Innocence

The rest of the break, I sat around the house doing absolutely nothing. Reading was the only thing my parents would actually let me do. They called it grounding, but in truth, it wasn’t even close to it. They did say I couldn’t watch TV with them, but I never did that anyways. The only other restriction was that I had to stay home. That wasn’t as much of a punishment as they thought either. Okay, so yes I couldn’t leave; but I didn’t have a vehicle to do so if I wanted to do anyhow.

They were trying though. They talked to me about disobeying and told me that from now on, I had to ride with Charles until they thought I was worthy of getting a car that I could actually drive. This was the true punishment.

School started in two days, and I would be showing up in a stretch limousine. That will help me blend in…or stand out dramatically. It really depends on what school I am going to.

“Everyone will want to get to know the girl that rides to school in a limo.” My mom argues one afternoon.

I sigh. “Maybe that is what I don’t want to happen.”

Her face changed from convincing to concerned. “You don’t want any friends?”

I sigh again. “That wasn’t exactly what I meant. But in a larger picture, I guess you are right.”

Yes, the picture was that I didn’t want any friends. The smaller picture was that I didn’t want any friends here. Friends would make me want to stay here. N matter what happens, I want to want to go back home. If I find a million friends here, who’s to say that I won’t choose them over Mike?

My mom slides a new cell phone across the dinner table. “If you blow this one up, Im not getting you a new one.”

My new cell phone had been lost during the car crash and I haven’t been able to find it since. We even went out to the crash sight to look for it. My parents say I should be more shaken up about almost getting killed, but I don’t really see why. I was going to die, but I didn’t. Doesn’t that happen all the time? I’m not a special situation or anything. You see it all the time on the news.

I take the phone and turn it on, seeing that I already have a text message. I open it and it is a long rant from Mike about ignoring him now is only like me doing what he had done to me.

“Can I be excused?” I asked, not bothering to wait for answer before I get up.

“Is everything okay?” Nathan asks.

“Peachy.” I go into the living room and plop myself in front of the warm fire, dialing Mike’s number. This makes me nervous because I hadn’t really thought about him lately. My mind must have been jumbled when I hit my head.

“Candace?” Mike almost screams into the phone.

“Yeah, sorry about that Mike. I didn’t mean to ignore you. I didn’t ignore you at all really; I just lost my cell phone.”

He sighed, sounding relieved. “How did you lose your phone?”

I paused trying to decide what to say. My cast suddenly felt heavy on my arm, and I dropped it to the ground, switching the new phone into my other hand. “Ahh…” Would the truth be the right thing at this moment for him? He would never see me anyway, so why worry him?

“I don’t know how I lost it. One minute it was there the next it was gone.”

“But you found it?”

Something else I may need to lie about. If I explained I didn’t—it was a long shot, but—it could end up being a conversation I did not want to have. “Yeah, I did.”

“Where did you find it?”

I sighed. This was so complicated. “Actually my mom did.” Before he could ask again, I told him, “And I don’t know where she found it. She never told me that.”

“Oh, okay. So how was your Christmas?”

I smiled. “It was a very eventful day. How was yours?”

It was his turn to pause. “Okay I guess.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing really?”

I could that something was wrong, but I could also tell that he didn’t really want to talk about it and I should just change the subject. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Alright, well I won’t lose my phone anymore, so you can call me anytime.”

He laughed at that. “I’ll remind of that the next time you lose your phone. So…you had to have driven you car. How was it? Did you go fast? How the handle on it? Was it easy to control or was it just a dud?”

I could tell he was dumbing down his questions so I could understand what he was talking about. I was grateful for his thoughtfulness, but not grateful for the topic. Was the world out to get me today, or was it just Mike? “Yeah I drove it…”

“So? How was it?”

The truth would work on this question. “It was the best car I have driven in my whole life!”

“Man, I wish I could have driven with you.”

My high mood slips into a lower version. “Yeah, I wish you were here. No, actually I don’t. Iwish I was there with you.”

“The feeling’s mutual.” He admits.

“That’s all we can wish for right now.”

I sigh. “Well, I think you should talk to me all night long so I don’t have to go and face my parents.”

Mike perks up. “Let’s do it.”

Maybe trying to stay up all night long wasn’t such a good idea. The next morning at seven AM, Gloria bustles into my room and flips on the light. I groan, hiding my face under the covers. “What is it?” I ask, trying to fall back asleep before she answers.

The covers are thrown off of my head and all the way to my feet. “Your mother wants to take you shopping.” She says, staring at me. Her deep blue eyes bore into me, but she caught my attention. Her long hair had been so flowing and beautiful, but it was no longer that way. It was shorter, a little above her shoulders.

“You cut your hair.” I stated.

She nodded. “Yes miss.”

“Stop calling me Miss.” I ordered, pulling the covers back over my head.

“Sorry.”

I didn’t hear her leave, and I didn’t hear anyone else come in, but I knew my mom was there. “Aren’t you going to get up?” she asked, pulling the covers off of me like Gloria had.

“Not at this hour.” I say, reaching for my covers.

Her grabbed my hands and pulled me to my feet. “We have to go school shopping.”

I groaned. “Don’t remind me.” School starts back up again tomorrow after a long holiday break, and I was already enrolled to be there at 7:35 sharp. I groaned again, thinking of what time I would need to wake up. After such a long break, my sleeping pattern was off. I wouldn’t be very awake on the first day of school. It wasn’t the school part that I was worried about, but about all of the judging teenagers that would take one look at me, and label me like they always do.

The one percent in the student body that doesn’t do that will be all over me, trying to decide where I should be on the student body popular scale.

Exciting stuff…

My mom drags me out of the house and into the limo for a short ride to the mall. The mall is so packed that I want to turn right back around and go home. Charles is told to come back in three hours. What would take three hours about school shopping was beyond me.

The first store I was dragged into was a clothing store. I steered my mom out of there as soon as we went through the door. “Dad already bought me a million different clothes mom. One more item and my closet is going to pop open.” When I said this, I was careful to use the word ‘Dad’ instead of ‘Nathan’.

“She nodded. “Right, well let’s get you the school supplies then.”

We didn’t go to a Wal-Mart, or a Target, but went to fancy store where everything got my name imprinted on it all. My pencils, my pens, even my paper had my name on it. I tried to tell my mom this wasn’t what normal people would have, but she insisted that it was what I needed.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, but ever since we moved here I feel like the both of us have changed so dramatically that I can’t be myself around her anymore. It must have felt the same way with her because she seemed just as distant as I was being. We didn’t talk about much of anything as we went through the colors of different things I could have, the designs it came in, and the scent they offered.

What I really want to tell my mom was that I didn’t want to stand out in school. People who stood would be watched a lot, just so someone could see something happen to them that either made them famous, or crushed them to smithereens.

I couldn’t say this though. My mom wouldn’t understand why I don’t want to stand out. She was the girl that had blue and pink hair when she was in high school. She was the one who would play tricks on the teachers and try to be as different as she could. Sometimes I think she wanted to have a daughter like her, because she has always prided herself on being different when she was young.

When I ask her why she changed, her answer is always. “Well honey, I got responsibilities and I just grew up.”

Translation: I got pregnant and had you.

Do I really think she regrets having me? At times, it does seem that way. When she passes a crazy looking outfit in the store and her eyes glaze over like she is in a different time, then she comes back in a depressed mood, that is when I try and forget that I’m there, and try to make her forget to.

She had those types of days when she wanted to be young again and not have me to take care of a lot when Nathan left. I tried to disappear into the shadows, but be there for her at the same time. It was hard to find a balance but I had eventually gotten the technique down perfectly. Be seen but not heard.

I felt that way now. My mom wasn’t doing this for me, she was doing this for herself. She wanted to live through me like so many parents want to do with their children. That tradition may never get old. In two hundred years new parents may still want to live through their kids.

My mom’s fingers ran over a halter top dress that was black and yellow like a bumble bee, and flared out at the knees into a weird feathered look.

I stepped away from her, looking down the hallways. She was thinking back, and pretending I wasn’t alive. In my mother’s defense, she didn’t do it because she hated me and regretted having me. She loved me more than anything and would never change her life, but she sometimes wishes that her life before me could have been longer.

The mall has gotten more crowded as the hours pass. So many people are in the halls and in the individual shops, trying to grab some good deals after Christmas.

Three people catch my eye as they walk down the hall, all looking straight ahead with a pained expression. Trevor is in between two other boys, all dressed like they had been riding motorcycles; leather jackets and jeans with nice looking sneakers on.

I haven’t seen the other two boys before, but they are just as cute as Trevor is. One has blond hair and very dark eyes, almost black looking. The other had black hair and light green eyes. I can see them now as they come closer to me, not really seeing me.

I take in a breath, glancing at the black haired one. He is so much cuter than Trevor, his features sharper, his face harder, but more inviting than the other two.

All three past me at the same time, not even realizing I was there. Their walk is graceful, and sharp, their movements precise. The black haired one’s head turns and looks back at my direction, his eyes meeting mine.

Trevor looks too, and smiles. He stops walking and turns to come to me. The other two stop as well, looking at Trevor like he is insane even though he hasn’t done anything yet.

I can’t breath. The black haired one is still looking at me unblinkingly. I try to take my gaze away from him, hearing my mother call my name, but I can’t seem to do it. I can tell the one who is staring at me is the tallest of the group but only by about an inch or so. His eyes almost speak to you as you stare into them, even from how far away I was.

I just couldn’t break the gaze. My mom has to do it for me.

Her body blocks my view of the three boys as she steps in front of me. “Candace? I was talking to you.”

I shake my head and look at her. “Sorry, what were you saying?”

“We should go home now. I think we have enough things for your first day of school.” She thinks about it then adds, “And a few years after that.”

I pick up the three bags I have set on the floor, grunting at the weight of them. My mom starts walking towards the exit, letting me have a clear shot of across the hallway. But when I look, no one is there but people who are just walking by the shop. I looked all around the crowds, but can’t seem to find them anywhere.