A Little Bit Older

And that’s how I found myself wearing nothing but underwear sitting on my bedroom floor surrounded by clothes and fighting back tears. I was a complete and utter idiot. I shouldn’t have even tried to be seductive because clearly I had failed miserably. I got angry over the silliest things and now I felt guilty for having thrown clothes at Matt. He didn’t deserve that and I shouldn’t have expressed my feelings so negatively. It was childish and I knew it.

He didn’t say anything for a long time and when I looked over my shoulder after a few minutes I realized he wasn’t even in the room anymore. I pressed my forehead hard against my dresser and breathed out deeply. I couldn’t believe I’d done that. I could kick myself for being so senseless. I needed to apologize and try to fix this before all the efforts we’d made over the last few weeks was completely undone.

I crawled across the floor and grabbed my clothes that I’d thrown at Matt and put them on. I had to try and regain some of my dignity and right now I wasn’t quite sure how I intended to go about doing that. After I finished getting dressed, I stood up and tried to act poised. I ran through what I was going to say in my head a few times. I just needed to apologize. It wouldn’t be that hard. I could apologize and then we could go back to how we were. I’d rather have no physical contact than no Matt in my life at all.

As I headed towards the living room, I stopped when I reached the doorway and heard Matt talking on the phone. I pressed myself against the wall to be discrete and listened.

“I didn’t even realize. Do you know if she’s talked to Meghan about this at all?”
“I don’t know. They’re sisters. They talk about this stuff, don’t they?”
“You’re right. I just wish I knew what to do.”
“Of course I am. But I thought we were taking it slow.”
“I didn’t want to rush anything!”
“Look cut me some slack. Do you know when the last time I dated someone was? I never had to worry about this shit when Val and I started dating because we were fucking kids.”
“You think so?”
“She’s in her room.”
“Should I not have?”
“Shit, you’re right. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I’m fucking this all up. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

At this point, I finally walked out in the room and wrapped my arms around his waist. I felt him jump but I didn’t let go. He looked over his shoulder at me where I had my head resting against his back and I gave him a weak smile.

“Hey, I got to go. I’ll call you later. Yes, I’m going to fix it. Peace, man.” He finally said before tossing his phone on the couch and maneuvering our bodies so that we were face to face.

“You’re not fucking anything up.” I told him reaching up and placing a hand on his face. “I’m sorry that I got so mad at you… and threw my clothes at you… and was a general bitch about all things.”

“I’m sorry that I made you feel unattractive.” He whispered leaning down and pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“I shouldn’t have tried to pressure you to move faster than you were comfortable with.”

“No, you didn’t. I just didn’t want to do anything to set us backwards. Although, I guess I kind of did anyways…” He concluded with a sigh and I ran my thumb over his cheek.

“Are we okay?” I asked sheepishly.

“I hope so. I really want us to be.” He responded and I nodded.

“We argue a lot.” I told him with a weak laugh.

“We’re getting better at making up though.” He pointed out and he had a point. This was much better than the month it took last time to make up.

“There’s definitely a learning curve to this dating thing.” I slowly started walking us towards the couch before I finally pulled him down so that we were sitting together with me placed in his lap.

“You’re beautiful, you know that, right?” He said after a few seconds of silence as he ran his hand over my hair.

“Thank you.” I whispered leaning my head onto his shoulder. “You’re pretty handsome too, you know.”

“You’d really be okay if I kissed you?”

“You could literally rip off all my clothes and fuck me right here and I’d be okay with it.” I admitted with a laugh. He laughed as well and I could feel it resonate through me as I tucked my face into his shoulder to hide the blush that was creeping on it.

“I did not expect you to say that.” He confessed and I pulled away from his shoulder to look at his face which held his signature smile.

“I didn’t expect myself too either.” I said biting my lip lightly in embarrassment.

“We can do that soon. Today I just want to kiss you” He said before leaning down and pressing his lips against mine.

It still took my breath away and I couldn’t help but wonder how many times I could kiss this man before I got used to him. I wanted to stay here forever. When we weren’t fighting, there was a naturalness between us that was effortless. And even when we fought, it was never very severe.

After a few minutes of kissing, I finally pulled away. I couldn’t deny that I had one more question to ask and I hoped I wasn’t being stupid asking it because I knew it could possibly cause another argument if I wasn’t careful.

“Can I ask you something?”

“What’s up?” He asked confused.

“When was the last time you had sex?” His eyes widened slightly before he returned to his poker face. It was not a question he expected, I could tell.

“You really wanna know?” He asked and I nodded. He sighed before answering, “Truthfully, probably around Christmas.”

“Who?” I asked nonchalantly. In truth, I was really interested. I still remembered seeing him leave the club with that girl and it was a question that I knew I needed to clear up otherwise I’d always wonder.

“Some girl – I think her name was Emily or something. I met her at a Club in early November. We hooked up a couple times but that was it.”

“And now?”

“I haven’t spoken to her since New Year’s.” He answered and I nodded. That was all I needed. I felt better and I was content with that answer. I had no reason to believe that he wasn’t being truthful with me and his timeline added up.

“Okay, thank you for telling me.” I said leaning my head back against his shoulder and running my fingers over his jawline.

“What about you?” He asked mimicking my hand movements on my upper thigh.

“Close to two years ago now…” I answered slowly.

“Really?” He asked astonished.

“I’ve never had a great sex drive, honestly. Like with you, is the first time in a long time where I’ve really wanted to have sex with someone.” I explained and his hand on my thigh pressed down harder.

“Well, I promise to make it worth your while.” He kissed me again and I smiled against his lips.

“I’m sure it will be.” I breathed when we finally broken apart from each other. “Also, please don’t sleep on the air mattress tonight.” I begged and he laughed before agreeing that he would share my bed.

We probably fought more than normal couples, but I think a lot of that had to do with the foundation of our relationship. We started in a different place than a lot of couples and that made things different for us, but it was okay. Ever since our first fight, and the fallout that had lasted almost 2 months, we’d gotten better. Or well, we tried. Matt was better at saying what he thought and he was slowly getting better at reading what I wasn’t saying. Some days, I really saw us making it in the long run. I could see myself with this man for a long time to come.