Relevance

A ray of sunlight seeped in through the curtains, aiming right at me. I woke up with a frown fuelled by that bothersome headache only a hangover could provide. Rolling over onto my back, I noticed another body beside me.

John’s sleeping body on top of my covers sent a lightning bolt through my body, jolting me up from bed. I rapidly ran hands and eyes through my body, glad to touch fabric and see covered skin.

I tried to slow down my skyrocketing heartbeat—deep breaths did the trick. My head met with the pillow once again, this time facing John. His dormant face remained peaceful and his breath was steady, barely audible if it weren’t for the rise and fall of his chest.

The previous night rushed back to memory as quickly as it had unfolded. I hadn’t had a time to myself to think, to analyse, to attempt to make sense of the messes I always managed to find myself in.

John had done in a week what Scott hadn’t done until now. I didn’t want to pressure Scott in any way—I knew my exceptions had been high when we got together—, but I had loved him six weeks in. Wasn’t a week too little to tell?

I wanted to shake John awake, to question him further, to get a few kisses in between too. Instead, I swung my legs out of bed, propelling my body up. I sat there for several seconds, unsure of what to think next—there were just so many things.

Scott emerged first in the sea of thoughts, along with the guilt that travelled through my veins. My heart tightened the longer his name echoed through the walls of my brain. I closed my eyes and the nose burning and the throat tightening sensations arrived.

I didn’t want to let go of something I had been holding onto for this long. God, it had only been a week, I thought to myself, immediately running a hand on my forehead, trying to contain the headache that only worsened. My nose started to run, precipitating the tears. The sniffing woke John up.

“Hey, hey,” he whispered hoarsely, disorientated with sleep yet moving towards me, falling by my side, resting his hand on mine.

“This is not how things were supposed to be.” My words came out as a whine, but I wanted them to be a spell to take me back in time.

I wanted to go back to the very beginning. I wanted to tell Scott about how I felt on that sixth week in. I wanted to have loved him then, so I didn’t have to be in love with him now.

A tear escaped and John sat up to embrace me. I hurried my face on his chest. “I like you, I—I really do,” I said in between sobs, “but even though it’s not how I envisioned things, it’s still Scott. And I’m still in love with him—that doesn’t change just because you showed up.”

I continued my rambling as though crying in front of him weren’t embarrassing enough. “I really wished it did because you’re the better guy,” I looked up at him, “you are. There’s no off button, though. I’m really sorry about yesterday, about asking you to stay, that wasselfish—so selfish—of me. I just like you too much to never see you around again…”

His gaze fell to our hands and after a moment of contemplation, he twitched a corner of the mouth to pass it off as a smile, and retreaded his hand, hopping out of bed and grabbing his jacket from the floor.

“John…” I called out for him, unsure of what to say next—I didn’t want things to end in bad terms.

“I get it, Georgia.” He spoke whilst he put on his jacket, “I just need a minute to think things through.”

Worry creeped in. “But what’s a minute? Your flight’s in three hours!”

“I’ll call you when I land.”

Those were the last words he spoke before leaving and closing the door behind him. I stood frozen in bed, incredulous at how he literally left for good, with a farewell as careless as this one.

I heard the sound of the front door closing. When I returned back to my senses and jumped out of confusion, I hurriedly set out to chase him. “John!” I shouted, hoping it’d keep him from disappearing.

When I opened the door, he was shifting his weight from side to side, looking as though his mind were congested and he needed to pour it all out onto paper—or music.

“Are you serious?!” I asked with a tone that would turn into anger if he didn’t play his cards right.

He spun to face me. “I’m gonna think things through and I’ll get back to you when I land,” he repeated, speaking each word as clear as day so there could be no room for misunderstandings.

I was more lost than a sailor in a stormy sea. “Think what through?!” I pressed him further, speaking too fast for my own mind to register what was happening, knowing the elevator would arrive at any minute and he wouldn’t hesitate jumping in.

“How things are supposed to be.”

The double doors of the elevator opened and John got in. I bolted forward, forcing my legs to run faster than conventionally possible for someone as sedentary as myself. With a steady hand, I kept my hand on the side of the door so the motion detector could do its job and keep that door open for John to quit his madness and step out.

“What the hell are you talking about?” My patience was growing thin.

His expression was solemn, but I could tell his insides were coloured with anger. “How exactly do you see this narrative going, Georgia?” I was taken aback with his new-found attitude towards the matter. He took my puzzled face as an answer. “Come to think of it, I think last night I was foolish. What the fuck did I expect,” he said the latter to himself, shaking his head with a smile of disbelief at his naivety, running a hand through his hair, “that you’d…”

He didn’t finish his sentence and I wasn’t given the opportunity to start mine. John looked my in the eyes with such magnitude, I could imagine what his mental picture of me would look like.

“I think we both need to figure some stuff out. On our own.”