the race was not his beloved Harley, gifted from his grandfather before he passed away, whatever that meant, and that he was a safe driver. I think part of me didn’t want to get on the back of it because I knew if I did I would be driving into something potentially dangerous, but I insisted on coming out of my own stubbornness, so I forced myself on and held on to Chase like my life depended on it.

It was a little scary at first but it grew on me the longer we rode. I became more relaxed and I actually found that it gave me time to think. Not that I liked doing much of that lately. It was still nice, nonetheless.

He pulled up to this slightly paved path that lead into a forest and tilted his head back to me so that I could hear him. “There’s a roadway nobody really knows about at the end of this trail, just watch your feet okay? Sometimes the branches stick out too far.” I nodded, not sure if he could see me in the mirror or not or feel the motion.

“Aren’t you worried about your bike getting scratched?” I yelled over the sound of the bike. He shook his head, and I could tell he was laughing.

“This thing is a shitbox. It’s had work done, sure, but I’m not too worried about it.” I shrugged my shoulders, completely confused with the whole situation, but willing to go along with it.

He continued along the trail for about ten minutes, the branches only hitting my legs a couple of times, until we reached an opening where an old road stretched out in front of us. I thought I knew all of the roads here, but this one was unfamiliar to me and I wasn’t sure where it lead to.

There were bikes and people everywhere, smoke clouding over us from both the bikes that were running and nicotine sticks people had. There was a faint smell of pot in the air too and I immediately felt uncomfortable. It was mostly guys, all different ages, but there were a lot of girls too. I noticed Aurora in the distance and waved at her when she looked my way.

Chase pulled up beside Talon, who was standing with Aurora having a cigarette beside his own bike, and I pretended not to be bothered by it or him. I hopped off the bike and fidgeted with the helmet for a bit before Chase noticed and helped me take it off.

“Nice helmet hair.” He said, running his hands down the sides of my hair to smooth it out for me before giving me a kiss.

“Why would you bring her here?” Talon asked, angrily. Chase looked over at him, caught off guard, and Aurora raised her eyebrows in a ‘what the fuck’ motion. “Do you know the shit that goes on here?”

“Hey, I made him take me.” I said, annoyed. I didn’t know what he meant by ‘the shit that goes on here’ and I admit it made me nervous to think about, but he didn’t get to play body guard towards my boyfriend.

“I tried, man, but she’s persuasive.” Chase answered, clearly not fazed by Talon’s bad mood. He wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed me on the forehead. I smiled, feeling giddy just being in his arms. “It would make me feel better if you didn’t wander off though. Stick with us until we go and then don’t leave Aurora’s side.” I nodded, suddenly very aware of my surroundings and completely freaked out. Aurora noticed and smiled, shaking her head at him.

“You’re not going to die, Macy, don’t worry. They’re both just being overprotective.” She said, taking the last drag of her smoke and putting it out with the bottom of her crimson red heal. “Chase, you should probably go let Jimmy know you’re here. He’s been looking for you.”

“Alright, I’ll be back.” He said, removing his arm from around my waist before walking over to a group of guys that looked scarier than he did. They looked like the macho biker guys you would expect to see patched up, but they weren’t. You didn’t want to mess with them that was for sure.

I felt awkward standing there beside Talon, his eyes meeting mine briefly every so often and then turning away to look at something else. He didn’t seem angry, just annoyed I was there, but what else was new?

I suddenly became very aware of how I was dressed. I was wearing a floral tank with a black cardigan overtop of it, dark blue jeans, and purple ballet flats. Definitely not something anybody else was wearing. Aurora looked edgy and beautiful as always, this time a leather jacket draped over a black corset. Talon was obviously sporting his leather jacket and ripped jeans, but this time he was also wearing a pair of leather gloves and a bulkier pair of combat boots. They both looked completely badass and fit in with the crowd flawlessly. I, however, did not.

“Is Carson here yet?” Aurora asked, looking at Talon. “He hasn’t texted me.” Normally after hearing Carson’s name I would have rolled my eyes, but now I wouldn’t have minded if he showed up.

“I don’t think he’s coming tonight. He said something about getting Griffin out of a mess again.” I hoped Griffin wasn’t in too big of a mess, but I doubted it since Carson was missing this seemingly important event to get him out of it.

“Figures,” she said, rolling her eyes. “How come you wanted to come, Macy? Finally decide we were cool enough to hang out with.” She winked at me, making it noted that she was just teasing me and not trying to be a bitch.

“More like trying to make sure my boyfriend is safe.” I said, biting my lower lip. I definitely didn’t like it here and I definitely wished Chase didn’t like it here either.

“He’ll be fine, he does this all the time. Plus if he wins there’s a few thousand dollars waiting for him at the finish line. Unless, of course, Talon wins this one.” My brows furrowed in confusion.

“Wait, so you two are racing each other?” I sighed, rubbing my temples. He shrugged.

“There’s a few of us racing.” He hesitated before speaking to me, as if he was breaking some hidden rule if he chose to acknowledge me completely.

I turned around slightly just in time to notice that Chase was motioning subtly for Talon to come over. Talon didn’t say anything, just walked over to Chase where they conversed in low voices, making extra certain that nobody else could hear them. Aurora shifted nervously beside me, clearly having some idea of what was going on, and I felt myself becoming anxious.

“What’s going on?” I demanded. She shifted her focus from the guys to me, surprised, as if she had forgotten I had been standing there.

“I’m not sure,” she said, looking back at the guys trying to examine them more carefully. That didn’t make me feel better. “It’s probably just race talk nobody is supposed to know.” I nodded like I understood, but in reality I had no idea what ‘race talk’ would imply or how bad it could be that they had to discuss it.

“Fuck it!” Talon shouted, making his way back over to us.

“Woah, bud, think this through a little.” Chase shouted, following after him. Neither of them acknowledged that we were there. Talon ran his hands through his hair, bothered by whatever it was they were talking about, and threw his helmet on. His bike roared to life and he hopped on, revving the engine so everyone knew he meant business.

“He wants to test me, let him bring it!” He shouted over the engine, before riding off to what I assumed was the starting point of the race.

“What’s going on?” I demanded for the second time. Now I was really stressing out.

“He’s up against Gaige.” Chase answered me, but he was looking at Aurora.

“He’s going to get himself killed, are you kidding me?” Aurora shouted at Chase, projecting her anger onto him. “He knows Gaige fights dirty. Go stop him!” My heart beat quickened now and I felt the fear start to creep up. What the hell were they involved with? Who was Gaige?

“He sure fucking does,” Chase ran his right hand through his hair and pulled the helmets off the handle bars of his bike, handing me the one I used. “but Gaige slept with Serena so he isn’t going to let this go.” I rolled my eyes. Of course this was about Serena; of course Talon was risking getting himself injured to fight this guy again. This time I wasn’t going to be able to stop it.

“Stay with Aurora.” Chase said, kissing me quickly on the lips before riding off to join Talon at the starting point. I let him ride off, knowing there was nothing I could do to stop him from going. I’m not sure what I was expecting when we got here, but this was far more dangerous. They were clearly breaking trespassing laws to be here, the money had to come from god knows where, and nobody seemed fazed by the fact that Talon was apparently riding off to get himself killed.

They were all lined up now waiting for the signal. There four of them total and I couldn’t tell which one was Gaige from where I was standing. I was assuming Gaige was the same guy from the party that Talon tried to fight but I wasn’t completely sure. Everyone was standing in crowds around them, waiting for it to begin. I wasn’t sure how they could get away with this when everyone was so damn loud. Some guy who looked like he was in his late thirties blew his whistle a few times to get everyone to silence and then went through the rules. There weren’t any. Dirty play was fair game and the first guy to loop back around to the same spot they were in now won the money. He threw his hands up and Chase and Talon nodded to each other. The guy lowered his hands and everyone took off.

“Should I be worried? Because I feel worried.” I said, looking over at Aurora.

“How about we let them be dumb and we talk about other things,” She said, smirking at me. “Like how you clearly have some type of attachment to Talon, but yet you’re dating Chase.” She stumped me.

“What?” I was so taken back by her words that I froze.

“I’m not busting your lady balls, this is just between us. I’ve just noticed that you and Talon have this weird chemistry is all.” She pulled a smoke out and lit it, taking a long drag through her ruby red lips and making sure to blow the smoke away from my face.

“I’m not sure what you mean about chemistry, unless you mean we have negative chemistry. I’m with Chase, I don’t think about Talon; we don’t even like each other.” I tried not to think about the kiss and how much I liked it. I tried not to let that thought take over again. I chose Chase, I love him.

I could hear the noise of the bikes returning and faced the opposite direction, not sure who I was going to see. A bike came into view and I recognized that it was Talon, Chase right behind him. I felt relief that they were both still intact.

Another bike whipped around the bend and matched Talon’s speed, pushing him off to the side, daring him to try and fight back. I felt my breath stop. Talon tried to edge himself back onto the road but the guy wouldn’t let him and continued to push him off.

I watched it happen like it was in slow motion. Talon’s bike caught on something and flipped, sending him flying across the pavement. I heard myself scream, but I couldn’t feel it and before I could think about anything I had dropped the helmet I was holding and was running over to him. I heard Aurora scream beside me, covering her mouth and falling to the ground. I reached him before everyone else, collapsing beside him trying to see where he was hurt.

“Talon!” I shouted, his body lay still on the ground. “Talon, answer me! Talon!” I must have screamed for minutes before I felt Chase behind me, pulling me away so that somebody with medical experience could take a look. “What are you doing? He’s hurt!” I shouted, trying to wiggle through his grasp.

“Macy, it’s me, it’s Chase, they have to make sure he’s okay.” I looked around, anger rushing through my body, until I spotted him. He had parked his bike and was laughing with some guy a little bit away. I was so fueled with anger and adrenaline that I didn’t stop to think about what I was doing before marching up to him and kicking him in the balls. He groaned and fell to the ground, his hand grabbing his junk like it had some mystical healing power.

“Get this bitch away from me, Chase!” Gaige warned. The guys he had been laughing with were now standing beside him, waiting to throw punches. I hadn’t realized that Chase had caught up to me, his body blocking mine in anticipation for what was to come. Gaige stood up, no longer letting the pain get to him. “I’m going to fucking strangle her.” I knew he meant it. I felt my adrenaline simmer and all that was left of my outrage was my shaking body, scared for what was going to happen.

“I’d walk away if I were you.” Chase growled, his right arm pushing me behind him. “You already fucked with one of my guys, now you’re threatening my girlfriend? We both know that without any kind of weapon on you I can kick your ass, so walk the fuck away.” I had never seen Chase so angry. His face was beat red and the veins in his neck stuck out when he spoke. I don’t even think I had ever heard him swear as much as I had tonight. It was easy to see, through this side of Chase, how well he actually fit in with his group.

“You’ll get what’s coming to you.” Gaige spit out before walking away with his group. It sent chills through my body and I immediately regretted interfering. I had definitely made things worse.

“Was about to tell you the same thing.” I was officially freaked out and wanted nothing but to curl up in a ball in my bed and never leave. I turned around to look for Talon and felt a wave of relief when I noticed he was conscious and trying to stand up with the help of the two guys who had gone over to help him.

I left Chase beside me and ran back over to Talon, panicking when I noticed the amount of blood dripping from the cuts on his head. Something inside me had clicked and I knew that I never wanted to see him hurt like this again, no matter how much he frustrated me or made me mad. Talon turned his head in my direction, his eyes meeting mine, and I stopped dead in my tracks. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t find the words. I just stared at him, my eyes watering with worry.

He looked away from me and turned to face Aurora, “are you good to ride my bike back?” I saw her nod and my mouth hung open. How was there even a bike left to ride back?

I noticed how eerily quiet the area was now; only a few people had stayed behind, but the rest must have cleared out when the accident happened. Probably afraid that with so many people around somebody was bound to call the cops. I wasn’t sure why that wasn’t my first plan of action instead of storming off to kick some terrifying guy in the nuts.

Chase came over and put his hand on my lower back, guiding me over to his bike that sat in the middle of the road where he had left it in his panic to get to Talon. I looked up at his face and couldn’t read his expression. I felt a knot in my stomach.

He didn’t say anything to me at all during the ride back, not even when we had reached a stop light in the middle of an empty intersection. He had to be mad at me for confronting Gaige like that. I knew that’s why he wasn’t talking. I felt so stupid for jeopardizing his safety the way I did and now he was going to have to watch his back for Gaige’s revenge.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, once we had reached my house and he had walked me to the door. My hands were balled up inside the ends of the sleeves of my cardigan due to nerves and I wasn’t sure how he was going to react. He stood there quiet for a long time, contemplating what to say.

“You sure went out of your way to get revenge for somebody you claim to hate.” He said, his eyes not meeting mine. He was staring upward, his body closed off from me. So he wasn’t mad that I confronted Gaige, he was mad that it was in defense of Talon? I felt confused.

“Talon and I may not get along, but I don’t want to see him hurt.” I said, surprisingly defensive.

“The panic in your eyes, Macy, that wasn’t normal panic just because you didn’t want somebody to get hurt. That was agonizing panic, the kind you get when you love someone.” I shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes.

“No it wasn’t. I swear, I don’t have feelings for him.” I reached out and touched his arms, wanting him to stop being so closed off. He finally looked at me.

“Do you want to know how I know that?” I didn’t answer. “I had the exact same reaction when you had confronted Gaige and it was you that was in danger.” I felt my heart sink.

“Chase, please, stop. I want to be with you.” I cupped his face in my hands now, making sure he was keeping direct eye contact with me and understanding what I was saying. He reached up and took my hands into his, gently bringing them down and away from him again.

“I think we both need some time to think about how we feel.” He whispered, turning his body completely away from me. I watched him walk back over to his bike, wanting to call out to him, but knowing it wouldn’t make a difference. Instead I sank down onto the step and screamed into my cardigan, not letting myself cry.