Ticking Time Bomb

As I open my eyes I remember the events of what I assumed was the previous day, I look over at Chris and can’t stop the feeling of resentment that floods through me. He left me when I needed him, I should’ve known that’s what he would’ve done. He’d rather see the whores at the strip club than deal with my broken mental state. I should have known that I was just going to be a burden. I close my eyes before the tears started falling and got out of bed, I quietly left the room and headed for the outdoor area the club used for barbeques and parties. I ignore the looks of the Sinners members, I didn’t need to see their faces to know they thought I was nuts and would snap at any minute. I didn’t belong here, I never belonged here, and as much as Chris loves this place it’s a choice between me or it.

I knew Chris would choose the club, he always preferred this place over me and that wouldn’t change just because the truth was out. I curl up in the chair out on the patio and watched the crickets bounce across the yard. I look up as someone touches my shoulder, I jump when I see it’s one of the new prospects for the gang. It was obvious that he was drunk and I knew I should be worried. Something about this man felt off and I didn’t like it.

I whimper as he wraps his arms around me and picks me up. I struggle in his grip as he takes me further into the yard, I tried to scream but he covered my mouth. I didn’t know what was happening as he throws me down onto the ground. He straddled my waist and held my arms down, he leans down close to me and whispers into my ear, “Andy says hi” he said with a sneer.

I started panicking. I knew it. I wasn’t safe anywhere and this proves it. They all said I would be safe here, they all said I was protected, but this guy on top of me, drunkenly removing my clothing and trying to force himself on me proves that I wasn’t safe anywhere. Andy could always reach me. No! I couldn’t think like that, they already think I’m crazy, I can’t just give in.

I bit down on the guy's hand that covered my mouth and started screaming, “Chris! Mike! Jonas! Please help me!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

I refused to let him remove my boxers: I was punched.

I refused to let him drag me further away from the clubhouse: I was punched.

I was just starting to get better and now I could just feel the progress slipping away. I couldn’t fight back, I was useless, weak, I wasn’t a person. I was a toy. A good little dog that listened to his master’s every command. I close my eyes as footsteps running towards me, I recognized the angry voices, Jonas and Mike, they were coming to save me but it’s too late. I give up. I’m too broken to be fixed. Too crazy to be loved. Chris doesn’t need to be with someone like me, he needs to be with someone who’s stable and can carry the commitment of the Sinners MC on their backs. That wasn’t me.

I felt the arms of Jonas once again and buried myself in my thoughts. When Andy was done and over with I was going to lock myself in a mental asylum, that’s where I belonged, that’s where I fit in, with the rest of the crazy people. I look up to meet Jonas’s eyes, he looks guilty, but why? He didn’t do anything. He couldn’t have known who this guy was. I should’ve recognized him, I recognize him now, of course, he was one of my “clients” back when I was only Andy’s whore. Of course, he knew who I was. Of course, Andy would send someone from years in the past that I wouldn’t immediately recognize.

I was going to die.

If not now, then the future.