A Little Bit Older

I hated most things to do with being in relationships. I guess I was complicated in that sense. I loved the idea of being married and having a family, but I hated everything to do with actual relationships. Today was one of those days that I think highlighted how much I hated relationships. It wasn’t anything even extreme, but just that constant presence of another person in my life was overbearing at times.

“Hey, what’s up?” I asked after answering my phone. This marking the third call I’d received from Matt today at work.

“Meghan invited me to come over for dinner, is that alright with you?” I sighed and rolled my eyes.

“I don’t care. Do what you want, dude. You’re an adult.” I answered leaning back in my desk chair and closing my eyes.

The first call had been to ask if I needed my lab glasses which I’d accidentally worn home the night before. It was a kind gesture and I know he meant well by the offer. I had explained that I didn’t and had extra at the office.

The second call had been while he was at the studio because he and Zack couldn’t remember something Meghan had told them the week before and needed me to settle the argument.

This was the third call and I was exhausted.

“Are you okay? You seem annoyed.” He asked and I wanted to scream. How would I not be annoyed?

“Yes, I’m fine. I’m working though and I’m just a bit preoccupied.” I explained trying not to say anything mean to him. I didn’t want to be rude to him but I also didn’t understand why he was acting like we were an actual couple so much.

“Oh, is it a busy day?”

“No, it’s been fine.” I confessed which was true. I’d just finished up with my experiments and I’m analyzing some data now on my computer. It even looked like I’d get out a little bit early which would be a gift because it wasn’t often that I finished early on days like this but there hadn’t been any bumps in my synthetic process for once.

“So nothing’s wrong?”

“Matt, I just told you I was fine.” I reminded him trying to maintain my own temper.

“You seem peeved.”

“You’ve called me three times today. Why wouldn’t I be peeved?” I answered slowly losing my calm tone.

“Then I won’t come to dinner.” He concluded and my jaw dropped slightly. He completely missed the point sometimes.

“That has nothing to do with this. If you want to come to dinner, fucking come to dinner. Jesus Christ. I just don’t get why you’re being so needy today.” I finally broke.

“Sorry.” He said with an edge on his own voice and I took a deep breath. The guilt started to set in instantly.

“Whatever, we’ll talk about it later. Come to dinner if you want. I don’t care. I have to get back to work. Bye.”

“Bye.”

I placed my phone back on my desk and sighed heavily. He’s not even my boyfriend, I reminded myself as I massaged my temples. It didn’t matter if he got annoyed with me because he wasn’t dating me. We were just pretending.

Pretending was a big thing that I needed to remind myself a lot.

I went over to his house most days when he had the boys because I knew he liked the extra hands and I loved being able to get away from my own family every now and then. On weekends, I’d stay over and sleep in the guest room. More and more, Matt was becoming a really important friend to me. I valued his opinions on matters and enjoyed conversations and passing time with him – like I would with any of my friends.

But there were also the parts that weren’t normal for friends. Our habits we showed for everyone else, cheek kisses and hand holding slowly blended over into our everyday life. We’d gotten into a bad habit of falling asleep on the couch together. I found myself increasingly comfortable in his arms. There were days where he’d rest his hand on my thigh while we were sitting together and I wouldn’t even notice until after the fact.

Pretending was hard because I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t want to kiss him. I couldn’t pretend that he didn’t turn me on and that I wasn’t extremely attracted to him. It complicated things. Often, I considered just calling it all off – which was impressive given that we’d been a fake couple for about a month now. I couldn’t handle being around him so much.

Which was probably all part of the reason why I was so frustrated with his constant presence today…

I picked up my phone and quickly called him back.

“What?” He answered and I could tell he was angry.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get annoyed with you. I’m just frustrated by a lot of things. Please come to dinner?” I asked and prayed he would go along with it.

“Tell me what’s up when you get off?” He asked and I bit my lip.

“Sure,” I lied knowing full well that I’d have to come up with something convincing and hope that I could sell it well enough so that he’d believe me by the time I got home. He had learned quickly what my tells where when I lied and I had a feeling unless I really sold it, he’d see right through it all.

“I mean it.” He reiterated and I smiled realizing even over the phone he could tell my lies.

“I’ll consider it.” I compromised and figured I’d just find something to distract him with after we finished dinner.

“Good enough. How much longer do you have? You want to come over before dinner and talk?”

“I’m mostly done.” I confessed glancing at the clock. It was 4:30 and I could easily leave early since I’d come in early most days this past week and left well after 6 most evenings. “I’ll be there in an hour?”

“Sounds perfect. See you soon.”

“See you.” I hung up and sighed. I needed to figure out what to say to him that wouldn’t give away the fact that I was slowly falling for him. Maybe I could just be honest and say I was having second thoughts… That could be awkward though. I’d figure it out later.

After I finished up with work, and said goodbye to my co-workers, I went straight to Matt’s house. I had texted Meghan and let her know that I would be coming to dinner from Matt’s before I left and she replied that she was glad because apparently Zacky had told her about our tiff and she’d been worried. There were no secrets in this friend group, I slowly realized.

I knocked on Matt’s door and slowly started to feel nervous. Maybe I shouldn’t tell him anything. I could just pretend that nothing had happened…

“Hey!” He exclaimed when he opened the door and pulled me into a hug.

“Hey. Don’t act so excited to see me.” I laughed and tried to act nonchalant. He smelled delightful and I could tell he had just got out of the shower and applied his cologne. I wanted to just rest my head against him and breathe in that smell for hours.

“Come in, come in. You’re looking very professional today.” He joked pulling me into the house where I took off my sneakers next to the door. He always got a kick out of how some days I would work in the full business ensemble and other days go to work in jeans and tee-shirts. He couldn’t figure it out. Today was a jeans and tee-shirt day.

“Thanks. You like the chemical holes in my shirt?” I asked pulling on the hem of my shirt to show the small holes that speckled the bottom edge from where I’d leaned too close to a counter and rubbed against something. There were also bleach splots on my sleeve and I wasn’t quite sure how they’d gotten there.

“Shouldn’t you be wearing a lab coat?” He asked incredulously.

“Oh definitely.” I replied even though in all honesty I only wore lab coats when I was cold or working with special chemicals.

“Weirdo. So, are you going to tell me what’s up?” He asked as we got settled in the living room.

“Yea, yea. I’m super sorry about that again.” I started and before I could stop myself felt the lie slip from my lips, “There’s just this guy at work who is kind of attractive and he asked me on a date and I was frustrated because of the whole fake relationship thing.” My face maintained calm but mentally I was screaming.

Where did that come from? Why had that been so effortless? Where was the girl who supposedly couldn’t lie or act?

“Oh shit!” He exclaimed and started to apologize.

“No, no. It’s fine.” I cut him off. “I don’t date scientists, remember?” This was all unexpected and I wasn’t sure where these words were coming from but I couldn’t stop by mouth from moving.

“If you say so, I feel bad though. Next time a guy asks you out, don’t say no on my behalf, okay?” And I nodded because I was ready to drop the conversation. My heart was racing and I just wanted to be done with it.

“Yea, okay. How was work for you?” I asked detouring the conversation and praying that we’d be officially done with it now.

He went on to explain his day and I was glad that he dropped it after that. I had just lied to Matt effectively for the first time and I don’t even know where the lie had come from or how I had done it so effortlessly. I felt a little bit guilty but was also impressed. Maybe I was learning a thing or two from this fake relationship.