A Little Bit Older

The thing about relationships that I had never appreciated in the past was the effort that they required. Or rather, the lack of effort that I got in response for my personal efforts. I am not claiming that I’ve ever been the perfect girlfriend. By far, I’ve got my fair share of flaws. However, I have always been willing to try to find a middle ground without and work for my relationships. I may not be the firmest in my decisions all the time, but I tried. That was what I had always considered the most important thing and I had always wanted someone else to put an equal amount of effort in and try for me.

Matt had been trying. I had to give him that. In fact, I was seeing so much effort on his part that I almost lost my resolve plenty of times and gave into him. He was doing everything he could to catch my attention and make me forgive him. It was the definition of a New Year & New Leaf. The problem was that I wasn’t angry at him. He kept apologizing for things that I wasn’t upset over. I couldn’t figure out how to explain to him thought that I didn’t think dating would be a good idea.

Mostly, I think I was just afraid. That was the largest part of it. I was afraid of how strong my feelings were for him and I was afraid that by acting on my feelings I was going to get hurt. I still thought about the girl I’d seen him with at the club and couldn’t help but wonder just how easy it would be for him to move on if he ever got bored with me. When he didn’t want me around, it was so easy for him to push me away. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to handle that and I didn’t know what I would do if that happened again in the future. In short: I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

“Hey Ruby.” Tara called as she walked into the lab where I was working in a fume hood.

“What’s up?” I asked not taking my attention off what I was doing. I was almost finished and was just in the process of setting up some samples to send down to Julie in the analytical lab.

“How long are you going to be?” She asked pulling her safety glasses down over her eyes when she realized I was actually working with chemicals.

“Less than 10 minutes. Why?” I responded.

“Oh, uhm,” She stumbled which was unusual for her, “Julie was curious.” She finally answered and I couldn’t help but wonder what she wasn’t telling me.

“I thought Julie was on lunch already. She told me to just cap the samples and leave them here for her.” I pried a bit even though I knew I should be paying more attention.

“I’ll tell you when you’re done.” She said shortly before spinning on her heels and rushing out of the room. She ran into the door frame on her way out and I could hear her groan of pain as she made her way down the hallway.

That was weird, I thought. I finished what I was doing though before sitting down and recording my morning protocol in my lab notebook. After about twenty minutes had passed I figured I should go find Tara and figure out what the problem was. I walked out into the hallway to the hallways with my notebook under my arm,

“Tara?” I called knocking lightly on her doorframe on my way to my room.

“Oh! Ruby! Are you done?” She asked instantly getting flustered upon seeing me.

“Yea, are you going to tell me what’s happening now?”

She checked her watch quickly and scrunched up her face. “Oh nothing really. Uhm, have you been to your office yet?” She asked.

I held up my notebook and replied simply, “Nope.”

“Well, you should do that. And then come talk to me.” She said with a big smile that didn’t reach her eyes and I nodded slowly.

“Alright, sounds good.” I couldn’t help but wonder what all this was about but just went along with it. Tara could be odd sometimes, but this was a new level even for her.

I walked down the hall a bit more and went to get my office keys out of my pocket when I realized my door was already ajar. I approached slowly feeling an impending sense of dread in my stomach. I had a bad idea that I knew what all the fuss was about suddenly.

As I walked into my office, my fears were confirmed.

“Matt, what are you doing here?” I questioned exasperatedly as I stared at the large man sitting in the chair I left in the corner of my office. It was clearly too small for him and he looked beyond uncomfortable.

“I brought these for you.” He answered holding out a small bouquet of flowers and I sighed before accepting them.

“They’re very nice, but I’m sure that’s not the only reason you’re here.”

“No, I just missed you.” He trailed off and I sat down in my desk chair and felt somewhat ridiculous. My chair was too big for me and his was too small for him and the whole situation just seemed too comical for how serious it actually was.

“You saw me last week.” I reminded him. It had been three weeks since New Year’s and I had done a decent job at avoiding him when I could even though he had gone out of his way and called me most days to check up on me.

“I know, but you didn’t answer my phone calls these past few nights so I was worried…” He wasn’t wrong. I’d purposely ignored him for the past three days because I was exhausted of dealing with his intense level of commitment to me.

“I’ve been busy.” I lied before finally placing the flowers down next to my computer so that I could use my free hands to tuck my lab notebook away in it’s drawer.

“Oh, right. I didn’t think about that. I met your friend – the tall one. She’s nice.” He said and I could tell he was grasping at straws to make conversation.

“What do you want?” I finally asked not in the mood for small talk.

“Will you go on a date with me?”

“What?” I asked letting my jaw slack slightly at the question.

“A date. Like a real date. Maybe this weekend or if that’s too soon we could do something for Valentine’s Day maybe. I don’t know.” I blinked a few times and just stared at him in disbelief.

“I don’t know if I can.” I finally concluded quietly turning away from him and starting up my computer in search of a distraction.

“Why not? Are you busy those days? We can find another time.”

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“You never think it’s a good idea to hang out with me anymore.” He pressed and I closed my eyes and tried to maintain my composure. I had to keep my head on my shoulders. It was just very hard because I was not expecting this at work today and Ruby at work is much different than Ruby at home.

“I know.” I said as I typed my password when the screen prompted.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then give me a chance. Please. I want to make it up to you.”

There it was again. Him apologizing, albeit not in so many words, he was always going on about how he needed to make something up to me. It wouldn’t be long before I finally broke and explained that I wasn’t angry at him.

“If I give you one chance, will you stop bugging me about it?” I asked as I continued to busy myself with the computer and act like I was occupied. It helped me keep my cool and maintain my Ruby at work composure.

“I’d do anything.” He said and I felt almost bad as I heard the desperation laced in his voice.

“Fine, this weekend. Saturday night. I’ll be ready at 6.” I answered glancing sideways at him discreetly.

His face had broken into a smile, dimples and all, and his eyes lit up in a way I hadn’t seen for weeks.

“Perfect!” He exclaimed pushing himself out of the chair and walking over to me. He wrapped his arms around me over the backrest of the chair in an awkward pseudo-hug. “I’ll see you in two days.” He mused and I had to resist the urge to drop my head onto my desk and hit it repeatedly. What had I just agreed to?