A Little Bit Older

After being away from home for years, going back to my childhood home felt bittersweet. The last time I had lived in this room for an extended period of time, my brother had lived next door. The last time I had stayed in this room in passing, I had just lost basically my entire life plan. There was something nice about the comfort it provided, but it also hurt a lot to come home and see pictures that reminded me of how much in my life had changed.

“Ruby, honey, dinner’s ready!” My mom yelled from down the steps and I got up from my computer and walked down the steps.

I had been home for my week and Thanksgiving had come and past. My parents had both had work today so I’d spent most the day going through old photo albums and sitting in my brother’s old room. When I was younger, I’d always hated how my parents had left it basically untouched. I’d wanted to completely change it and get rid of all the memories it held, but now it felt comforting.

“How was your day, Rubes?” My dad asked as I sat down at the table and my mom started serving out the food.

“It was alright. Just spent a lot of time thinking about Teddy. How about you two?” I responded before starting to eat.

“Work as usual. I talked to Meghan today. She told me you were having boy troubles?” Mom asked with concern and I smiled lightly before shaking my head no. I had decided against telling Mom about the situation and had tried to lie to Meghan about it. Meghan insisted that I should get Mom’s advice so I told her we’d talked about it when I arrived, but apparently, she’d seen through that if she went to Mom instead. My sister knew me too well. Some days, she was a real pain.

“Nothing worth worrying over. You know how I am.” I said and tried to play it off.

“I don’t understand why you have such a hard time finding someone.” My dad said gruffly from the other side of the table. He was still upset that I hadn’t gotten married to Ryan all those years ago.

“Some people are better alone – look at Aunt Tracey. It’s not like I’m sad that I’m single.” I hoped they’d believe it.

“But you always wanted to have a big family when you were little.” My mom pouted.

“I also wanted to be a cashier and thought that a monster lived in the toilet and was going to drag me to the sewers when I was younger.” I responded lightly.

“That’s different,” My dad huffed and I rolled my eyes while looking down at my plate.

“Are you sure you’re happy?” My mom asked and I nodded heavily trying to convince her so we could drop the subject.

“I’ve got a great job, house, family, friends. It’s all great, you guys.” I smiled and they dropped the subject.

After a short dinner, where there wasn’t much more conversation aside from asking me how work was going, I went back up to my room. I wanted to spend more time with my family, but with Thanksgiving just behind us, I was honestly just exhausted with the fourth degree. Everyone wanted to know why I was single, why didn’t I have a family, why didn’t I have children. I was ready to get back to Huntington and have my own space again where no one brought up the past and asked me questions that I didn’t have answers to.

In the week following my “break-up,” I’d rearranged my furniture three times and decided to paint my living room walls. I had worked at least 15 hours of overtime in that week and had tried my hardest to stay busy. It had worked for the most part but now that I was here and had nothing to do, my thoughts caught up to me a lot faster.

There was a knock at my door and I looked up to see my mom standing in the doorway.

“Hey, what’s up?” I asked from my spot on the bed.

“Tell me the truth.” She said gently moving over to sit down next to me and I sighed. I was the definition of a terrible liar.

“I don’t know, Mom. It was a stupid decision and I got left with egg on my face. What more is there to tell?”

“Why’d you leave?” I knew Meghan had probably told her most of the story and I let myself fall over and rest my head in her lap.

“Because he wanted me to.” I said while closing my eyes and she started running her fingers through my hair.

“That’s a bad reason.” She laughed and I sighed because she was right.

“What was I supposed to do?” I asked and I could feel her eyes resting on my face.

“Why do you always give up on people so easy?” She asked in response and I had no answer. “You’ve always been so determined. When did you start letting other people decide your fate?”

“What do you mean?”

“Ever since you lost the baby, you’ve stopped fighting for you.” I opened my eyes and looked at her as I felt my eyes start to water slightly. I hated it when she brought up the baby but she never let it go. She knew I hated talking about it but forced me to whenever she got the chance because she was convinced that I hadn’t properly dealt with the pain of the loss.

“That was years ago. That has nothing to do with this.” I whispered gently. It had might have had something to do with it, but not directly. It wasn’t that I stopped fighting for me, but I stopped fighting against the inevitable.

“It has so much to do with this. You need to do what makes you happy. You want a family, you always have. I don’t believe for a second you’ve given up on that dream.”

“If it was meant to be, it would happen. I’m not made to be a mom or a wife, it’s just that easy.” I responded gently and she shook her head.

“That’s not true and you know it.” She said still running her hands through my hair like she did when I was younger and I could feel tears rolling over my cheeks and touching against my ears.

“Then why hasn’t it happened?” I asked finally getting frustrated. “What’s so wrong with me that I’m alone?” I whispered feeling completely helpless.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” She responded brushing the tears off my face. “You just need to start saying what you want. Tell him what you want from him. Don’t ask him what he wants from you, tell him what you need from him.”

“I don’t know if I can do that…” I said gently closing my eye again and trying to hide from the look of pity she was casting down on me. I couldn’t force him into a relationship with me when he wanted to be single. That’s not how relationships work.

“You’ve always been my strongest baby. You were always healthier than the other two and worked so much harder at your studies. When Meghan was born early, you were there as a little girl making sure that Teddy was taken care of. When I broke my leg when you were 10, you made sure the whole house was clean for me. When Teddy died, you were there making sure Meghan was okay. When you lost your baby, you were always making sure Ryan was okay. And when Ryan left you, you made sure that Dad and I were okay with the break-up. You reassured us that things would be okay because we were so sad for you. You, sweetheart, can do anything.”

“I don’t believe I can.” I whispered thinking over all the words of her tiny pep talk and picking them apart in my head.

“Try. For me. Try to believe it. You deserve to be happy.” I didn’t say anything else and let her just play with my hair. I don’t know how much longer we laid like that but eventually she got up and left me alone leaving with a kiss on my forehead.

If I deserved to be happy, why didn’t I feel like I could fight for it?