Sequel: Admit To Me, And Finally Drown ›
I Wanna Swim Away, but Don't Know How
Part 2
Dear Alex,
I miss you too.
I have to say I was honestly, totally, and completely surprised when I was just flipping through my mail, and I saw a letter with your name in the return address. Your letter forced my life to a grinding halt. I couldn’t even open it at first- I had to let it sit on my counter for a day or two before I finally slit it open and read words that broke my heart, again.
I have been experiencing what you have, Alex. Only take your feelings and multiply them by, say, 3. I try, but it’s so hard to go on. It’s so hard to wake up to another bleak, empty day and go to work and try to act normal. (I work at a record label, by the way. I still love music, just like you remember.) It’s so hard to come home to an empty apartment, and be by myself the rest of the night. It’s so hard to have friends calling you, asking you to come over, and thinking of a million excuses to say no because I just can’t bring myself to be around other people.
When you cheated on me, I couldn’t believe it. I honestly and truly could not believe it. You were the star in my life; something idolized and trusted to always be there in the night sky when I needed it. I was so sure you would never hurt me. And when you did, when you slept with that stranger, it felt like my star had imploded, and there was no more light. My world was in complete blackness.
That’s the simplest way I can put it. I can’t think of any other way to describe the utter loneliness and loss that I felt without you in my life anymore. It took 2 weeks before I could even get out of bed. I felt like a lost boy, thrown abruptly from a ship into the bleak, unforgiving ocean.
I guess I’m using the ocean metaphor, too. I listened to that song you mentioned, by the way. And I understand.
Alex, you have to know that I lost a piece of myself that day. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, getting through the days after being a close second. I was broken by none other than the man I loved. You have no idea how my thoughts tortured me- constantly asking myself what I did wrong, why I wasn’t good enough. So many times I thought of reaching for a bottle of pills and shutting them up forever, but I knew I couldn’t do that. Regardless of what you did, I knew you still loved me. I knew I had to stay for you, even if you weren’t even mine.
So no matter how much it hurt me, how much it tore me apart, I can say that I sincerely forgive you. I’m not mad at you anymore. Actually, I’m mad at that stranger for taking advantage of you while you were not in the right state of mind to be making serious decisions. I know that you would never purposely and willingly make the choice to cheat on me. I know that something like that would never happen again. After all these years, I think I know you well enough to say that you are not that kind of person.
I can’t begin to describe how much I miss you. Losing you was like losing a limb- you were a part of my life, a part of me. I miss your shaggy haircut, which changes every 2 months. I miss sitting around and watching movies with you, and listening to you recite the lines if it’s one you know. I miss making you laugh until you cry. I miss touching you, holding you, just feeling your warmth next to me. I’ve been cold for so long, Alex.
You held me together. You made sure I made wise decisions, and that I was mature when needed. You were gentlemanly, gracious, kind, and sweet. We balanced each other out, and now my life is like the yin-yang symbol without the yang.
So I accept your proposal. I'll come back. I'll help you pick up your pieces, if you help me pick up mine. Together we can remake ourselves and mend our hurt, with touches and kisses and long talks at night.
But I need you to have faith in me and yourself, Alex. I need you to be just as gracious and caring for me as you were before. I need you to understand that I’m going to be wary and fearful for a little while, because I don't want to, I can't, lose you again.
I want you to know that I won’t give up on you. I won’t leave you if you make a mistake. I’ll stay, and we’ll work it out together. I can’t experience these emotions a second time. And I’m sure you can’t either.
I know that things won’t be exactly the way they used to be. Both of us have grown and changed, from this experience and many others that we've had in our time apart. But I know at heart you're still the man I fell in love with, and the man I am still in love with today.
Enclosed, you’ll find my phone number. As soon as you get this letter please call me, so we can make arrangements to see each other again. But I don’t want to rush into anything; let’s just take this slow. We have all the time in the world.
I can’t wait to hear your voice again. I can’t wait to see your grin, so wide that it seems like your face will split in two. I can’t wait to hold you again and never let go. I’ll be waiting by the phone every day for your call.
Hurry.
Still Completely and Forever Yours,
Jack
I miss you too.
I have to say I was honestly, totally, and completely surprised when I was just flipping through my mail, and I saw a letter with your name in the return address. Your letter forced my life to a grinding halt. I couldn’t even open it at first- I had to let it sit on my counter for a day or two before I finally slit it open and read words that broke my heart, again.
I have been experiencing what you have, Alex. Only take your feelings and multiply them by, say, 3. I try, but it’s so hard to go on. It’s so hard to wake up to another bleak, empty day and go to work and try to act normal. (I work at a record label, by the way. I still love music, just like you remember.) It’s so hard to come home to an empty apartment, and be by myself the rest of the night. It’s so hard to have friends calling you, asking you to come over, and thinking of a million excuses to say no because I just can’t bring myself to be around other people.
When you cheated on me, I couldn’t believe it. I honestly and truly could not believe it. You were the star in my life; something idolized and trusted to always be there in the night sky when I needed it. I was so sure you would never hurt me. And when you did, when you slept with that stranger, it felt like my star had imploded, and there was no more light. My world was in complete blackness.
That’s the simplest way I can put it. I can’t think of any other way to describe the utter loneliness and loss that I felt without you in my life anymore. It took 2 weeks before I could even get out of bed. I felt like a lost boy, thrown abruptly from a ship into the bleak, unforgiving ocean.
I guess I’m using the ocean metaphor, too. I listened to that song you mentioned, by the way. And I understand.
Alex, you have to know that I lost a piece of myself that day. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, getting through the days after being a close second. I was broken by none other than the man I loved. You have no idea how my thoughts tortured me- constantly asking myself what I did wrong, why I wasn’t good enough. So many times I thought of reaching for a bottle of pills and shutting them up forever, but I knew I couldn’t do that. Regardless of what you did, I knew you still loved me. I knew I had to stay for you, even if you weren’t even mine.
So no matter how much it hurt me, how much it tore me apart, I can say that I sincerely forgive you. I’m not mad at you anymore. Actually, I’m mad at that stranger for taking advantage of you while you were not in the right state of mind to be making serious decisions. I know that you would never purposely and willingly make the choice to cheat on me. I know that something like that would never happen again. After all these years, I think I know you well enough to say that you are not that kind of person.
I can’t begin to describe how much I miss you. Losing you was like losing a limb- you were a part of my life, a part of me. I miss your shaggy haircut, which changes every 2 months. I miss sitting around and watching movies with you, and listening to you recite the lines if it’s one you know. I miss making you laugh until you cry. I miss touching you, holding you, just feeling your warmth next to me. I’ve been cold for so long, Alex.
You held me together. You made sure I made wise decisions, and that I was mature when needed. You were gentlemanly, gracious, kind, and sweet. We balanced each other out, and now my life is like the yin-yang symbol without the yang.
So I accept your proposal. I'll come back. I'll help you pick up your pieces, if you help me pick up mine. Together we can remake ourselves and mend our hurt, with touches and kisses and long talks at night.
But I need you to have faith in me and yourself, Alex. I need you to be just as gracious and caring for me as you were before. I need you to understand that I’m going to be wary and fearful for a little while, because I don't want to, I can't, lose you again.
I want you to know that I won’t give up on you. I won’t leave you if you make a mistake. I’ll stay, and we’ll work it out together. I can’t experience these emotions a second time. And I’m sure you can’t either.
I know that things won’t be exactly the way they used to be. Both of us have grown and changed, from this experience and many others that we've had in our time apart. But I know at heart you're still the man I fell in love with, and the man I am still in love with today.
Enclosed, you’ll find my phone number. As soon as you get this letter please call me, so we can make arrangements to see each other again. But I don’t want to rush into anything; let’s just take this slow. We have all the time in the world.
I can’t wait to hear your voice again. I can’t wait to see your grin, so wide that it seems like your face will split in two. I can’t wait to hold you again and never let go. I’ll be waiting by the phone every day for your call.
Hurry.
Still Completely and Forever Yours,
Jack