A Little Bit Older

“Alright, so couple costumes.” Matt started looking at the small notepad in his hand. I was seated on his kitchen counter and staring at him across the room. He was ridiculous and wouldn’t stop insisting that we do a couple costume. Meghan had mentioned while explaining the party plan to him that it would be my first Halloween party since I left and ever since he had been adamant that we go all out for it.

“Okay, what are you thinking?”

“What did you dress up as for your last Halloween in the States?”

“A bunch of grapes.” I answered truthfully and he stared at me in disbelief. “I wore all green and taped green balloons all over my body. It’s like the easiest last minute costume ever.” I explained and he started to laugh.

“Alright. So, you can’t be allowed to choose, got it.” He wrote something down on his notepad and I rolled my eyes. Why was I friends with so many drama queens?

“Do you have any suggestions?” I asked sweetly with an obviously fake smile.

“Vampire and his victim, Frankenstein Monster and his bride, or Hugh Hefter and a playboy bunny.” He smiled widely over his notepad as my jaw dropped in disbelief.

“Dude, what the fuck? Those all suck. Why don’t you suggest something where I’m actually an important character?” I exclaimed. “Gimme something good please.”

“It’s Halloween. It’s not meant to be serious.” He rolled his eyes and I frowned at the lack of a real answer.

“I mean literally anything would be better. Like Roger and Jessica Rabbit. Anything else.”

“You’re not a redhead.” He retorted quickly gesturing at my hair which was currently colored a honey brown.

“I could be.” I shot back just as face and he smirked.

“If you dye your hair red, then fine.”

“Deal.” I said without a second thought pulling my phone out of my pocket and searching for hair salons nearby. “Get your fucking overalls ready, asshole.”

“You’re not actually serious.”

“Actually, I am.” After finding a place not far from his house, I saved the address into my maps and slid the phone back into my pocket. Hopping off the counter, I walked across the room to where he stood dumbfounded. “Is that a problem?” I asked standing as tall as I could, to appear somewhat intimidating. It was harder given that he was a good head taller than me.

“Absolutely not.” He replied looking down at me. “You’ll look good with red hair. And I can imagine the dress now.” He winked when he said this and I had to resist the urge to slap him.

“Oh I’m sure.” I leaned in towards him before lifting myself onto my tip toes to whisper into his ear, “Just remember, we’re not actually dating. You can look all you want, but none of its yours.” As soon as I finished, I pulled away while making eye contact. With a quick turn, I made my way out of the room.

“What kind of game are you playing right now, Ruby?” He shouted after me.

“This is all a game, Matthew.” I responded while I moved to slip on my shoes. It wasn’t even that I was mad at him, so I wasn’t sure why I had decided to start being so difficult and argumentative. I had such a deep seeded distaste to the idea of just dressing pretty though that I couldn’t help it. I was more than a pretty face and I thought I’d gotten past that fight in my 20’s.

“Where are you going?” He asked seeing me getting ready to leave.

“I told you, I’m dying my hair.” I responded with a nonchalant shrug.

“Don’t. I like your hair how it is.” He moved forward and pulled me into his arms and away from the door. “I didn’t mean to be an ass.”

“I’m naturally a redhead, you know.” I responded, ignoring his half ass “apology”.

“But I like this color on you.” He lifted a chunk of hair off my head and let it drop sloppily.

“You know, most people would be a little bit cuter when they do that.” I responded deadpan.

“We’re not a couple, remember?” He smiled and I realized he was just playing me at my own game.

“Fuck you.” I said with a soft shake of my head and a weak laugh.

“If you want.” He shrugged and I realized that he was still holding me. For some reason, it didn’t seem like a bad idea at all and I knew that wasn’t how this was supposed to be happening.

“That would be a bit counter-intuitive I think.” I whispered.

“Why?”

“Because we’re not actually dating. Because neither of us wanted to be in a relationship. Because that would completely complicate us more than we are. That isn’t shit people do when they’re fake dating.” I explained gently as my voice progressively got softer and the look in his eyes became more overwhelming for me to handle.

“How are we complicated?” He asked and I pressed my hands against his chest and started to push myself away.

“How are we not complicated?” I whispered and before I could pull away from him completely, he leaned down and pressed his lips against mine.

It was the first time I’d kissed someone in at least a year. It was the first time that I’d kissed someone and felt my breath literally slip away from me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and I held on to him as though my very life depended on this kiss. It was the first time that a kiss had made me feel so dependent on someone else. It was genuinely perfect and everything I could’ve ever asked for. Which is exactly why it felt like my heart was caught in my throat when we pulled apart and I realized what had just happened.

“That kind of proves my point, doesn’t it?” I breathed out while blinking rapidly.

“I didn’t mean to do that.” He responded and I nodded in agreement. I wasn’t supposed to like him like this. I needed to get my own life together, focus on my work, my house hunt, my family. He had his kids and his music. We’d both agreed that we had too much else going on in our lives to properly dedicate time to building a relationship with anyone.

“I should probably leave.” I said without making any movement to go.

“I guess that might be a good idea.” He didn’t move either.

We stared at each other for a long time and I found myself trying to memorize his facial features: the arch of his eyebrows, the shape of his nostrils, the curves of his lips. Things that I hadn’t even noticed before that suddenly were becoming so incredibly significant to me. The weirdest part was I didn’t feel self-conscious about it. I imagine even the most confident women must hate being scrutinized like this, but I was so content because I could feel his eyes moving my own face the same way that mine moved over his. It was like we were both suddenly realizing who the person opposite of us was.

“If you want to be Jessica and Roger, we can. If you want to dye your hair, go ahead.” He finally said breaking the grand silence that had settled over us.

“Now that the idea is in my head, I kind of want to.” I confessed honestly. “I haven’t been red in so many years.” I laughed and rested my forehead against his shoulder.

“I’m sure it’ll look perfect on you.” He responded kissing my temple.

“This is weird.” I finally said pulling away from him. “I’m sorry. We can’t do this. We’re not dating. I need to leave.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. Let’s pretend this didn’t happen.” He mused gently and I couldn’t help but laugh bitterly at that.

“Nothing happened. You and I are just friends who are pretending to date so we can really be single. Wanna go out for drinks sometime? I can be your wing woman.” I rambled on and tried to distract myself. I tried to believe it had all been a mistake but it had all felt perfect to me and I didn’t want to pretend it didn’t happen.

“Yea, no that sounds great! We can help the other find someone to go home with and that’ll help us get past this.” He said with a sweeping gesture to the space between us and what I assume he meant as the overwhelming sexual tension.

“Oh, definitely! That’s exactly what we should do.” I said with a large smile that felt beyond forced and must’ve been so easy to see right through.

I said my goodbye and left the house. I was going to go and dye my hair right now. I had always told myself never to make spur of the moment decisions, but in this moment, I felt the overwhelming desire to be less me. Part of me wanted to change it for shits and giggles, but the other part of me was still playing Matt’s words in my head. We weren’t supposed to have feelings for each other and I needed to change something about how I was thinking about him.

I pulled my phone back out of my pocket as I got into the driver seat of my car – which I had decided to finally purchase not long after I arrived back in California, it was incredibly difficult to get around anywhere without one. I hooked the phone to the Bluetooth and set it to call my sister. I needed to tell her everything, starting from my attempted lie, because I was officially freaking out. This was not what I signed up for.

“Hey sis, what’s up?”

“Matt and I aren’t a real couple, but I actually like him I think.” I rushed out letting my emotions get the best of me. I was no longer cool or collected.

“Wait, what?”

“No like, actually. It’s a long story. We were pretending to date to get you to stop trying to set us up but he just kissed me and then said it was a mistake. But, Meg, it was… it was perfect!” I exclaimed and all my words rushed together. “I’m freaking out right now. Like I feel like a fucking high school swooning over a boy and he doesn’t even want anything to do with me like that? What the fuck do I do?”

“Woah, woah, calm down. Where are you? I want to you to drive home and take deep breaths. Can I come over soon and like we sit down and talk about this?”

“I’m driving. I’ll come home.” I murmured giving up on the idea of dying my hair again. “I was so contented to being single forever and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do right now.”

“You’re fine.” She reasoned. “Look, this isn’t a bad thing. If he kissed you, that means we might have a chance. I’m going to ignore the fact that you two tried to lie to me and instead I’m going to be a good sister and we’re going to focus on fixing the situation. Okay? Don’t panic while you’re driving please. I need you to stay in one piece. You’re my only sister.”

“I don’t think I have a chance.” I said catching my breath realizing that was right and that I couldn’t panic so hard about something like this – especially not while driving.

“You have a chance. Think about it. You’re smart and gorgeous and have an amazing sense of humor. Like you are my fucking role model – I have emulated you since I was a little girl, Ruby. You can have any man you want in the world without a doubt. Now I need you to drive some safely so that I can see you in 30 minutes and give you a hug, okay?” She lectured and I smiled slightly. Even when it felt like everything was suddenly upside down, I could always count on her to be the same.

“Okay, I’ll see you. Love you baby sister.”

“Love you too, you old hag.” She murmured and I laughed at the weird expression of affection from her before hanging up. At least one of my relationships was still the same.