Prescription for Miss Walker

A handful of days later, I was back in Doctor Spears's office, this time alone. I was hardly paying attention to him, but only because I had bigger, badder things on my mind.

Except for Alison, nobody I knew wanted to come with me to consultations or therapy sessions. My father, at this moment, was on a call to my mother (shocker), explaining my situation and eager to hear her response. That was excusable, she did give birth to me after all, so she had a right to know.

My brother had left early this morning for Atlanta, his first weekend free of the trails and tribulations that came with being a new parent. He'd worked hard with Alison to raise his little boy, so he felt he deserved a break.

That then meant his girlfriend was taking care of her child, promising to come with me again another time. 

August said he didn't want to go near a hospital, as it held too many painful memories. I just nodded along with him, I didn't want to argue with anyone anymore.

And Madison was gone.

Therefore, I had no one.

I had to sit here all alone and imagine I wasn't such a repulsive human being. That's why everyone had left me. I could say otherwise, but lying was never a habit of mine. I preferred my words quick and true.

And there was no worse truth than the fact I was on my own in this.

I was going to go through all the treatments and prognosis by myself. Not out of spite from anyone else... no, just because I deserved it.

I'd said it before, but this time I'd really mean it...

Ben was right about me.

I was selfish and needy, manipulative and shallow, why would anyone want to be around me? I used situations to my advantage, I got jealous when friends wanted to spend time with other people who weren't me, and I wasn't above making men cheat on their unsuspecting wives.

Even I hated me.

"Doctor Spears...?" I asked, not sure if I was interrupting him or not.

"Yes, Miss Walker?" His voice was soothing, just the kind you'd expect from a man in his profession.

I slouched in my chair, crossing my legs over, as I hadn't been aware that they weren't already. I was wearing a short skirt today, black to go with my white button-up shirt. If one were to stare very closely, you could see the pink underwear set I had on.

Pink underwear I'd been sure was going to drive Ash insane.

Although, after I'd been sitting here re-evaluating my life, I didn't feel like hooking up today. A healthy talk would suffice.

"Hypothetically, if I weren't to take the treatment, how long would you presume I had left?"

Our eyes connected, as he sighed softly and got out of his seat, to descend onto the one next to mine. He laid a gentle hand upon my shoulder, thumb stroking me softly. He wasn't hitting on me, he was just doing what was in his job description.

"Hypothetically, in your case..." He moved his head a little in concentration, lips pouting too. "I would say about six to nine months. Your cancer hasn't progressed much further than your esophagus right now, but if it goes untreated, it might not be long before it decides to affect other parts of your body."

I blinked a few times, doing what I could to keep my eyes fixed. I'd cried too often since I'd been told about my illness. Whatever happened to being strong?

"Treated or untreated, it's going to hurt, right?"

His focus stayed on me. I had to hand it to him, he was definitely good at his job. He made me feel like he really cared which, obviously, was ridiculous. He knew nothing about me, didn't know I was fucking his colleague.

"Yes, both would be painful, but with the right amount of chemo and--"

"What if I don't want it?" I whispered.

His hand touched mine, as it rested on my lap. His skin was warm and calloused, the signs of a hard-worker.

"Non-hypothetically?" His pitch matched my own.

I nodded.

He withdrew, propping his elbow up on the neck of the chair and looking at me still. I could see he knew this was coming, it was just a matter of what he was going to say to try and convince me to live.

Because he was a doctor, he was supposed to help save my life, not end it.

"We can't force you to do anything, Miss Walker. If you have made your peace with this, we cannot make you change your mind and do what you don't feel like doing. If you are content, right now, don't take any treatment, but just know that everything will still be waiting for you, if you wish to proceed."

I smiled faintly.

"Thank you, doctor." I expelled air, as I reached out a hand again and clasped it around his. His expression was solemn, masked by a twitching mouth that wanted to smile in comfort but couldn't.

Instead, he just placed his free hand over our clasped ones.

Right then, the door opened. I immediately retreated, as Ash's head popped into view. His eyes were the same color as frost as they lowered to my lap.

Where Doctor Spears' palms had fallen flat.

He removed them at a normal pace, asking what the problem was.

Ash didn't look at me as he handed Dr Spears a chart, one that couldn't be mine since he already had it within possession.

I began to take my leave, thanking my oncologist as I shimmied past Ash at the doorway. I was more than halfway down the corridor when he shouted back at me.

He gestured towards the janitor closet right next to me. I rolled my eyes and went inside as he followed.

He flickered the light on and we were in a small enclosed space, surrounded by endless shelves of cleaning products and supplies.

"As the 'one man girl' you so recently claimed to be... Mind telling me what the hell I just walked in on?"

My eyes narrowed, my chest pressing against his due to the lack of space in this confined room.

"We were discussing my options. He was being sympathetic."

"What options?" He was incredulous. When I failed to answer, he came to his own conclusions. "Shira, you're not possibly..."

"It's what I want, okay? I don't want to undergo all this unnecessary treatment and find out I'm going to croak it anyway." I snapped.

The look that made way onto his face was one of panic and upset. I knew he liked me and all, but wasn't it a bit early to get sentimental?

His hand touched the side of my face, knuckles brushing my temples. I shivered.

"Don't do it, Shira. You said you'd fight."

I swallowed down the massive lump that had formed in my throat. It was a victory in itself, since I could barely even eat these days.

"I know I did -- but that was before I realized I had nothing to fight for. I don't have a husband, or children or even a best friend to do it for." My eyes downcast as he tried to speak, his mouth stuck in a permanent 'O' shape as he failed.

So, I did all that there was left to do.

I opened up the door and stopped midway. The daylight was just beginning to peek through, highlighting his every bright feature.

He squinted at me, about to beg for me to come back.

"I lied." I said calmly, as I shut it behind me.