Closer to the Edge

*Shannon*

I don't know why I kissed her. She'd just looked so sad, I couldn't take it. Jared and I had both known that we were kind of breaking her heart going into it. That sounds douchey, but she wasn't exactly good at hiding her feelings. I didn't think it would be so hard, that she'd be so sad. Apparently I'm a protector type. Who knew?

*Natalia*

We left for the next tour two weeks later. I'd still been talking to both Jared and Shannon pretty much every day, but it was different somehow, like they were both just a tad more reserved. I hated it. I hated that it felt like neither of them were being fully themselves. We'd all gone out to lunch a few more times, and I'd even had a movie night with Jared at his house. I just had to keep telling myself that they were off-limits and I wasn't allowed to have feelings. It wasn't working.

As we boarded the bus, they both greeted me like we were best friends. I liked that they were still being so friendly with me, it just wasn't the same somehow. Shannon had made me promise afterwards that we wouldn't talk about the kiss we'd shared, and I'd agreed. It's hard to explain. I just couldn't help but be upset.

The first show was a pretty long journey away, and I spent most of it sitting in my bunk with my headphones in. I just really wasn't feeling social at all. When we finally got to the venue, almost everyone scattered off the bus, going in search of food or shopping or whatever else in the few hours that there were before the show. I didn't bother moving. I wasn't hungry and wasn't in the mood for sight-seeing.

I didn't even know who else, if anyone, was still on the bus with me until Jared appeared in front of my bunk. He motioned for me to take my headphones out and I did so slowly.

"'Sup, Jay?" I asked him, noting the serious look in his eyes. He hadn't given me that look since the day they'd come over and told me they were off-limits.

"You're... different," he said, and at first I wasn't sure what he meant. I cocked my head to the side, hoping he'd continue, and he did. "You seem upset or something," he continued, and I tried my best to keep my face blank.

"I'm fine. Just re-adjusting to tour, you know," I told him, keeping my tone level somehow.

"Bullshit. There's something wrong," he said, and I wasn't surprised that he'd been able to see right through me. I'd definitely discovered that he had a talent for that in the months that I'd known him.

"I... the truth?" I asked, and he nodded vigorously. "I'm fuckin' bummed. I feel like you and Shan rejected me even though I know that's not really what you did at all. I didn't necessarily think that anything was going to happen between any of us from the beginning, but knowing for sure that it won't makes me sad. I just feel like there was so much potential, you know? I know it's stupid but I just can't shake it," I rambled it all out in one breath because I knew that if I slowed down at all, I might stop talking altogether from embarrassment. He didn't say anything for a long time and I could almost see the gears in his head spinning, trying to decide what to say.

"I'm sorry, Nat. That wasn't our intention at all, you know that," he began, and I nodded, knowing that's what he'd say. "I wish... I wish it was different. Neither of us expected for you to be so fucking great honestly," he finished the sentence, his beautiful eyes boring into mine. I definitely hadn't expected him to say that part. He looked like he wanted to say more but thought better of it.

"I didn't expect for you to be so great, either," I told him, and it was true. Even after I'd seen how absolutely aesthetically pleasing they both were, I'd still pretty much expected them both to be assholes. But they weren't. He looked at me for a moment more, like he was still deciding something. I was quiet, desperately wishing he'd tell me what he was actually thinking.

"Fuck it," he whispered a few moments later, and I was about to ask him what he was talking about, but he didn't give me the chance. His lips were on mine, his hands snaking themselves around my waist as he climbed into my bunk. His kiss was the exact opposite of Shannon's. Jared was slow and calculated, making sure to take in every second of the experience; Shannon was rushed and hungry, wanting more without really meaning to. As the thought flashed through my mind, Jared pulled away slightly, and I realized that the one thing that was the same between them was how my lips literally ached for them when they pulled away.

"I shouldn't have done that," he whispered the words, but didn't make any move to really pull away. His face hovered just inches away from mine and the thought occurred to me that I'd never seen a more beautiful pair of eyes.

"I... didn't mind," I whispered back, those being the only words I could seem to think of. He smiled, lighting up the dark space around us with it.

"Well then maybe I'll have to do it again sometime," he said, and I knew that it was wrong. I knew that kissing both of them was wrong. Not only were they technically my bosses, they were brothers, brothers who had made some sort of pact to not do the very things that they both seemed to want to do - and had done.

I knew I should tell him that it couldn't happen again. I knew I should admit to him what had happened before with Shannon. I knew it. But for some reason I couldn't seem to get the words out. Some deep dark part of me just seemed to be desperate to know how it would all play out. So I didn't say anything, just smiled back at him before he kissed my forehead and stood back up in front of my bunk. He took my hand and we headed out to the street. Suddenly, I felt like exploring.