Innocence

Waking up this morning was not something I had hoped for. Christmas day was just not something I wanted to happen just yet. Maybe it was because I didn’t feel like I was in the right place for it. Or maybe I just wasn’t with the right people. Either way, I felt as though Christmas this year was going to be dud.

I had gone into the room on the right like my dad had said. After I had learned what it, I haven’t left. Food has been delivered to the room at mealtimes, and the only time I leave is to change clothes and go to the bathroom. A very comfortable couch is right in front of a wall lengthed window that lets in all of the sunlight I could have ever asked for. The best part of the room is the shelves and shelves of books. I have my own library!

There had to have been at least seven hundred books in here. All of them were brand new that I could see. Some of them were my favorites, and some I have never even heard of. The organization of it all was astounding to. Categories within categories within categories. It seemed difficult, but it was easier to follow than I thought possible.

My favorite section of the small library is in the back. A very large puffy chair sits in the corner, right next to a whole shelf filled with vampire books. Maybe it was because Sunshine was my favorite book that I liked vampire books so much, or the actual way the author could portray the relationship of the vampire and the main character so thoroughly. But the thing that draws me to the books is the different ways the author sees a vampire. Some are all god-like and beautiful, but some are dark and dangerous.

If I had to choose my favorite, I would say that it would be the dark and dangerous kind; the original vampires. I’m not sure what draws me to these specific ones. When I read about them—and they are written well—I feel like they could actually be real. Of course that is just my insane imagination talking, but couldn’t they? I mean…living things do live off of blood. I came up with a list to prove to myself yesterday that they really could exist.

I found an animal dictionary in here yesterday so I went through about half of the book looking at different types of animal. I learned a lot from being as bored as I am today.

But today I can’t go stay in my library and read. My parents have bought me a present. I haven’t gotten any clues as to what it is, and I’m not sure I want to know. This castle we live in had everything that I could possible need. I told them not to get me anything, but they went out and bought it yesterday.

Sitting in my now normal spot at the dining room table, I sighed. My mom and Nathan looked so happy to see me eating with them right now. Usually I kept upstairs. I think they finally got the message that I didn’t want to be here.

I shoveled another fork full of eggs into my mouth, chewing slowly. Maybe if I prolonged breakfast, they would decide to do presents without me.

My mom got up from her chair, stretching her long arms and legs. “Why don’t you hurry up with your eggs and meet us by the tree.”

I smiled. I know my mom too well. She was just too impatient for her own good.

Nathan nodded. “We’ll wait for you in there.”

I felt my face fall. Okay, maybe they wouldn’t go on without me.

I decided not to prolong the inevitable, so I trailed after them. The entry way was lite up by the humungous tree filled with read and green lights, flashing ornaments, and a very difficult tree skirt.

The living room was also lite up by the same thing, only the tree in there was smaller, and filled with all of my Christmas ornaments. My mom had made a family tradition that every year she would give me an ornament for Christmas. Now the tree was filled with seventeen of my Christmas ornaments, plus the regular generic ones. Under the Christmas tree there were three presents. Two of them were very small, but the third one was the size of a large book.

Nathan grabbed the smaller ones and handed one to me, then one to my mom. She squealed with excitement, ripping open the wrapping paper. A small leather box filled with a thin gold chain almost flew into the air as she flung herself at Nathan to kiss him full on the lips.

He laughed, picking up the box from her lap. Her set the necklace back to it’s normal position, and took out the bracelet that came along with it. My mom let her put it on her, almost jumping with excitement.

When my mom was around Nathan, she was like some sick teenager with her first boyfriend. It was odd to see her in that light; like I was the mother and I had to try and control the too teenagers with raging hormones.

My mom went and got the last present under the tree, giving it to Nathan. He opened it calmly, but when he saw what it was, his eyes started to fill with tears. I wanted to laugh at him, but my mom’s eyes were filled with tears, beginning to spill over. What was with these people?

“It’s almost every picture I have of her.” my mom said, opening to the cover on the big book he was holding. Now that the cover was flipped, I saw what it said on the front. Carved into the black leather book with a silver writing, it said: Candace’s life.

My mom and dad began to flip through the book, my mom explaining herself. “You were gone so much, and missed a lot of firsts. So I started making this book a long time ago. Now you have every big moment of Candace’s life for you to look back on, even though you weren’t there.”

I stood from the floor by the fireplace and went to look at the book. Should it have crept me out this much that my own father was going to have a scrap book of my whole entire life? Was that even normal?

They were looking through the back of the book at the last three years. The pictures from my very first formal dance last year with Mike too up three pages, showing the different stages of my wardrobe as it had come together. I had never seen the pictures of myself, hadn’t even known she kept a scrapbook.

The last time I went to the beach last summer was the last picture in there. Like most of the pictures though, Mike was in it. He was standing next me, his arm around me. His face was funny though because I had just picked up a handful of sand and thrown it at his chest, splattering his face in the process.

Me, standing beside him, was laughing. I remember I laughed so hard my stomach hurt for ten minutes after I had settled down. To prove that as a fact, I was clutching at my side in the picture.

I went to the other couch and slide down the back of it where I was still in view of my parents. The ache I had for Mike was getting larger. I couldn’t live without him here next to me. He needed to be here with me. I missed him so much.

Nathan looked at me expectantly, my mom joining him.

I took the paper off of the small box with one quick swipe, and took off the lid. Something I would have expected to see inside was a bracelet, a necklace, earrings maybe. But what I hadn’t expected to see was a set of car keys in the middle of a bundle of tissue paper.

“Merry Christmas!” they both yelled looking happy again.

I stared at the keys, not really sure what I should do or say next.

“You want to go and see it?” my mom asked. She stood with Nathan. They both grabbed one of my arms and heaved me off of the floor. “It is just so you.”

I was lead to the entry way, and I slipped into my winter boots. Nathan pushed my back till I stumbled out of the house and down the steps to the driveway. There sitting in the drive, was a car. This didn’t look like just any car though. This looked fast, looked dangerous, and looked…fun.

Nathan behind me pushed me toward it, explaining the different aspects of it as we went. “This is an Aston Martin DB9 and its a thoroughbred sports car. The front-to-rear weight distribution of the DB9 is a perfect 50:50, with 85% of the car’s mass sited between the front and rear axles. The aluminum V12 engine is mounted as far back as possible in a ‘front mid-engined’ layout. The compact aluminum transaxle housing the gearbox and final drive is positioned at the rear, forward of the rear axle.”

I turned around to look at him. Was he even speaking English?

“Sorry, what I mean to say is that it handles way better than your old car. It looks great, and it was made just for you. Merry Christmas Candace.” he said, flashing his smile at me.

I turned back to the car and examined it. The color was a dark red, almost blood red. The metal seemed untouched and brand new. Of course it was new; this was the new Nathan we were talking about.

I could see that this wasn’t an ordinary car, this was a sports car. My sports car…

I must have been still for too long because y mom tentative voice wandered from the front door down to me. “Do you like it?”

I juggle the car keys in my hand, wondering if I really wanted to accept this gift. Wouldn’t it be the right to do? They had bought this for me for Christmas; I couldn’t just give it back. “I love it.” I said sincerely.

“I wouldn’t take it out for a test drive right now though. It’s supposed to keep snowing. We don’t want you to crash.” Nathan said, grabbing me by the arm.

As nicely as I could, I shrugged him off. “I can walk by myself. I won’t trip. Stop worrying so much.”

I went back inside, looking back at the car parked in the snow.

“We’ll move it to the garage.” My mom soothed.

I followed Nathan inside and flung off my boots. The snow dripped onto the floor, making a mess. “Thank you for the present.” I said, giving my mom a hug.

She patted my head. “It was your dad’s idea.”

“Thanks.” I said, trying to smile at him. I knew it looked fake, but at least I was trying.

My mom clapped her hands together. “Why don’t we all go get dressed and play in the snow?”

“I’m out.” I said immediately. I ducked under my mom’s out stretched hands and headed for the stairs. I heard my mo and Nathan mumbled as I ascended, but ignored them. I really didn’t care what they had to say about me. I really didn’t want to spend time having fun with family this Christmas.

“Oh, Candace?” my mom called after me.

I stopped. Was she going to demand I come with her outside and have un with her and Nathan? Without looking down to see her, I called, “Yeah?”

“Since we turned off your old phone, your new one is on your bed.”

I didn’t answer, but shot up the stairs and down the hallway. My mom’s faint voice followed me, calling to me again. “Your number is the same, so your friends can still call you whenever they want!”

As if my mom had beckoned for my phone to ring, I saw it glowing on my bed, a very faint but audible ringing coming from the small contraption. I ran to it, picked it up, pressed the send button. “Hello?” I said into it.

The voice that came through the other line made my eyes start to tear up. “Merry Christmas Candace.” Mike was calling. He was actually calling me.

“I’ve missed you so much!” I admitted without thinking about what I should say, or what I have wanted to say to him.

“Me too.” He didn’t sound sincere when he said this.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing.” He said trying to sound happy.

It was like we hadn’t even had a fight, and everything was back to normal. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” He said again.

“What is it Mike?” I sounded a little meaner than I hoped to sound.

“I just don’t know what to say.” He admitted.

I sighed, closing my eyes. “You didn’t say goodbye Mike.”

He didn’t answer at first. All I could hear was his breathing. “I…couldn’t think of the right way to say it. I couldn’t find the right words to say to you what I wanted to.”

“You could have said goodbye.”

Mike didn’t laugh. “That seemed insignificant at that time.”

“Oh Mike. Why do you have to make things so complicated?” I didn’t mean for it to sound like I was accusing him of anything.

He didn’t take it that way. “That’s just the kind of person I am.”

I rolled my eyes, sitting down on the bed. “I know.”

“You know me too well.”

I smiled at this. “That isn’t such a bad thing.”

“Maybe its not.”

After a moment of silence, I said, “So…” I was at a loss for words.

“You like your new house?” He was trying to change the subject. I didn’t mind one bit.

“There are pros and cons I guess. One good thing about it is that it is the biggest house I have ever seen and I get a whole floor to myself. I even have my own library.”

“You sound spoiled…”

“Wait…” I said laughing. “I haven’t given you the cons. So number one: it’s to cold. Number two: it’s more like castle than an actual home. Number three: it’s snowing up here. Number four: everyone treats me like a princess they need to serve. Number five: its cold. And number six: your not here with me to enjoy all of it in it’s stupidness.”

Mike laughed, sincerely this time. “You said it was cold twice.”

“Well it’s cold!”

“So do you like it there?”

“It makes my mom happy to be here with Nathan.”

“That isn’t what I asked.”

“Atlanta is my home.” I was telling the truth. I hated this place.

He didn’t answer.

“I wish you were here.” I said again. “I want to do all of the new stuff with you like I use to. I want you to be here today so we can exchange gifts like we use to. I want to see your face light up when you open the gift, and then when you laugh at how stupid and funny the present is.”

“I sent your present in the mail.” He said smugly.

“You got me a present?” Now I felt bad. I didn’t get him anything. I hadn’t been in the cheeriest of moods lately.

“Not really, more like made you a present. It should be there today.”

“How did you get my address?”

Mike didn’t hesitate to answer. “I just went online, looked up your dad, and found the address that way. Not that hard really.”

I laughed. “You’re technology-challenged.”

“Okay,” Mike admitted, “I had my computers teacher do it for me.”

I laughed again. “I feel bad now. I didn’t get you anything.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

“But you got me something.”

“I don’t want anything Candace. It’s fine, really.

“Guess what?” I asked, smiling now.

“What?” I heard he was smiling too.

“My mom and Nathan got me a car.”

He suddenly got excited. “No way!”

“Yeah, it’s some weird sports car. I think Nathan said it was an Ashton Martan or something like that.

“An Aston Marti?”

“Uh…sure.”

“Ooh…god I’m jealous. What year is it?”

“The heck if I know.”

“That’s so sweet. I wish I could see it…” His excited mood was beginning to slip so I changed the subject.

“So what did you get me?” I asked. He knew I don’t like surprises.

“I got you three things actually. Two of them I’m going to tell you about. You’ll just have see what they are when they arrive.”

“Well what’s the third thing?”

He was quiet for a moment, and when he spoke, he was suddenly serious. “I’m sure you have it now. You took it from the park.”

I was silent too, trying to think straight. I went over to the bedside table and took the small box out of the drawer.

“Do you have it?” he asked after a few moments of just breathing.

I breathed into the phone a one word reply. “Yes.”

“Do you like it?” he asked.

I repeated my same reply.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded, then realized he couldn’t see me. “I’m fine.”

I sat there on y bed and listened to his breathing for an immeasurable moment. He was doing the same to me, keeping the silence between us. Then his breathing was suddenly cut off.

“Mike?” I asked, clutching the cell phone to my ear.

“Candace?” he said, mockingly.

I sighed. He was still there, good. I had thought he had hung up.

“I’m sorry.” he said.

“For what?” I asked confused.

“Not saying goodbye.”

I didn’t answer to that right away. I was trying to hold back the tears that were trying to force their way out. There was a sudden knock at the door. “Candace?” It was Nathan.

“Who’s that?” asked Mike.

“Nathan.” I whispered, “I’ll call you back later. Okay?”

“Don’t kill him.”

“Bye.” I whispered. I hung up and yelled at the door, “What?”

“Your mother and I are getting worried about you. Don’t you want to come outside and enjoy the snow?”

“No!” I snapped. I was talking through the door.

“Alright.” He said smoothly before walking back down the stairs.

Why I acted so rude to him without even trying scared me a little. Was I that hurt and broken up about it that my mind just reacted to him like he was some type of villain? What was I saying, he was a villain. It was just the cheery holiday spirit Mike had put me in making me believe that Nathan could be forgiven.

I wouldn’t let that happen.