Prescription for Miss Walker

The car journey home from Ash's was quiet, more so than what would be deemed comfortable. I went over tonight in my head, trying to pinpoint where I could've possibly gone wrong to make him mad at me.

I couldn't think of any on the spot, his silence was making me nervous.

He parked outside my apartment. He hadn't looked at me once either, it dawned on me. He hadn't been like this half an hour ago, something must have gone wrong that totally went over my head.

I shifted in my seat, swallowing down all my curiosity as I leaned in, going for a kiss.

My lips touched the underside of his jaw, feeling the unusual jerk and spasm. I stayed fixed for no longer than a second, as I could tell he was tense, and pulled back, but not before I noticed his hands. He had them clasped around the steering wheel, preparing himself to drive off at any minute, knuckles white and grinding.

"Goodnight." I whispered, opening my door and making a beeline for my apartment. I didn't wait to see if he'd made a speedy exit or not, I entered the complex and shut my studio door behind me.

My mind was erratic with emotions as I sat on the arm of the sofa, mulling over the whole of the day. Was it the desk sex? Was it the slamming down of his photograph? The quick session in their closet? Did I disrespect their home? What did I do?

I clung to my hair, unable to process them all at once. So much interference I couldn't keep up. Something I was expected to do, sick or not.

"You just sat there."

I looked up from under my messy mane, to find Ash inside my home. His hands clenched and relaxed by his side repeatedly.

Before I got to ask, he addressed the floorboards.

"You just sat there! Like it was all good, everything is fine. It's not fine. I... I had to sit there and smile on behalf of my wife. My wife, Shira! Nothing is fine, not when it comes to you. I had you both in the same room, chatting, and all I could think about was how different you are to each other."

I'd never heard him so angry before. It wasn't like back at the hospital when he found out about my pregnancy, this was worse. Raw. Pure.

My heart skipped a beat, not in a healthy way either.

"I keep telling myself that you could be good for me. You've opened my eyes to the world, the harsh reality you have had, what's going to come for you. And I accepted it. You tell me things, and I listen, and I don't know why. Just because things are real for you, doesn't mean they should be for me." He stepped forward, stopping only when he was a meter or so away from me. Close enough to touch, but not close enough to read.

Hopefully not close enough to see how I looked. The shadows helped, as none of the lights were on and the dark had encompassed almost the whole of the room.

A dark that had crept in and devoured us whole.

"What are you saying?" I spoke through chattering teeth.

"I'm saying that maybe..." A gleam reflected somewhere in his eye. Then, it was gone, as if he'd just blinked it away. "Maybe we should stop."

Is that what this was about? An hour and a half of his wife and I in the same room and he decided I didn't match up?

I didn't want to be a child here, as I knew what we'd soon be leading to, but I had to ask.

"Why?"

But I didn't receive an answer.

So, in all my hysterics, a laugh made its way out of me. It didn't do much for his clenched fists, as I could just make out the knuckles trying to burst their way out of the skin.

"I get it. I'm the sick, dying girl and you just wanted to make my day, make me feel better until I croak. Well, good job. You really had me going." My eyes narrowed into thin slits, cutting into him like he was nothing more than paper. "I don't take kindly to pity. I take even worse to liars."

His nostrils flared.

"I have never been dishonest with you, Shira. I'm just... I have no other choice."

"Yes, you do! There is always a choice."

"And what if this is mine then? I'm sorry if what we had made you think there could be something more, I apologize deeply for that. But, how could I ever pursue something with you, if all that is offered in the end is death?"

He was right, of course. I just didn't want to believe him. I'd opened up to him, bore my soul. Now, he'd taken that soul, held it in his hands and crushed it under the weight of his fists.

I grounded my teeth in an effort to restrain my tears. I didn't know what had overcome me, except that every ounce of hope I had about us was now fading away, replaced with something hollow.

I felt empty.

"Just because you're married doesn't mean you can't be with me. Just because I'm dying doesn't mean we have to. We can continue to enjoy this while it lasts." His eyes flashed again, an emotion in them I couldn't convey due to the darkness. "I know I shouldn't want you, and I shouldn't have seduced you to begin with... but I don't regret any of this. You, me -- we've been so good nothing else mattered to me."

I'd been blind-sighted by his growing lust for me, that I never considered his relationship with Amy at home. He'd never given details, so I had no clue if he went home to her after seeing me and conversed more happily, on a deeper level. She seemed like someone he could have an intellectual discussion with, maybe that's what attracted him to her all those years ago.

But that was then, and this was now. I was here. I was standing in front of him, unable to comprehend what was happening.

"I don't care about dying, if I'm here next month or tomorrow. I don't care. I know it, I know that you shouldn't love me..."

It was dark and the room had little to no glow, but I could plainly make out the shocked expression on his face.

I stood my ground. I wouldn't take it back.

Declaring this face-off over, Ash shook his head violently as he turned and made part for the door. With his back to me, I wanted to give into my shaking legs and collapse to the floor, but I didn't -- hoping, wishing he'd come back to me, cradle my face in his hands and get lost with me in a haze of passion.

But he didn't.

He opened the door, one foot out, preparing to leave me without so much as a goodbye. Even that would suffice, I thought. Please, give me something.

"It's not that I shouldn't love you," His head facing downwards and flickering briefly to the outside complex, I found myself waiting and watching with misplaced anticipation.

"It's that I don't want to."

The breath was knocked out of me.

Then he was gone.