Innocence

Sitting in Mike’s old car, a Bentley Continental Flying Spur which I was told frequently enough for me to memorize the name, I lifted my legs from the leather seat, my slick legs sticking to it. The air was humid for being December, but everyone was enjoying the weather. 70 degrees on the fifth wasn’t something that usually happened, but I didn’t complain, happy to still be able to wear my shorts. School had just ended, just Friday to go before the weekend. I wasn’t looking forward to the weekend like any normal seventeen year old would be. Maybe that was because I had something that I wasn’t looking forward to.

The car jerked to the left as Mike pulled into my driveway. “There you go.” He said, smiling at me from the driver’s seat.

I smiled back and got out of the car. Before I could shut the door, be back up the car, putting on the breaks quickly. The force of the stop swung the door back toward the car and it slammed shut. “Show off!” I yelled, trying to make him hear me. He grinned maliciously, and backed out of the driveway. “See ya Mike!” I yelled, not able to help how sad my voice sounded.

He gave me a little wave and zoomed off, only to turn onto the next driveway and get out of his car. “See ya later!” he answered back, heading into his house. I followed his lead, going into my own home.

Mike has been my best friend since elementary school. He has always been, and always will be, the most wonderful person I know. He is almost seven feet tall and has the longest legs. His hair is shaggy and red, which covers his eyes. I complain about that part a lot. His eyes…you could drown in them without even trying to. They caught people off guard all the time. They are ice blue and very gentle. They look so sweet and innocent. I hope they stay that way forever…

I put my book bag down on the ground by the front door. My mother’s voice called from the kitchen, somewhat anxious, some what relieved. “I packed most of your clothes away. I left a pair of pajamas and a couple outfits in your closet; everything else is in the hallway.” A pause. “And most of your other things are in boxes as well. You hadn’t done it so I did.

“Thanks mom.” I said with a little anger in my voice. There was a reason I had kept procrastinating. I didn’t want to move to Maine. My home was here, in Georgia like it always had been. “Thanks Dad.” The word dad on my tongue made me sick, but I took the anger I felt out on a box that lay beside the door, kicking with my shoe as I flung them off my feet. It was his fault after all.

My mom’s voice switched to concern. “Is everything all right sweetie?”

“Just fine.” I said as I walked up the stairs. We were moving, and I didn’t like it. Why do we have to move? Why can’t we just stay here? We have gotten along just fine without my dad for three years. We survived without him, so why go to him now? Because he charmed my mom that’s why. He called a month ago to tell my mom he had changed his mind, he got a job, a good house.

One month later, we are moving.

I went into my room, planning on e-mailing Sarah, a friend I had in California that I kept in touch with every now and then to get my mind off of moving and onto anything else. I was sadly disappointed. When my mom said everything, she meant everything. My desk was bare; no computer in sight. I looked in my closet, and on a few hangers were exactly what she said; a few outfits and a pair of pajamas.

“Well, don’t I get any underwear?” I asked the room at large. I looked all around and noticed that all of my pictures, my posters, my rugs, and anything else that would make me feel at home were gone. My mom packed it all away. “I hate this.” I whispered, sweeping out of the room pulling out my phone and texted Mike: Meet at park in 30. I tried as hard as I could to keep quiet as I slipped back on my shoes and opened the door, but my mom had good ears.

“Candace? Where are you going?” my mom asked, still in the kitchen.

“Park,” I said simply. I shut the door behind me and started to walk toward the park. It wasn’t that far away, maybe five minutes or so. I just needed some time to think before I met up with Mike. I promised myself I would tell him today; I swore I would. That was thing I had been dreading; telling Mike. I couldn’t tell him that I was moving. How could I? My only true friend. I had tried numerous times, but failed at each attempt, always deflecting the subject.

But this time would be different. I knew it would be. There wasn’t any time left. We were leaving on Saturday, just two days away.

He had no idea what I was keeping from him these past few weeks, but he knew it was something. He knows me so well. I needed to figure out a way to tell Mike that I was moving, that I wouldn’t be able to come back for awhile. How could I do that? How could I tell him I wouldn’t even be able to see my one and only friend for more than a year?

That is why I kept putting it off.

In no time I was at the small park behind the elementary school. It was covered in little pebbles and woodchips. The whole thing was about the size of a basketball court. Three swings were lining the back with two slides in front of them. I think that is why Mike and I liked it so much. We go there about four times a week to just hang-out since no one else goes there.

I went to the middle swing and sat down hardly swinging back and forth. I tried to rack my brain for something that I could tell Mike, but my mind was blank. If I eased into the conversation, then I wold just be prolonging the conversation. And if I just went out and said it, what would happen then? I don’t know how long I was there, but I must have zoned out. Before I knew it, Mike was behind me pushing the swing. For along moment, we were silent. I knew why I was silent, but his silence was odd.

“So why the sudden meeting? You were just in my car you know.” Mike said, grabbing the swing to stop it and poking his head around my back to smile brightly. “No…. I’m just kidding. I had nothing to do anyway.” When I didn’t answer, he walked over to the swing on my left and sat down. I slowly started to rock myself back and forth with my feet on the hard rocks barely moving. “What is it Candace?” Mike said, now serious.

I could feel his piercing eyes on me, but couldn’t pick up the courage to look at him. “I have something to tell you.” I said, staring at the ground. What was I going to say? I didn’t come up with anything in the last half hour. I was going to have to wing it.

“I’m listening.” He said, shuffling slightly at my tone of voice. He put his hand in his pocket clearly holding something.

“I don’t know….how to…” I tried to spit out the words but nothing came. Mike didn’t say anything, waiting for me to go on. “You know my dad left three years ago…” I said, pausing to see if Mike would answer. He didn’t so I continued. “Well, he found a job and is apparently bathing in all this fame and glory. My mom says he has got a pretty large amount of money from being a producer. She wants us to go live with him.”

“That is good isn’t it? You could see your dad again.” He was trying to lighten the moment, but it wasn’t working. He really didn’t know anything about my dad ever since he had left.

“Yeah, I guess.” I said, still looking at the ground. “I won’t be able to see you though.”

“Of course you will, you can come visit me, or I can come visit you.” His eyes were still piercing me.

“No we can’t Mike.” I said finally looking into his eyes. They weren’t like they usually were. They were cold and harsh. They even looked a little pained. Maybe we would have money to fly from state to state, but how many times could one person do that? And school was still going on until June.

“What do you mean?” He asked, his voice cracking.

“My dad found a job in Maine.” My voice cracked as well. Tears were welling up in my eyes now, slowly flowing down my cheek.

Mike didn’t answer for a moment and just stared at the ground. Then he said, “So when are you going?”

I flinched. The question I dreaded had come up at last. “Two days.”

Mike shifted in his seat, surprised by my answer. Of course he was expecting in a month, maybe more than that. Two days wasn’t really the kind of heads up he had hoped for. His voice was harsh and yet calm, deafening and yet a whisper all at the same time. “How could you not tell me this?”

“I…I…” I stammered, stunned by his calm reaction.

“Do you know what I have been through these past couple of weeks? You, sulking around, avoiding me, not talking to me. I thought I had done something that offended you. I stayed away from you, not wanting to upset you further. I thought you would get over it and tell me on your time what was on your mind. We tell each other everything! How could you!” He finished with a huff, kicking at the rocks that were under the swing.

He took the thing he was holding in his pocket, staring at it. I couldn’t help but stay staring at the ground. My muscles were frozen, waiting for the explosion to come, but it never did. He chucked the thing he was holding into the gravel a few feet away from us, then stood up. “I have to go.” His feet left large holes in the gravel as he stormed away from me. His built up anger inside was worse than if he had just gone out and said what he really wanted to say. He always kept things in, making it worse when he finally exploded. Maybe he would explode before I left, or maybe after. I didn’t know which one I would like better.

“Mike!” I screamed after him, “Mike, please!” He didn’t turn around to acknowledge that I was yelling after him. I stood up, not knowing what else to do. I didn’t know what to do. I had never seen him so mad before. I hadn’t really seen him mad at all. He was the type of person that was always happy. When he disappeared out of sight, I walked over to the place where the thing he had thrown laid. The tears were like a waterfall now, flowing out of my eyes so fast I could barely see. It was a blue box, about the size of a ring box.

As a matter of fact, it was a ring box. Inside was a small gold band, a large ruby in the center of it, small diamonds surrounding the elegant stone. It wasn’t gaudy like the rings you saw elders wear, but it was small either. It was…perfect.

I didn’t think it was possible, but the tears came faster and harder than ever. Was this for me? Did Mike really buy this for me? I had no idea what this meant. I put the ring back in the box and put it in my pants pocket. The tears still streaming down my face, I headed home. The walk was longer than I thought it would be. I was dreading the moment when I would round the corner and my house would become visible. What would happen if Mike was outside his house or mine? Would I be able to say anything to hi,m?

When I turned onto my street, there was no sign of him. That was a very good thing and a very bad thing. The good thing about it was that I didn’t have to see Mike. He was so angry and hurt by what I had done to him. The bad thing about it was I couldn’t see Mike. I needed to talk to him, to explain myself to him. I didn’t want to have him mad at me forever. Did I have a choice though? Maybe in theory I would be able to explain my actions, but in reality I knew I was too chicken to do so.

“Honey?” My mom called, after the front door swung open, still in the kitchen, “What do want for dinner?”

“Don’t care.” I said trying to hide my anguish. I wiped my tears on my arm and headed for the stairs.

“Where are you going?” she asked, popping her head out of the kitchen. Her long blond hair was the smoothest hair I had ever felt, straightest too. I didn’t get blessed with her hair though, I got my dad’s brown thick and wavy hair. It was plain, like most of my life.

With my back to the kitchen I said, “Shower.”

“Well hurry up. I need help packing up the dishes.” She said turning around to go back into the kitchen.

I didn’t answer. I just went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. The water seemed cold on my skin as it dripped out of the shower head and down on me. Every few minutes, I turned the temperature higher and higher, not really feeling a change. I stayed in there till the hot water was gone. How could this have happened? What does the ring mean? Does he like me, like me, or does he just like me as a friend and meant it as a friendly gesture? I was so confused and I wanted answers.

If I really wanted answers so badly, would Mike actually give them to me?

When I got out of the shower, I got the ring from my pants pocket and went to my room across the hall. I got into the sweats that were laid out on my bed, putting the ring on my desk. The blue box stood out in my empty room, almost the only thing with any kind of color left in it in sight.

I decided I would call Mike to get some answers so I dialed his number and got his answering machine. I didn’t want to leave a message. My voice would be shaky, upset, and some what unintelligible, so instead, I text him.

Im so srry I didnt tell u.
I wish I had pleaz tlk 2 me

I knew he wouldn’t reply, but he would get it. I looked at my alarm clock sitting on the floor, my end table now gone, and it said 8:02. I curled up in a ball under my covers and lay wide awake for a few hours, thinking of Mike. I knew I needed to talk to him at school so he wouldn’t just walk away from me. I hate myself for doing this to him.

I held my phone in my hand, just waiting for it to buzz in reply to receiving a message, but it stayed stationary for hours as I lie awake in my bed, my eyes fixed on the wall across the room. When I couldn’t hold my eyes open any longer, I let them fall, going in the most restless sleep I had ever had. It was the worse night I have had in a long time, waking up in a crabby mood. I got up earlier than usual the next morning. This was my last day of school, and it might be my last time to talk to Mike. I needed to get there early.

I got dressed, combed my hair, and rushed out the door. Mike was my usual ride, but I assumed he wouldn’t even bother picking me up today, so I got my mom’s car out of the garage and took that to school. When I got to school, I didn’t see Mike’s car in the parking lot. I headed to first hour astronomy, trying not to sulk around like a zombie on my last day. No one really knew it was last day. My teachers did, but they didn’t really say much. After all, I was leaving in the middle of a semester, so all of the work I had done was pretty much wasted now.

I sat next to Kathryn, a tall and lean girl with crazy red hair. She smiled at me as I sat down, but didn’t anything to me. I smiled back, glad to have at least one person who seemed happy. A group of three boys walked into the room then, all laughing and whooping at something they did to a freshman the night before. They were the jerks that were in most of my classes, always picking on every person that would respond to them.

They use to do it to me, but when I started to ignore their existence, it must have gotten boring to them, so they did the same to me as I did to them. I did notice them though; the leader of the group was the smallest of the all. What he lacked in height, he gained back in strength. His large muscles always popped out of his tight shirt, two sizes too small. He smiled his wicked smile at me, catching me staring.

I didn’t smile back, hanging my head and looking at my desk.

I couldn’t wait much longer because I was leaving tomorrow morning. I decided I would try one more time to talk to him. At lunch I took out my cell phone and texted Mike:

Where are you?
I need to talk to you.
Please.

Lunch was longer than it usually was. I was constantly staring at my phone., waiting for it to buzz to alert me that I had a message. Ten minutes passed, then twenty with no answer. I began to lose hope, sure I would have to go over to his house and talk to him. That was what I wanted to do of course, but I wasn’t sure if that was what he had wanted me to do.

A girl named Kaleen sat next to me at the table. A large smile showed her bright green braces, her blond hair going with them nicely no matter how weird that was.

“I heard you were moving.” She stated, not really asking a question.

“Really?” I mumbled, pushing the food on my plate the lunch ladies called macaroni and cheese.

She nodded very enthusiastically. “So is it true?”

I put my fork down and turned to look at her. “Where did you hear that?”

She shrugged. “I actually saw the moving truck outside of your house this morning on my way to school.”

“Oh.” I offered no other answer. I left my tray on the table and left the lunch room. I got my book s from my locker and headed to my next class ten minutes early.

After school was over I drove home and went inside. I threw my shoes off and slumped on the couch. My mother’s voice carried from the top of the stairs saying, “Everything from your room is now in boxes. Could you please take them outside?”

“Sure mom.” I said.

I wanted to be outside anyway. I wanted to watch Mike’s house; I needed to know if he was home. If he was, I was going to go over there and talk to him face to face. He couldn’t ignore me if I was right in front of him. Not that him being home would stop me from going over there and waiting in the living room with his parents.

Today was not like yesterday. The wind whipped around my face, making me shiver constantly. I wrapped my coat tightly around myself, slipped on the gloves I had taken off just a second ago, and put on my hat. Yesterday we were wearing shorts, today we were bundled up like we were in Antartica.

I walked to the big stack of boxes and started to bring them out to the moving van now in our driveway. It had arrived this morning before I left for school. Every trip back up to the house, I would look at Mike’s house and see his bedroom curtains closed. On the last trip I looked on my way to the truck and for a second I saw Mike staring at me.

I put the box in the back of the truck and started to walk towards his house. I could no longer see him in his window but I knew he was there. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but I could leave like this. I pressed my palm against my pants pocket, feeling to ring box there. I would have to remind myself to bring this up. Maybe he had forgotten it there and it wasn’t meant for me.

I walked to their door and knocked. His mother answered. She looked just like Mike. Her hair was red and flowing freely around her face, and she was pretty tall, but her eyes were a dull brown.

“Hi Marsha. Can I talk to Mike?” I asked sweetly.

“He isn’t feeling very well.” She said frowning at me.

“Oh. Well, can you tell him I really need to talk to him?” I asked, frowning as well.

“Yes.” She said blankly.

“Thank You.” I said.

She closed the door in my face, not bothering to add anything else. “Well…” I mumbled to myself. I took out my phone, still standing on the front step and dialed Mike’s cell. It was off, going right to the answering machine. I took a breath and waited for the beep that told me I could start my message.

“I am so, so, so sorry Mike. I know you are mad at me, but I really need to talk to you. I need to talk to you about…a lot of things. I am leaving tomorrow at 7:00. I won’t be at school so…” I trailed off and paused for a minute.

The tears were welling up in my eyes as they usually did when I get mad or a little upset. “I’ll miss you.” I said in a whisper and hung up. I left then, ducking my head against the harsh wind and went back home. Going in right now would have been a mistake because I could tell my eyes were still filled with tears, staining my face and making my eyes puffy. It wasn’t that I was sad, of course I was enormously sad, but Mike’s actions were just making me so mad.

This kind of reaction from him was not expected at all. Wouldn’t he want to spend the rest of the time with me? Hang out and laugh before I left for Maine? That was what any normal person would want anyway. It was just so dumb for him to ignore me, and just plain childish. He was so stupid!

I went inside the house after calming myself down. The TV’s muffled noise could have been heard from the doorway. My mom was distracted, and that was good. The hot water of the shower was calling me. I didn’t protest, climbing into the scolding water and sighing. For the second day in a row, I stayed in until all of the hot water was gone, making sure to keep quiet as I cried.

I tried to stop, I really did, but my body just let it all out at once. The anger I felt for my father for leaving, the anger and pity for my mother that she had accepted and believed my dad really wanted us back. And the final thing was Mike, and how I was hurt, I was confused, and I was just plain pissed. It all came out through my eyes in small wet droplets, running down my cheeks and disappearing through the drain underneath my feet.

Staring at myself in the mirror, I sighed. My light brown hair hung in wet strands around my face, dripping onto my shoulders and trailing down my body. My grey eyes were puffy and swollen, making my face looked hideously depressing. I sighed again, trying to look away from myself, but having no such luck.

I had been in such a great mood for the past two years, finally accepting that my father had left us and was not coming back. Yes, I did have to take care of my mother’s very depressed self, but I had learned to accept that this was how life is. Life was good for me. My father always had to ruin everything for me.

I grabbed a towel from under the sink and dried off my wet body, twirling my hair into the white towel. I slipped a very large t-shirt over my head and left the bathroom before I could get trapped in there by my reflection again.

The TV’s white noise still filled the house. I could see my mom from the top of the stairs, her light blonde hair covering part of her face as she slept on the couch. I had to smile to myself. She looked so peaceful lying there. She was probably having a good dream too, thinking of my father.

If I was being truthful with myself, I rarely ever thought of Nathan Heart as my father. Maybe I did by accident, but when ever I addressed him out loud, or even in my head, I called him Nathan. Why I was calling him father in my head now was a mystery to me.

A father never abandoned his kids for a women that wasn’t their mother. No, a father was person that would be there for their kids no matter what hardships caused his family pain. A father would love his children unconditionally without any expectations. Isn’t that what a father was?

Maybe I was wrong.

But I knew one thing for sure. Fathers didn’t ask their daughters to keep secrets for them about affairs. Technically though, he had never asked me not to tell my mother. I had decided that on my own. Even so, a father wouldn’t burden his daughter with such thing, wouldn’t even think about doing something so volatile that it made someone sick to their stomach. Maybe it wasn’t so upsetting to some people, but I had loved my dad. He had been my best friend until he hadn’t shown up for my birthdays anymore, left emails instead of coming to Christmas dinner.

No, Nathan was no father to me.

He is dead to me.

“Candace?” my mom asked. She was standing next to me, her arm on my shoulder. I jumped, startled by her presence next to me. “Are you okay honey?”

I nodded. “Sorry, I was just day dreaming.” I looked down at the couch where she had been before. “I thought you were sleeping.”

She smiled, brushing her fingers along my warm cheek. “I was, but I’m up now.” Her hands dropped to her sides, the brushed a strand hair I had missed and tucked it behind my ear. “How was school? I didn’t get to ask you before.”

I sighed. “Boring. My teachers wished me fair well, some students knew I was leaving and said goodbye. It was almost a normal day I guess.”

“So where is Mike? I thought he would be all around you until the minute you left.” She laughed. “I almost thought he would have tried to come with us. Or at least chase after the car as wee were leaving.”

I laughed too, no matter what kind of mood I was in. “He’s home.”

She pinched eyebrows together, trying to figure out why. Before she could ask the question she was dying to get the answer for, I asked one of my own. “What’s for dinner?”

She smiled. “Spaghetti, you’re favorite.”

I smiled too. “Alright, I’ll help you out. One second.” I raced back to my room and put on some pajama pants, the only one left in the whole house for me. I threw the towel that was around my hair in the corner of the room onto of the one book that was still left in my room. Sunshine by Robert McKinley lay open to that page I had been a few days ago when I had last read it.

Snatching it up, I began to read the part I was at. Rae "Sunshine" Seddon had just been thrown into a locked room with a vampire. One of my favorite parts. It was in the beginning of the book, but the way Sunshine was scared and yet almost curious about it all always caught me off guard no matter how many times I read it.

The concept of vampires in the world made me laugh. There was no way something could live off of blood and survive, could there? But then again, female mosquitoes could doit, the assassin bug could, so why couldn’t humans do it? I never believed that vampires ever really did exists, but if I really thought about it, there could be some lurking around without my knowledge.

I laughed out loud at my thoughts. Every time I read this book, my mind was always a little unrealistic, believing that there was good in every single person, every single living thing, and believing that anything could be real, no matter how dumb it sounded.

Maybe I did have an over active mind, but I would rather have an overactive mind than not one at all.