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Oblivion
Oblivion
I'll Be Okay
Oblivion. The state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening. I wish I could simply fade into oblivion forever, just so I could escape the cage that withholds my mind in this living hell. The way the blood seeps from the little red gashes across my arm amuses me. I don't even feel pain anymore, it's like nothing. I'm empty. My mind drifts off from reality and I find myself looking into his beautiful brown eyes that are now lined with tears. None of this real. It never will be. 'He's not here', I have to remind myself. 'He's gone.' His firm hand cupped my cheek and he smiled sadly, his lips were curved perfectly as always. His deep, perfect voice was melodic to my ears. "I really wish you'd stop doing this, beautiful." I sniffled, my vision becoming blurred. Every time I saw him I'd just lose all control. It was unstoppable now. I felt my cheeks soak and tears dripped down my chin, soaking my tee shirt. I dared to look into his eyes, my heart shattering as I did. I knew that in reality, his body was rotting in its coffin, decomposing as maggots rid of it.
"I miss you," I whispered, still not acknowledging the fact that blood was spilling onto my body and the white tiles. "I miss you, too." Slowly he faded into the air, nothing left of him whatsoever. I lifted myself from the ground and made my way out of the bathroom, not bothering to close the oak door that separated that illusion from the rest of my now empty household. It's like he's still here, but he's not at the same time. He haunts me endlessly.
The bright eyes that I used to love so much, the lips that trailed kisses all over me, the tanned skin that I used to love to touch, the hands that held me tightly and made me feel protected, it's all gone. He's all gone.
I never understood why he did what he did. Why he felt the need end his life. Was I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? I don't know. I never will know, and I think that's what kills me the most. It kills me to know that I'll die without my soulmate beside me, because that's what Vic was. My soulmate. He was the one person I wanted to grow old with, the one person I wanted to take my last breath beside. He was supposed to be there when I passed on. We were supposed to go together.
I remember the way my heart broke when I saw his lifeless body there, his back against the wall and his eyes rolled back, a bullet wound in his head. I remember collapsing onto the ground in a fit of tears, holding his body close to me. I remember begging him to wake up, even though I knew he was gone. I remember kissing his cold lips, hoping it'd wake him up. I remember pinching and hitting myself, trying to wake up from a dream that turned out to be reality. I remember curling up in my bed ever since then, not having the energy to get up. I remember everything so clearly.
The shiny slab of gravel that stood in the graveyard killed me. Every time I saw it, I'd just be reminded of him all over again. It felt as though something were stabbing into my chest, breaking my heart all over again. The first hallucination was the worst one. There he was, laying in bed next to me with a smile. 'I love you,' he whispered. I had smiled widely and cupped his cheeks, not able to believe the sight before me. The moment our skin made contact he disappeared into nothing. That's when I knew I had gone mad. I had stared at the spot he had been in, my eyes wide. I shook my head, refusing to believe it. He wasn't gone. He couldn't be. I remember pulling at my hair and scratching at my wrists. How could he leave me like this? He knew how much I loved him. He knew, and yet he still left.
I walked into our once shared room and opened the closet door, wincing at the sight before my eyes. All his stuff sat there, untouched. I hadn't been in here since I found him slumped against this very wall, blood splattered all over our stuff. I held back more tears as I grabbed his gray sweater, holding it close to my chest as if it'd disappear, just as he did.
I looked up at the white painted ceiling and bit my lip harshly before releasing it. "I don't think I can live without you, Vic. I can't do this anymore," I whispered, closing my eyes and relaxing my body. "I just can't." I stood up and made my way down the wooden steps before going into my kitchen, opening the small drawer and pulling a knife out of it. I felt a wave of nausea course through me. Was I really about to do this? I sighed and pressed it against my throat. That's when it happened. A strong, firm hand gripped onto the knife and pulled it away. "Don't you dare do this," he whispered and I looked over towards him with wide eyes. "I can't do this anymore, Vic. Please," I begged. He shook his head. "Don't do this. It'll be okay," and just as I was about to hug him, he disappeared again. I looked at the knife left in my hands and felt tears pricking at the corner of my eyes as I placed it back in the drawer. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even in a year, but one day... Just one day, maybe I'll be okay. I'm staying strong for you, Vic.
Oblivion. The state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening. I wish I could simply fade into oblivion forever, just so I could escape the cage that withholds my mind in this living hell. The way the blood seeps from the little red gashes across my arm amuses me. I don't even feel pain anymore, it's like nothing. I'm empty. My mind drifts off from reality and I find myself looking into his beautiful brown eyes that are now lined with tears. None of this real. It never will be. 'He's not here', I have to remind myself. 'He's gone.' His firm hand cupped my cheek and he smiled sadly, his lips were curved perfectly as always. His deep, perfect voice was melodic to my ears. "I really wish you'd stop doing this, beautiful." I sniffled, my vision becoming blurred. Every time I saw him I'd just lose all control. It was unstoppable now. I felt my cheeks soak and tears dripped down my chin, soaking my tee shirt. I dared to look into his eyes, my heart shattering as I did. I knew that in reality, his body was rotting in its coffin, decomposing as maggots rid of it.
"I miss you," I whispered, still not acknowledging the fact that blood was spilling onto my body and the white tiles. "I miss you, too." Slowly he faded into the air, nothing left of him whatsoever. I lifted myself from the ground and made my way out of the bathroom, not bothering to close the oak door that separated that illusion from the rest of my now empty household. It's like he's still here, but he's not at the same time. He haunts me endlessly.
The bright eyes that I used to love so much, the lips that trailed kisses all over me, the tanned skin that I used to love to touch, the hands that held me tightly and made me feel protected, it's all gone. He's all gone.
I never understood why he did what he did. Why he felt the need end his life. Was I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? I don't know. I never will know, and I think that's what kills me the most. It kills me to know that I'll die without my soulmate beside me, because that's what Vic was. My soulmate. He was the one person I wanted to grow old with, the one person I wanted to take my last breath beside. He was supposed to be there when I passed on. We were supposed to go together.
I remember the way my heart broke when I saw his lifeless body there, his back against the wall and his eyes rolled back, a bullet wound in his head. I remember collapsing onto the ground in a fit of tears, holding his body close to me. I remember begging him to wake up, even though I knew he was gone. I remember kissing his cold lips, hoping it'd wake him up. I remember pinching and hitting myself, trying to wake up from a dream that turned out to be reality. I remember curling up in my bed ever since then, not having the energy to get up. I remember everything so clearly.
The shiny slab of gravel that stood in the graveyard killed me. Every time I saw it, I'd just be reminded of him all over again. It felt as though something were stabbing into my chest, breaking my heart all over again. The first hallucination was the worst one. There he was, laying in bed next to me with a smile. 'I love you,' he whispered. I had smiled widely and cupped his cheeks, not able to believe the sight before me. The moment our skin made contact he disappeared into nothing. That's when I knew I had gone mad. I had stared at the spot he had been in, my eyes wide. I shook my head, refusing to believe it. He wasn't gone. He couldn't be. I remember pulling at my hair and scratching at my wrists. How could he leave me like this? He knew how much I loved him. He knew, and yet he still left.
I walked into our once shared room and opened the closet door, wincing at the sight before my eyes. All his stuff sat there, untouched. I hadn't been in here since I found him slumped against this very wall, blood splattered all over our stuff. I held back more tears as I grabbed his gray sweater, holding it close to my chest as if it'd disappear, just as he did.
I looked up at the white painted ceiling and bit my lip harshly before releasing it. "I don't think I can live without you, Vic. I can't do this anymore," I whispered, closing my eyes and relaxing my body. "I just can't." I stood up and made my way down the wooden steps before going into my kitchen, opening the small drawer and pulling a knife out of it. I felt a wave of nausea course through me. Was I really about to do this? I sighed and pressed it against my throat. That's when it happened. A strong, firm hand gripped onto the knife and pulled it away. "Don't you dare do this," he whispered and I looked over towards him with wide eyes. "I can't do this anymore, Vic. Please," I begged. He shook his head. "Don't do this. It'll be okay," and just as I was about to hug him, he disappeared again. I looked at the knife left in my hands and felt tears pricking at the corner of my eyes as I placed it back in the drawer. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even in a year, but one day... Just one day, maybe I'll be okay. I'm staying strong for you, Vic.
♠ ♠ ♠
Thanks for reading!