Innocence

When I woke at five AM the next morning, I really didn’t think about what day it was. The night before, I had had a wonderful dinner with my mom, then watched a really old movie with her that we both laughed at. I had really noticed that the only piece of furniture left in the house besides our beds, was the couch we were sitting on. I hadn’t noticed that Mike was sitting next to me on the couch like he usually was. My mom had helped me get rid of the bad and unhelpful thoughts that I had been having.

Now, as I stared up at the ceiling, my sheets tangled up in my legs, a gasped. A weird reaction to what had popped into my head, but that was all that I could come up with to do. The moving truck was outside filled with all of my stuff, a box next to my bedroom door for the rest of my stuff.

I stumbled from my bed and into the bathroom where my clothes were still lying on the floor. I ripped my cell phone out of my jeans pocket, flipping it open to look at the screen. There were no new messages. The ring box had fallen out of my pocket too, falling to the tile floor with a small thump. I swiped it up and slipped it into the sweatpants’ pocket.

I slumped down the stairs and into the kitchen. I grabbed the carton of milk from the fridge, a bowl from the box on the counter, and a cereal box from another. I sat at the table, munching on my cereal and watched my phone.

I was so pathetic, sitting here and waiting for my best friend to call me. I needed to do something. As quick as I could, I dressed into my jeans and shirt, making sure I brought the ring along, put on my coat, and ran out of the house. I stopped right outside the door, pausing on the front step. The sun wasn’t even up yet. What time would it be? Five thirty at the latest?

I went back inside, almost slamming the door in anger. This just sucks. I thought, trying to get a grip. I could just go over to Mike’s house this early. I would go right before we left, even if the sun was just about to rise. That wouldn’t really matter.

I started to feel empty inside, like something was missing. This feeling was familiar to me. I had felt it about three years ago and had just gotten over it. Now it was coming back for a different reason. I didn’t want to leave Mike behind, couldn’t leave him behind. I had to though. It was the right thing to do. Maybe a clean break was what Mike had needed from me. Maybe he was protecting himself from more pain when I left. But it wouldn’t be that bad. After all, Mike had more friends he would hand around. He would be fine without me.

I wouldn’t go and see him, I would give him that much. If he didn’t want to talk to me, I would give him that. He would be fine without me, and I without him.

I was all anger now, trying to protect my own self from him. If he didn’t care enough to say goodbye, I would say goodbye to him either.

I shrugged out of my coat, letting it fall to the ground by the door. What was I doing? I was such a mess. I turned on the TV with the remote and fell on the couch. It was the channel 5 news discussing the sudden cold chilly weather we were having. I tuned it out without realizing it, focusing in on nothing.

The sun slowly rose, letting in some light from all of the windows of the house. The minutes flew by like seconds, letting my spirits slowly fade into nothing. I was only there in body now, my mind no longer comprehending what was happening. Maybe I had an anxiety attack because my chest started to hurt like crazy, and I couldn’t breathe.

I knew what they were because my mom had them often enough for the both of us. The pain slowly went away as I thought about Christmas, and how we were going to have a huge tree with lots of Christmas decorations around the house. I didn’t let my mind think about how Christmas wasn’t going to be in Georgia, but in Portland, Maine.

After my body relaxed, I got off of the floor that I had some how found myself lying on, and sat down on the couch again. No wonder my mom was always shaken up after her anxiety attacks. They were frightening.

“Are you ready to go?” My mom asked, coming down the stairs with a large box in her hands.

I nodded. “There is just a few things in my room. And where is my bed going?” I tried to act natural.

Now that I thought about it, I didn’t know where any of our furniture had gone. It had all disappeared one day when I had come home from school. My mom laughed like I should have known by now. “It is going to charity with the rest of our furniture. You’re blankets as well. Your dad says you won’t need any of that. He has us taken care of.”

“He’s not my dad.” I mumbled, passing her on the stairs I went to retrieve my things from my room. I grabbed the boo, the rest of my clothes, and my alarm clock, stuffing them into the box by my door. I took one last look around the room, noticing something on the wall by the door.

I laughed out loud, seeing what it was. I had been six years old, and had just learned to write full sentences out. I had decided to practice on the wall of my bedroom that day after school. The small but sloppy script said: My name is Candace Marie Heart. I love my mommy and daddy. That had been our assignment in Kindergarten; to write out two full sentences. I had just decided to write it out on the wall.

I got in the back seat of the van next to a box of my personal things I would want right away when we got to the new house.

We were driving to Tennessee then catching a flight to Maine. My mom just started the engine when I buckled my seatbelt. We were going to pass Mike’s house.

I looked to see if I could see him as we passed, trying to see his face one more time before I had to leave. And there he was, looking at me from his bedroom window. He didn’t wave, didn’t move and I pressed closer to the van’s door. I wanted to open it up and run to him, but I had told myself I would give him space.

What the hell…I was done with that. He didn’t need any space, he had just been mad like I had been only a few minutes ago. What had I been thinking when I hadn’t just gone over there no matter what the hour? His parents wouldn’t have cared. I use to do it all the time.

Before I could open the door and jump out of the moving car like a crazy person, Mike’s house disappeared. We were already off of our street and going onto the highway, ready to be free of our old life. I sat back in my seat, disappointed with myself.

The ring box in my pocket felt really heavy, but I didn’t reach in to retrieve it. I didn’t need to see the beautiful stones on the ring, or the beautiful yellow gold band that held it all together. It would have been torture to look at it.

I did get my phone though, flipping it open and dialing Mike’s number without even thinking. The phone beeped when I pressed send, bringing my attention to the little blinking words on the top of the screen. No service, it read. I slammed the phone closed at threw it into the box beside me, just realizing my mom had been talking to me.

“—so you will be able to spend so much time with him. Of course he is just as excited as you are to be able to see you again. I’m sure you two will have a lot to catch up on. I know I have loads to tell your father…”

Ahh, my father. Like I really wanted to se him. My mother could be so blind sometimes. Would she want to see that lying son of a gun anyway? All he did for our family in the end was give us pieces to put back into place.

My mother had it the hardest. She had been pregnant at the time when he left us. It was boy, and we had picked out the name Noah. It was my grandpa’s name and he had just passé away a few weeks before she found out. With the death of her father, a new baby, and her husband leaving her on her mind all the time, she was more than stressed. She was a mess.

My father never got to find out about the baby because she never told him…and it was never born. She had a miscarriage, caused by the stress she was going through. That was it for my mom, she broke down after that, only living with me in body. She never talked to me, hardly ever ate anything, and slept all the time. We almost lost our house at one point.

It was nice to see her now, happy as ever, the smile plastered on her face now never leaving even for a second. Of course this was what I had wanted for her all along, for her to be happy. I just thought Nathan would have nothing to do with it. Who would have guessed that he could have such an effect on her after all of this time.

I for one thought it pretty pathetic.

The drive to Tennessee was long and boring, nothing too exciting to see. We left the van with a man my mom had hired to drive it up to Maine, and got onto our plane that would take us to our new home. We sat in first class, courtesy of Nathan. I would have rather sat in the back, not really wanting to accept any gift from him.

I did not complain though. My mother was loving every minute of it, glad to not have to be doing anything for anyone right now. I loved that part too, glad to be sitting in the chair and not having to think about what I would have to make for dinner.

The good mood was lost rather quickly as sitting here gave me time to think. Mike was my only true friend I had ever had after elementary school, so being anywhere without him, doing something new without holding his hand at the same time seemed wrong. I had never flown before, so this was a new experience. The empty seat on the other side of me was a constant reminder to me that this just wasn’t right. It wasn’t right to be doing this without Mike.

I grabbed the phone in front of me and dialed Mike’s cell number. It was on this time, and he answered. If I thought it through, I would have known that he only answered because the number wasn’t familiar to him.

His voice was rough, angry. “Yeah?”

“Mike.” I sighed. It was so good to hear his voice.

He didn’t answer, silence seeping through the phone’s receiver.

“It’s Candace.” I clarified. My mom was watching me with a concerned look on her face. “Mike?” I asked after he didn’t answer.

Then the line went dead.

I held the phone to my ear, listening to the loud beep of the phone. Taking it away from my ear, I looked at the receiver as if it would tell me what to do next. I must have taken a long time because my mom took it from my hands and hung it up for herself.

“Everything okay?” she asked.

I didn’t answer right away, not sure if I could lie quite yet. When I felt confident and composed, I mumbled an inaudible, “Fine.”

My mom decided not to push it, though I knew she saw through me. I grabbed the ring box out of my pocket and set in on my lap, watching it intently. I didn’t want to open it, and I wanted to open it. I didn’t want to where it, and I wanted to where it more than anything.

Could someone be so confused about everything in their life at one time? So many things made me feel constricted, like I was being strangled. I closed my eyes, trying to stop the tears that were coming to my eyes. I had always been an easy crier when I was little, crying about nothing. Once I had gotten older, I had over come that and hadn’t cried since the day my dad left.

In the last few days, I felt like I was going back to my old habits. I wasn’t crying because I wanted something, I wasn’t crying because I was dejected, I was crying because I was angry. That was usually the case for me. When I am unhappy, I usually don’t cry about it and drown in my tears like some girls do. I use to, but my mom took that job from me so we switched rolls. I would take care of her everyday when she cried her eyes out over nothing.

I almost wanted that job back. It would be nice to cry like a normal person would when they left their best friend to go and live across the country. Shouldn’t I be in hysterics right now like a normal hormonal teenager? I should be jumping up and down screaming at my mom to take me back home because I don’t want to leave. I should be listening to really loud music that ruins your ears, and pretending that my parents don’t exist because I hate them so much.

But I’m not.

I’m not a normal teenager. I hate to say it because that would technically mean I hate myself, but I hate teenagers. They are all so obnoxious and trying o rebel against everything that their parents say. Who would truly want to do something like that? Most of them are rude to everyone, think they are always right and know what is best. I just don’t like the mind set of them.

I don’t think I have a mind of a teenager, but of an adult. I had to grow up a few years ago to help my mom out, and it stuck ever since. I never had a chance to be a teenager, but I don’t mind. I like that I am mature for my age. I almost feel superior to all of the others in my class even if I’m not.

My mom’s hand rested lightly on mine, seeing the tears stream down my face. She must have thought I was crying because I was dejected to moving. I may feel that way, but that wasn’t the reason I was crying.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

I nodded, slipping the ring box out of her sight.

“You know,” she began, patting my hand. “I think you will really like it up in Maine. There is so much forest, and your dad says the school is really amazing, not too big, not too small. There are about a thousand kids, so I’m sure you will make more friends.” She paused, then continued. “Your dad says he has made a lot of money, so we should be living in style. Now I know you don’t believe him about that, but I think you should trust him. He has really changed.”

I kept my eyes closed, willing my tears to stop streaming from my face. My mother’s words only made them stream faster and harder down face, soaking the collar of my shirt. My mo patted my hand a few more times then went back to reading the magazine she had brought along with her.

I gripped the ring box in palm tightly, trying to crush it with the force of my hold. It would even dent. Of course it was heavy duty…

The plane ride was long and boring, leaving me to do nothing but sit and watch the others surrounding me. A couple in front of me kept kissing each other the cheek, the women giggling delightedly every time. I figured they were newly-weds, maybe going home after their honey moon. I was sure they weren’t going to their honey moon. No one in their right mind would go to Maine for their honeymoon.

What was in Maine anyway? Is like my mom said, forest? If that was the case, I was going to die of boredom.

Three kids were sitting behind me, their mother across the isle. The handheld games they were playing created music, sounds of bombs and cars, and laughter around me. All three were well behaved, staying quiet accept when one groaned in defeat, another cheering for victory. I almost wanted to turn around and ask if I could watch them play.

That would have crept them out though, so I stayed put, listening to the noises coming from behind me. I tried to picture the games they were playing, but didn’t get that far. I knew one of the was playing a car game, but that was it.

I knew I was distracting myself on purpose, but I didn’t mind it much. A mental break down on a plane was not a good idea. I could wait until I got to Nathan’s home. No way would I be calling it my home. My house was at 14652 162nd Ave. Atlanta, Georgia. No other place could be called my home, no matter what any legal documents said.

I felt the plane descending without realizing we were actually landing until my mom almost screamed it in my ear. She was very excited to see Nathan. I was the exact opposite. Feeling the tires land on the runway and the engine come to a stop, my heart quickened. I wasn’t ready for this; I couldn’t do this, not without Mike. Mike was always there for something new. I can’t do this! I wanted to scream out loud.

I want my life back!