Alarm Clock

5:20 AM

I could press the snooze button if I wanted to.

He’s pressed up against me with his forehead touching the back of my neck and lips so close that I could feel his breath every time it hit my spine. An arm was hooked around me so that his hand could rest on my heart, allowing me to place my own hand over his and interlock our fingers. Other than the sounds of his soft snores, I could also hear the steady patter of rain against the window.

I smiled as I listened, having missed the sound of rain thanks to the near absence of this weather back at my hometown in California. The more I listened, the more it became rhythmic and therapeutic to the point where I closed my eyes and melted into his embrace. The feel of his warmth, his smell, and his touch made me feel so safe that I couldn’t bring myself to move.

I didn’t want to leave.

But if I pressed the snooze button before the alarm went off, then I wouldn’t have to leave. I could go back to sleep with his arms still around me without having to worry about any annoying beeping interrupting this state of serenity I wanted to keep. My eyes opened once more and I sighed as I looked at the clock again. It was so very tempting...

That’s when I felt him stir behind me, tightening his hold and mumbling something I couldn’t quite make out. He then let out a yawn before planting a small kiss on my shoulder, his lips brushing against my skin and humming a little before his head fell back on the pillow. He knew I was awake as the pace of my heartbeat had quickened the moment he made contact and I was sure he could feel it.

I gave his hand a light squeeze before letting go for a second so that I could roll around to face him. Even with the room being dark and the sun just barely peaking out the horizon trying to make it through the clouds, I could still see his expression as he looked at me. He was grinning widely despite still looking tired and reached for my hand again, bringing it up to his lips. I shimmied closer to him and with my free hand I threaded my fingers through his brown hair, fixing any tangles and making sure none of it was in his face.

“Hi,” I mouthed, trying not to speak above a whisper because we still had to be quiet. It was way too early and we weren’t the only ones in his flat.

And yet, unsurprisingly, Dan Howell needed to be reminded about that, speaking in his normal voice and laughing. “What’s the point in an alarm when you always wake up before it?”

I could’ve responded with a witty remark, but instead I simply put a finger to his lips. “Shhh, remember you have to be quiet.”

“Oh, right,” he whispered. “I forgot that you’re kind of trespassing.”

This time I was the one to laugh, though I kept it at a lower volume than he did. Shaking my head, I put my hand over his face. “You’re the one that wanted to sneak me in after Phil fell asleep.”

“You agreed to it.”

“I was bored.”

“And you missed me, right?”

Dan wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me toward him, placing his head in the space underneath my chin. I rolled my eyes at him shifting our banter to a more sappy conversation and tried to act like I wasn’t amused, but couldn’t resist reciprocating. The affection and intimacy he gave me was my weakness and no matter how indifferent or irritated I pretended to be, all he had to do was hold me and I’d immediately drop the act. My arms encircled him, one hand rubbing small circles on his back while the other cupped the back of his head. He mumbled something again and I was actually able to hear what it was, but I didn’t say anything yet.

Of course I missed him. It was already hard enough for us to see each other thanks to him living in London and me living in San Francisco, but our conflicting schedules made it all the more difficult to take time to spend a few days together. When he and Phil were on tour, I had more free time and while I was able to catch a show, I couldn't do anything else with him because he had to head to the next destination. As luck would have it, my free time was scarce around the time his tour was finished. I was back to writing and recording music and traveling with no space available on my calendar for him. So for the last few weeks we could only do what most long distance relationships did and that was communicate through the internet.

And also like most long distance relationships, talking to each other online wasn’t the same as being together in person. While I watched his live shows I’d find myself looking past him at the piano that he’d play whenever I was there. He’d take my song requests and I’d sing, prompting him to try to harmonize with me. Sometimes it’d work, sometimes he’d sound like a dying animal but I enjoyed him trying to duet with me anyway. Meanwhile, Dan had told me that whenever he has a hard time sleeping, he watches the video we made together where I ended up doing the infamous “sexy endscreen dance” for him. For that special occasion he used one of my songs from SoundCloud in place of the usual music he played in the background because according to him it strangely worked—and it was one of his favorites.

We brought up memories like these to prevent us from thinking about the miles between us, but it would only make us miss each other even more and wonder when would be the next time we’d reunite.

Honestly, I didn’t even think I’d be in his bedroom. I was in London for the weekend to do interviews and attend an event. I told him that I’d try my best to make it to his place before I left, but because the interviews included a photoshoot and the event ran long the chance of me being able to stop by was highly unlikely. After it ended, I had looked at the clock and frowned at how late it was. I didn't want to text Dan because I didn't know if he was asleep or not but he probably concluded that I wasn't coming so I headed back to the hotel. Then while I was in the cab, my phone buzzed and I looked to see that it was a message from him.

it’s late but i don’t wanna go to bed yet. do you wanna come over?

Without hesitation, I told him I’d be there.

We had to be extremely quiet when I arrived, especially since the stairs creaked and with my shoes wet from the rain I made squeaky sounds as I walked. Dan took me by the hand (he also commented how cold it was) and led me to his room, which felt like a journey when we moved so slow and it didn’t help that I was shivering. But once we got there and he closed the door, I put my purse down, took off my jacket, held his face in my hands, and met his lips with mine. I was no longer shivering when I pulled away, feeling his arms around me so that he could bring me flush against his chest. I smiled and buried my face into it, taking in his scent and hearing the beat of his heart. He just kissed the top of my head and I let out a shaky, relieved breath because finally, after several weeks, I was home.

“I missed you so much,” I said, returning to the present and breaking the silence. “Why do you think I came here so fast?”

“You really did, it was impressive,” he said.

“Not as impressive as you being able to sneak me in without making the amount of noise you usually do,” I pointed out.

“It was impressive, wasn’t it?” He raised an eyebrow. “Also when I texted you and snuck you in, it made me feel like we were teenagers and I was trying not to wake my parents.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of the ‘my parents aren’t home so you should come over’ scenario from that text,” I told him.

“Wait, shouldn’t it be the other way around since you’re the girl?”

“Nah, I don’t think it matters. Besides, when do you and I ever follow gender roles?”

He looked up at me and smirked. “Well, fortunately for you, my parents are never home because I, you know, don’t live with them anymore. Unless you count Phil as my parent since he acts like it in some cases.”

I laughed a little too loud at that and he was now the one putting his hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t make any more noise. I swatted his hand away and lay on my back while he repositioned himself so that he was by my side again, his shoulder touching mine.

“Better be quiet,” he warned. “You don’t wanna wake up my parents, do you?”

“Don’t worry, I could always hide under the blankets if they try to come in,” I joked.

“You’re going to get me grounded,” he whined and because he still had his morning voice, it cracked at the end of that sentence. We looked at each other, no longer able to keep straight faces after that.

“Weirdo,” I muttered, hiding my face in his shoulder and pulling the blanket over our heads. He was such a dork and so awkward, but those traits were part of what I adored about him. I had been so used to it that I couldn’t imagine being without his snarky humor and melodramatic storytelling, things that made him unique and lovable. And when he wasn’t being funny, he was caring and attentive, always trying to please people and make them feel important and wanted. With him, I always felt like I mattered and I always reminded him that he mattered to me.

Dan was my home.

Why was I leaving my home?

We faced each other and fell silent again, holding our hands up so that our palms touched. I saw his smile slowly fade, probably remembering what we were both dreading: the sound of the alarm clock. We hadn’t looked at the clock since waking up, but it was still going to ring eventually.

“Do you think I should go now?”

His smile completely disappeared and I made the mistake of looking at his pleading eyes as he repeated what he mumbled earlier.

“Don’t go.”

“I really don’t want to...”

“Then just stay,” he begged. His fingers trailed down my side and stopped at my waist. I felt his fingers twitch, as if he was trying to stop himself from holding me tightly again. “At least for one more day.”

I smiled sadly at him and also resisted the urge to hold him. If I let myself do it, then letting go would be impossible. “I’d love to, I really would...but you know I can’t do that.”

If it was that easy, then there was no doubt I’d stay. But I had to focus on my responsibilities first. I had to get back to my hotel room to pack my stuff and catch a flight to LA where I was supposed to finish recording the rest of the tracks I was working on. He just nodded at me, understanding that he couldn’t stop me from leaving.

“You’re right, you can’t.” Dan sighed. “You’ve always respected me when I had to do what I needed to do. I need to respect you, too.”

“Just a few more weeks,” I assured him, lifting my hand to caress his cheek. “Then we can watch all the anime you want.”

He chuckled. “Sounds promising. Until then I’ll be listening to your songs and thinking of cliché romantic date ideas we can do the next time I see you.”

“I can’t wait.” I giggled.

I allowed myself to rest my head on his chest, laying with him until the alarm rang. We just closed our eyes for a little and still chose not to check the time because that would’ve set a limit to how long I had left to stay with him. He stroked my hair as we listened to the rain that eventually stopped and talked about a variety of things like the many interesting shenanigans that happened on my latest night out with my cousins and all the new bizarre fanart he saw on his recent browsing through his Tumblr tag. If only there was a setting on that clock where I could pause time because I wanted to stay in that moment for as long as I wanted without any time passing.

All I had was the snooze button that I pressed when the alarm finally went off, bringing the moment to an end.

Dan sat at the foot of his bed and stared down at his hands in his lap while I changed out of the shirt and sweats he let me borrow. Once my jacket was on and my purse was in my hand, he walked me to the door

Phil was still asleep.

“Call me when you get to LA,” Dan said and I nodded in response.

Then right when he opened the door, I crashed my lips into his and tightly held onto him one last time. His palms reached the sides of my neck and drifted up to the underside of my jaw while I tried not to cry at the thought of leaving my home once again. When he pulled away, he noticed the single tear hanging off the corner of my eye and wiped it away.

“I love you,” I breathed. “So much.”

He swallowed hard and gazed down at me, looking like he was about to cry, too. I bit my lip and wondered how he was going to respond to me being the one to say it first.

Taking a deep breath, Dan beamed at me. “I love you so much, too.”

And with that, I finally said goodbye and walked away. A big smile formed across my face when I got into the cab and stayed like that when I got to the hotel and even when I reached the airport.

As I sat at the gate waiting for my flight, I took my camera out of my bag because I wanted to look back at all the photos I took that weekend. Though for some reason, when I went to look at the pictures I saw that my most recent thing taken was a video filmed at 3 in the morning. I was already asleep at that time, so this was strange to see. Unless...

I pressed play and at first only heard noises while the screen was dark. Just when I was about to stop it, Dan’s face appeared in the screen. His knees were to his chest and he looked like he was on the floor with his back against his bed. He was in the dark, save for a small source of light that probably came from his phone and after spending a few seconds positioning the light correctly so that it hit his face, he cleared his throat.

“Alright,” he spoke in a low voice. “You’re asleep on my bed and I’m still not tired, so I decided to leave you a little video to watch while you’re on the plane or something depending on how long it takes for you to find this.”

He would. I rolled my eyes and continued watching.

“Anyways, I just want to say that....I’m so happy you came tonight,” he began. “Even if you’re only going to be here for a few hours. Sometimes a few hours with you brightens my mood for weeks; even months.”

He looked away from the camera for a second, shaking his head and letting out a slight laugh. “I, uh, I missed my girlfriend, you know? I still can’t believe I even have one since I’m still incapable of socializing with people. But you like me, apparently. And I...”

His mouth hung open as if he wanted to say something else but he closed it and pinched the bridge of his nose. I heard him mutter under his breath before facing the camera again. “And I love you.”

My eyes widened at this. At that point in the video, his voice stopped sounding shaky and he was speaking with the same kind of confidence and certainty he had in his YouTube videos.

“There. I said it and now your camera managed to capture that for you to see because I’m pretty sure I’m going to chicken out on saying it when you leave. But yeah. I should go before you wake up and catch me. Good luck on your music career and let me know when you get home from your flight. Or when you get to LA since I know that’s not your home. Okay, bye.”

If I wasn’t crying earlier, I was definitely crying after watching that. I looked around me to see if anyone was wondering what was wrong, but nobody had noticed me yet. For the first time, I didn’t really care if people saw me cry because I was in too good of a mood to worry. It made me feel less sad about leaving and more excited than ever to get things done. That little video message was all the motivation I needed to make it back to the states and finish recording.

Just a few more weeks and I’d get to go back.

Back to home.

Back to Dan.