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Today was one of those days where I had no will to get out of bed. I lay in bed with knitted eyebrows and a clenched jaw—an expression that seemed to be plastered all over my face a lot lately.
I felt mad. No, furious. Mad was too nice of a word compared to what was making me want to punch a wall. How did I get here? I was miserable. One day I had it all, or at least the better part of it, and the next I didn’t.
I lay in bed as my mind raced and realised just how alone I truly was. My best friend was going to start another chapter of her life with someone worthy of her laughters; my mother was advancing in her career even at age 50, even when she had never written a book before and in her first try, it was a success; and the love of my life didn’t see me the way I saw him. And there was no dress nice enough, or a conversation entertaining enough, or tips from a stranger helpful enough to change that. Who the hell was I kidding?
I felt stuck. Like the only thing I could do was sit and watch all of these wonderful things happen to the people I love. I was happy for them, but what about me?
I propped myself up on my elbows as I puffed out a sigh. Today was going to be a long day, and I intended to get as much of my life back as possible. So I got dressed, brushed my teeth, splashed my face with water and headed out the door.
Without knowing where to go whilst I searched for John’s room, I hurriedly gave the front desk concierge a description of John and he directed me towards the tenth floor, second door to the right.
I marched to his room and knocked on his door. The second I heard the unlock of the doorknob, I closed my eyes and took a sharp breath in, preparing myself for something far from passive aggressive behaviour.
“I’m out!” The man standing in front of me looked confused and I mirrored his expression. “I—uh, I’m sorry. Is John here?”
“Sure, I’ll get him.”
I mentally cursed myself. This is why I’m passive aggressive to begin with.
“Missed me already?” John leaned against the door frame with crossed arms and a smirk.
“I’m out,” I repeated, “from whatever it is that we had agreed on before. It’s over and I’m out.”
His smirk instantly melted into concern. “What?”
“You heard me,” I said as I walked away.
He rushed to my side, attempting to keep up with my pace without his shoes. “I thought you were doing great, what happened?” Silence. “Did he turn you down?” More silence. I pressed the elevator button and avoided eye contact at all cost. “Georgia!” he pleaded for answers as he came to a halt between me and the steel doors.
His eyes bounced from mine to the floor, a million scenarios going through his head and none seeming to fit. I looked at him for a moment. It was nice to have met him, even if it didn’t work out the way it should have.
“Thank you,” I offered him my smallest yet earnest smile. “I mean it. In a span of 24 hours, I got all the courage I’ve never had before. You have this ‘I’m a screw up at everything’ vibe so it makes me feel a lot better knowing that you exist and roam around this earth because whatever it is that I do, I feel like it can never be as bad as what you could’ve done in that situation.
“So thank you. But I’m tired of holding back and pretending and acting as if I got something to lose if I say the wrong word or make the wrong joke. It’s quite the opposite, really. I’ve got nothing to lose. And it’s extremely weird that it took a complete stranger to awaken that within me, and I’m honestly scared that I’ve mustered up all of this courage now and it’s eventually going to wear off so I’m going to do all of the things that I’ve been meaning to do in a while. And I’m sorry, but trying to bait someone to be as in love with me as I am with them isn’t one of those things.”
The elevator arrived and I walked around him to enter. He spun around and watched me with the same expression I had in bed this morning as the doors shut close. I placed my back on the wall and lifted my head with closed eyes. My breaths deepened the further down the lift went. I could never wrap my mind around the fact that everything I did felt wrong in some level, even what I thought was right. And that was the most troubled thing about my life.
Returning to the front desk for one last pitstop, I asked for a car rental and the directions to the nearest gas station. I skimmed through brochures while I waited for the keys.
“I need you to hang around.” I turned around towards the direction of his voice. “It makes me feel a lot better knowing that you exist and roam around this earth and whatever because when you mess up, it makes me feel a whole lot less like a wreck.”
I smiled. His shoes were in his hand and his hair was a greasy bird nest. What would be a road trip without some company? I grabbed the keys from the concierge’s hand and nudged my head towards the door. “C’mon.”
“Where to?”
I mimicked his smirk as well as I could, “You’ll see.”
“Was that really necessary?” John asked for the umpteenth time.
I rolled my eyes and returned my focus to the road, snatching a cheese puff from John’s hand. “I like it, don’t you like it?”
“I—yeah,” he cleared his throat, “I do. Just wondering if you’ll regret it in a couple of hours.”
I spoke through a smile, “Could you please repeat that so I can record it and show to you how much you sound like me?”
He threw a cheese puff at me and continued to stare out the window, watching the houses pass by. When the car came to a stop at a red light, I checked my new hairdo on the review mirror. The blonder ends made it look more Rhode Island appropriate and the beach waves made me look less like the kind of girl people step on—if that kind of person even has a certain physical appearance. I’m sure they did, though, and it consisted of dull, flat hair.
John was acting distant and fidgety as if I could make a wrong turn at any moment that would lead to his demise. Instead, I parked the moment I saw a beach. The sky was clear blue and the wind strong enough to send my hair flying all over my face thanks to the oneness of our Jeep.
Before he could ask any more questions about what we were doing or what my future plans were, I cut off the engine and shifted sideways on my seat to face him.
“What I had in mind didn’t include you, so we’ll have to do some improvising along the way.” I reached a hand to the backseat and picked up my bag, “I suppose you can be my model.”
John weakly punched my knee with a laugh, “Alright, let it out! I’m dying of curiosity over here.”
I joined him in laughter, feeling the weight of his punch subside. “I got this digital slash film camera somewhere in the early 2000s and I don’t think I’ve used it much since then. The only film I’ve got in hand is for sunny days so I thought this would be the perfect place for an impromptu photoshoot?”
He placed a hand on his heart, “You just had to capture me to forever remember me, didn’t you?”
I pulled out a tongue at him and rushed out of the car, leaving all else behind except the camera. I ran to the sea and when my shoes felt too heavy and got in the way of my speed, I ditched them and sprinted even faster.
John followed closely behind so I spun around when I had an advantage over him and began shooting. All I could see from the eye view was a lanky boy running with a smile as wide as the freedom we felt in that moment.
I felt mad. No, furious. Mad was too nice of a word compared to what was making me want to punch a wall. How did I get here? I was miserable. One day I had it all, or at least the better part of it, and the next I didn’t.
I lay in bed as my mind raced and realised just how alone I truly was. My best friend was going to start another chapter of her life with someone worthy of her laughters; my mother was advancing in her career even at age 50, even when she had never written a book before and in her first try, it was a success; and the love of my life didn’t see me the way I saw him. And there was no dress nice enough, or a conversation entertaining enough, or tips from a stranger helpful enough to change that. Who the hell was I kidding?
I felt stuck. Like the only thing I could do was sit and watch all of these wonderful things happen to the people I love. I was happy for them, but what about me?
I propped myself up on my elbows as I puffed out a sigh. Today was going to be a long day, and I intended to get as much of my life back as possible. So I got dressed, brushed my teeth, splashed my face with water and headed out the door.
Without knowing where to go whilst I searched for John’s room, I hurriedly gave the front desk concierge a description of John and he directed me towards the tenth floor, second door to the right.
I marched to his room and knocked on his door. The second I heard the unlock of the doorknob, I closed my eyes and took a sharp breath in, preparing myself for something far from passive aggressive behaviour.
“I’m out!” The man standing in front of me looked confused and I mirrored his expression. “I—uh, I’m sorry. Is John here?”
“Sure, I’ll get him.”
I mentally cursed myself. This is why I’m passive aggressive to begin with.
“Missed me already?” John leaned against the door frame with crossed arms and a smirk.
“I’m out,” I repeated, “from whatever it is that we had agreed on before. It’s over and I’m out.”
His smirk instantly melted into concern. “What?”
“You heard me,” I said as I walked away.
He rushed to my side, attempting to keep up with my pace without his shoes. “I thought you were doing great, what happened?” Silence. “Did he turn you down?” More silence. I pressed the elevator button and avoided eye contact at all cost. “Georgia!” he pleaded for answers as he came to a halt between me and the steel doors.
His eyes bounced from mine to the floor, a million scenarios going through his head and none seeming to fit. I looked at him for a moment. It was nice to have met him, even if it didn’t work out the way it should have.
“Thank you,” I offered him my smallest yet earnest smile. “I mean it. In a span of 24 hours, I got all the courage I’ve never had before. You have this ‘I’m a screw up at everything’ vibe so it makes me feel a lot better knowing that you exist and roam around this earth because whatever it is that I do, I feel like it can never be as bad as what you could’ve done in that situation.
“So thank you. But I’m tired of holding back and pretending and acting as if I got something to lose if I say the wrong word or make the wrong joke. It’s quite the opposite, really. I’ve got nothing to lose. And it’s extremely weird that it took a complete stranger to awaken that within me, and I’m honestly scared that I’ve mustered up all of this courage now and it’s eventually going to wear off so I’m going to do all of the things that I’ve been meaning to do in a while. And I’m sorry, but trying to bait someone to be as in love with me as I am with them isn’t one of those things.”
The elevator arrived and I walked around him to enter. He spun around and watched me with the same expression I had in bed this morning as the doors shut close. I placed my back on the wall and lifted my head with closed eyes. My breaths deepened the further down the lift went. I could never wrap my mind around the fact that everything I did felt wrong in some level, even what I thought was right. And that was the most troubled thing about my life.
Returning to the front desk for one last pitstop, I asked for a car rental and the directions to the nearest gas station. I skimmed through brochures while I waited for the keys.
“I need you to hang around.” I turned around towards the direction of his voice. “It makes me feel a lot better knowing that you exist and roam around this earth and whatever because when you mess up, it makes me feel a whole lot less like a wreck.”
I smiled. His shoes were in his hand and his hair was a greasy bird nest. What would be a road trip without some company? I grabbed the keys from the concierge’s hand and nudged my head towards the door. “C’mon.”
“Where to?”
I mimicked his smirk as well as I could, “You’ll see.”
▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎
“Was that really necessary?” John asked for the umpteenth time.
I rolled my eyes and returned my focus to the road, snatching a cheese puff from John’s hand. “I like it, don’t you like it?”
“I—yeah,” he cleared his throat, “I do. Just wondering if you’ll regret it in a couple of hours.”
I spoke through a smile, “Could you please repeat that so I can record it and show to you how much you sound like me?”
He threw a cheese puff at me and continued to stare out the window, watching the houses pass by. When the car came to a stop at a red light, I checked my new hairdo on the review mirror. The blonder ends made it look more Rhode Island appropriate and the beach waves made me look less like the kind of girl people step on—if that kind of person even has a certain physical appearance. I’m sure they did, though, and it consisted of dull, flat hair.
John was acting distant and fidgety as if I could make a wrong turn at any moment that would lead to his demise. Instead, I parked the moment I saw a beach. The sky was clear blue and the wind strong enough to send my hair flying all over my face thanks to the oneness of our Jeep.
Before he could ask any more questions about what we were doing or what my future plans were, I cut off the engine and shifted sideways on my seat to face him.
“What I had in mind didn’t include you, so we’ll have to do some improvising along the way.” I reached a hand to the backseat and picked up my bag, “I suppose you can be my model.”
John weakly punched my knee with a laugh, “Alright, let it out! I’m dying of curiosity over here.”
I joined him in laughter, feeling the weight of his punch subside. “I got this digital slash film camera somewhere in the early 2000s and I don’t think I’ve used it much since then. The only film I’ve got in hand is for sunny days so I thought this would be the perfect place for an impromptu photoshoot?”
He placed a hand on his heart, “You just had to capture me to forever remember me, didn’t you?”
I pulled out a tongue at him and rushed out of the car, leaving all else behind except the camera. I ran to the sea and when my shoes felt too heavy and got in the way of my speed, I ditched them and sprinted even faster.
John followed closely behind so I spun around when I had an advantage over him and began shooting. All I could see from the eye view was a lanky boy running with a smile as wide as the freedom we felt in that moment.