Status: Completed!
Dangerous
I ***ing Love You
After the show, he was nowhere to be found. Jared and Tomo went back to the hotel. Elle, equipped with her wallet and jacket this time, wandered around, looking for bars or anywhere else that looked like they might be appealing to Shannon. She popped into a few places with no luck, and then finally found a nightclub that she knew he had to be in.
She paid the $20 cover charge and stepped inside. It was a big place, and it took her quite a while to find him, but when she did, she wasn't surprised at all by what she saw. She thought he'd obviously already drank a lot. He was sloppily dancing with a girl with bleach-blonde hair and boobs the size of actual watermelons that were threatening to spill out of her tiny white dress at any moment while she bounced with him.
She approached him slowly, not totally sure what she was going to say. He saw her before she had to say anything. He ditched the girl and walked to the bar in the opposite direction. She followed. She was surprised that it actually seemed quieter somehow as she sat down on the stool beside him.
"Shan,-" she began, but he waved his hand at her.
"Save it, Elle," he told her, and when he looked at her she could almost see the annoyance radiating off of him. "You made yourself pretty clear earlier."
"I didn't mean to. I don't know what I meant to do," she told him, and it was the truth. The more she ran it through her head, the more she couldn't figure out just what she'd wanted to happen when she'd told him she was scared. He shrugged at her, and she realized that he wasn't actually as drunk as she'd previously thought. It was obvious in the way he was carrying himself now that he wasn't really drunk at all. She wondered why he'd been pretending like he was.
"You never know what you fucking meant, Elle. That's the problem. You can say as many shitty things as you want about me, and most of them will even be true, but you can never say that I say shit that I don't mean or shit that doesn't mean anything at all," he said to her, his anger becoming more and more obvious.
"Oh yeah? What about that shit you said at the radio station? Huh? What the fuck was that supposed to mean?" she demanded, and he rolled his eyes dramatically.
"It was supposed to mean exactly what I said! I thought I made that pretty obvious when I came over right after and fucked you!" he screamed it, and she was thankful for the noise around them. She didn't know what to say. She stared at him for a moment blankly and he scoffed. "This. This right here is your problem, Eleanor. I'm sitting here telling you exactly what I know you want to hear, and it's true, and you're suddenly speechless. Suddenly you're second-guessing yourself, second-guessing me. This is why I didn't let this happen years ago. This is why I never let you say the words. Because I was always fucking terrified that when shit went down, you wouldn't really be there for it. And I was right," he said, and his words hit her like knives.
"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, and it was partially true. He was right about part of it: the second-guessing. She knew how she felt about him. She knew it with every fiber of her being. But for some reason she just couldn't wrap her brain about the fact that he might feel the same way.
"I'm talking about the fact that I fucking love you! You think I've been flirting with you for twenty fucking years for nothing? You think I put my ass in a cab in a strange city and wandered around for close to an hour looking for your dumb ass because I don't care? You think I fucked you like I did earlier today just because I wanted some ass? I don't know why you just can't fucking believe everything that I'm throwing right at your face. When's the last time I lied to you, Elle? Huh? When's the last fucking time that I for real, all-out lied to you? I bet you can't fucking think of a time, huh? So why the hell do you think I am now?" he demanded, and she could see that he was on the verge of hysterical. Tears were building in his eyes, threatening to fall. She didn't know what to say to him.
When she really thought about it, she supposed that the truth was that she had known all of those things all along; that she had known how he felt. Deep down, she was just so scared of him, of the idea that he had so much influence over her life and decisions, and it was all only because she'd let him. There were millions of times that she could've left the band and gotten actual drumming positions or some other job, but she hadn't. She hadn't' because she didn't want to be anywhere that Shannon wasn't. She was completely co-dependent on him and they both knew it. She'd tried all along to convince herself that it was Jared that had such influence over her, but it wasn't. It never had been. She loved Jared with all of her heart and he was her best friend in the entire world, but at the end of the day, she realized, it was Shannon that she really couldn't live without. She loved him. Not just in a lusty crush kind of way, either. She realized in that moment for maybe the first time ever that she really, truly, deep down loved him.
She looked up just a moment later, and somehow he'd vanished. She ran through the club looking for him, but he wasn't there. She stepped out onto the street and instantly started crying. It was freezing and had started to lightly rain. Even though she hadn't had any drinks, she felt dizzy and unsteady. She pulled out her phone and punched in the only number she knew currently cared. She sobbed hard when he answered the phone.
"Jay? I fucked it all up again."
She paid the $20 cover charge and stepped inside. It was a big place, and it took her quite a while to find him, but when she did, she wasn't surprised at all by what she saw. She thought he'd obviously already drank a lot. He was sloppily dancing with a girl with bleach-blonde hair and boobs the size of actual watermelons that were threatening to spill out of her tiny white dress at any moment while she bounced with him.
She approached him slowly, not totally sure what she was going to say. He saw her before she had to say anything. He ditched the girl and walked to the bar in the opposite direction. She followed. She was surprised that it actually seemed quieter somehow as she sat down on the stool beside him.
"Shan,-" she began, but he waved his hand at her.
"Save it, Elle," he told her, and when he looked at her she could almost see the annoyance radiating off of him. "You made yourself pretty clear earlier."
"I didn't mean to. I don't know what I meant to do," she told him, and it was the truth. The more she ran it through her head, the more she couldn't figure out just what she'd wanted to happen when she'd told him she was scared. He shrugged at her, and she realized that he wasn't actually as drunk as she'd previously thought. It was obvious in the way he was carrying himself now that he wasn't really drunk at all. She wondered why he'd been pretending like he was.
"You never know what you fucking meant, Elle. That's the problem. You can say as many shitty things as you want about me, and most of them will even be true, but you can never say that I say shit that I don't mean or shit that doesn't mean anything at all," he said to her, his anger becoming more and more obvious.
"Oh yeah? What about that shit you said at the radio station? Huh? What the fuck was that supposed to mean?" she demanded, and he rolled his eyes dramatically.
"It was supposed to mean exactly what I said! I thought I made that pretty obvious when I came over right after and fucked you!" he screamed it, and she was thankful for the noise around them. She didn't know what to say. She stared at him for a moment blankly and he scoffed. "This. This right here is your problem, Eleanor. I'm sitting here telling you exactly what I know you want to hear, and it's true, and you're suddenly speechless. Suddenly you're second-guessing yourself, second-guessing me. This is why I didn't let this happen years ago. This is why I never let you say the words. Because I was always fucking terrified that when shit went down, you wouldn't really be there for it. And I was right," he said, and his words hit her like knives.
"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, and it was partially true. He was right about part of it: the second-guessing. She knew how she felt about him. She knew it with every fiber of her being. But for some reason she just couldn't wrap her brain about the fact that he might feel the same way.
"I'm talking about the fact that I fucking love you! You think I've been flirting with you for twenty fucking years for nothing? You think I put my ass in a cab in a strange city and wandered around for close to an hour looking for your dumb ass because I don't care? You think I fucked you like I did earlier today just because I wanted some ass? I don't know why you just can't fucking believe everything that I'm throwing right at your face. When's the last time I lied to you, Elle? Huh? When's the last fucking time that I for real, all-out lied to you? I bet you can't fucking think of a time, huh? So why the hell do you think I am now?" he demanded, and she could see that he was on the verge of hysterical. Tears were building in his eyes, threatening to fall. She didn't know what to say to him.
When she really thought about it, she supposed that the truth was that she had known all of those things all along; that she had known how he felt. Deep down, she was just so scared of him, of the idea that he had so much influence over her life and decisions, and it was all only because she'd let him. There were millions of times that she could've left the band and gotten actual drumming positions or some other job, but she hadn't. She hadn't' because she didn't want to be anywhere that Shannon wasn't. She was completely co-dependent on him and they both knew it. She'd tried all along to convince herself that it was Jared that had such influence over her, but it wasn't. It never had been. She loved Jared with all of her heart and he was her best friend in the entire world, but at the end of the day, she realized, it was Shannon that she really couldn't live without. She loved him. Not just in a lusty crush kind of way, either. She realized in that moment for maybe the first time ever that she really, truly, deep down loved him.
She looked up just a moment later, and somehow he'd vanished. She ran through the club looking for him, but he wasn't there. She stepped out onto the street and instantly started crying. It was freezing and had started to lightly rain. Even though she hadn't had any drinks, she felt dizzy and unsteady. She pulled out her phone and punched in the only number she knew currently cared. She sobbed hard when he answered the phone.
"Jay? I fucked it all up again."